Tag: suicidality

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients

by Midnight Demon, posted in mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

Response paper for Building a therapeutic alliance with suicidal patients.

This book is a work of genius among the top suicidologists in the U.S. and Europe. These people actually want to help suicidal people get better and try to make their life worth living. Like most of Drs. David Jobes and Konrad Michal work, they have done an excellent review of the literature and made the book easy to read without a lot of psychological jargon. This book should be used as a handbook for anyone dealing with suicidal individuals. As someone who has been through many suicidal episodes with many different therapists, this book is groundbreaking. It lists his classic work of CAMS (collaborating and managing suicidality) which is a tried and true way of dealing with lethal suicidality in an outpatient setting. The other evidence based therapists will enhance therapy around this work.
The Chapters are broken down easy enough and progress from good to bad in my opinion, of the treatments that work. The conclusion was brilliant by Dr. Jobes. He has stated with clarity the hardships that are faced with suicidality such as the IRB approvals for research, clinicians wanting to work with this population, and the need to try and keep these people in therapy.

A quote

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness

“Never kill yourself while you are suicidal. You can, if you must, think about suicide as much as your wishes and let the thoughts of suicide –the possibility that you could do it- carry you through the dark night. Night after night. Day after day, until the thoughts of self-destruction runs its course and a fresh view of your own frustrated needs comes into clearer form in your mind and you can, at last, pursue the realistic aspects, however dire, of your natural life”. –Edwin Shneidman, Suicidal Mind, p166

I came across this passage on the last page of the book. I found it meaningful because I have spent night after night, day after day, thinking about ending my life. I have even thought about ending my life when I wasn’t so depressed and hopeless, but I never felt the urgency to end it when I wasn’t in horrendous emotional pain, or physical pain as it has been the last few years. I posted this, during a chat last night. I guess you can say that I interrupted the chat. It wasn’t my intention. I forgot the chat was taking place during that time. I tried to participate in the rest of the chat but as usual, I didn’t. Yet a few of us had a discussion on the side about how we let our providers know if we are suicidal or not. My experience with my PCP is not to let on that I am suicidal, unless he asks me directly. I cannot bullshit my way out of a paper bag so I will answer honestly when asked a question. Most times, I get the third degree about my suicidal tendencies and my narcotic medication. He wants to make sure I am “safe” with it. What he doesn’t know, even though I have told him a million times, is I am more afraid of the Tylenol content than I am of the narcotic content. But I still get the drill of asking if I am safe with the medication. I really want to say that I have other plans that are more lethal but I don’t for fear of getting tossed in the psych ER.

I am feeling like a caged rat these days. I haven’t been able to get my coffee/latte at Starbucks in weeks because of the severe snow we have been getting. I thought I would be able to go out today but the buses are on a reduced schedule because of the holiday and still trying to get dug out of the snow. Plus, it’s a measly 1 degree out. So I am just staying in my room, again. I am listening to the radio today. Unfortunately, my favorite DJ is off today. We sometimes chat on Twitter.

I found out that my book is being sold on Ebay in the UK. I think it’s funny, but whatever gets my book sold, I am for. I am supposed to send out my book to reviewers, but because of my depleted funds and mail being disrupted due to the snow, I think I will wait until the end of the month. Hope by then, the storms will have gone away. Tomorrow and Wednesday we are expected to get more snow. It’s terrible. I don’t remember a winter this harsh. I just fear flooding when it all melts.

I guess today would be a good day to work on my short story. I will try and work on it after I write this blog. The nice thing about this story is that it’s new. I haven’t posted it on my blog and I don’t think I am going to. Unlike my “Darkness will Win” post, that is going to be published. I am working on collecting a few blogs and short stories together to make my second book. I just hope that formatting goes easier the second go round. The first time it was a nightmare. I literally had to go through all 150 pages to make sure they were formatted correctly on each page. And for the life of me, I could not get the acknowledgements page to be on its own. Drove me crazy! The first copy of the Kindle was all messed up. Luckily, only a few people bought it. I fixed it best I could but I still think there is a blank page in there somewhere.

