pain rant 3

Pain rant 3

I left my bed and as I was taking the sheets off my foot, my big toe didn’t like it. The whole foot exploded in pain. There went the plans I had with my sister to go out for dinner. I had a frozen dinner for a late lunch and then a peanut butter and jelly sandwich for dinner. My foot and ankle pain has been off the charts. I had to take a strong pain pill. It still hasn’t settled down and I took it about 4 hours ago.

The game is about to start soon. I hope it will distract me from the pain. I have been draining my phone’s battery as I still don’t have internet so been using my phone for social media. I only connect to the hotspot if I need to. I hope to have my net back tomorrow, or at least a phone call as to why it is still off.

I wrote out a few things I wanted to discuss with my therapist tomorrow. I thought the list would be longer but it was essentially three things. I wrote them in my phone so I wouldn’t have to bring in paper. Depending on the first question, which is does he care, I will then go to my next question. If he doesn’t care, there is no point in continuing the conversation.

My thoughts have been really in the toilet. It’s hot in the house so I barely leave my room, except to use the bathroom or get something to eat, which just causes me pain going up and down the stairs. I feel like I am confined and it doesn’t feel good. I hope my pain is down by tomorrow so I can see my therapist but it’s going to be hotter and more humid. I hate this kind of weather. I really hate summer.

I really just want to die because it would be better than living this life of pain every single day and night. I just am losing my patience with it. I can’t tolerate it anymore. Only relief I get is when I sleep because I am exhausted.

Just went to the bathroom for the hundredth time today. I don’t know why my bladder gets so damn full as I haven’t been drinking a lot of fluids today. I know I probably should in this heat but it causes me to leak more so I don’t drink. I think I found out why my big toe hurts me all the time. I have a tendon that is popping up. I can’t move my toes downward because of my nerve injury. I can move it up but not down, least the big toe anyway. I’ll have to go back to the foot doc and see what they say. I am sure nothing will be done and they will just tell me to keep doing what I have been doing (which is just take my pain meds and hope the pain goes away). I am tired of that bullshit. It gets old so quickly.

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts: A Review

I have been reading CBT for Preventing Suicide Attempts edited by Craig Bryan, PhD and these are my thoughts about the book by chapter. I also describe what each chapter is about.

Chapter 1: Deals with the problem of suicide and how it’s on the rise. It also describes the difficulty of knowing what works and what doesn’t. The authors goes on to what the book is about and how CBT has been shown to be useful in some clients with suicide ideation.

Chapter 2: Describes the dreaded nomenclature of suicide attempts, ideas, suicidality, etc. The authors describe how the term SDV (self-directed violence) is a more accurate term and also other terms to decide pathways on treatment protocols. They term the entire suicidality as SDVCS-Self-Directed Violence Classification System. It is used by three large federal organizations- the CDC (Center for Disease Control and Prevention), the VA (Veterans Administration), and the DOD (Department of Defense).

This chapter gives good examples of how different researchers, clinicians, and other professionals can use this classification system. I didn’t review the system pathways and yes/no guidelines because terms don’t mean that much to a suicide attempt survivor writing about my lived experience. I’m either suicidal or I’m not. I don’t need to classify and put myself into a category. But if you are a clinician/researcher or other academic interested in suicide prevention, the nomenclature is pretty good and better than what Silverman et. al. proposed in 2007 a and b (see this blog post on my thoughts about their terms).

Chapter 3 deals with what works and what doesn’t in suicide risk. It talks about studies pertaining to talking therapies and psychopharmalogical treatment of suicidal behaviors. I found this to be more of a review of what I know as of right now in terms of evidence based practices (EBP) and what is not. Some studies were really small and others were large. Most centered around Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD) as that is a high risk group. What I found upsetting is that those with bipolar disorder or those that were psychotic were excluded from most of the studies. As I suffer from psychosis and bipolar disorder, my participation would not be included and I find that disappointing, especially since bipolar disorder and other psychotic disorders such as schizophrenia have a higher incidence of suicide than major depression alone.

