Tag: therapy

Disconnect

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Disconnect

I had therapy today and gave my therapist an update on the activities of the weekend. It didn’t help that I was feeling paranoid and the AC was talking to me. I had taken a trilafon before she called but it hadn’t worked yet. Now my MP3 player is being commanding. I feel like I am losing it. I was telling my therapist about how the voices were acting up in November of last year so obviously, the abilify was losing it’s effectiveness then. I think it was holding me from becoming full blown psychotic like I am now. It has been going on for months now. I don’t usually pay attention because I always hear voices. I have two that are prominent. It’s usually when objects talk or the lyrics of songs change that things get worse for me. She thinks the stress of this weekend might have caused me to go overboard.

I also told her of the dream I had about my psychiatrist that I had this morning. In the dream, I was asking to take 8 mg of trilafon and she said she didn’t know me well enough to make that decision. I woke up from the dream like, WTF. I have known my psychiatrist for the past 20 years. If she doesn’t know me by now, she never will. But it was just a dream. I am debating calling her today but I am afraid she will tell me to go to the hospital. But I can’t because my mother’s health is so precarious right now. She can’t be left alone anymore.

I don’t know if going back to the abilify is going to help me or not. Even while I was taking the abilify things were bad. I might have to try something new but I am not sure what is out there that I can try. Most of the newer antipsychotics have risks of diabetes and I am at a higher risk because of my mother. This is why I don’t take olanzapine. I loved that drug. It worked well with the voices and paranoia. Unfortunately, my psychiatrist didn’t like it because it was shown to have a higher risk of diabetes than other antipsychotics so took me off it. I was very sad. I am at a medium dose of abilify so I have some room to increase it. I don’t know if my psych wants to do this. I meet with her on Friday and will bring it up to her. That is if I am not fearful. Last time I was paranoid of her. It was not a good visit.

I was telling my therapist that even though I am writing, I feel disconnected from it. I think with the psychosis being so bad, I just don’t feel emotions like I used to. Things are either one extreme or the other or not at all. I feel numb most of the time. I don’t know why this is. There just is this disconnect. Even while things were going on with my mother, I didn’t feel much of anything. I knew what to do and stuff but I really wasn’t at all concerned about my mother that much. I didn’t feel high off adrenaline or anything. I just did what needed to be done. I knew she was in good hands but at the same time, it felt like I was feeling nothing at all. I know the voices were extremely loud as they wanted to know what was going on. But it wasn’t like I could talk with them with a crowd full of emergency personnel. I would have been taken away.

Today is really muggy and the next two days are going to be worse. I have the AC off right now because it was talking to me but my room is starting to get warm again. I am still feeling paranoid despite being alone in my room. The only other person home is my mother. But the voices are really loud today. While I was reading, the reading voice was so loud I could barely understand what I was reading. Probably why I was dreaming of taking 8 mg of trilafon. I should be able to take another dose in an hour or two. I really am tempted to take at least a 5 mg dose of abilify to see if does anything. Probably won’t because I am so out of whack.

My writing friend has come back into my inbox. She needs someone to be accountable to and so emails me after she has written a page or two. I haven’t responded yet because I am not sure what to say. I am not thinking too clearly at the moment to say anything back.

I made some progress with the Harry Potter book that I am reading. I now have 15 chapters to go. If I read at least 2 chapters a day for the next week, I should finish it. It has been on my reading list since February.

rough therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough therapy session

I had a rough therapy session where all we did was talk about my suicidal feelings and the blog that I wrote yesterday. I also told her about getting a call from my psychiatrist. She doesn’t want me emailing her about my psychosis and I am to page her from now on. My therapist wanted me in the hospital but I don’t want to go. I really just want to die and be left alone to do it. We talked about that. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I seriously don’t want to get doped up. I have been taking the trilafon as needed. I will page my doc tomorrow to get more as I only have four left. It’s not going to enough to get me through the weekend.