I haven’t had much appetite the last few days. I don’t know why this is. I am depressed but I am not “that” depressed. At least the day time sleepiness is gone. My therapist is on vacation this week. It sucks having her away. My psychiatrist is still out with her broken hip. I just communicate with her via email. I sent her a couple of emails and got no response as usual. I wish she would acknowledge the damn thing so 1) I know she got it and 2) I get a little feedback. I just feel like I am roughing it on my own these days. I stopped taking my antidepressant because it stopped working. I wasn’t going to increase it without her being in the office. Plus it was causing me to keep the weight on as it increased my appetite. I haven’t noticed a big change in my mood since stopping it. I really don’t miss taking it. One less pill to take at night.

What My Blog is About

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

What my blog is about

I feel like I should write this because I am tired of having to censor myself while writing my blog that is an important outlet for me. I started this blog because I was in a deep dark whole. It was a way for me to express my dark, suicidal thoughts. If this bothers you, please find another blog to read. I am not going to stop writing my thoughts because you find it offensive. This is what my blog is about, my midnight demons. I will never post the where, why, what, when I will kill myself on this blog. You will never know. But if there is more than three days of me not posting, I guess you can assume the worst, unless I am in the hospital and I am unable to post. I will usually post before going in the hospital as I very rarely get an involuntary admission. And I don’t do stupid things to hurt myself. There may or may not be a goodbye blog. That is something that will happen when I am close to really acting on my thoughts.

So, again, if my suicidality is too much for you to handle, go find something else to read. I don’t need friendship to help me through my thoughts. My writing is my therapy. And if I have to start censoring it because someone is offended, then it hurts me more than it hurts you. That is your problem, not mine.

On another note, if you don’t like what I write in this blog, DON’T READ IT. No one is forcing you to read my blogs so if it offends you or upsets you in anyway, go the fuck away from it. Find another blog to read and criticize.

Shit Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, cauda equina syndrome, CES, chronic physical pain, depression

Shit day

I haven’t decided if I am going to take a shower or not. Think I will wait to see if my stomach settles down. I feel awful. I looked for my Lincoln DVD and was unable to find it but I did find some suicidology books. I will add them to the pile that I have for them because I don’t have space in my bookcase yet. I am glad I found them because it gives me something to read other than the Civil War book. I was reading “Definition of Suicide” but that book is really taxing. I have to be really alert to pay attention to it because the vocabulary is quite unique.

Today was going okay until my bowels decided to explode on me. I just barely made it to the bathroom. A combination of coffee and laxatives has caused all hell to break loose. I am debating taking some Imodium to try and calm things down. I hate when this happens because I can’t do a damn thing. I have to be near a toilet or I risk shitting myself. I was supposed to go to my father’s but it’s freezing and icy out. My middle sister is going there now to do his laundry. I asked her if she could do his meds for me. Guy will go berserk if the box isn’t filled up. He is such a pain in the ass.

Ankle is still bothering me but I haven’t taken any meds for it. I am afraid of getting back up again if I do. I hate getting backed up and then have the explosive bowels. I usually don’t get them but damn, when I do, it’s bad. I guess I shouldn’t have had the coffee but I was feeling sleepy and needed to be awake. Today is my niece’s birthday. She is turning 19. The party is at 4 and I hoping my stomach settles by then. I was so hoping to get a shower in but damn bowels have left me feeling weak. I should probably take a nap but I really don’t want to. I have been having strange mini dreams today, mostly involving suicide of someone in the dream. I really don’t want to go back there.

I am still trying to get reviewers for my book. If anyone on my blog wants a FREE, signed copy of my book, let me know. I will send you my book in exchange for a review. Warning the book is powerful and may make you cry. I had two people tell me this. I wrote it from the heart.

There is supposed to be another damn storm coming in from tomorrow night into Monday morning. I hope I still have therapy Monday. The appointment is at noon. I hope the snow has stopped by then. If it is really bad out, I will cancel. I am not going to risk a fall.

I have been in a strange mood the past 24 hours. I feel really down but not really. I just want to die, to cease to exist. My cousin’s mother passed away this week. She and her son has been on my mind. I got him a sympathy card and plan on mailing it on Monday. She was a good woman.

I have been thinking of writing again on my co-authored book. Trouble is that I don’t know what I did with the list of phrases to work on. Maybe I will do that tomorrow. Or I could write some more about suicide. I like that topic best. It is my muse. It is something I write well in.