Tag: suicide ideation

crying because of despair

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Crying because of despair

My ankle flared up earlier. Then my foot got cold. I was in a rotten mood because I couldn’t get food and because I am in pain. So I was sulking. But I had to take care of my frozen feet before they became more troublesome. I grabbed the thermal socks with grabber thingy and put my sock on my right foot first. Then I just casually hit my ankle with my knee to put the sock on the damaged fucking foot and holy fucking pain. I couldn’t believe I did something so damn stupid. I want to kill myself right then and there because there was no surviving this pain, not tonight, not any night. I just sat there stunned and it was the final blow to my moral.

I started crying. I just couldn’t help myself. I thought about calling my psychiatrist but I had already seen her and I didn’t want to bother her between sobs. I wasn’t in the mood for talking anyways. I was in the mood for death to strangle me and take me out of my damn misery. That didn’t happen. I am proof of this because I am writing this blog. I posted to Facebook I was crying and one of my friends was like so cry you’ll smile later. FUCK YOU. Smile? Really? That is a joke when you are suicidal right? Just snap out of it and you will. PLEASE. If it only worked that way, psychiatry would be out of business.

After a small while, my sister called me. She needed feminine products for her daughter. She didn’t catch the emotion in my voice and I was grateful for that. So I bundle wrapped a few and threw them down the stairs. My right ankle protested more than my left. WHAT THE FUCK. Now both ankles are hurting me. Score for me. Glad I told my psychiatrist I was safe to be home because oh yeah, I was going to kill myself today. Meanwhile I am thinking of ways of killing myself. I am overwhelmed with emotion, despair, fucking out of my mind. I take an Ativan because what else was I going to do. There isn’t a tree I can hang from. Besides, there would be a shit storm of snow to get by to reach the damn tree. And more snow is coming this weekend. Lovely.

I emailed my psychiatrist that I wasn’t going into the hospital Monday because it was going to snow Sunday and I wasn’t walking in the mess that I walked through today. It’s a miracle I didn’t twist an ankle. So Tuesday I will be admitted before my next meltdown really has me doing something I might regret. My only sadness is that I won’t have pain control like I have at home. I won’t have my strong pain pill to take while inpatient. I will have to make sure they give me my fucking regular pain pills on a schedule as a standing fucking dose because I will scream bloody murder if I miss a dose. And it better be two fucking pills, not one, two. Otherwise, I will fucking manage my way out of the hospital and kill myself by running in front of a bus or train or something. A semi might do too but they are infrequent around here.

My psych sent a response that it was okay with her for me to go in. She is also sorry she didn’t try my cake as she left it in the office. She said she will get it tomorrow so I hope to hear her review then. If my damn ankles weren’t hurting me, I would have a slice myself. It might help my mood. But unless my bladder is ready to explode or the house is on fire, I am not leaving my bed.

freezing out but my room is a sauna

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Freezing out but my room is a sauna

It’s 10 degrees out or there abouts. I had to turn down the heat because my room is so damn hot. I can’t stand the heat. I am grateful for it but I rather be cold. It is what I grew up with as my room didn’t have a radiator. I had to have multiple blankets on me to keep warm during the winter. I didn’t mind. I liked it.

I can’t sleep mostly because of pain. I had a study interview today about chronic pain. It went well, though we went over the time by a half hour. I didn’t mind. It was good talking to someone about my pain. They wanted to know more about my use of social media and how I talk about my pain and so I told her. It was a good interview. I hope they learn what ever it is they are trying to learn.

I am really tired but I just can’t sleep because of the heat and pain. My foot is killing me. I had to have something to eat so I went downstairs. That aggravated my foot. Then I went back up the stairs which didn’t help matters. I took another pain pill hoping to speed up the other two that I took. Lately, the regular pain meds are having no effect on me as they don’t make me sleepy anymore. It still works for my pain but it seems that it takes longer to do so. I am worried now that I am tolerant to the meds and need to find something else.

I went to bed around midnight and it’s still hot in my room, despite lowering the heat. I didn’t lower it too much, just one degree. I fell asleep and just woke up now, 6 hours later. That must be the latest I have slept in a while. I am not going to go back to sleep because I need to leave the house around 0850. I might take a shower, though I am really not wanting to. It’s going to be freezing in the bathroom as there is no heat so I will take it tomorrow when the temps are below 20 degrees. It’s 12 degrees right now. I still haven’t decided if I am going to wear my long johns or not with my jeans or sweat pants. I haven’t decided what I am going to wear. These decisions are always hard for me.

I might make a cup of tea just so that I have a little caffeine on board. Think Earl Grey would be nice. I haven’t had that in a while. I still have to pack my bag for the hospital. I have decided to use my suitcase so I need to transfer every thing from my backpack to it. Then I need to stuff my blanket in. I think I will put the blanket in first and then put the clothes on top of that. I might be snowing on Monday so I think a suitcase would be better for my travels than my backpack and bag. I still will take a backpack for my journal and coloring books. That might kill some time while I am there and don’t want to go to group or something.

Today would have been the day I would try to kill myself. I feel defeated that my plan didn’t work out and that it would just make me sick rather than kill me. I hated when I have botched plans. It really sucks. I just feel like a loser. Now I got to figure out another way to die and hope I succeed.

