Tag: suicidality

PCP appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

PCP appt and other things

I woke up in pain, again around nine. I used the bathroom and took my pain meds. Then I just laid in bed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep as I knew that would mess me up. I really didn’t want to go but this appointment was the next step to getting my transition started. My mood really sucked so I had to push myself for most of the day. It was exhausting and pain didn’t help matters.

I got to Starbucks and a woman approached me. We had met during my last hospitalization and she is now living in the area. I asked her if she still had my number. She did and she said she’d call. I doubt it. I haven’t heard from her since I left the hospital and I totally can’t think of her name. But it was good bumping into her.

I had something to eat and my espresso. I tried writing but was distracted. My ankle bone was really hurting. I tried to do some imagery exercises the PT wanted me to do to distract myself. I only got so far. I then started doing some of the belly tightening exercises she wanted me to do. That didn’t help me either. I did like 5 of them before I stopped. I didn’t feel like doing anything else. I used the bathroom before leaving and went to my appt.

I got there with time to spare. Supposedly my doc was on time, but I didn’t see him till 20 minutes past my appt. He read my psych’s note and found I wanted to be called he and G. I said yes. I told him I needed the notes from today so I could go to my next step for transitioning and he almost started to talk me into going there for my healthcare. Don’t think so buddy. Least not for now, anyway.

I then brought up that I wanted to be put on a longer acting pain med. That is when my being fat came into play. He said because I was obese, I might have a sleep disorder and that is why I wake up in the middle of the night not because of pain. Yea okay. He wants me to have a sleep study done before he thinks about going on a longer acting med. Fine, whatever. Did I mention I was hurting NOW?? I emailed my psychiatrist. I think she is fed up with me because she hasn’t responded to any emails I have sent her the past week. I’ve sent her whacky things the past few days, mostly late at night when I can’t sleep due to pain.

My suicidality has increased. I don’t know what the point in sticking around is. My doc said that the neuro says I have a nerve injury and, just like I thought, that pain meds are not good for it. It will be only a matter of time before he takes me off them. I hope I will be dead by then.

hurting Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting Saturday

I woke up at 6 in pain. The ankle brace I was wearing was digging into me. I took some meds and then went back to sleep, not caring if I never woke up again. Unfortunately, I did, around 1300. It hurt to move my ankle. I took some pain meds and went downstairs. I thought about brushing my teeth but I was going to eat so what would be the point. My mother had made some fried eggplant so I had some of that and then a bowl of cocoa pebbles. Then I made Hawaiian coffee. It was perfect, even if I was in pain.

I thought about reading a book when I went back upstairs to my room, but read Twitter instead. Someone on Facebook posted a pic of a response to Cheeto’s “Merry Christmas” campaign. I tweeted the pic to the jerk. I really detest him and hate Congress more for keeping him where he is instead of getting rid of him before he causes a war.

The music in my head got really loud. I emailed my psych again, saying I think it is dependent on my pain levels because I have noticed that when I am in a lot of pain, the music is louder than it normally is. I played my new favorite album by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. I had his new single, Round Here Buzz, on repeat. I love this song. I was so happy to hear it on the radio the other day. Now I just hope they release “Mixed drinks about feelings”. Love that song too. There really isn’t a song on this album that I don’t like. I have listened to it for days when I first bought it. The music is so good.

I am really tired. I don’t think I am going to make it to keep track of the OSU/NEB game tonight. It’s going to be hard to watch because I love both teams. But I have a feeling NEB is going to get crushed. OSU is just a really good team.

Going to lie down and hope this pain goes away. If this is a nerve injury, then I think my nerve is shocking my bones really bad right now. It’s so painful. I put lidocaine on and it didn’t do anything. I am so upset over this. The last few days I have been in such a bad mood. Feeling hopeless is the worst of it. I just want to die. I don’t see a reason to go on. What is the point? More pain?

Monday I have therapy. I really don’t want to go. I just don’t see the point. Course, I don’t see the point in anything right now. I just keep on going and not quite sure where I am going.

pain, pdoc appt, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Pain, pdoc appt, and other things

I once again woke up around 330 in pain. I took my pain meds and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I think I fell back to sleep around 5ish then woke up one minute before my alarm went off. I got up to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. Then I got dressed and caught the bus to the Square. I had to stop and deposit money in my checking account because I was short on funds. I’m glad I checked my balance because I would have been overdrawn. A transaction I made the other day I forgot about. Oops. I then went to Dunkin to get some pumpkin donuts. Then I went to Starbucks for my espresso and a breakfast sandwich.

