Tag: suicidality

Hypo again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression

Hypo again

I don’t like this one day up the next day normal bullshit. It seriously only means that I will be headed for a serious breakdown sometime in the next few weeks. Or by the end of this week. I don’t really know what is causing this up one day and down the next. Maybe I am cycling. It is better than being in a mixed state.

I have been really irritable lately. The slightest things seem to piss me off. Yesterday, while having coffee, my mother wanted to talk to me. No matter how much I tried to muster the “don’t talk to me while having coffee” look, it just came across as me being in a bad mood or depressed. I fucking hate that. She just doesn’t get it because coffee doesn’t affect her. She drinks instant bullshit so what does she know of good coffee anyways! I doubt the instant shit has any real caffeine in it anyway. Pisses me off. And the more I tell her not to fucking talk to me, the more talkative she gets, WTF. I drank enough of my coffee so I wouldn’t spill it while walking and then headed up to my room for peace and quiet. My room is my only solace these days. I can’t be in the house or even in my office because the TV is on full blast or she is pressing every single button on the Tivo remote making fucking noise that is so damn loud. I don’t know when I became intolerable to noises. I used to work in a busy lab where noise was the only way to work. You had the tube machine going, the MPA which loves to ding for no good reason, then of course you have people talking either to each other or on the phone. Thank god we did away with music in the lab, though people will play Pandora on their workstations, but at low levels. It was a mad house and I enjoyed every minute of it. But now that I am in the confines of my room, I can’t tolerate any fucking beeping noise or even the tea kettle going off. It just makes me VERY annoyed.

I had therapy today. I told her about my friend that is having troubles. I wish I could do more for my friend but she lives very far away from me, over 3000 miles. I am doing what I can before she gets “real” help, as right now I am the only help to her that she is getting. We didn’t get into my troubles too much. She read the blog I wrote her the other day and she said there was one part that sounded “hyde”ish. I have no idea what she is talking about. I wrote the letter, and typed it up. I don’t think there is an element of Hyde anywhere in the letter. But then, she is always analyzing my writing. I told her about the mishap with my cell phone. And then toward the end of session, I became hypo, just like that. It was like a switch went off. I feel really good, even though I saw my father at the bus stop. We had to walk to my home so he could use the bathroom. So I walked an extra block today. I wish I could say it was good seeing him but I can’t stand him so there goes that idea.

My therapist also talked about how difficult it was to read the packet I gave her last week. She is having anxiety about reading it. I knew I should have waited a little bit before giving it to her. It is my fault she feels that way. But I know once she reads it, she will have questions. I also gave her my psychosis story. Maybe I will suggest reading that rather than the letter. I think the story is pretty good, not one of my best, but good enough.

I need to get new glasses next month, or at least try to get them. I’m going to try one of our bulk stores called BJ’s. I have had glasses from them before. I am going to get the single vision first and then I will get the bifocals, depending on the price. My eyes keep doing funky things and refuse to focus at times. It is worse when I am tired. Then I have to take the glasses off for a bit so my eyes get a some rest so to speak.

My last few texts to my therapist last night was about LGBT rights. It is pissing me off that more and more states are discriminating against people like me. Now I hear that Kentucky and Virginia are proposing laws. For Fuck’s Sake. I like Virginia and was considering going to school there at VCU, Virginia Commonwealth University. But now that is not going to happen because I will be discriminated against. Even in Indiana, they now have posted signs saying “we serve everyone”. They shouldn’t have to and if a bill they passed needs to be clarified, it shouldn’t have been passed in the first place!! It just makes me so very angry. And it also makes me thinking of killing myself all the more. Because if I can’t be accepted by the society I live in or even my family for that matter, what is the point of living anyways??

Hopeless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

To live without Hope is to Cease to live. Fyodor Dostoevsky

I am having a rough day. I don’t know why I feel like my heart has been shattered but I do. Nothing or no one has said anything negative to me to make feel this way. I came home from my father’s doctor’s appointment, made lunch, made a few calls, and then wham, heartache struck. I don’t know why I feel this way. I feel completely hopeless. I want to take a nap but I fear that if I do, I will fuck up my sleep schedule. I already had a rough time sleeping last night. I woke up several times during the night. I think the anxiety of sleeping through my alarm kept me up.

