Tag: transgender

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling Funny, and not the HAHA kind

I didn’t take the abilify for the second night in a row. The “bad” voices have come out, a little bit. They want me to do things but I am ignoring them. The other voices are just talking incessantly to me. My brain is so warped.

I went out to the liquor store hoping to find a beer that I have been wanting to try and they had it. I was very happy, even though the 6 pack was expensive. I am going to try it with dinner tonight as my mother is making burgers, using MY meat that I bought. No matter, I like using fresh meat anyway when I cook. I think it tastes better than frozen/thawed.

I don’t know why, but I bought a Kindle Fire this morning with accessories. I know I have said I had a tablet that was good enough, but I really wanted something that I could take with me. I really want to be able to read Dostoevsky and not worry that the battery is going to run out on me. Seems the battery life of the tablet has gone down considerably. It only lasts a day or two off the charger, and that is if you are not using it. I bought a 64 GB SD card for it as the device itself is only 8 GB. It should be delivered this Saturday. I am all excited! I think after the week that I have had, I deserve to get myself something nice.

I also reserved a car for my therapy appointment for next week. I will be seeing her twice in one week. She is going to be so excited. It’s going to be like old times. I just hope it doesn’t rain on Tuesday. I hate driving in the rain. I need to go to Walmart and get new PJs. The ones that I have been wearing look more like Swiss cheese. They are so worn they have a lot of holes in them. I have had them for at least 10 years so I think it’s time to replace it. They were my favorite ones, too.

Last night I was feeling lowly. I wrote on Facebook and Twitter that I wasn’t sure if I could change my name because of the attacks in Orlando. I am afraid of being out of the closet and with good reason. I have never been bullied or called names before and I don’t want that to be the case moving forward. There has only been one time in my life that I have been called a “dyke” and that was scary to me. So next week, I am moving on, and going to get the first step in changing my name. I need to get my birth certificate. Once I have that, I will go to court and get my name legally changed. I hope I don’t need a court appointment to do so. Otherwise, it might be awhile before my name is officially changed.

Once this happens, I will start the process in changing my name on all the bills and hospitals that I go to. I still am sort of on the fence of whether to be called G or GC. I tried changing my Facebook name to G last night and it wouldn’t let me. It has to be more than one letter. Jerks. But I have my heart set on being called G as nearly everyone calls me that anyways.

I have been sleeping most of the day. I woke up at 0300 because I had to pee. Then I couldn’t go back to sleep. I was feeling kind of sick as my bowels were haywire. I don’t know why I have the runs but I do. All I really had today to eat was two boiled eggs, toast, and apple juice. For lunch I had some asparagus and eggs and salad. I hope that me not taking the abilify isn’t affecting my bowels. I just paged my doc so I will ask her. Or not. I am supposed to be tapering the dose but I am too lazy. Besides, the voices don’t want me taking it at all so I am not cutting the pill to take it. I just got to remember not to take the senna tonight or I might have loose stool again tomorrow. That wouldn’t be good because I need to go out. I have an appointment with my doc and the NP for my pain management. It’s back to back appointments. Should be fun!

The voices are listening to what I am typing. The reading voice is back so they can hear what I am reading/saying. It’s so weird. I feel like I am being watched all the time now by these voices. I don’t have a big appetite today. I bought some Andy Capp fries. They are my favorite. I had to hide them because my littlest niece loves them, too. I was in the mood for hot fries and I am glad the liquor store carries them. It’s the only place around that has Andy Capp products. I miss the comic strip that used to be on the bag. They don’t have it anymore. Andy Capp was one of my favorite comics growing up. I hope the beer is good. I never had a grapefruit beer before. I am not usually a beer drinker. But I will have one during the summer. I like the lemon beers they come out with.

The reason I bought this particular beer is because Wil Wheaton’s wife posted it on Twitter more than a year ago. It’s an Indian IPA, which I don’t know what that is. I figure I like grapefruit and she liked it so it couldn’t be that bad. She is a bigger beer drinker than I am though. We’ll see. Maybe I will post a blog about it later this evening about it.