I got on the train to get to my pdoc appt. The appt went well. I told her about the bitch coordinator for the pain group. If she knew who ran it, she would contact them. I told her not to bother as I don’t want to go anymore. This bitch just ruined it for me. She went over the notes from the neurologist appt yesterday. She has no clue about the bone scan he ordered. I have no clue either but I gather through my Twitter buddies that it’s a radioactive test. Guess I’ll be glowing in the dark, haha. We also talked about my mood and how sucky it has been. She agreed. She said that if I need to contact her this weekend, to use her cell phone number. I said ok.

I had to go home a different way because the bus I take from the Square was being detoured. It took me longer to go home. My ankle/foot is not happy with me right now. I am in a lot of pain. I took some Neurontin and my strong pain pill. The weather is cold so my spine is aching, too. I thought of going to Rite Aid for some half and half as I was out but changed my mind. I’ll go tomorrow. It will give me something to do. I also need to go to Walgreens.

My mood sucks right now. I’ve been thinking of suicide for most of the day, partly due to feeling hopeless about my ankle being FUBAR and partly because the depression is just so bad right now. I really hate this and sometimes I am scared that I will go ahead with my crazy plan I keep fantasizing about. I don’t know if I will act on it. I really want to but I know my immediate family will hurt and that keeps me here, as long as I don’t have constriction (blinders). I hate that I have to suffer so others won’t. It’s a real struggle when you lose all hope of getting better. I know that if PT is successful, I might not be in as much pain. Which might get me a little more active than I have been but as I told my pdoc today, I don’t think it will rehab me enough so I can work again. Hell, just walking the 3,342 steps today going out and back home is doing a real number on my ankle right now. I was only out of the house for a few hours and I am toast. I really need to rest this weekend, though the only thing I have planned is to change my sheets and try and find that backpack I’ve been wanting to use. It’s driving me crazy that I don’t remember where I left it last. It might be in a different part of my office, under some jackets or something.

I really would like to do some writing in my journal again. Lately I have been so tired because I wake up in the middle of the night that I just don’t have time to sit at Starbucks and write like I used to. Or I just been too distracted to write. Lately, I just can’t focus on anything. I can’t remember the last time I opened a book. I just am not interested in reading anymore.

My ankle is really hurting me right now. If I had a chainsaw, I would chop it off. It’s bad enough I feel like slicing it open with a knife. Somehow I think that will stop the pain by cutting out the pain. Weird thinking but it’s driving me crazy having to take this pill and that pill then waiting for the pills to work. It’s aggravating. You just want relief now and it doesn’t happen. I’m starting to have anxiety so I took one of my blood pressure pills. I didn’t take it this morning, again. This is the 3rd day I missed my morning dose. Luckily, when I saw the neuro yesterday, they took my BP and it was normal. I hate having to be on two medicines for my blood pressure. I especially hate having to take one twice a day. I should put the alarm in my app back on so I don’t miss the dose. I only stopped it because I was waking up in the middle of the night or going to bed really late and I didn’t want to be disturbed. I need some sleep.

in a depressed state

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

In a depressed state

I wanted to write another blog last night but I couldn’t get the words out. I felt super depressed about being in pain and it just caused this downward spiral. I just wanted to die. I still feel this way because my pain is really bad. I didn’t go to PT today because I didn’t sleep. I went to bed after 0400. I thought I would be able to go but I just could not get myself up. I called about an hour before my appt to say I wasn’t going.

I tried calling the courthouse to set up a time for Tuesday. For some stupid reason, I said 9. WTF was I thinking?? So 9 am Tuesday I go with my paperwork to get my name changed legally. Then the headache of calling everyone and their mother starts. I’m going to try and go to Social Security the following week. Depends on how I feel. Once that is done, I will go to the RMV to change and hopefully renew my license. My license expires in Dec so I don’t know if it’s too early to renew. I have to go in person, which is going to be a pain in the ass.

Around 4, I emailed my psych telling her I had enough and that I had a plan and I was going through with it. She wanted me to call her this afternoon. I paged her after I had something to eat. As I was going back to my room, my foot bones exploded with pain. I was again suicidal. I just wanted to die. There is no reason for me to continue going on. I don’t see the point in talking to her, I really don’t. My pain is not going to change, well it will but only for the worst. I’m still waiting to hear back from her. I really don’t care if she doesn’t call. I’m not really in a talking mood.