Tag: therapist

ramblings 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.

My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.

I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.

Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.

Another cold depressing day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, suicide, writing

It’s a very cold New England day. I didn’t want to venture out because it was bitter cold. I bought the best of Laura Branigan because I had to listen to Ti Amo and Gloria. I was looking for the Italian version she made but no such luck.
I haven’t done anything but shave and shower. I also brushed my teeth. That is one of my resolutions: to brush my teeth at least once a day. Yesterday I didn’t do too good at it though I had enough opportunities. I just was feeling really yucky yesterday like I am today.
Seems the newsletter that I am working on will be on board sometime next week. I am kind of excited but the depression is making me feel like so what. I know this is a big thing but it’s hard to get excited when you feel so exhausted and down because of the depression.
I am supposed to write a review for a book I read. I am kind of nervous about it because I never wrote a review before and right now in this frame of mind, I don’t think it will be good to write anything. It will just be depressing and that is not what the book is about.
I still have not made any decision about when to tell my family about being called “Mike”. It’s funny because those at the newsletter still call me by my initials of my first and last name. I don’t know what to be called. I guess this is what a true identity crisis is like. For this newsletter I want to be called anonymous and so I am, just like this blog. I doubt my family reads this even though I post it on my real Facebook page. I also post it on my twitter account. I started a midnightdemons twitter account but I like my twitter account better as I have had it for so long.
I texted my therapist that I canceled my appt for Monday. We’ll see if she respects it or not. I should call and cancel as that would be more meaningful but I think 4 days time of canceling is better than a phone call. I am supposed to give 24 hr notice and 3 days is more than that!
I just don’t want help anymore. I know I need it but what is it doing for me? Nothing. I talk to a person that sometimes talks more than I do for crying out loud. I have tried to get her to shut up but most of the time I what she says makes sense but I still feel like I should be talking some of the time during my session. I have tried getting a new therapist but that failed disastrously. Tried ten therapists and they all bailed on me because of my history of suicidality. So now I am stuck with a person who is thirty miles away from me and I have to have phone sessions with. Not that I mind. But I wish we could have a real session once in a while. Maybe Tuesday I will get up early to take my sister’s car so I can have it for the day.

transitioning is harder than it seems

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, mental illness, mood disorders, transgender

I did nothing today. Today is supposed to be my writing day off but I can’t stop writing what is in my head. Last night was hard for me on so many levels. My suicidality came back and it stayed with me for a good while. I wanted to hang myself off the back porch, while my sister was having a party down stairs. My biggest fear was that I would be caught in time and I would survive. I didn’t want that to happen as it would be mad embarrassing. But I imagined what it would be like. I didn’t prepare or anything, just thought and fantasized about it. It helps to calm me down when I fantasize about killing myself. It is not the best mechanism of coping but hell it works better than the other bullshit.
I didn’t want to kill myself because of the new year. I wanted to kill myself because I don’t think I can stand being who I am anymore. I don’t even know who I am anymore. I have changed my name a few times over the years to get used to being called something other than my birth name in transitioning toward being male. Can’t be any more male than Mike right? But people don’t see it as a big deal. Maybe they think that it is easy. I don’t know. I have never done this before. I just want to feel the way I feel inside and project it on the outside. I guess the incident that triggered this was that this was the last birthday that I would be called by my birth name(BN). I just wasn’t ready for it. For months I have been using my BN at Starbucks and other places. Yesterday I decided to use Alex and the idiot that took my order wrote “Alice”, nice but I am NOT a fucking female you nitwit!! That is what I want to scream to the world. I am NOT A FUCKING FEMALE!! I am not a HER I am a HIM!!!! But people just don’t get it. They see breasts and the will always think her. They don’t see breasts they see him. It is how this world is cracked up to be.
I so need to talk to my therapist this week. I am having a wicked hard time with this. I think my very life depends on it. But if I were to seek help, I don’t think a hospital will help. Seeing as I have not transitioned, they will just place me in a woman’s room or ward. How demoralizing is that. Because biologically I am female I get put into that category. I hate categories.

a four letter word

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

Been having on and off bouts of depression and self worthlessness today. I don’t know why I feel like crap. I realized it’s been a week since I have taken my day time med. I have been suffering from a cold all week and am just starting to feel better except for this cough that won’t go away despite me taking loads of vitamin D. I am convinced that increased vit D will tail off a viral infection such as a cold. When I get better I will go back to taking it every day.

My therapist and pdoc are on vacation at the same time. It’s been a rough week you could say. I keep thinking about why am i alive. According to what I read, I should be dead 10 years ago yet I have not made a single attempt on my life in that span of time, well with the minor exception of a month ago when I was in severe physical pain. I don’t feel like I should live. I just want to scream and I don’t know why I am so frustrated. But I am. I want to be dead and yet these people who don’t even know me want me to live, for me to talk of my struggles like it was some kind of game. I feel exploited and some of that is my fault for having this blog and trying to reach other people who feel the same way. I just feel so burdened with this. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere but in the misfit group.

Tonight my writing partner sent me a link on her study that she is working on. She is almost done with it, just a few more pages to go for analysis and she is done. The work is interesting and the fact that a computer can distinguish between non suicidal and suicidal individuals is impressive. Shneidman would be proud, though given his proclivity to new age technology, he might be daunted. He spent his life going over suicide notes and now a computer can tell him what he always wanted to know. I find this depressing. I wonder if the computer could tell me if I am suicidal.

There has been a lot of studies of analyzing handwriting to find out if someone is suicidal. The key in my mind is a four letter word, only. That word to me is whether the person is truly suicidal or not. As in, it is my only option. I wonder if I were to talk to Dr. Shneidman today what he would say. But I have missed my chance. I am a low life that is trying for affiliation and failing at it.

Feeling low and insecure, really am feeling like I could slash my wrist. I hate being stuck in this body. Trigger tonight was people calling me by my birth name. I couldn’t stand it. I want to cut so bad. I hate myself. I want to stab myself over and over to get the badness out of me. I hate feeling like this, like a damn freak.
Shneidman’s work has been replaced by computers. He must be rolling over in his grave the poor man. And I feel disconnected, like I’m somebody but I am not. I hate feeling like a loser. I hate it when Bozo is on vacation. I never needed her more and I can’t even put into words what I am feeling. I’m just imagining myself wit stab wounds in the kitchen because I’m so pissed at myself. There was an article from 1978, 34 yrs ago about suicide attempts and FTM. 34 years and nothing since then. Maybe I am past my prime. I know my fucking period is what is throwing me off balance as much as I have been trying to ignore it for the past week but I just can’t anymore because I am bleeding a little heavier every day. I know that if I see someone I will most likely have to do the female exam and that will just torture my soul. I just took two vicoden because my foot is in danger of being hacked into. Funny how the narcotics can help with the physical pain but not the psychological. I hate my life. I hate living this way.