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated, depression, and pain don’t mix

I am feeling wicked agitated right now and I don’t know why. I just bought 10 books for $15 about the business of writing. Lawrence Block sent out the link and I wanted to get it before it disappeared forever. I could buy the book individually but it would cost me more than $15. I had a little trouble getting the last 5 books. It wouldn’t sync to my tablet. Then the whole 10 started so I had to delete the duplicates. I was getting really annoyed.

Then I kept thinking about my father. My sister had invited me to lunch on Saturday. She works in the same town my father lived, literally down the street from him. I was going to ask if she was going to swing by my father’s to check on him. I had to bite my tongue and it’s killing me that he isn’t around anymore. I can’t believe I am missing him. This is something I was not expecting.

Then my foot/ankle (left/bad) is killing me. I can’t seem to get the pain under control. I have taken two pills before 1800. So now that it’s 2200, I took two more. I know it’s because the doc had move my foot in ways that it doesn’t like to be moved. And he was pressing on the part of my ankle that is really sore. So the whole fucking thing is aggravated, which is annoying and pissing me off because I really want to get to sleep. I wish there was a baseball game playing that I could watch but I no longer have the MLB network.

Another thing that was pissing me off is that the Sox drafted a high schooler and people were comparing him to a pitcher that now sucks for the Sox. They are worried about how he is going to spend his money and things like that. UM, we didn’t get him for his financial spending. We got him for his pitching. I guess this kid was pretty excited because he really wanted to play for us. Hell, if I was drafted by my dream team, I’d be pretty excited, too. I just hope he pans out. Last year we had a problem with a young player that thought he was above the law because he was a baseball player. He went away. I forget his name.

I have been listening to my music the last few hours to try and distract me. Some songs are helpful. Others, I have to skip, which annoys me. Also, I had to put the do not disturb function on my phone because I kept getting text messages from the T with delays. I am just in a wicked agitated state. I might have to take some trilafon. I don’t think this agitation is good. I don’t know what brought it on. I know I am still annoyed I still have my menses. I thought it was going away this morning because things were clear. But as the day progress, that wasn’t the case. I am so pissed off I got to deal with this. I really want a hysterectomy. I am going to ask my NP if I can get one. I have no use for my uterus. It really is useless.

I still am depressed. I thought I was “recovered” from it but I guess it’s still sticking around. The gray clouds have shown up. I just feel so bogged down. I know it’s because I am still a fucking female. I hate my breasts and I hate myself for not doing something about it when I had the chance to. If I had a noodle in my brain, I could have used one of my credit cards to get the surgery to remove them. But it’s too late now. Now I got to see if my insurance will cover the cost of removing them and I have no idea what the copay, if any, it will be. Not that I wish cancer on anyone but if breast cancer ran in my family I could possibly get them removed as a proactive case to prevent the cancer from showing up. But nope. Cancer doesn’t really run in the family. God I hate myself. I just want to die. I could kill myself now and then worry about nothing. I am such a fucking idiot. A complete loser. I really loathe myself and there is nothing to contradict this. I am just a scumbag.

Saturday Blog 52

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 52

Despite going to bed around 0330, I woke up at a decent hour and needed coffee badly. I decided to venture out. The plan was to eat the same things I ate yesterday to see if I got ill like I did yesterday. When I got to Starbucks, I didn’t get the two doughnuts I got yesterday. I got one. I didn’t want to get bloated again. I also bought some ground beef so I can make my sauce and a can opener at Walgreens so I can open the tomato cans. Our electric can opener sucks and it took me a while to open just one can last time. I didn’t want to go through that again. So there went the money for my sub. My mother is making chicken stir fry so we’ll see how my stomach handles that. I plan on making the sauce tomorrow.

I tried to do some journaling at Starbucks and while I was waiting for the bus but nothing was coming to me. It was like my thoughts were blank. The editor of the Times got back to me. He said that after 30 days, the article is subject to any type of publication that I see fit. Seeing as I didn’t know about this publication, I am within my rights to have it pulled from the TSPN website as they didn’t contact me prior to printing their article. I did email them so I hope I get a response sometime next week. I am still livid that they did this. Luckily, it does seem like there was a response to their newsletter as I have not received any tweets or emails or blog messages concerning it.

