Tag: schizoaffective disorder

If Depression Kills and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

If Depression Kills…

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/robin-williams-death-remembered-in-poignant-note-on-mistakes-people-make-about-mental-health_uk_57ac765ee4b08ab70dc173d1

I came across this article on Twitter as it’s the anniversary death of Robin Williams. There is also another article that is written by a friend of mine, also in the HuffPost, but I am unable to retrieve it at this time.

I posed the question that if depression kills, and I have depression and it kills me, would anyone care? I was expecting a response on Twitter but didn’t get any. On my Facebook page, I got lots of responses. One of them was from a dear friend of mine and he said that he would be devastated. I wanted to write to him and tell him that I was sorry and that eventually it will kill me. It’s only a matter of time.

I wrote to my psychiatrist. I wanted to tell her that the voices were telling me to off myself again but I didn’t want to worry her so I didn’t say that. I just needed a refill on my meds as I am running low and will be out if it’s not refilled soon. It would be dangerous for me to be without my meds, particularly my antipsychotic. I hope she calls it in soon. I had to take another trilafon because the voices are just so out of control tonight. I don’t know if that makes 2 or 3 doses that I have taken tonight. I usually put it in my app when I take the pill but I didn’t do that today. I am not a good paperwork keeper.

I was getting ready to sleep when a thunderstorm passed through. My spine immediately seized up on me. It felt like someone was twisting my lumbar vertebraes. I had to sit up because it was so uncomfortable. Now my ankle is screaming at me but I just took my pain meds so it’s just a waiting game to see when it will quiet down the screaming. I think my ankle is upset because I took a shower. It wasn’t a long shower. I timed it by listening to music and it was less than three songs, though I did end up having to clean the shower afterwards because my dirty feet made the shower floor dirty. It was driving my mother crazy. I cleaned it as best I could but couldn’t get all the dirt off the floor, even with the cleaner. Oh well.

I got hungry around 2030 so I made a tuna sandwich. Now my stomach is angry with me. I can’t win tonight. I just hope I don’t throw up. I really want to have something sweet, like Oreos, but am thinking it isn’t a good idea with my stomach being upset right now. I really want to go to sleep but I am overtired. I hate when I get like this.

Saturday Blog 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 60

My mother and I were invited to a party at my cousin’s house but it got canceled due to “rain”. I wasn’t planning on going so I would have the house to myself. I got up around 1400 and my mother was home. I asked her why and she said it was because of “rain”. I looked outside and it was clear as day out. Whatever. I asked if she wanted coffee as I was going to make some and she said yes. After I made the coffees, I went back up to my room where it was cooler. I had a pop tart but really wanted to make a hot dog. I might make one later when I am watching the game. I also want tater tots so I might make them as well.

After I drank my coffee, I again felt sleepy so I laid down. I didn’t fall asleep. I started thinking about my father and the day my sister finally realized he was dying. She got wicked upset with me that day and it was the last time I cried for him. As I was thinking about this, I thought I was going to start crying but I held back. I couldn’t let the tears flow. The voices have been awful today and I felt they would make fun of me if I started crying. I just took my dose of trilafon and I think I am going to have to email my psychiatrist. I don’t have enough to get me through till Friday when I see her again, not at taking two a day anyways. I have been rationing it but it hasn’t been working out. The voices are just too demanding lately and I need 8 mg a day. 4 is just not carrying me through.

My ex-favorite pitcher, Jon Pabelbon, got released from his team today. He is now an official dickhead. Most of Red Sox Nation want to see him back but he has done poorly all season, hence why he has been released. He wasn’t happy where he was but said that he would like to come back to Boston. Personally, I don’t want him back. I don’t think it will be good for the team.

I am glad the game is on at 1900 tonight rather than it being a day game. It gives me something to do during the evening hours, even though my sleep is affected, usually. Depending on a win or loss, I tend to get emotional and it takes me a while to calm down enough to sleep, even if I take my meds. Then I usually get overtired and that leads to me staying up later. I am just glad the team is at home and not playing late like they were last week.

I wrote a letter to my therapist in a notebook from 3 years ago. I have a few blogs in there that I think I typed up but I don’t remember. I would have to look at my archives to see if I did or not. In between there are some journal entries mixed with at least one or two letters. My writing just went on and on. I told my therapist in the letter I wrote last night it was up to her if she wanted to read the pages or not. I thought about tearing out the pages but there were more than at least 10 pages and it would wreck the composition book. It isn’t a spiral notebook where it would be easy to tear out the pages.

