Tag: transgender

TG Issues 8

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

TG Issues 8

The past few days my mother has been calling me “miss” or “Missy” to get my attention. I find it totally disrespectful. I am hurt that she calls me these names and she does it in a tone that I find so annoying. I almost said something today but I couldn’t bring myself to do it for fear of WWIII starting. My sisters are not in town so I wouldn’t have their support. It would be tough to talk to her about this without them here. I just am extremely upset about it and don’t know what to do.

I have thought about calling a transline hotline but I am not in crisis. I just want to talk to another TG person who understands what I am going through and might be able to help me. I feel like such a shit for not standing up for myself but this is my mother and I don’t want to hurt her. If it was anyone else, I probably would say something.

I’m feeling really frustrated by this and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t think I will have a therapy session with my therapist tomorrow so the next time we speak won’t be until Tuesday. I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep, which I might do pretty soon. All I have been doing most of the day is sleeping.

I am still having the pain around my waist. I don’t know what is causing it at this point. It’s going away but not at a fast enough pace for me. The rain isn’t helping, either.

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Clean Water in Cleveland, Again

I really didn’t watch or listen to the Sox game but I was keeping tabs on it. I looked at the 2nd inning and it was 1-0. Then I don’t know what the hell happened, I blinked or something, and it was 4-0, Cleveland. I threw my hands in the air. I swore. I cussed out Price so bad. 30 fucking million dollars for nothing. 30 million!! And he can’t fucking pitch worth a damn! And the Sox bats were cold as fucking ice. We were shut out. Final score was 6-0. We have to win Sunday with Clay on the mound. It’s extremely unlikely but I have hope.

I have been eating like a pig since I have some home. I didn’t eat much today. I had a donut with my coffee and then I didn’t have anything else until dinner. After dinner, I had two boiled eggs and some cookie butter. Then I decided to make some pumpkin fluff which is going to be the death of me. It is so fucking awesome. I don’t think it is going to last until Tuesday when I see my therapist. I was going to share it but it might just be mine. My sweet tooth is in high gear and I think I am PMS’g, which isn’t a good thing. I just finished a pack of pills or rather just started a new pack, I forget. I just know I have gone through at least 4 packs and that is usually an indication that I am due for breakthrough bleeding. Oh Joy, just what my suicidality needs.

If the fluff doesn’t last, I will just make a pumpkin cake again. That will last a while. I just need to get more pumpkin. My back is feeling a lot better so I might be able to make it to the grocery store tomorrow to get some more. I hope they aren’t sold out. That will really suck. I just had a stroke of genius…place the fluff on top of the cake. It will be super yummy!! HA! Sweet tooth galore! That is if it survives the weekend…

I had wanted to print off my book tonight but I am not feeling up for it. I hate so much fluff that I am kind of full and sleepy. I just took my meds so I should probably wake up soon. Never fails that my meds wake me up rather than knock me out. I don’t get it because if I take them during the day, I am sleeping all day. Doesn’t make any sense.

I found out today that one of the world’s greatest suicidologists has died. Dr. Terry Maltsberger has passed away. I am glad to have met him at a conference in 2012 in Baltimore. I had him sign a chapter that he wrote in the Aeschi book. I read many things that he had wrote. He was brilliant and had great empathy for suicidal patients. He will be deeply missed.

Random 815

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 815

I wanted to watch a movie tonight so I watched “The American President” with Michael Douglas again. I kind of wish HE was running for president rather than the shit bag Trump. Not that I have anything against Hiliary. I just don’t know if she has enough clout to win the election. It’s going to be scary either way because I have a feeling it’s going to be disastrous either way. There is no way to pacify an angry toddler.

I think I jinxed the baseball game today. A no-hitter was going on and at the time I tweeted, the fucking asshole A’s got a cheap hit on a replay review. It made me so angry. Then, somehow they fricken won the game in the 9th inning. That made me angrier. I couldn’t even announce that they lost the game, I was so mad. I still am mad when I think about it.

Dinner was good. My niece made gluten free brownies and they were so awesome. My brother-in-law’s brother bought a watermelon roll and I had two pieces of that. It was like eating slush. I miss having slush. In my hometown, we had the best slush makers. Lemon was my favorite kind. After dessert, I just went upstairs and watched the rest of the ballgame go to shit.

I did get a migraine and I reluctantly took a triptan for it. My eye felt like it was being impaled with an ice pick so I had to take something other than Excedrin. It helped the music, a lot. It’s now at a mutable level. I guess my psychiatrist knew what she was talking about. I see her on Friday. I hope that I have an appointment with my neurologist by then.

