Tag: suicidality

ugh another psych admit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ugh another psych admit

Met with my psych this morning. I should have known it wasn’t going to be a good day when the 747 bus never showed up but my cousin did to give me a ride to the Square. I gave her some sauce and a piece of my cranberry cake. Then she said she wanted me to go in the hospital. From her tone, there was no arguing with her. She didn’t like that I picked a date, again, or the dire emails I sent when my pain caused me to be suicidal, more than usual. I’m just grateful she let me go to my therapist’s office later this afternoon. I told her I wanted his input.

I came home waited for my new laptop screen to be delivered. I was expecting it around 1230. It didn’t come till after 1300, which left little time for a nap. I wasn’t in that much pain but knew I would need some when it got closer to my therapist’s time. Unfortunately, I didn’t bring my bag of all things, which contained a water bottle so I didn’t take my pain meds. I still felt good so thought I would be okay.

I talked with my therapist about what my psych had said. He didn’t see the point in going in except maybe learning a few things, if I went to the unit my psych wants me at. I thought about this as I left his office. I got to the corner of where his block was and the top of my foot felt like it was being smashed with a brick. Fuck! I had no water to take my one pain pill I had. I carefully walked to the station. Went down the stairs and the train was coming, a full one. Nope not standing three stops. I sat down and waited for the next one, which wasn’t too long. It was less crowded and I got a seat. By the time I got to the Square for the bus home, I wanted to cry. The pain intensified. I could have killed myself right then and there. I missed the bus by mere fractions and sat for the next one. I thought I was going to bawl as the bus was in traffic on the ride home. I was hurting so bad and I needed to get my meds at Walgreens. I honestly have no clue how I got home.

I wanted to tell my youngest sister I would be going in the hosp tomorrow but she was surrounded by her family and my middle sister and I didn’t want to bring it up. My brother in law is anti-mental health issues of any kind. I’ll text her later with it.

I did tell my mother, which is a huge step for me as I usually just leave her notes the morning of. We were talking when my psych called me. HAHA she is worried about. She asked how I was and I said not so great as it has been a long day. I then explained that I wanted to go to the unit she recommended and if I end up at the hospital I was in a few months ago, I will sign a 3 day (basically it’s a form forcing the hospital a 72 hour notice to decide if I need to stay (court will be involved), can go home, or will leave against medical advice). If I do go to the hospital and get assigned a different treatment team other than Bonnie and Clyde, I will stay as they may be helpful. There is one doc there I really like working with and he is sincere in trying to help anyway he can, unlike the Bonnie and Clyde couple. Bonnie and Clyde are assholes who after learning I wanted to leave the hospital to kill myself, then asked when I wanted to be discharged. Fuck you too! It was a complete waste of time and I won’t go back to their “treatment”. Plus those assholes put in my medical record that I have gender dysphoria so now all my medical records in this healthcare system know, whereas only my psych knew before. I am still steamed about this but once something is in the records, it cannot be removed without serious documentation and possibly a lawyer. Not worth it. I did bring it up to my psych, who was not happy to learn my PCP read her notes. He is okay with me being trans so I just hope it doesn’t make me a target of any discrimination, now or in the future. I told my therapist today that he will not be getting any releases from my long term disability folks. They do not need to know anything about what I talk to him about. Course they could just read my blog, which would be all they needed to either have me continue with their shit or not. I feel like their stuff is heavier than social security!! Once I get my newer laptop running again (crosses fingers and eyes), I plan on going to the website to see what exactly I am disabled. I am kind of in the dark as to whether or not it’s physical or psych or both. With my long term disability, it’s physical and depression, though how they determined that without my therapist’s notes, I have no clue. Must have gotten them from my psych, but even she didn’t get anything, so who knows. As long as they continue to pay me (the small amount) I am happy.

So tomorrow morning, I will be catching the first bus to the Square to go to the ER, where I hope I’ll be placed in the unit my psych wants me to go to. I am not feeling hopeful about it as we have tried to get on this unit many times and failed. I am very tired. I will be taking my night meds shortly and hopefully go to bed within an hour, if not sooner. I just hope my stupid foot pain doesn’t keep me up all night. I also hope I have access to my phone on this unit or I will not like it. I won’t be able to use the app for my PT. I can’t say that it’s been helping because my scores have been terrible when I am in high pain. Maybe that is a good thing. It will be nice to see if the scores change over time. I told my psych that PT is going to be a long process that won’t happen overnight. Unfortunately, I just don’t have the patience or the hopefulness to stick with it as my depression is so severe. Even my therapist said today I don’t look too hopeful that the hospitalization or anything will help. He is right. I have been let down so many times but usually just the change of environment has helped a little, even if the staff hasn’t been. Sometimes a hospitalization will help me see things differently but that was when I was dealing with mental demons, not pain demons. It is so unpredictable and that is what wears me out. As I was telling my mother tonight, there is no reason for my ankle to hurt doing “normal” movements that it should do. Physically there is nothing wrong with the bones, that I know of. I am still waiting to hear back about the bone scan. The tendons might be inflamed but after all the rest that I have given it the last 5 years, it should have been calmed down by now. If this is truly a nerve injury, I am screwed as there is no treatment and if anything, it should have shown some improvement by now if there was going to be any. The fact that the pain has gotten worse doesn’t help me feel too hopeful about the future. Hence why I get so suicidal in a flare up.

Release

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Release
Song by Pearl Jam:
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Windowsill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll wait up in the dark
For you to speak to me
I’ll open up
Release me
Release me
Release me
Release me

I love this song and I am glad it came on my Pandora playlist I created called, Pearl Jam. I am in a shitty mood. I have been thinking about a story that has been brewing in my head the last few months but have yet to put it into words or write it out. I just haven’t had the motivation.

