Tag: suicidality

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

Fucking Ankle

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Fucking ankle

I left the house today so that I could give my AC a rest from working. I finished the Adler chapter and then decided to write for a bit before catching the next bus home. Before going to the bus stop, I stopped at the meat market to get hamburgers for dinner. Everything was fine until about three stores down from the meat market. My ankle seized up and I couldn’t move it and it hurt like hell. I pretty much dragged it to the bus stop and waited for the bus. I was in such agony. I don’t understand how this could have happened as I haven’t done anything in three fucking days. The meat market wasn’t that far out of my way. It was just maybe half block away from Starbucks.

I made it home, almost in tears. It took forever for me to get up the stairs. I immediately took my pain meds soon as I got in my room before undressing and changing into my PJs. The damn coffee I drank affected my bowels soon after I tried to settle in so I had to go back down the stairs to go to the bathroom. It was torture going back up to my room. I had to stop a few times because I just couldn’t bear any weight on my foot. This is the worst it has been in a while. I had woke up in pain but thought I could work my way through it. Next time I will just stay home.

My mother cooked the hamburgers and I found that my middle sister was over the house. She was making herself a grilled cheese. We were all talking and stuff while I was in pain. The burgers were good. It was the only thing I had to eat all day. Then my sister said that she wanted to move into my office. I got pissed off. The only way she is moving into MY OFFICE is over my dead body. She will be abandoning her two kids so she could live at home. Fuck that. I am not going to be around for that shitshow. And who the hell does she think she is thinking she can just move MY STUFF so she can have a place to sleep? The nerve.

The pain meds made me kind of nauseous but now I have a migraine. Guess the meds didn’t make me sick to my stomach more than my idiotic sister did. I have to get up and get some migraine pills but I can barely stand. FUCK. I texted my therapist and told her I give her my word that if my sister does clear off my office, I will kill myself. I have never been so damn serious in my life about this. Sure, in a few weeks it won’t really matter because I will kill myself anyways but until then I still have a chance of reconsidering. Not so with this bullshit. Just put a nail in my coffin why don’t ya.

If Depression Kills and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

If Depression Kills…

http://www.huffingtonpost.co.uk/entry/robin-williams-death-remembered-in-poignant-note-on-mistakes-people-make-about-mental-health_uk_57ac765ee4b08ab70dc173d1

I came across this article on Twitter as it’s the anniversary death of Robin Williams. There is also another article that is written by a friend of mine, also in the HuffPost, but I am unable to retrieve it at this time.

I posed the question that if depression kills, and I have depression and it kills me, would anyone care? I was expecting a response on Twitter but didn’t get any. On my Facebook page, I got lots of responses. One of them was from a dear friend of mine and he said that he would be devastated. I wanted to write to him and tell him that I was sorry and that eventually it will kill me. It’s only a matter of time.

I wrote to my psychiatrist. I wanted to tell her that the voices were telling me to off myself again but I didn’t want to worry her so I didn’t say that. I just needed a refill on my meds as I am running low and will be out if it’s not refilled soon. It would be dangerous for me to be without my meds, particularly my antipsychotic. I hope she calls it in soon. I had to take another trilafon because the voices are just so out of control tonight. I don’t know if that makes 2 or 3 doses that I have taken tonight. I usually put it in my app when I take the pill but I didn’t do that today. I am not a good paperwork keeper.

I was getting ready to sleep when a thunderstorm passed through. My spine immediately seized up on me. It felt like someone was twisting my lumbar vertebraes. I had to sit up because it was so uncomfortable. Now my ankle is screaming at me but I just took my pain meds so it’s just a waiting game to see when it will quiet down the screaming. I think my ankle is upset because I took a shower. It wasn’t a long shower. I timed it by listening to music and it was less than three songs, though I did end up having to clean the shower afterwards because my dirty feet made the shower floor dirty. It was driving my mother crazy. I cleaned it as best I could but couldn’t get all the dirt off the floor, even with the cleaner. Oh well.

I got hungry around 2030 so I made a tuna sandwich. Now my stomach is angry with me. I can’t win tonight. I just hope I don’t throw up. I really want to have something sweet, like Oreos, but am thinking it isn’t a good idea with my stomach being upset right now. I really want to go to sleep but I am overtired. I hate when I get like this.

Frustrated and worthless

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. We talked about my suicidality and the whole burden of being in pain every single day. I told her I just feel frustrated and worthless. I also told her that the voices have been telling me to die. That lead to a conversation about how much trilafon am I taking and I told her I was rationing it because I will run out if I take more than two a day, least until my psychiatrist is back from vacation. She nearly had a stroke when I told her. I don’t really care. I told her she should just dump me and she said no. She wanted my assurance that I wouldn’t kill myself while she was away and I said “yea”. That was all I could muster.

The session took a lot out of me. I pretty much just took my pain meds and slept the rest of the afternoon. Seems to be my new normal now. It was raining fairly heavily for most of the day so I didn’t venture out. My ankle was killing me anyways. I just gave up and let the pain meds take me to Morpheus. I had a dream about my father. We were at the hospital and then he disappeared on me. When I found him, he was sitting next to my mother. Odd. I don’t remember her being at the hospital but anyways, I found him. I was really late for my appointment because of him going missing on me. Then he had to go to the bathroom so I took him. Then I woke up. This has to be the third or fourth dream I have had of my father since he died.

I still am feeling suicidal and my therapist brought up that I should probably go to the hospital if the voices are out of control. She didn’t get that I don’t fucking care anymore. I just want to die and have this so called life over with. I didn’t tell her my plans, though I stupidly admitted I had one. I am glad she is on vacation for the next two weeks. She does want me to write to her in some form while she is gone. Maybe send her a blog or two to read when she comes back. Yea, she will not read it so I am not going to send it. While I was cleaning out my “junk” hamper, I found a notebook that said “Bozo letters” and the date. I might write in that and then when I see her the end of the month, give it to her. I forgot I started it three years ago. I think the intention was to write in the notebook and then mail it to her as I wasn’t seeing her in person at the time. How I would get the notebook back, I never quite worked out.

Sometime this week I need to change my sheets again. And again I have a pile of shit on the corner of my bed. I don’t know how stuff accumulates there. It’s not office stuff. That stuff is near me at all times. It’s just a pile of prescription receipts that need to be shredded and other pieces of mail.

The PT place called this afternoon to remind me I have the appointment on Friday. I had every intention of calling back and canceling but my sleep overtook the afternoon. Now it’s too late and I need to call tomorrow morning. I just hope I am up in the morning. My track record for being up before 10 or 11 hasn’t been good lately. I didn’t even make coffee today, I was so tired. I didn’t go to sleep till around 0400. I just couldn’t sleep last night. Pain was just too bad.