Been having a rough day. CES flair up left me feeling pretty down. I have been avoiding taking a nap so far but I had to take some Ativan so should be sleeping soon. I took it because I was freaked out after hearing a freaky noise in the house. I was the only one that heard it so of course no one believes me. It sounded like a door creaking open but the door was already open so why the noise?
Voices have been ok until I got a tweet from Voldemort. Now I think he is personally sending me messages. I think its pretty funny I think this way even though I know I am losing my mind. I guess months of boredom has finally drove me nuts.
I started taking the abilify again. I really don’t want to end up back in the hospital. I just don’t understand why I become psychotic after a severe bout of depression. I know I have a psychotic features of depression, but this is kind of unusual.
Today my mother pissed me off. She saw my OLD scars and thought they were new. I HATE it when I am accused of doing something when I haven’t and if looks could kill, I would be dead. WTF. Why would I lie? I haven’t cut in years and though I walk around with t-shirts all the time, they are clearly visible. That’s what scars are. Old wounds that are still visible. They don’t go away no matter what you do. But don’t sit there and pretend that you don’t know about it because you know you do. Granted she has never really seen the full extent of it. I am just too stubborn and shameful to show it willingly. I am not proud of them but it served a purpose in my life for a few years.
Ankle is killing me right now. I swear if I am not dealing with one type of pain or the other every single day. It SUCKS. I swear this morning I started with the waking up and wanting to die again. I just can’t take waking up. It pisses me off. I don’t want to live yet I am “forced” to. I hate myself for living every day and being a coward for not taking my life.
Tag: suicidality
my mentor
This blog is about my mentor, David Jobes. He is a suicidologist at the Catholic University of America. I have been following his work since 2006 when I first learn of him through my research on a paper I was writing for psych assessments. I found that his suicide status form (SSF) was an awesome tool that is not widely used but should be. He has done research in the field for over 15 years. I have taken his workshop when he came to Boston in 2008 and I met his graduate students. He is a phenomenal person that really cares about suicidal people and the prevention of suicide. His book, Managing Suicidal Risk is groundbreaking work and I truly believe every clinician should read this book or at least have a copy of it.
If I ever get my independent study underway, I would have a raffle on this book and his other one, Building a Therapeutic Alliance to a clinician that responded to my research questions. I would be asking clinicians about their suicide training and if they would be interested in being more educated in this area. Not only about what empirical data is out there but also about the assessments. Most clinicians rely on their interviewing skills alone on detecting suicidal ideation but very few would actually treat it or use an assessment to help decrease the thinking. That is the beauty of the Suicide Status Form. It assesses, manages, creates a treatment plan, and provides documentation all in one.
stuck like glue
Got a stupid migraine today that is incapacitating me. Every sound and light beam is making my head hurt. I woke up with it and I hate that more than when I get one during the day. My right eye hurts and the area around it is numb.
How do you feel right now? what are you thinking about?—Stationary Addicts tweet for today. Seems appropriate somehow. I feel like crap and my head is pounding. I don’t want to have a session with my therapist tomorrow but she is being a fink and won’t let me cancel. She is worried about me because of my suicidality has peaked. I still have not told my psychiatrist what is going on. I just don’t want to. I just want to be left alone with myself for once and think things through enough to end my life. Why is that so bad?
I’m thinking about my friend who I told about my plans. She says she wants me to tell her goodbye. I don’t know how. I never have told anyone good bye before right before I acted on a plan so this is weird. I am also thinking that if I don’t go through with these plans I am never going to be free from my suffering.
Someone once asked me if you had to suffer and have misery to be happy. I would say that yes. For me in order to write I have to feel something powerful to get it out on paper. My journals are filled with my pain and suffering. But also writing on this blog has helped me to see that my writing helps people. I think the main reason for this is that most people suffer but do not know how to articulate it very well. I have a knack for being able to articulate these dark thoughts and put them out in the open (aka, the WWW). I don’t know how I am able to do this, my writing style has always been free, but I think I have learned some stuff from my English professors at the junior college I attended. They were really good in ripping my papers apart and having me redo them. But it taught me to write the way I write.
Song of the day is Casey James’ crying on a suitcase. I love this song and the guitar chords. I have a knack of finding a song that connects with me. I can’t explain it. Whatever I am feeling, a song will come on the radio to describe it perfectly. I have made CDs for my therapist trying to explain how I feel about her through the music and lyrics. I have been doing this since I first met her. It is sort of our thing now. Funny story, when the song by Sugarland came out, I didn’t play it for her because it was so freaky. Somehow the song came on her radio one day and told me about the song and I was like OMG no way! Song is called Stuck like Glue and you can say that the lyrics mean something for us because no matter how much we have tried to end this (Or rather I have tried) it seems like we were meant to be together.
ramblings 8
Someone gives me an idea and then I write. That usually is how my blog works. But lately, despite many ideas, I have not been able to think of anything to write. I have a black dog of depression following me around and I just can’t shake it. I can’t stand being home bound and not going out to even get a cup of coffee. I have been thinking about this for a while and wonder if I will be able to shake it this time. I want so badly to end my life and I wonder if I will ever go through with it. It has been constantly on my mind for weeks now. All I need to do is make a date with death. I am a useless human being. I can’t stand myself. I really just loath myself and feel that I deserve to die. I don’t deserve to live.
Other than that I am all out of ideas to write…
midnightdemons7 
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