My therapist also wants me to toss the means I have or to give it to someone I trust. I don’t trust anyone so that will leave the dumping to me. She wants me to text her when I have done it. I am struggling with this big time because this screws up my plan. I may never have an opportunity like this again. And I will kick myself for getting rid of these means. It doesn’t mean I won’t have other means available, but what I have is considerably less lethal. I am also scared that if I go to the hospital with them knowing or me telling them the voices are telling me take all my pills, it might cause problems with my pain medication like it has in the past. Granted my PCP isn’t around anymore and I am being followed by a nurse practitioner, but still, the threat is there. I would seriously hate to have my pills restricted because of some idiot thinking I will OD on them, when I know what will kill me and what won’t. If I want to really fuck up my liver, I just need a bottle of 500 count Tylenol, handy at any pharmacy or store that sells drugs. That is more lethal than what I have in my stocks. Plus it will wreck your liver more than kills you in the process so I don’t want that.

We did some Crisis Response planning. I don’t think I will do anything other than possibly page my psychiatrist. My therapist said she is going away and she doesn’t have coverage so it’s either the psych or the ER as my options. And this is a holiday weekend so it would not be good to get admitted.

I need to somehow take a shower today. I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help with the itchy scalp. It was expensive but my rewards at Walgreens paid off so it only came to be around a buck. Now I got to start rebuilding my points. I still feel out of sorts today. I just took a trilafon to quiet the noise a little bit so I could possibly read. It’s been awfully noisy in my head the past few days that I can’t read. I have a stack of books that are waiting to be read and I can’t get through the ones I have started. I found out today that my favorite author Neil Gaiman is coming out with a new book in February. It’s about mythology. It sound very interesting. He is the only author I know that produces at least two books a year. I wish I could write like that. But then, I am not the creative genius he is. I got my AP Stylebook today. I have been waiting forever for it to see what it is like and stuff but today I don’t have the energy to thumb through it.

I really don’t have the energy to do anything today. I just want to die. I hope my heart stops beating. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like crap, like my soul has been sucked out of me. I still feel like I can go ahead with my plan tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. But I made a promise and I always stick to my promises.

Struggles in Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I had therapy today. It went on time until 10 minutes in my bowels decided to try and explode. I had to tell her that I would call her back in a few minutes. Lousy timing. The joys of CES. I did what I had to do and then called her back. I apologized. We talked about various things. She wanted to know if I was suicidal and I had to ask myself, was she not listening to me yesterday when I told her? She said she knew I was because of the pain, but wanted to know if I was otherwise? Being suicidal is being suicidal. No matter what the cause is, if you feel like taking your life, you are thinking about it. I just let it go because I didn’t want to deal with her stupidity today. I already dealt with one idiot doctor this weekend, I wasn’t going to deal with another.

I asked her to leave me alone and she started laughing. I should have hung up on her. I really wanted to but she would call back. I don’t know what was annoying me. Maybe the whole almost crapping my pants thing got to me and then finding out I had discharge. I really was like WTF. I just stopped the pill earlier this month so I should NOT be having any type of bleeding. That, with the stupid dream I had about her, just really fucked with my brain. I dreamt that we were in session and we were talking about breasts. I have no idea how the subject came up. I really hate mine and really want them chopped off. But then, I am a male so I shouldn’t have them to begin with. In the dream, I had to go pee really bad. I couldn’t wait for the session to end so I could go. Funny how the dream came true, partly.

My therapist likes to play mother hen sometimes. She gets on my nerves when she does this because I am not used to people caring about me. She was freaking out about the trilafon supply that I have. I have 5 pills left or so and I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I think that is plenty as I don’t take it that often. I have been taking it every few days. And I don’t take more than one pill per day. She also worried that I would run out of my strong pain pills. That I might call in for a prescription because I am almost out and I am in the midst of a flare up. I thought I had more than I did but I don’t. She was really freaking out on me and I was like WTF. I think she had too much coffee today or something. I really am thinking she has an anxiety disorder of some kind. I wish I could know some of her patients because it would be interesting to see if she act that way with other patients or just me.