Other than my father, I really didn’t have interaction with people. Sure maybe the cashier who took my order for my coffee at Starbucks but that was about it. The doctor’s appointment went well, nothing bad happened or was said. My bastard father just need to lie down when he swells up. The cause of the swelling is a little bit more complicated and I don’t wish to discuss it. But it is not the cause of my misery. I just feel really downhearted. It’s like all the air went out of my balloon.

I finished the long, drawn out Civil War book last night, much to my relief. I haven’t started any new book yet. I really want to start “the Idiot” but the print is really small and might give me a headache, even with my glasses on. I am so fed up with my eyesight being poor. And what is weighing on my mind is that I need to see my eye doc for a check up. Think I am going to do it next month, while I still have the insurance. Then I will worry about how to get new glasses later. It is going to be a struggle as glasses don’t come cheap. I also want to get a pair of prescription sunglasses so I don’t have to pay for transition lenses. I love transitions but they cost as much as prescription glasses. And I am in the house mostly so I am very rarely using them except when I go out. Just another expense that is weighing on my mind.

I sold another book today. I should be excited but with this hopelessness that has come over me, I am like “whatever”. I wanted to work on my book today but nothing is inspiring me to write. I just keep thinking about ending my life. I also keep thinking about my friend’s fiancé. He is going through some terrible grief and I think that is what is keeping me from going through with ending my life. I certainly do not want to cause someone that much pain. My friend killed himself in January. I don’t know the circumstances. Not that it matters. He is dead and his lover is in pain. He has to go on living without him and he doesn’t know how.

I read a disturbing one liner while scrolling through Facebook that said “Allah is your one God”. For some reason it made me think of StarGate and how the G’ould think they are gods and rule through alien powers. I don’t know if this is my delusional thinking going on, but could the people of Islam be ruled by alien powers thinking their god is their one true god? In one episode of StarGate, they had Seth, a G’ould, create cults that ended up killing themselves when the G’ould needed a new host. It was interested because this alien was so imbedded into the human religion factor that nobody really questioned that he was truly an alien. But then, I am a sci-fi guy. Things like this interest me and I hold them as truths unless proven otherwise.

Sometime next week after I get paid, I plan on making malt chocolate chip cookies. I just have to get the butter and the malt. You think it would be easy finding it on PeaPod but it’s not. And when I did find it, a 12 oz can was nearly $5! Shit is expensive but I am hoping they have a stop and shop brand that I can use. I just need a fricken ½ cup of the stuff. I might throw in some oatmeal by substituting ½ cup of oatmeal for flour. It called for 2 cups of flour so I will just put in 1 and ½. I really love baking cookies. Only thing I don’t like is the clean up. That is the part that sucks!

Random 376

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, suicidality

I was on a BPD chat tonight and the topic was “tell your story or re-author it”, something to that effect. It was going well until someone brought up comfort zones. I said that my therapist gets uncomfortable when I bring up my suicidal thoughts and feelings. This person replied “well there are rules for that”. That is not the same thing. You can’t all be talking about daisies and puppies in therapy. Sometimes you need to have a therapist listen to the hard stuff that is making you want to kill yourself and if that is not part of the comfort zone, then what is?? I had to leave the chat because I got so pissed off. I don’t really know why it bothered me so much. Probably because I am so tired of therapists having their comfort zone EXCLUDE suicide talk. Then things get real.

I didn’t do any promoting. No one was apparently interested that I wrote a book. It is weighing on me though. Because I am basing the sales of this book to my next. But it is going to be a while before I can come up with 150-200 pages of stuff. I edited today a blog I wanted to use. It is 3 pages long. So I tossed it. I am not going to use it because I can’t expand upon it. I have been tinkering with the possibility of writing a piece on being a suicide attempt survivor and what that means. I have written three articles in my blogs about it. I can combine all three and then go from there, or I can start fresh. It’s still up in the air. I don’t have a timeline to work on these things. It’s just whenever they come to me.

I took down one of the pages of my blog. I removed “why I blog”. I figured “what my blog is about” will be more fitting. I wanted to change things up a bit.

