Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.

my new book and other musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

My new book and other musings

Last night I was struggling with fixing the errors that my word doc had on it on my new book. I wanted to see how many pages I had so I knew how many more to write. After all was said and done, there seems to be about 99 pages to go. If I work at least 2-3 pages a day, I might be able to get it done by the end of the year. I have been going over my blogs that I have written over the past year and sort of picking out which ones I deem “best” for my book. It’s a lot of work as I have a LOT of blogs as I write nearly every day, sometimes twice a day. But it beats having to open up word docs on my screen and reading them. This way here if something seems interesting, I just pull up the word doc, and then pasted it in the template that I have, once I edit it to make sure there are no errors.

I didn’t do anything except make coffee today, so far. I had a crappy sleep as I kept on waking up every two hours or so. It was so annoying. So I slept late right through the afternoon. I haven’t had anything to eat except for two cookies. I am out of my coffee. I seriously have to buy some more next week. I can’t be without my coffee. I might have to use my sister’s Keurig this weekend. The Keurig cups she has is decent coffee. It’s not Starbucks quality but close enough. I am going to try the new Brazil coffee next week and see if I like it.

I started reading a new book on how to write a novel by Lawrence Block. I don’t think of myself as a novel writer but after the new book is written, I will have to write something else. I don’t know if I can do it but I can try. I know I am no Neil Gaiman or even Lawrence Block but writing does come naturally to me.

Yesterday I was bored so I decided to clean out my junk hamper. It was a collection of all suicide research articles and books. I don’t know how they accumulated there but they did. Unfortunately, the book I was hoping to find, wasn’t there. I have no idea where the book is so I marked it off my reading list as “read”. I was half way through it anyway. It bothers me that I don’t know where this book ended up. I will find it when I am looking for something else.

I was going to shower last night but I got lazy. I think I will today after dinner. It’s a really hot day, again and the house is hot. I was hoping for it to cool down last night but it never did. I want to try and go out tomorrow to get an espresso over ice while reading the psych book I bought. It would be nice to finish the chapter.

My friend in Canada sent me the link to her post office. They have Canadian Star Trek stamps that I want to get for my brother-in-law and I. I think he will really like it as he is a Star Trek junkie like I am. The stamps don’t come out in the US until September. I plan on getting several sheets to save as well as use, not that I use snail mail that often. Or maybe I will just save them.

New Favorite Song: Think of You

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, grief, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

New favorite song: Think of You

I have been listening to this song since last night, non-stop. I cannot wait till I get paid next week so I can buy the album. Chris Young is one of my favorite artists. I am really surprised this song isn’t on the radio as it has over 13 million views.

I watched my niece for a little bit until her other grandmother came and got her. Afterwards, I went to the grocery store to get some half and half. I so needed a cup of coffee. Luckily, I time it right with the buses so I didn’t have to wait too long. It was really hot out and I was sweating by the time I came home. I made the coffee and then some breakfast. I figure I would have something to eat as I really haven’t had breakfast all week. I have been too sleepy to make it.

Last night I gave the run down of my illness for the past seven months. I sent it to my psychiatrist and will send it to my therapist next week. I then got the worst spasms in my legs and arms I ever felt. I swear every muscle group went spastic on me. It was awful. I took another Ativan and it didn’t help. Then I thought I was withdrawing from my pain medicine so I took a pill and things finally settled down. I didn’t take any pain pills the entire day because I wasn’t in significant pain. I won’t be doing that again.

I had felt so awful I thought about paging my pdoc to see if she had any ideas on how to stop the spasticity. But it was late (around midnight) and I was too afraid she might have me go to the ER or something. If taking my pain meds didn’t work, I would have called her. It was kind of urgent that I speak to her but thankfully, things settled down and I fell asleep. I did have a good sleep as I didn’t wake up till around 0900. I checked on my niece to make sure she was dressed and ready to see her grandmother. She said she washed up and brushed her teeth. So I am going on her word that those things were done.

I need to take a shower today but I think I will take it this evening. I haven’t really taken one all week. I finally called PT and have an appointment on the 12 of Aug. I need to get a new prescription because the one they faxed over is “old”. I don’t understand how they can get old. It was written a month ago so how can it be old? Just wasting paper.