I know the voices are getting out of control. I didn’t tell her this because she was already out in left field and nervous. Besides, they were listening in on our conversation so it wasn’t like I could talk. She asked if I was paranoid and I told her I haven’t been around people too much. I went out today and was a little nervous. I think that was only because the bus driver was a little heavy on the gas with a wheelchair passenger. I get nervous that they are going to go flying with a sudden stop. I listened to my music the whole time I was out. Starbucks had these French cookies that were out of this world. It was a type of shortbread with dark chocolate in the center. HEAVEN! I hope they don’t run out. If I go out tomorrow, I will get them again.

Other than having therapy tomorrow, I am not planning on going out. I didn’t get my hamburger that I wanted to get. I might try for Thursday. I hope the avocados don’t go bad. They are in a sealed plastic container so I think they should stay good.

I got T/Gel shampoo for my stupid itchy scalp. I have tried the other shampoos and nothing is helping. And I don’t have that much hair so I know it’s not because of dirty hair. I am going to take a shower tonight if I can bear it. My ankle didn’t like going out today. I had to break out the cane half way through my trip. I am glad I had it because it really was painful. As I was walking home, I saw fire trucks and an ambulance. I was fearful that they were for my mother. But there was a 3 car accident on my street. One car was pretty banged up and was leaking stuff. I hope the drivers and passengers are okay.

Therapy, Bags, and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

For the first time in four years, I almost slept through my therapy session. I woke up ten minutes late. My therapist called twice and I didn’t hear the phone. I was listening to music and I guess when her ringtone came on it didn’t disturb me enough to wake up. So I had a 40 minutes session, which is better than nothing. She read part of the short story that I sent her the other day. She didn’t finish it but she liked what she read so far.

We talked about my day’s activities and how I was doing. We did talk about the voices but I told her I had taken the trilafon in a text message. I took double because I didn’t want to hear the voices. I have like 6 pills left. When I get down to 2, I will notify my psychiatrist to see if she will refill some more for me.

I have been so tired because I woke up at 0300 and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. Then my mother called while I was dreaming and that always makes me exhausted when I wake up like that. It’s just disturbing and then I am tired the rest of the day.

I took my niece out for a bit and beat the rain. I got pizza and fries for us. We had a good time and then I went back up to my room because it was so hot in her apartment. They didn’t have AC. I think my room is the only room in the whole house that has AC so you know where I am hanging out most of the summer when I am not out.

I ordered another book. This book I found in the Facebook group, “history of Boston”. It’s called “White Trash” and is about the class system of America for the last 400 years. I find books like this interesting. I ordered it through a local bookstore so I don’t have to wait for delivery. I will pick it up tomorrow as I don’t feel like going back out today. I forgot to mail my letter for the birth certificate again. I am so mad at myself. So I will do this as well.

I placed another Amazon order because I am an addict. But seriously, I needed to get my allergy pills because I am running low. I also got the DVD “Liar Liar”. I love that movie. It’s one of my favorite Jim Carey movies. It will give me a laugh when I think about something from the movie, especially the pen is blue scene. He is a brilliant actor. I also bought another bag, another addiction I have. Pens and bags are my biggest things that I will spend money on. This one is similar to the Pearl Jam messenger bag I bought back in January. It’s a little smaller and fits my laptop. I hope that if I find a bag that I like that fits my laptop, I will take it with me more and maybe do some writing outside of my room. I found that I have gone away from backpacks and gone toward laptop/messenger bags. As long as it can hold a book or two as well is all I care about because I will need my journal wherever I go. My paranoia about someone stealing my bag or worse my laptop is sometimes so great that I leave the laptop at home. Or someone breaking into my laptop while I am on a network. I don’t store my personal information like my SS number on my laptop but I have visited websites that have that information because they needed it. This isn’t to say my network is secure but I hope that no one breaks through. Mostly what they will get are my blogs. I really don’t have anything else of value to a would be robber of my laptop, though it will suck to get a new one. Only one of the reasons why I leave my laptop at home.