I got a month before I know if I won the AAS writing contest. I probably won’t win. I wrote pretty depressing stuff that wasn’t too hopeful. Just like my book. All I need to sell is 15 more copies and I will have met my goal of 100 books sold in a year. But I don’t think it is going to happen. I only sold 3 books this month. I need 12 more to make my goal. I have been promoting like crazy but no bites. An author gave a website today to promote an indie book. I am going to try and see if I can have my book on their website. It’s worth a shot.

Ankle is killing me today. I have been up and down the stairs a lot today. I also took a walk to the drug store to get my meds and a birthday card for my idiotic father. His birthday is next week. If I don’t give him anything, he is like a child and has a tantrum. Fucking ridiculous. I hate buying cards because I think they are just a waste of money. You pay for it, the person reads it, and then where does it end up? In the trash! So my money is now waste. Just don’t know why I bother sometimes.

I have been feeling depressed today. It really was an effort just to get out of bed. I had a rough time sleeping as I had weird dreams and my med app reminder kept going off. By the time I was awake enough to take my meds, it was 0400! OOPS. I just took my hormone pill as that is what I really need to take. I just hope it doesn’t mess things up. Will have to wait and see at this point. I didn’t bother taking my other meds because it was so early in the morning. I would have slept all day. I took a snooze, or what was supposed to be a snooze, around 1900 and I guess I just fell into a deep sleep. I am surprised I still had battery on my phone because I wasn’t charging it.

I have been craving salty and sweet things all day. Mostly, I have been craving bacon. But I just don’t want the clean up. My friend suggested that I cook it in the oven but I don’t know how that will be as I never made it that way before. And besides, I just want a few slices, not the whole package. I think it tastes better fried than baked anyways.

Twenty-Three Years

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental illness, suicidality

Twenty-three years

Today marks twenty-three years that I have sought help for my depression and self-destructiveness. I actually didn’t seek help straight out. My English teacher noticed I was upset and pulled me aside and saw the marks on my wrist that I had made the night before. She then told me to stay after class, something no teacher has ever told me to do before. She took me to the nurse’s office. We chatted. I told her about what happened at my house the last two nights and how much I just wanted to die. She called my mother, who then took me to the local counseling center. By then, I told them “nothing was wrong” and that I was “okay”. I declined treatment and went on with my day. Daily visits to the nurse’s office became more frequent. I just stopped in to check in and told her what was going on. She wanted me to see someone so the following week I agreed to see the school counselor. Thus started my official journey into psychotherapy.

It hasn’t been an easy road. For the first ten years, I had a different therapist nearly every year. I think the only time I had two years was with the psych resident that wanted to see me or I would still be in the hospital. I went through a lot with this psychiatrist in training. While in her care, I attempt suicide and ended up being in the hospital for two and half months. When she ended her residency, I went to another psych in training. He wasn’t as good as she was. In fact, he was terrible. I felt like he was more my brother than a therapist but when I told him I was procuring more medication to end my life, he asked me if I was suicidal. That is when I knew he was an idiot. I pretty much ended our relationship within a few weeks and saw someone else. She was good, had years experience. But after I had an argument with my sister and she wanted to know more about my sister’s social life than my anger, I ended things with her. I went about a month without seeing someone. I then decided to go back to my town’s local mental health center. I saw someone there for a year and again, she decided to move on after that year mark. We were finally connected and I felt so betrayed. I didn’t think I was going to see another person again. I don’t know what changed my mind. I knew I didn’t want to see someone else at the local mental health center. I wanted to see someone private. I figured they were less likely to leave their practice. And I luckily found my current therapist and we have been together for fourteen years. It is the longest relationship I have had, outside of my psychiatrist. I am lucky that I have had just one psychiatrist for my medication all these years. She does more than just prescribe my medication. She also does some therapy and is my sounding board for the various medical issues that I have. And I can’t wait to see her again in a week after not seeing her for four long months. It is going to be weird seeing her again.

I don’t know why I have stuck it out in therapy all these years, especially when things were at their worst. I have been beyond hopeless and yet my psych team (therapist and psychiatrist) always made me see another day, sometimes against my wishes.