Tag: suicidality

Really annoyed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, disability, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been trying to sleep the past 2 hours but every time I lie down, my ankle and/or foot acts up. So I take something and that particular pain goes away only to be replaced by another pain in a different area of my foot or ankle. It is driving me nuts. Right now I have a brace on my foot. I had some medical tape on. That helped some of the pain until I moved my foot upward. Every time I move it, I’m in excruciating pain. It makes me want to die right then and there. I pound my pillow and I moan. No one can hear me. My mother is sleeping and deaf.

I posted a pic on Instagram with the brace on. I posted suicidal. I hope the cops don’t show up at my door tomorrow. I don’t know why I did that. I’m going to take it down. I don’t want trouble. Fuck. I am pointing my ankle downwards and I’m hurting. WTF. I’ve had enough of this bullshit.

I’m canceling my PT appt for today. The weather calls for flooding rain. I don’t want to go out just to get soaked waiting for the bus. I’ll email my PT after I cancel to let her know why so she doesn’t think I’m blowing her off. If I had a car, it would be different. Traveling by public transportation sucks sometimes.

I think the Zoloft is causing me to be nauseous. I had lowered by dose last week and was doing fine until tonight. I had to take a zofran to get rid of the feeling. I really dont want to puke. I’ve been on Zoloft for a year and a half or so. I’m not surprised it is making me sick. That was why I had to come off it. Most SSRIs cause nausea with me. When I see my doc next week, I’m going to ask her to possibly switch to something else, maybe venflexitine (Effexor). It has been the only drug I haven’t been on. I might have to have a break between meds or it could cause serotonin syndrome, which is not fun.

I took neurontin tonight to help with the burning. I hate when the physical pain is gone and it is replaced by nerve pain. I was reading an article about how there are few meds that help with nerve pain. What pissed me off was that it didn’t say what meds worked. Left you feeling like what is the purpose of the damn article. Hate that.

I had to put lidocaine on my big toe because it was acting up. I don’t know why some nights the top of it really hurts like it is being torn apart.

I hate when I am so very tired yet I can’t fricken sleep because of pain. I’ve taken all that I can. Just wish it would let up a little so I could sleep. I can imagine what my sleep study is going to be like. Always takes me forever to settle down to sleep. I even took an extra Ativan and I’m still up. Pain just doesn’t care what I take. Pisses me off. Think I’m going to brush my teeth. I need to go to the bathroom anyway. Stupid bladder! Walking downstairs is going to be fun. I need an immobilizer for my ankle so it doesn’t move. Maybe that will help. I just need it at night because that is when the pain is worse.

rollercoaster of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Rollercoaster of a day

I woke up after 8. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I got up and used the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and then went back up to my room. I wanted to be at the courthouse around 11 or so. I left around 0930 to the Square to get breakfast and my espresso. The bus was early as they had earlier delays. I wasn’t complaining. I got to Starbucks and their oven was broke so I couldn’t get a hot breakfast sandwich. The girl knew me so gave me two comp cards. I thought that was nice of her. I drank my espresso and wrote in my journal. I left around quarter of 11 to catch the bus to the courthouse. I wasn’t in too much pain and I hope it stayed that way. I wore a short sleeved shirt and it was cold. I was hoping it was going to warm up but it never did. I went to the courthouse okay and was in and out. I got my paperwork. It is now legal. I am G Collerone. I was on cloud nine but I did but didn’t feel good about it. I took a pic of the doc and sent it to everyone. Without me realizing it, my phone made a copy of each text I sent. I have like 10-15 copies of the 1 pic I sent out. I’ll delete them when I am bored.

I had to come home and get a sweatshirt. While waiting for the bus at the train station, a homeless man approached me wanting me to play him a song on my phone. As I was pulling up the song, my bus came and said sorry, got to go. I went to the back of the bus. He came on the bus and stunk it up with his booze smell. He also was drinking. Lovely. Luckily, he got off before I did. I came home and my mother was home from her doctor’s appt. I showed her the document and she gave me a disgusted look. Then said she was still going to call me my birth name. I argued with her but it did no good. Talk about a buzzkill. I tried to not let it bother me but it’s so hard. I talked to a few friends and the feelings passed. I then called my insurance to let them know of my name change but they said I should call my employer or it might go back to my birth name. I called my benefits place and I needed to fax the document over to the HR in charge of my case. I left the house for the bus that never came. I was so pissed. I had to take the next route, which didn’t go to the Square directly. I had to catch another bus to get there. I had wanted to go to my bank to see what documents they needed to change my name but I didn’t have time. I’ll do that tomorrow. I was able to fax to my former workplace where I still receive benefits. I am glad this happened before open enrollment, which is next month. Tomorrow I will call my bank to see what they need and my prescription insurance to change my name. So many things to do.