I have thought about getting a haircut but I am getting low on funds and it’s going to be two weeks before I get paid again. I still need to pay for my prescription that I will be picking up today. And I need a refill on my Neurontin as I am running low. I need to email my neurologist to get that script because my PCP’s office won’t prescribe it to me. Ridiculous. I hope she will allow me to take 1200 mg at night as I have been taking that to help with the burning pain. It seems to work at least 24 hours so I have good coverage. Some nights I don’t need to take it because it’s not every night that I have the pain.

As I prepare for my hospital admission, I got to take my meds with me because I don’t want to take a million pills. I also need to fill out my medication list and how I take my meds because I don’t want there to be a hassle with my pain meds. I really wish the doc wrote that I take 2 tabs every 6 hours rather than 1 tab every 4. 1 tab doesn’t do shit for me. We’ll see how the docs at the hospital decide to write the order. They all have the same computer system now so it’s going to be difficult to get my meds the way I take them. It’s so frustrating. I’ll also have to prepare for taking my psych meds differently than what I take them at home. Man this is going to be so annoying. I am going to be a zombie in the morning and a night owl at night. Not looking forward to this at all. I am going to ask my psych today when I see her if I really need to go in or not. I know I am still feeling suicidal and the hospital will be a respite from my urges, but I just hate the medication piece of the puzzle. It always gets fucked up. And it’s frustrating to fix because I usually have to wait 24 hours for the changes to occur. Annoying!!

What if

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

What if

What if I were to say that I was suicidal? Would you be aghast, fearful, judgmental, concerned? Would you try and help me sort through what ever was going through my mind? Or would you tell me things like snap out of it, keep your chin up, things get better, least you don’t have cancer, or the many rhetorics that are said to keep mental illness at bay because it’s too shameful to see in another person. Would you think that I have lost my nut, that I am crazy for thinking such a thing?

These are the things I ponder as I go through my daily chronic pain ritual. It’s not fun and suicidal thinking is a part of my thinking process because I don’t want to live in agony every day. I think those that have suffered from chronic pain every day knows what I am talking about but they may think of suicide in passing because they have loved ones they think about and how the deed will affect them. Or they may have an animal that they don’t want to suffer because of their loss.

Suicide is not something to be ashamed of or to be scared of. Everyone has at one time thought of ending their life for one reason or another. Some may have even gone ahead and planned or attempted it.

I bring this up not to bring worry to my friends and family, but for you to think about it the next time you post the “someone is always listening” post with the suicide hotline number. These post mean an awful lot to me because they would not be posted even five years ago. For those thinking about suicide, you are not crazy and you are not alone. There is help out there. All you need to do is reach out to find that sympathetic ear. If you to get the stupid rhetoric, seek someone else’s ear. Keep reaching out until you find someone who cares.

grumpy mood and irritable

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Grumpy mood and irritable

I woke up late and barely had time to catch the bus for my psych appointment. I was not happy that I slept so late. That started my day off to a bad start. Then after I finished putting my brace on, I realized I forgot my jacket in my office. I had to go up the stairs to get it. While going down the stairs to leave the house, my ankle freaks out. That put me in a better mood. NOT. I took a pain pill before leaving my room so I couldn’t take another pill until later.

I was hoping to get coffee before my appointment. Everything annoyed me today. There were four fucking strollers on the bus. Two Arabic women speaking their language, one at one end of the bus, the other at the other end. I just wanted them to shut the fuck up. There was no reason for them to be shouting. Whatever it is, it could wait till they were off the damn bus. Then one of the kids started crying. I just wanted off the damned bus. I got my coffee and my favorite person at Starbucks didn’t charge me for my espresso. I was happy. It was the only good thing that happened today.

I met with my psych. She was concerned about me, not like I haven’t given her reason to be. I told her my plan was off the table unless I found another lethal method. She wanted to discuss things if I did find one. I said ok. We talked about the new therapist that I could be seeing. I will call her on Monday to see how it goes. I hope she is taking new clients. I will be really sad if she isn’t taking them. Then we talked about my therapist that I will be ending soon. I told her I was putting an end to it as my therapist won’t. And I won’t have the stupid termination sessions that she wants. That just makes it harder. Fuck her anyways for not setting up a therapist for me before she decided to make things monthly. I am still pissed off at her for doing this so now Wednesday will be our final session, I don’t fucking care. She is not talking me into another one no matter how much she begs.

My psychiatrist wants to see me next week. I told her I would probably go into the hospital the following Monday. I just feel so defeated that I can’t kill myself. I am such an idiot. We talked about books that I have been reading. I might take a Neil Gaiman book in the hospital with me. I still have a bag that is packed. Now I just have to have some excuse for my family when I go in.

My ankle is really sore and I don’t think my regular pain meds are going to work. I might have to take the strong pain pill. I wanted to shower today but it’s not in the cards. I also wanted to take my nieces out for dinner Sunday. Those plans are tentative right now. Course, the way I feel right now, I just want to nix the whole idea and make it some other time. I really don’t want to be away from my bed with my ankle hurting me the way it is right now. I am in a terrible mood and really just want to fucking die. Sometimes I wish just by wishing it, it could come true. Takes the whole suicide thing to a new level.

I really am tired of being in pain all the fucking time. Being in this much pain this early in the day is not a good thing. I am basically stuck on my bed. I hope I don’t have to use the bathroom because that will just increase my pain as I need to go up and down stairs. I really hate what my life has become. Maybe if I save enough money I can hire someone to kill me.