This week has been a bad week for me. Not only physically but mentally as well. And today tops it off by getting my menses. I am so destroyed right now, although I am kind of shocked I am not horribly suicidal. I had a feeling it was going to happen because I have been getting cramps and my breasts have been hurting really bad. But because I am on the pill, it’s hard for me to know if I am getting it or if it’s just PMS like symptoms. I am not really supposed to have breakthrough bleeding because I take the pill consistently around the same time every night and also take pack after pack. I don’t get a break unless I start bleeding. So tomorrow, I am off the pill for a week. This means I need to be a female during this time period and I just fucking hate it. It is so demoralizing. I wish I could just get a hysterectomy. I am going to seriously talk to my repro endo about getting one. Then it will be one less pill to take and I don’t have to act like a female by wearing female underwear and using feminine products.

Back Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Back Pain Sucks

I woke up with more back pain. It was hot in my room so I turned the AC on to cool off. I wanted to go back to sleep but I never did, despite taking my pain medications. Before I knew it, it was time for therapy. I had to apologize for not being able to give her some of my sauce and not being there in person. She understood because once she saw the photo I sent of my sauce, she wanted some, too. She also understood and didn’t want me driving in pain.

We talked about various things in therapy, mostly about PTSD symptoms as they have been cropping up as well as the weird dreams I have been having lately. I am afraid to sleep during the day because REM sleep comes so quickly. Normally, REM is achieved within 90 minutes of sleep. I am achieving it within 45, so half the time. If the dreams were pleasant, I wouldn’t mind but they are just weird and sometimes disturbing.

After therapy, I waited at the bus stop when my cousin drove by. He gave me a ride to Starbucks and I got a soy latte. My friend gave me the idea to get a double shot espresso over ice and pour milk over it. It’s the same as a latte except you are adding the milk so technically aren’t paying for it. I wanted to try it today but couldn’t. The iced soy latte was good enough for me. Maybe Thursday I will try it. Tomorrow I am NOT going out because I really need to rest my back as it’s not getting better. I ordered a book at a local bookstore and went to pick it up. I was in agony the whole way there. Luckily, I took a pain medication before I left and so by the time I was on my way home, my pain was a little less. It still hurt to walk though. I couldn’t straighten out. I should have used my cane but sometimes the cane is more cumbersome than helpful.

I wanted to write when I got to Starbucks but there were no seats available so I went to the bookstore. I am turning in a real Neil Gaiman fan. My therapist keeps calling me a guy and it’s so cute when she says it. I have to laugh. I do love it because no one else really sees me as a guy. Once I have my breast surgery, I will file for my sex change. Until then, I will keep things as it is. I told her I was going to change my name sometime next month. I got the forms but I need my birth certificate before I do anything. Crap, I meant to deposit some money in my checking account today so I can mail out the payment for it. Pain sucks because it distracts you. I just wanted to do what I had to do and then go home.

It was hot today but not as hot as I thought it would be. I still have the AC on because I can’t stand the heat. I am on the second floor so it’s kind of uncomfortable otherwise.

My therapist is happy that my depressive symptoms have been relieved. I am not as depressed as I was a month ago. I am eating and have my interests again. I even read two chapters in a book last night. I can’t remember the last time I did that. I feel good but it’s tinged with sadness from the grief I feel over the loss of my father. I told my therapist I haven’t been able to take the notepad out of my backpack to work on the story because it feels too heavy, emotionally. I know I will work on it, when I am ready. There’s no time table for me to work on it and it’s not like I have a deadline. I would like to work on my book. I have been thinking of writing an introduction. I still need to work on another story. Today I have been thinking of writing about the experience I had with this awful depression that lasted for nearly five months. I was reading some of my blogs from during this period. I have no idea how I was able to write every day as I was so down in the dumps.

But before I can do any writing, I need to get this back pain under control. I need to lay down and rest it. Sitting is not helping it and neither is walking around. But the problem is that I have been too restless to lie down. I seriously need to drug myself to get to sleep or at least rest. It’s just so difficult because I am in the agitated state of the depression. I don’t want to rely on Ativan to calm me down, even though it would help the spasms and pain that I am in. The baclofen doesn’t really help much and I don’t have a prescription for flexeril. I just have to create my own regimen and I know that laying down is what I need. I just wish I could read while doing it or write but I can’t. So tomorrow is going to be a serious rest day if I am still in pain.