Coffee really gave me energy. Maybe I can tackle the hamper I have been meaning to clean out. I might change my sheets. That will take some energy. Last time I changed them, it nearly threw my back out. I will take it easy though. I need to wash my comforter, too.

Timeline

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Timeline

According to my blogs in January 2016, my voices had become worse and so had my depression. Then my father had his treatments. The end of the month he was hospitalized for chest pain. A few days later after discharge, he was readmitted with a chest collapse brought about, presumably, due to pleural effusion or an air pocket burst.

I was supposed to start PT for my back but never did because of the evolving care of my father. My depression worsened the more involved I was with the man. The voices ultimately were controlling me, though I didn’t realize it at first. This was despite taking an adequate dose of abilify and taking it faithfully every night. The only exception to this was when my father was readmitted for the collapsed lung issue. I missed a few days because it was late and I didn’t feel like filling up my pill box. I was haphazardly taking my meds. A few here, a few there that first week in March.

March was a markedly collapse of my father’s health. He was admitted every two weeks for pleural effusions or because of fluid build up in his system. He had stopped eating or was barely eating and drinking, even with support from my sisters. He lost weight and subsequently would develop pneumonia that was his last illness before being transferred to a nursing home for further care.

My mental health deteriorated. In the middle of March, after losing up to 15 pounds, I decided to go back on Zoloft, even though I didn’t think it would do much. We started off slow as I didn’t want to get sick off it, though my psychiatrist wanted me on 100 mg. I was happy with half that. My father died the end of April. I was hospitalized the middle of May after everything was said and done. We decided to increase the Zoloft to 100 mg and it was a quick admission. I was there only six days and have not been back, against my better judgement.

June brought havoc for me with the Orlando shootings and I felt the pressing need to notify authorities that the gunman had an alien parasite in his brain that caused his actions. The voices were rampant at this point and I discussed the matter with my psychiatrist and therapist before making any phone calls. It was at this point I got very agitated at my therapist for not believing me about the alien parasites and decided I wasn’t going to take the abilify any more. The voices by then were commanding me to do things and I went along.

A couple weeks later, I was feeling really paranoid while at my psychiatrist’s office. I was really scared she was going to kill me despite her reassurances that she was not. This was around the end of June. That day was terrible. The paranoia had increased due to some social media post by a Twitter follower I was following for PTSD. She had posted something to do for ISIS which is always a trigger for me. It freaked me out and the paranoia increased tenfold. I emailed my psychiatrist to get some trilafon to calm down as the agitation was terrible. Then there were problems with the pharmacy filling it. I was fuming. I have been on this medication for a long time and these young pharmacists were telling me how it was interacting with my medication. I scoffed because my psychiatrist knew the medications I was taking and if there were interactions, my psych wouldn’t be prescribing me the medication. She talked to these young people and I was able to get my meds, finally. Though it really frazzled me.

Because the trilafon was working while I was “sneaking it” behind the voices back, I was coming to the realization just how much they were controlling me. The noise in my head became much quieter and I was able to fight back, albeit slowly. I still felt I needed to be in the hospital and was seriously contemplating when my mother, who has diabetes, took a hypoglycemic episode and I found her down. If I was in the hospital, I dread to think of the consequences. I realized then, the beginning of July, that I had to get control of the voices so started taking the trilafon more frequently than every other day or every two days.

Since my father’s death, I have been feeling numb and distant. Things got better and I was feeling my “normal” feelings of depression or joy or something. But since the voices got louder and more demanding, I have noticed that I been feeling flat and not feeling much of anything. I feel blunted, like I should be feeling something but I am not. My therapist is calling this “negative symptoms” of psychosis but it’s been ages since I looked at a psych book to remember what those were. I used to know psychosis very well way back when I was young student in college but have gradually lost what I learned as I moved away from my calling and haven’t been in school in years.

Even as I am writing this, I feel disconnected, like a lightbulb has been turned off and I can’t find the switch. It doesn’t concern me. I don’t know why it’s concerning my therapist so much. But then she is very protective of me. I just don’t see the concern. Not having emotion is kind of a relief. It’s better than feeling the deep dark lows that I had been feeling. It has affected my writing some what. But then, my writing has not recovered much since my father’s death three months ago. I still feel as distant as I did back then.