Tag: therapy

Therapy, Chinese Food and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Therapy, Chinese Food, and other things

I had therapy today. I rented a zipcar and went out to see her. It was a good session. We talked more about the voices. I think she was trying to see if I was suicidal as the voices keep telling me to take more of my meds than I should. I don’t feel suicidal, unless it’s subconscious. I wore my necklace today to protect me from the alien parasites. Ever since I was triggered Friday, I wear it outside. My therapist wasn’t curious about it like my psychiatrist was. That was good because then I didn’t have to explain why I was wearing it.

While I was there, I read my discharge summary. It was very funny. On one page they listed my diagnosis correctly. On another page it listed Mood disorder NOS, psychosis NOS as my diagnosis. They weren’t sure if I had a psychotic disorder or an affective disorder. On the final page, the diagnosis changed again. I couldn’t believe it. Most consistently was the diagnosis of PTSD. The other diagnoses they aren’t sure about and this was just ONE hospitalization that lasted about six days. The funny part was that in one sentence they would call me “her” or “she” and the next line would be “he” or “him”. They were all confused. And this was a top notch hospital, too. I think my next hospitalization will be at the local hospital. It will suck big time but at least I will get a consistent diagnosis, hopefully. And despite me telling the top notch hospital that my therapist was a psychologist, all the paperwork given to her stated she was a licenses social worker. But at least they spelled her name right.

I told my therapist that I emailed my psychiatrist but I don’t want to do so all the time because I am afraid she might hospitalize me. I just been sending her updates when I feel up to it. We also discussed going back to the hospital but I know they will just dope me up. I don’t want that. I can do that on an outpatient basis. If my voices get too commandeering, I might have to go in, but only as a last resort. I do have a pesky voice that I really want silenced but it is resistant to meds as even when I was on the abilify, it was loud and obnoxious. It’s been a week since I have been off this med.

When I got home, I was hungry. I didn’t have lunch so I ordered Chinese food. I had to do it on the sly because my mother made supper. When it came, I brought it downstairs to my sister’s apartment. I didn’t have much because I had the pea soup my mother made. I was full off a couple of chicken fingers and scallion pie. I had ordered some rice but I didn’t feel like eating it. I will have it tomorrow, if there is any left over. I am watching my niece most of the day.

In my haste to get the zipcar as I woke up late, I forgot the piece of mail I was going to send out today after the appointment. I will have to mail it out tomorrow. I can take my niece for a walk, if she wants to. I plan on getting pizza for lunch. If she wants to, I will take her with me to Starbucks. I still have to read the psych book that I bought. I have so many books to read it’s not funny. I brought my Kindle out with me today but I didn’t use it. It just stayed in my bag. I really didn’t have time to read anyways. Driving always makes me tired, especially when it’s over a long distance. I just wanted to write and so I did that while having a latte.

My new pen arrived today and I love it. I think it might replace my current pen but the nice thing is that it’s refillable. I might get one for my therapist as I haven’t given her a gift in so long. I wish I could get it engraved for her but it’s not that kind of pen. And it’s not a 0.7 point like it was advertised. It’s a 1.0 like my other pens are. I can’t wait to write with it tonight.

Therapy after the fallout

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, psychosis

Therapy after the fallout

My therapist read my blog. She apologized for being a doofus. I told her she needs to watch her mouth or think before she speaks. She definitely doesn’t have that “therapist filter” most therapists have. I told her I am still listening to the voices and I still don’t completely trust her. I am not taking my meds. I have to call my psych tonight to fill her in. There will be no point in her calling in the refill for trilafon. I won’t take it. The voices are strong and only want me to take what they want me to take. I still have free will though. There are more voices today then there were yesterday. They are annoying me because they keep coming and going.

I had an okay morning. I didn’t appreciate my bowels going haywire. But after the third movement, things seemed to settle down. I feel kind of hyper. I don’t know if it’s the coffee that is still making me fidgety or if I am getting a little hypo. I bought a 128GB flash drive. I have a 64GB drive that is close to being full so needed a bigger one. It was close to being out of stock so I grabbed it before it went out, again. I tried purchasing this particular one before and it went out before I could have the funds to buy it. I wasn’t going to lose it once more. I signed up for Amazon Prime so it will be here in a few days.