After the fax was sent, I went to my therapist’s office. I had emailed him a safety plan and that I was planning on ending my life soon, which was why next week would have been our last session. I went in and saw that he printed out the form. I was shocked. We talked about things and he gave his impressions of what goes on with me when I become suicidal. It was fairly accurate. We filled out the form. So now I have a safety plan to go to when I get the suicidal urges. I feel better that he did this with me because I was really feeling like he wasn’t going to and that I was again alone with my suicidality. I have put the date off, for now, because I am looking forward to transitioning as a male. I think I can do this.

spoonie day completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Spoonie day completed

I woke up in typical fashion after a night of horrible pain, low pain in the morning. I took advantage and showered. I also made oatmeal pancakes and coffee. I wanted to cut my toenails on that foot but didn’t want to push it. Now it’s impossible because I am flared up again. I got up to get my night meds and boom, my foot went out in pain. Great.

My psych wanted me to page her in the afternoon so I did. Unfortunately, my mother called at the same time she did so she got sent to voicemail. My mother wanted me to make her lunch as she was still hurting with her knee. I made her the sandwich and then paged my psych again. I was expecting a quick callback but nothing. Here it is almost six hours later and nothing. I emailed her to tell her I paged her but never got a response. I am going to email her again in an hour telling her I will be going to bed soon. I sent her a goofy email while I was drugged up with my pain meds and she is worried about me. I read the email this morning and it was not one I normally send. I told her I loved her and some other sentimental things, totally out of character for me.

I’ve been doing some PT stuff, mostly imagery. I haven’t used the app today. I probably will after I write this blog. I didn’t use it yesterday because I just wanted an off day of doing nothing. For the first time this month I had a day off from appointments and leaving the house so just stayed in bed. I was in pain anyway so there wasn’t much I could do. Now I will be on my bed the rest of the night. I hope I can sleep.

I’ve been feeling good despite my flare up just now. It was a relief to have a temporary low pain and still do things. My middle sister dusted and vacuumed for my mother ¾ of the house. She said she will be back in the morning to do the bathroom and kitchen. While she was here, she bitched about her kids and my crazy cousin, who is a kleptomaniac. My 2nd youngest niece hangs with her and I hope doesn’t get involved in the stupidity my cousin pulls. My cousin loves diagnosing people and I can only imagine what shit she has told my niece.

Yay! My psych called me back. Unfortunately, she changed our appt time to the 30th after I told her I was stopping treatment after Oct. I just don’t want any appointments in November for reasons I didn’t tell her. I felt like I bullshitted her while talking for the first time in my life and it didn’t feel good. We talked about the transgender stuff and she told me the hospital will be expanding care in the future for transgender people. That’s cool and about time! Monday I will legally be G Collerone and I hope that will be on my death certificate. That will be very important to me, but then I’ll be dead so I won’t know. I’ll haunt my family if not, haha.

random Friday blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Friday Blog

I had a hard time sleeping because of pain. I woke up around 8 and took my blood pressure and pain pills. Then I used the bathroom. I didn’t brush my teeth as standing hurt too much. I haven’t done it in two days now and really don’t care. I wanted to go back to sleep but it was difficult. Then my loud mouth aunt came over and forget about sleep. While I was trying to doze, I got an internet call. I let it go to voicemail and then listened to the message. It was the courthouse wanted me to call them back. I didn’t feel like talking to anyone so I waited a while.

I was really hungry as I didn’t eat anything in about 24 hours. I didn’t want to eat with my aunt and mother in the kitchen so I waited for them to go to the living room. I was just in an off mood and didn’t want conversation, at all. I made four sliders and had some Fresca, which is a diet soda, the only kind I drink. It was yummy. I then went upstairs where my ankle/foot acted up again. I called the courthouse and left as message as no one answered.

My loud mouth aunt left after about a half hour so I finally fell asleep. I slept for about four hours and had the strangest dreams. When I woke up, there was a message from the courthouse. I need to go in on Monday! I won’t be going early, just around 11 or so. It is going to be a long day because I have therapy in the afternoon. Think I will take the bus to Harvard Square and hang out there for a bit. I don’t know how long it will take at the courthouse. I am excited as I will finally have the name that I want.

I’m still depressed. I don’t want to do anything. I need a shower but I hurt too bad to stand. I’ve been trying to do the PT stuff but it’s hard when you are in so much damn pain. Last night when my pain was high, I took pics of my feet and ankle. My PT wanted me to. So I did and then I sent them to her. She responded that they were for me. WTF. I hate looking at my feet let alone someone else’s. I haven’t done the app thing because I just don’t feel like doing a damn thing today. I just want to die. It will be soon, I hope.