Chapter 4 was an eye opening chapter that I really liked. It talked about all of the suicidologists that I have been following for the past eleven years. It discusses different theories and models of suicide and risk assessment. It also discusses protective factors of suicide such as reasons for living/dying. I found this chapter to be really good and a lead off to how all of the things talked about lead to the next chapter, which is a case example.

Chapter 5: In this chapter, a case is described step by step of a suicidal older gentleman and the cognitive steps, consent, etc. are used by a play by play dialogue. Things like safety planning, coping cards, and hope kit are discussed in detail and how to implement them in therapy using cognitive therapy.

Chapter 6 talks about a brief cognitive behavior treatment (BCBT) for inpatient units called PACT (Post Admission Cognitive Therapy). It discusses the criteria for engaging patient, pros/cons of treatment and how not everyone may be suitable for this type of treatment, e.g., those with active psychosis/mania.
It would be good if this could be implemented but as the treatment is 5-6 days and on average most admissions are 3 days, I don’t see how this is to be helpful. Discussion of staff resistance and burnout are also discussed.

Chapter 7: This was very interesting as I’ve never really read about military psychotherapy before. The chapter gives specifics on how to approach a veteran or active military personnel in crisis or dealing with suicidal thoughts. It talks in detail about Brief Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (BCBT) and the steps per session. Not all persons will respond within the 12 sessions. It is individualized for each person. The chapter also talks about hot to discuss lethal means safety and means restriction (see chapt 9 for more information; e.g., gun safety in particular). When the sessions are down to the last two and command of previous exercises are demonstrated to be efficient, end of therapy is initiated. Booster sessions are discussed in case of future crises should happen. I found this therapy to be specific not only for military but can be used for any type of suicidal behavior. It’s a collaboration between therapist and client.

Chapter 8: Emergency departments are the top places suicidal people end up, either with an attempt, ideation, or crisis. Sadly, if the right precautions are not set (e.g., inpatient care or some type of follow up care), individuals are more than likely to die by suicide.
This chapter talks about the challenges and brief interventions that can be initiated so that death by suicide does not occur after a visit. The authors describe specific suicide safety planning that is individualized for that person to help them cope with stress that makes suicide appealing. It also gives crisis numbers, either a trusted person they can talk to in time of need and/or the National Suicide Hotline (1-800-273-8255, text 741741 (US only)). Once a little role play is done and the individual can demonstrate they will use this plan, patients are discharged to follow up outpatient care.
Only trouble I have with this approach is that not all EDs are equipped with mental health professionals and don’t have the 30-45 minutes or so it would take to implement the safety plan, even though it is crucial this should happen.

Chapter 9: As more and more evidence is building that suicidal individuals are seeing a primary care provider prior to death by suicide, it’s become imperative that PCPs have the training to ask patients for means restriction. The author suggests several ways to initiate the conversation and lists steps to do this. If patients are resistant, the use of motivational interviewing techniques are employed. The end result is a means restriction receipt where PCP and patient have agreed to restrict their lethal means. If possible, a supportive person is asked to help secure the means.

Chapter 10: This chapter talks about the use of psychotropic medication and the use of CBT or BCBT in suicidal patients. To date, there has not been studies where therapy and medication has been shown to be effective in reducing suicide risk. It is suggested that despite the thoughts and black box warnings of the FDA, suicide ideation is still likely to occur of not treated or dealt with at the beginning of pharmacological treatment. The author also discusses the risk of substance use and dependence disorders that can increase the risk of a suicide attempt. PTSD has also been discussed as hyperarousal states can increase suicide risk.

Concluding thoughts: Overall, I found this book to be extremely helpful, concise, and important in the prevention of suicide attempts. With the right intervention at the right time, Brief CBT can help decrease the suicide risk and possibly the overall suicide rate.

hurting

Hurting

I woke up from my haze. Again I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until around 0300. I am so damn tired. I made breakfast and as I was going down the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step so I tripped over it. My foot is going ballistic. I took a bunch of meds so I am hoping to go back to sleep soon.

