Tag: suicidality

bitch rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bitch rant

I’m not in a good mood right now. I made my dessert and then cleaned up afterwards. I washed all the dishes that were in the sink while my dessert was setting in the fridge. I am in a lot of pain now. I took some pain meds but my feet got cold and when I put on my thermal socks, the elastic aggravated my ankle. I am hurting all over the damn place. Now my toes are fucking hurting. I can’t stand it anymore!! I don’t know why I am so strung out.

After I cleaned up, I took a shower and had to cut my toe nails. My foot did not like that. I didn’t do a good job on my big toe. It’s rough and uneven. I can’t seem to fix it without pain so when it settles down, I will try and file it. I can’t even touch my own foot. It just hurts too much.

I took my night meds after I filled my box for the week. I feel very depressed that I am in pain. I also feel suicidal. I won’t do anything tonight. Hell, I don’t think I’ll ever do anything. I seem to make all these fucking plans but never go through with them. Pisses me off so much. I just want to fucking die right now and I can’t go through with it all because I can’t fucking walk. I am so pathetic.

I got shit from my mother tonight because I didn’t want to call my brother in law to throw the trash over the porch. I didn’t have shoes on and the porch floor has pebbles on it. I didn’t want to get them on my bare feet because they stick. So my mother had a fit. Tough shit. She can take care of it tomorrow. I don’t fucking care.

I don’t know why I am so fucking low tonight. I know it’s partly because I am so much pain. I never get a break from it. If I do, it’s only for a few hours. Most of the time it is while I sleep. If I could sleep all day, that would be great but I can’t. I am so tired of being in pain. I really wish I was dead.

slept awkward

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Slept awkward

I had woken up to take some more pain meds and moved my pillow but instead of taking my meds, I fell back to sleep. My neck was in an awkward position and it was hurting. Now I am up because I can’t go back to sleep and my ankle/foot is being an asshole.

It’s 0300. I took some Ativan to try and get the kink out of my neck and to go back to sleep. It’s still hot and humid in the house, but freezing in my room because of the AC. I love it. Because I am up now, I don’t think I will be leaving the house to go to the ER for an admission in three hours. I’d have to go early in the morning so I can be seen and the process begins. Last time I went though, I was still there for about 14 hours in the ER. I am feeling slightly better than I was on Friday night, but the pain is driving me nuts and I seriously thought about killing myself again. I just waited it out because there was nothing I could do. I was maxed out on my pain meds so I couldn’t take more, except the strong pain pill. I didn’t want to unless the pain didn’t go away. It did settle down after a few minutes. Sometimes it is in these bursts for some reason. It’s awful because you’re screaming in pain. And you just want to seriously die on the spot because it is so awful.

I’m going to try and change my sheets today. I wanted to do that yesterday but I got lazy. I did a lot of stairs on Saturday while going to the wake and my calf was tight. I didn’t want to aggravate it with wrestling with the sheets. I just hope I don’t sleep all day.

My sisters and nieces came home safely. I saw one sister, the one that lives on the first floor. It was so good to see my nieces. I didn’t want to let them go while hugging them. I missed them so much. The pictures were beautiful. My sis brought back some cheeses and olives. She also had a ton of little gifts. I got a dish with a wine stopper, a key chain, and a piece of lava rock from Mt. Etna. That was really cool. I am glad they had fun and saw all my cousins over there, or most of them anyway. My parents home town was very barren as there are no jobs there so my cousins are in the cities outside of there. It still is a very beautiful place. My sisters and nieces saw my father’s last surviving brother. He probably won’t survive the year because he is not eating. He lost a lot of weight since I last saw him. He has dementia. One minute he knew who my sister was and the next he didn’t. It is hard. He is close to 90. There are strong genes on both sides of the family.

Going to try and go back to sleep. Hope I am successful.

pain, espresso, and a haircut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain, espresso, and a haircut

I woke up in pain, again. It’s starting to happen every morning and does not go away despite me doing things like make breakfast or going out. I was going to stay in today so I took some Neurontin with my pain meds. I then went downstairs to make breakfast. I didn’t feel like making coffee at home so I decided to go out to the Square and then get a haircut.

I left my house and my cousin was outside. He gave me a ride to the Square so I didn’t have to take the bus. I was grateful because I didn’t know when the Neurontin was going to kick in. I got my espresso and then went to the barber shop.

