Tag: schizoaffective disorder

It’s late and I’m still up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

It’s late and I’m still up

I had to go back downstairs because that is where the bathroom is. I am in so much pain that I decided to take the strong pain meds to see if that calms things down. I fricken wish my therapist wasn’t on vacation. I could really use a session right now as my sister still has me all torn up. I just feel that they are crowding into my space and that I don’t feel valued. It’s bad enough where I place my bags my sister wants to put a cabinet so I need to move my stuff out of there. My bro in law need to get his stuff out of there first. I just feel like I am being kicked out of my own home even though I pay my dues every fucking month. Half my SSD check is put towards the mortgage, and I do own, technically, a third of the house. I will inherit this place when my mother passes, which I hope is not any time soon.

Being in pain isn’t helping my mood. I am listening to music to try and calm down but it’s not working. I don’t feel like reading as I read quite a bit today. Tomorrow I need to answer the questions of the chapter and then turn it in. I did find one typo that needs mentioning as the sentence doesn’t make sense otherwise.

I feel like my previous blog was a bitch rant and I don’t care. It is how I felt at the time. I am not sorry for how I feel but it was pretty harsh words. Pain will do that to you. All I keep hearing my psych would say is “calm down”. But how can I when my things are going to be potentially moved? All my books are in my office. All the hard work that I used for my research is in my office. Granted I have moved some of the stuff to my room, but most of it is still in my office. I might not use it every day and it’s mostly a holding area for stuff, but I do use the room. I really don’t want my sister living with me again. It will be too much. And what will become of my niece and nephew? They are just going to live in the streets while my sister has a roof over her head? That is what is really burning me up. She calls them selfish but I think she is if she doesn’t provide for her kids, no matter that they are over 18. Just really pisses me off.

It’s not like my sister doesn’t have her own apartment. She does. She has lived there for a long time. It’s her home. I don’t understand why she would want to give it up to live in a shitty small room that can barely fit a twin size mattress. I just don’t get it.

One thing is for certain, I always make do with my thinking. Some time in September I will go through with my plan to end my life. Then I don’t care what the hell happens to my things. They can have a bonfire in the backyard with it. But I seriously need to write a will and testament before I do. It will be tough but it will happen. I got less than four weeks to do this. Some deadline…literally.

Fucking Ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fucking ankle

I left the house today so that I could give my AC a rest from working. I finished the Adler chapter and then decided to write for a bit before catching the next bus home. Before going to the bus stop, I stopped at the meat market to get hamburgers for dinner. Everything was fine until about three stores down from the meat market. My ankle seized up and I couldn’t move it and it hurt like hell. I pretty much dragged it to the bus stop and waited for the bus. I was in such agony. I don’t understand how this could have happened as I haven’t done anything in three fucking days. The meat market wasn’t that far out of my way. It was just maybe half block away from Starbucks.

I made it home, almost in tears. It took forever for me to get up the stairs. I immediately took my pain meds soon as I got in my room before undressing and changing into my PJs. The damn coffee I drank affected my bowels soon after I tried to settle in so I had to go back down the stairs to go to the bathroom. It was torture going back up to my room. I had to stop a few times because I just couldn’t bear any weight on my foot. This is the worst it has been in a while. I had woke up in pain but thought I could work my way through it. Next time I will just stay home.

My mother cooked the hamburgers and I found that my middle sister was over the house. She was making herself a grilled cheese. We were all talking and stuff while I was in pain. The burgers were good. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. Then my sister said that she wanted to move into my office. I got pissed off. The only way she is moving into MY OFFICE is over my dead body. She will be abandoning her two kids so she could live at home. Fuck that. I am not going to be around for that shitshow. And who the hell does she think she is thinking she can just move MY STUFF so she can have a place to sleep? The nerve.

The pain meds made me kind of nauseous but now I have a migraine. Guess the meds didn’t make me sick to my stomach more than my idiotic sister did. I have to get up and get some migraine pills but I can barely stand. FUCK. I texted my therapist and told her I give her my word that if my sister does clear off my office, I will kill myself. I have never been so damn serious in my life about this. Sure, in a few weeks it won’t really matter because I will kill myself anyways but until then I still have a chance of reconsidering. Not so with this bullshit. Just put a nail in my coffin why don’t ya.

taking a friend’s advice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Taking a friend’s advice and other things

A dear friend of mine said to let the AC rest for four hours and then turn it back on. So I turned it off and I am sweating my ass off while it’s resting. It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep despite putting on the white noise thingy that I use for sleep. I have been dependent on the AC noise for so long that I had no idea it was part of my sleep routine. I can’t sleep in dead silence. It’s too creepy.

My foot pain acted up an hour or so ago. I have been really bad on drinking today despite the heat so I had some almond milk that had the necessary salts that I needed. I still have a headache but I think that is because I am in a very warm, humid room. I hope I am not up for the next four hours but I might be. There is no point in leaving my room as it’s hotter in my house than my room, unfortunately. I still plan on getting a new AC unit next week because I think it will help my electricity bill. The unit I have now just sucks electricity really bad. It’s at least 5-6 years old. Only trouble I have will be getting the new sucker to my room. It’s 50 lbs so there is no way I can carry it up two flights of stairs. I will have to have my brother in law install it for me.

I have thought about watching a movie. Sadly, what I want to watch ends on a teary note so I don’t want to cry at the end. I could watch Titanic as I have seen it a million times but it’s so damn long and I am afraid I don’t have the patience to watch it, not while I am hot and cranky.

Yesterday would have been the perfect day to end my life if I had any brains. The temp was nice and cool. I have been thinking a lot about how to do this. I think I will leave a letter in my wallet that says what to do if I am found. I don’t want heroic measures. But I feel that I should at least leave a contact information with whoever finds me so they know who to call.

Too Hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Too Hot Sunday

The temps are above 90 degrees so of course my AC decides it isn’t going to cool things off. Not that I blame it. It has been running non-stop for weeks now and I think it just gave up. It’s still blowing cool air but my room should be ice cold and it’s not. It’s in the 80 degree range, much too warm. I doubt I will be able to find an AC in the store at this time in the season. Just lovely. Another expense that I wish I didn’t have to have. My room is muggy and I hate it. It’s worse in the house. Amazon is awesome. I found my new AC so I will get it when my next pay period comes. I know that is the end of August but beats having an AC that sucks. I just opened the panel for the filter and it’s all full of ice. That would explain why I hear cracking noises and stuff. I shut it off to let it dry out. I have some paper towels underneath it so when it melts it won’t make a huge mess. Least I am hoping it won’t.

I listened to ball game and fell asleep when they were 9-0. I woke up and the score was 16-1. Final score was 16-2. I couldn’t stay awake because I was so tired. I had my coffee and it didn’t keep me awake. I don’t think the heat is helping. I had a couple of hot dogs for lunch and that has been it. I am not really hungry for anything else and it’s too hot to cook.

I really wanted to do some reading today but it’s close to being bed time now. I feel so lazy. I did fill my pill box for the week. I feel like I accomplished something.

I emailed my psychiatrist but she hasn’t responded, yet. I will try and page her tomorrow when she is back. I hope she calls in my meds. I hate to run out of them.