Wicked Humid Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked Humid Friday

The heat index is somewhere around a 100 today, I am sure of it, if not more. Despite a thunderstorm that passed through and dropped the temp to a mere 82 degrees, the humidity is still high. I had soda on my back porch and when I got them to refrigerate them, they were so damn warm. I moved them to my cooler office so they don’t explode.

I went to my appointment this morning, which was a challenge as I didn’t sleep very well. I went to bed or tried to go to bed around 0100 but woke up two hours later. I took an Ativan and tried to go back to sleep. An hour later, I fell asleep only to be woken up three hours later by my alarm clock. I made the 0822 bus, but just barely. I almost got on the wrong bus I was so tired. That would not have been good.

My appointment went okay, though for some reason my medication that I needed to be refilled was no longer on my medication list so had to be added again. Every month I get the same script and there have been no problems. Now it’s a problem because of the lovely new system. Some system this is. No wonder doctors are leaving left and right.

I went and filled my prescription. I wanted to get hamburgers for my lunch and dinner but the bus was coming soon and I didn’t want to wait an hour for the next one. As I was leaving Walgreens, I was looking at what they had for food and saw they had my Ball Park hot dogs! It made my day as now I didn’t have to go to the grocery store to get them.

I got home and I was soaking wet with sweat. If the outside heat index was a 100, my house was 200. YUCK. I quickly changed out of my wet clothing and dried off in my AC’d room. I didn’t feel like cooking and I was kind of wicked tired so I just took a nap.

While I was at my appointment, I told her of the pain I was in and that I wasn’t going to do PT. She didn’t argue with me and I told her I found some exercises on the internet that seem to help me, when I do them. I told her my pain was too great and there was no way I was going to be traveling in this heat. It’s just too much for me. I didn’t tell her about my mood and she didn’t ask. I told her my psych team was basically on vacation, least until Monday when my psychiatrist comes back. I might page her because I was really agitated when I came home for some reason. I had to take a trilafon. Whether or not that contributed to me taking a nap, I don’t really care.

I really wanted to read but I had no time. I barely had time for a sandwich at Starbucks before I had to take a train to my appointment. I had 5 shots espresso and I was still tired. I have no idea when I am going to read Adler. It’s the weekend and I hate going to the Square because there is hardly any seats unless you go early and my early tends to be later than everyone else’s. I still have coffee for home, though I am running low on half and half. I just hope it lasts me until my next grocery order in a couple weeks.

I am kind of in a reading mood right now so maybe I will give Adler a shot. The nap kind of gave me energy so that is good. I might have a cup of coffee as it’s still early enough to have one and if it keeps me up, so be it. I have nothing important to do tomorrow, except blog writing.

Can I go to sleep now?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Can I go to sleep now?

Sox game just ended. I was pissed off because they lost to NY AFTER they had the lead. Ziegler sucks. This is the second game in a row they lost. So I was a bit steamed but I couldn’t go to sleep right away. So now I have writing on my mind and felt the need to blog about it.

I read the stone book. It talked about organizing ideas and after I finish my Adler chapter (which I didn’t read today), I will start with my book, reading the first chapter and seeing where I can organize it better. There is a part about cutting that I just threw in there and it’s graphic though not descriptive of cutting. I didn’t like it when I read it after I let it stew for a couple of months but my therapist said to keep it because she doesn’t like to throw things away. I can only imagine what her house must look like if she is a hoarder. So I kept this piece of shitty writing even though it has little to nothing to do with the rest of the piece. It only bothers me because I feel there should be a trigger warning on the chapter because of the cutting nature. And to avoid the warning, I feel I should just take out those shitty paragraphs.

After all the writing in this stone book, there are exercises. The last exercise I read was of cutting up sentences and sorting them differently. Sounded like something that the place I used to go to for writing used. Anyway, the writer said that if you cannot do this exercise, you might as well throw away your computer and go to another profession. I already think this writer is a quack so I am not holding him to what he says. I will just file it in the back of my memory banks and when I am working on my book, I will open these files up and see where it takes me.

I am VERY tired but I can’t sleep because I so want to open the file and do some work on my writing but I need to get up early in the morning for my pain management appointment. I need to leave the house by 0822. Yuck. It’s the first time I have had to get up early in a while.

My therapist is officially on vacation for the next two weeks. What is interesting is that a psychotherapist followed me on twitter about maybe three months ago. He is in his 70s and wants to share his work with like minded therapists because he feels it is important. I thought he was a cuck but there is some merit to what he is talking about. I haven’t engaged him on Twitter. I have no idea if he would be inclined to be in touch with the suicidology clinicians that I know on Twitter. Why he is following me, I have no fricken clue as I am far from being a therapist.

Okay thank you Blogworld. My brain is out of ideas on what else to write tonight so I will check back with you all tomorrow.