I drank my coffee as I waited for my barber. He was with another customer but I was next in line so I didn’t mind waiting. The coffee kept me awake. He cut my hair very short, a military style cut and I loved it. I had to wait a half hour for the bus so I went to Chipotle for lunch.

The bus was late and then was further delayed because there was a blind man exiting the bus and needed help maneuvering around the bus depot. A few passengers helped him get to where he wanted to go. Then people boarded the bus. The bus driver was heavy on the gas, which made me nervous. It also made me seasick as she kept having to put the brakes on each stop. I sat when my stop came up because my foot was already screaming at me and I didn’t want the extra exertion of weight bearing to keep my balance.

As soon as I got to my house, the thunderstorms started. I got in just in time for a downpour. It cooled off a little bit but it was still humid. I went to my room to cool off before taking a shower. I waited at least an hour and then I took a cool shower. I went back to my room and my foot completely had a fit. It started cramping and then while I was putting on my PJs, it exploded in pain. I had to put thermal socks on because it got ice cold. I took some Ativan and more pain meds. I am pretty sleepy now and plan on taking a nap, if the pain calms down enough. I had to take a strong pain pill after the foot explosion because I couldn’t take more regular pain meds. I am so depressed. I really wanted to kill myself but it’s too hot for me to travel to where I want to go. I thought about texting my therapist but I didn’t want to bother him. I also thought about paging my psych but she is booked and I don’t know when she’d be able to call me back. I really don’t want to go to the hospital anyways. I just want my damn pain to be controllable. Putting on clothes shouldn’t be a trigger for more pain.

My mother made grilled cheese for dinner. She served pickles with them. Every time I bit into it, the pickle juice went down the wrong pipe and I choked. That was great! Then my foot really cramped up while putting the paper dishes in the trash. I am just so annoyed that I am in so much pain. I am not getting up for anything except taking my meds later on and using the bathroom if I need to. I will listen to the ball game tonight if I am awake enough. I really need a nap.

so fucking fed up

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So fucking fed up

I woke up at dawn because that is when the sun was shining into my room, brightening it up. It was a little after 0515. I was in pain. I went to the bathroom and then took my meds. I wanted to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. Around 0630, I was getting hungry so I made an egg sandwich. I then went back to sleep for a few hours before I had to be up for my dentist appointment. I was debating going as my foot and ankle were hurting but decided to keep it as I knew if I cancelled, I wasn’t going to reschedule.

I slept until my alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I wanted to make coffee but I would be going to the Square so I didn’t make it. I shaved my head, which resulted in razor burn in the back of my head. I took a shower and then rested for an hour or so. I brushed my teeth, which my ankle didn’t like. I had slipped in the shower so it was smarting.

I went to the bank and there was no line at all so I got to the dentist office early. They took me early. They didn’t take any x-rays, which I was grateful because they always make me gag. I had three cavities. It’s been a few hours since the cleaning and my teeth still hurt from the scraping and flossing. I hate going to the dentist. I am not looking forward to having three cavities filled. The dentist said I need a special toothpaste at night to help protect my teeth better. I hope it’s not gross because I can’t rinse my mouth after I brush or eat or drink for 4 hours. That’s going to be tricky. I guess I will have to take my night meds and then brush my teeth. It’s going to be a challenge but I don’t want more cavities.

I went to Starbucks for lunch and my espresso. I went to deposit my money in my checking account. After I ate, I didn’t feel like writing so went to the barber shop. My barber was out until 1630. I didn’t feel like hanging around till then so caught the next bus home. My foot/ankle was throbbing and I needed pain meds and to put my leg up.

My pain got worse when I got home. I really am fed up. Then at dinner, my mother hated my new PJs and hair style. I am so sick of her comments. She is the most unsupportive person that is supposed to be a caring parent that I ever met. I wish I could ignore her ignorance but I live with her so it’s difficult. Then she wonders why I don’t talk to her. Least it didn’t set off my suicidal urges like it normally does. The pain is doing a fine enough job about that. I think I will get my hair fixed on Saturday. Tomorrow I need to rest or my ankle/foot is just going to kill me. I still want to try and make iced coffee at home. I think I have figured out the coffee to water ratio to make it work.