After the movie, I got really hot so I turned on the AC to cool down. It’s like 73 degrees in my room. I like my room cold. It helps me sleep better. I know it’s cool out but my room is my comfort zone. I can’t open the window because the AC is in it. I took my meds kind of late. I hope it doesn’t cause me problems. I have been taking my meds early, between 8-830 pm most nights. Tonight I took it around 930. I am kind of sleepy but I feel awake. Plus I have been sneezing so that is not helping me stay sleepy.

While I was at my sister’s, she was listening to country music, much to my surprise. One of my favorite new songs by Florida Georgia Line came on and she surprised the hell out me by singing along with it! I was like what the hell did you do with my sister. When I questioned her, she said she liked the song. HA! Another convert! I do have to get that song, because I love it too. But I am afraid of going on a buying spree. There are many songs on country radio that I really want but will be seriously broke if I buy them all. I already bought enough songs this month to last me until my next paycheck. I still have to get Blake Shelton’s new CD. He is one of my all time favorite artists. I have most of his CDs. Course the songs that are stuck in my head right now besides Kelsea Bellarini’s Peter Pan are the songs from David Nail’s CD Fighter. I have been listening to it non-stop for the last few days. Can’t help it. The music moves me and apparently, my brain waves. It does have me curious to see if I have a brain aneurysm or tumor or something with these weird migraine activities.

I haven’t shaved my facial hair in more than a month now. It’s getting a little out of hand. I just hate shaving. It comes in on its own due to a pituitary problem that I have. Course, once I start on testosterone, things are likely to get more hairy than they are now. I have followed some TG blogs. One blogger in Australia has had both types of surgery. He just had phalloplasty done. I am not sure if that is something I would want. I know I definitely want a double mastectomy. But I doubt my family is ever going to see me as a man. Part of the reason I want to kill myself is because of this. It will happen some day, just not now.

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

Because I took the senna last night, even though I had loose stool yesterday, I have been going to the bathroom most of the day. And I have been finding that my menses have returned for whatever reason. I am beyond pissed because I stopped the pill earlier this month because of bleeding. It’s the middle of the week so I can’t stop it, again, until Sunday. It’s only minor bleeding but still, it bothers me because it shouldn’t be happening. I am also wondering if this has played a part in me feeling super suicidal yesterday morning. I still feel suicidal but not to the degree I was yesterday. I was even ranting about being suicidal last night on Twitter.

I called my pdoc this afternoon to check in with her. I also needed some more trilafon. So far, it hasn’t been called in. It will be the only reason for me to go back out again today. I had gone to Starbucks for iced coffee, which didn’t help my bowel situation, but I wanted the cold brew coffee. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. I also got my burgers for lunch and dinner.

I told my pdoc that the voices are still kicking around but the trilafon is keeping them from getting worse. I really hope there isn’t a problem with the pharmacy like the last time or I am going to flip out. If anything, I need this medication to help keep me stable. It’s the only medication I am willing to take at this point. If I don’t get it, I will have to go in the hospital and that could get messy, especially with me bleeding. I HATE going into the hospital with feminine products while trying to be transgender. It’s just humiliation. I don’t know how long the bleed is going to last. I am really surprised I got it twice in the same month because I have been careful to try and keep it on schedule, give or take a half hour or so. I think there was one day where I took it really late because I took a nap. Other than that I have been keeping to a time table.

My therapist called. She is trying to see if we can have a session today but it doesn’t look likely, unless someone cancels. I told her flat out I was still suicidal. I don’t know if the hormones are playing a factor but she wants me to consider going to the Boston LGBTQ clinic. I have been hesitant to do so because I am not ready to go forth with my transition. Yesterday I got my birth certificate so at the end of July, I will be changing my name. I think once I get my name changed on every document, I might go with hormone treatment. Until then, it’s just waiting out the damn suicidal periods that come with being something I am not.

Last night or the night before I was reading my blogs. I found out that the voices have been active since January. They are active all the time but for me to make note of them being especially noisy is a cause of concern because a couple days later is when I marked when my depression started. This means the voices have been going on longer than I thought, which is why I am so psychotic and paranoid. Granted the events of what happened in Orlando and Istanbul haven’t helped ease my paranoia but it’s starting to look like I might need a hospitalization sooner rather than later. I just don’t want all the voices to go away because then I will feel lonely and sad. I really don’t feel that messed up. It’s only when they want me to take more pills that things get out of hand. But the trilafon keeps those voices at bay. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I wish I was seeing her tomorrow. I might page her again, if I feel like talking.