Tonight, I am in a lot of pain. I had taken my foot out of the covers because I had burning pain. After a few minutes, it calmed down. After a few more minutes, I got the worst pain down my foot. I put it back under the covers and it didn’t calm down. I still feel this pain. Most of my pain tonight is in my foot. The ankle seems to have settled down some.

I’m feeling very despondent, like nothing matters. I want to go to sleep but I got a lot on my mind because I want the pain in my foot to stop but it shows no sign of stopping. And even though it has been hours since I ate, I feel bloated. Seems like my meds make me feel this way. I swear it is like eating another meal when I take so many meds at night.

I was thinking of writing a blog called “should I die” or “if I would die” but I lost my train of thought and never wrote it. This is the third night in a row that my suicidality is high around the same time of night. I don’t know why this is. Psychache is also high and when mixed with physical pain, it is a bad combination. All my thoughts are about death and dying.

I told the social security person while I was filling out the paperwork for name change that I was trans as it asked what sex I was. Apparently, without a doctor’s note, I had to put what I biologically am. I am saddened by this. Just another kick me while I’m down. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly male. Right now I’m in so much pain I really don’t think it matters. I don’t matter. Nothing matters. Heart hurts and there is no pill for that kind of pain.

running around continued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Running around continued

I got the zipcar this morning and went to the Social Security office. I should have looked up the address before leaving but I didn’t. I drove right by it, twice. I waited about an hour to be called. There was some traffic on the way home. My mother wanted me to stop and get her some stuff at the grocery store. She wanted deli meat and bread. I also wanted to see if I could find a 9×9 or 10×10 pan. No luck. So I went to Stop and Shop as I still had some time to kill before returning the car. They didn’t have it either so I settled on an 8×8. I then returned the car. As I was walking home, my ankle was hurting. I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts and of course there was a line. The regular pharm tech wasn’t there. My ankle wasn’t happy to stand. By the time I got home, I was hurting really bad. I am still hurting.

I had overnight oats for breakfast. It was okay. There was only one kind and it had coconut in it. I love coconut shavings but not really the flavor. While I was at the grocery store, I bought lunch, some buffalo chicken wings. I should have bought two packages. Oh well. It was really good and not too hot. I am hungry now but going down the stairs is going to hurt. I emailed my PT to see if maybe wearing a boot will help as any movement really hurts, weight bearing or not. I got to keep my ankle/foot immobilized in order to stay pain free. I only hesitate to wear it because it knocks my hip out of whack, which then hurts my back.

I got into a low mood last night and emailed my psych that I was done. I was giving up. Monday would be our last appt. It might change but it might not. I don’t know. I hate being ambivalent but it’s the nature of the beast. My mood kind of sucks right now. I am in a lot of pain. Meds have taken away some of it but it’s still always there. I know I will never have zero pain, even with the meds. But I want them to take more than just the edge off sometimes. If they can bring my pain to my baseline, that would be great. It really sucks that I had to decrease my Zoloft due to side effects. I feel it helped me cope with things better.

Big goings on with the Red Sox today. A lot of their coaches have been hired by other teams since the firing of John Farrell. They have name a new manager, Alex Cora, who used to play with the Sox. I like him and think he will be good for the team. Just stinks he has to hire new coaches now as well as to get to know the players. I really would love to see Jason Varitek as their pitching coach. I love Varitek when he played our catcher. He is so very handsome and a good player that was classy and knew the game well. I miss seeing him every day. I follow his wife on twitter as he doesn’t have any social media accounts. The Skanks fired their manager today. I am not surprised as he really wasn’t producing for them. They made it to the playoffs but didn’t win any pennants. Not that I feel bad or anything. I didn’t like him, but only because he played for our rival team. I honestly don’t know anything about him like I do their other manager, Joe Torre. I respect Joe. He is one of a kind.

in a rotten hopeless mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a rotten and hopeless mood

I had a difficult night sleeping. Every time I moved my ankle, it hurt. If I moved my foot, it hurt. And it wasn’t a “normal” pain that I feel, it was excruciating so much so that I was moaning and punching my pillow. This happened several times as I tried to sleep. I finally went to bed around 4 am or so. I woke up about 4 hours later. I called my PT and told the secretary that I wasn’t coming in due to pain and no sleep. I took some pain meds and my morning BP meds. Then emailed my PT to let her know I wasn’t blowing her off. There was supposed to be heavy rain today but it never showed. It’s really humid, which I don’t like.

I went back to sleep until around 1300 or so. My pain was down so I chanced a shower. I also shaved until my trimmer ran out of juice. Then I had to manually shave with a razor. I was sweating after I dried off. Hate humidity. I had something to eat, last night’s leftovers. I then went back to my room to cool off as I had the AC on. I was tired from the shower so tried to nap. Soon as I laid down, my stupid ankle went berserk. I was in so much pain, I started crying. My mother called at that moment and I just broke down on the phone. I was in the middle of an email to my psych as I was feeling really hopeless and suicidal at this point. Like what is the point of going on if I am just going to be in pain every single day without adequate relief? I texted my therapist and he responded with that I must be feeling frustrated and lonely. Whatever! Stupid jerk. Monday he was a caring and understanding therapist and today he is a jerk. I am so done. I really wanted to put my plan back on the table. Thing is, I might be too fat to do the deed.

My check came in while I was still up in the middle of the night. I paid a few bills. Now I got to wait till Friday for the rest of the checks to clear. I can’t touch my account until then. If I have at least $60, I am going to try and go to the RMV Friday to update and renew my license. I just hope it isn’t too early to do so and then I have to go back closer to the expiration date.