My psych got back to me and she is concerned. Voices are having a field day because she wants me to cut back on the dose rather than stop abruptly. Screw that. I have to check in with her tomorrow. So stupid. I am meeting with her Friday. I just hope she doesn’t pull anything stupid like a section. The voices are okay right now and agree with what I am saying. Like Bon Jovi says, she don’t know me. She wanted to know what my therapist said that set me off and I can’t really remember what she said exactly that pissed me off. I just am done with taking meds to stop my companions. Right now there is a circus of them. Missing one dose really set them off. I don’t believe how quickly they came out. But then I have been under a lot of stress trying to keep things together.

I got wicked aggravated a little while ago. I bought a song on my phone and it would transfer to my music library. It just stayed in the Amazon Cloud. I had to manually download it to my computer and then transfer it to my phone. It sucked! I think the Amazon Prime is a rip off for music. I hope it doesn’t do the same with Kindle books. I will be so pissed.

I forgot to tell my psych I am kind of in a mixed state. I am feeling really hypo and then depressed. I don’t get it. The abilify wouldn’t mess with my mood stability. Though it kind of might. I don’t know. My psych is already worried about the voices so I won’t tell her about the mixed state until Friday when I see her. I did tell my psych that my therapist talked me into talking with her next week. I really didn’t want to talk to her. I still am kind of mad at her. I did get validation from my psych. I knew I would. I wish she wouldn’t be worried about me though. The voices won’t hurt me, least not the ones that are around right now. It’s really the “outsiders” I got to worry about. They can spring up at anytime.

Post 1792

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Post 1792

I had therapy today and it went okay. We didn’t talk about anything we didn’t talk about yesterday. She wanted to know more about my “Purpose” blog, but I changed the subject. I have a knack of throwing her off a subject and only if it’s really pressing to her does she come back to it. She is concerned about my REM sleep as it happens very quickly. I don’t know why I can go to REM within about 35 minutes of sleep but I do. Today, for example, I took a nap at around 1110. By 1140 when I woke up, I had a dream. I don’t remember what the dream was about now but it was again, weird. I kind of wanted to tell her about my dreaming about my father but held back. I will one day, if it become more troublesome. Right now I am ignoring him in my dreams so it’s not like I am doing something or he is.

While I was at Starbucks, I was listening to a Rascal Flatts song about a father that had been estranged from his daughter for like 30 years. He then calls her when he is dying and then they both “forget the past”. It set off flashbacks to the last four days of my father’s life. He just deteriorated that quickly. His breathing had changed Friday and he was dead on Monday. Images kept flooding my brain, mostly of how he looked and had, in his last day, a glassy appearance to his eyes. I’ll never forget the look or the sounds he was making.

I texted my therapist that I was having flashbacks and if it would be okay with her to talk to the grief counselor. I think if I see the counselor, it will free up more time for other things to talk about in therapy. I just feel like all we do in therapy lately is just talk about my father. I know he was a big part of my life and he is gone now but there are other things going on in my life, too. Like managing my time, self-care, and handling my illness. I am seeing an ankle surgeon tomorrow for the boney formation that is near my Achilles. It is kind of freaking me out because I think I will have to have surgery to remove it. I know I will have to have an MRI before anything is done. But I am just worried that the stress of surgery and what it will do to my “bad” ankle if I have to put weight on it because I don’t think I can bear weight on my “good” one. It’s going to be tricky. I will weigh the benefits and stuff. But I just don’t want to damage the Achilles further, if it is. X-ray doesn’t show soft tissues so I don’t know if this bony formation has. I know she isn’t a medical person but talking to her about this anxiety is what therapy is about.

I know talking about my father is important too. I just think talking to someone specific about grief might be helpful and let me deal with it more. It’s been almost two months and I still haven’t cried or grieved him. Days I don’t have therapy, I just space out. It’s affecting my writing because I am just so sad. I want the sadness to go away and I don’t know how.

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.