I watched Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill’s new video. OMG it is so hot! I don’t know who is hotter, Faith or Tim. It’s such an awesome video! I am listening to them now. I feel like taking a break from Linkin Park.

I was supposed to go to the post office today to mail my friend in Canada some stuff for her grandkids and son. But that got nixed when I hurt my foot. The weather is better today as the sun finally made an appearance. It’s 60 degrees so I am not as cold in my room. Last night was brutal. I wanted to turn on the heat it was so cold.

As I am not that sleepy yet, I decided to call neurology to set up an appointment. Apparently, this doc has to review your medical records before she decides to see you. WTF. I left another message with her secretary to call me and also to let her know that I am a MGH patient and she has my permission to view my record. So fucking stupid.

I am running low on my strong pain pills so I put in a request to get a refill. Next week I need to put in the request for my regular pain meds. So I get to go to Boston twice in a week. I see my psych next week so I might just wait to get the regular meds then.

I’m kind of feeling really suicidal. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am in too much pain, emotionally and physically. It’s so exhausting. I had breakfast but I am hungry again. I really don’t want to go down the stairs again. I am just hurting way too much. I wish I had some protein bars in my room. I know I am feeling this way because I am tired and I’m out of spoons.

I want chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. I ate my last two pieces that I had. I need to get more dark chocolate. I wish I could have it delivered rather than me going out. I just checked out the price for baby back ribs from a BBQ place in the Square. Fricken $19 for ½ a rack! Forget it! I’ll get it at Stop and Shop for $7!

Meds are kicking in so I am going to sleep. I just wanted to write something in case I sleep the rest of the day.

Freaking Friday

Freaking Friday

I woke up around 0430 because my bladder told me to. Luckily, I was able to go back to sleep after taking some pain meds. I didn’t want to get up around 1030. I had an hour or so before I had to catch the bus to see my psych. I really wanted to cancel it but I needed to talk to her and get a refill on my Zoloft.

I got to the Square and went to Starbucks. I had espresso and a breakfast sandwich. By the time I was done, it was time to catch the train. The appt went okay. I told her I was still suicidal because I am just fed up. She said to call her if I was going to through with my plans. She refilled my prescription and I see her in two weeks.

I went back to the square and the bus was late. Actually, it never showed up and I was pissed because there was an asshole at the bus depot playing his music on his phone full fucking blast. I could barely hear my music through MY headphones it was so damn loud. I really thought I was going to lose it. And he was hitting on every girl that went by him, which disgusted me. Normally I don’t mind but he was just being loud and obnoxious about it. And of course the asshole was on my bus. There were some teenagers that got on so he had to talk with them. The bus couldn’t go fast enough to get this jerk off his stop.

I went to the pharmacy to get my prescription. I also checked out some electric razors while I was there but didn’t like any that I saw and they were out of my price range. The one that I had died on me and would like to replace it. My bad foot was ready to kill me by the time I got home. It felt like I was walking on rocks. I switched my shoes to sneakers for the AFO. That seemed to help my Achilles so it wasn’t rubbing against the lump so much. I was glad it helped. I was still in pain but walking was better and I wasn’t putting so much weight on my bad foot to stop the Achilles pain on my right.

My mother didn’t make anything special for dinner so I am on my own. I might order Chinese food once my foot calms down some. I thought about getting some while I was waiting for the bus as there is a Chinese restaurant around the corner from the bus depot but I didn’t have cash on me and I didn’t know if they took debit cards. I don’t go to that place often.

Now that I am home, I just want to sleep and not wake up. The bottom of my bad foot hurts so bad that I really don’t want to move but my bladder is telling me I need to use the bathroom soon. I wish there was a half bath where the bedrooms are. It would make life so much easier. I really need a shower as it was warm today and I just sweat a lot. It was stuffy in my room when I woke up early this morning so I turned the AC on. It’s cool in my room now so I don’t have to turn it on again. I love having it in my window and needing it when I need it. Today is the first really warm day in a while. I hope the weekend is warm. Sunday, I made plans to see my aunt with my sisters. I am looking forward to it.