Tag: therapist

Random Saturday Blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random Saturday Blog

I had a fairly decent sleep, but I still woke up in pain. It’s getting worse as I am moving around. I haven’t done much except make coffee and have something to eat. But then, I don’t need to do anything for it to flare. That is the unpredictability of pain syndromes. It was snowing when I got up this morning but it seemed to have stopped. If it’s raining like the forecast had said, I can’t tell. I just know I am hurting and all I can do is pop a pill to make it go away.

I wanted to change my sheets today but after I had my coffee, my gas ran out. I feel so unmotivated right now that all I want to do is sleep. I really didn’t want to be taking pain meds around the clock today. I wanted to go out for a burrito but the snow is not making that happen. I will go out tomorrow when it’s warmer. I need to get multigrain bread and more pumpkin. I have one can left but I want to have at least two or three so I can make my cake whenever I want. I also want to try to make pumpkin muffins if I can find a good recipe. My cupcakes don’t come out right.

I really need to clear off my bed. Maybe I will focus on that today. Just do one thing and it will be a sense of accomplishment. My sister wants me to babysit tonight, if she goes out. She plans on going south of Boston. The snow is heavier there than where we are. I hope she decides not to go.

I’ve been thinking on and off about my therapist. I still don’t know what I am going to do. It’s just so damn hard to think about these things. I have no idea where to begin. I might call the intake again at the hospital where my psychiatrist works and see if I can get a therapist there. But not right now. I need some time to get over my current therapist before I start seeing someone new. I really don’t want to go into downtown Boston weekly but if I have to, I guess I will. Least it will get me out of the house. And there is a Starbucks at the corner so I will be able to have my coffee before therapy, if it’s at the same place where the CBT therapist was at. I still want to go there to take pictures of the new Government Center T stop. And go to the Irish restaurant across the street for their yummy Asgard burger and fries.

The thought of having a therapist not be collaborative and go through the process of “interviewing” them instead of them interviewing me is daunting. I went through it once when I had good insurance. I don’t think I can go through it again with the insurance I have now. And with me getting paid just once a month, I am not sure I can pay copays weekly. It’s just stressing me out. And that is the last thing I need right now.

bad day in therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad day of Therapy

After almost sixteen years of working together, my therapist and I are coming to the conclusion of our work. I cried through most of the session. She still wanted to give me some names of therapists that were close by but I think I am done with therapy. I will just see my psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. I don’t care. I can’t go back to a new therapist because I just don’t want to deal with someone new.

I cried some more after therapy. Sobbed is more like it. I soaked my pillow. I didn’t go out today. If my mother didn’t cook dinner, I probably wouldn’t have eaten either. I might have some cake later. Maybe the chocolate chips and pumpkin will cheer me up some. I never called the dentist to get the hole in my tooth fixed. I will try tomorrow.

The reason that we can’t work together anymore is still unclear to me but I am not going to press the issue. Obviously, my transference blog “opened her eyes” and she doesn’t think I am right for her anymore. If I see any new therapist, I won’t be sharing my blog with them.

I’m having trouble writing today. My heart is broken and I don’t think it will recover. 16 fucking years. We are taking a break. We don’t go back to seeing one another until after the new year. Ironically, it’s the day after our anniversary date.

just don’t have spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.

Finally, a good session with my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Finally a good session with my therapist

I woke up in pain and that set me off in a bad mood. I didn’t want to have therapy because I was dopey from the pain meds and I knew she would annoy me. Sure enough, within the first five minutes she was already on my bad side. I told her I was still waiting to hear back from my psychiatrist regarding the bed. I had emailed her this morning telling her I was feeling shitty because I woke up in pain.

I didn’t play the question game with her because I was just annoyed and angry. I don’t know where the anger was coming from, probably because I wanted to go to Harvard Square and I couldn’t because of the fucking pain. Instead we talked about my PTSD, which she was lively about because it’s her favorite subject. I told her my insights as to why I get anxious and we talked about that. It felt good to be understood finally about my being in pain and how it makes me feel useless and out of control at times because it’s never predictable. I am always on edge and she understood that.

After therapy, I took some more pain meds. I am somewhat pain free right now but I am very tired. My mother is making chicken cacciatore and it smells so awesome. I can’t wait to eat it. My mother is going to call me soon as it’s done. Chicken cacciatore is one of my favorite dishes that my mother makes.

I got no sympathy from my mother, surprise surprise, that I was house bound today. She thought I wanted to get another burrito but I really wanted my espresso and to get a new calendar. She said I could make coffee at home but I didn’t feel like making it today. I finished off my cranberry muffins. That has been the only thing that I have eaten so far today. I think I will make some boiled eggs. I am really hungry.

Before therapy, I took some Neurontin because I was feeling nerve pain on and off. I didn’t take that much, just enough to cover me until tonight when I can take more. It’s really making me drowsy. I think I will sleep before making something to eat.