Tag: writing

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in writing

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 18
A problem that you have had.

I have had soooo many problems in the last year that it is hard to pick one and talk about it. I guess the biggest one is being without a car and having to rely on public transportation. I love riding the trains but the buses are the hardest because you wait longer and if they are late, you are late. I wish I could afford a car but maybe if I save up some money which I still am not sure I can do, I can get another used vehicle. But that adds to its own problems with gas money, taxes, registration, etc and the general upkeep of the car, like oil changes and such.

more on transitioning

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, transgender

I started the day with an unusual abundance of energy. I felt like I could face the world and was ready to take it on. That was until I had my therapy session and all bits went to hell. I didn’t want to do anything. I just wanted to curl up in bed and not do anything.
After session I felt a little better after talking about my TG stuff. This stuff is really complicated and I feel very alone with it though people around me are very supportive of it. I am trying to get used to the pronouns and the medical issues I am having. See I go to one place and only my psychiatrist knows my issues right now because I am a “beginner”. I have not told my PCP or any other of my many other care providers. Not like they would turn me away, or they might to another “qualified” individual. I just feel that right now since I am spotting I need to see someone. I got my periods stopped by birth control pills and trust me having to take female hormones to stop my menses kills me enough. But having to explain it without crying my eyes out that is another matter. Not to mention that among my many care providers they all read each other’s notes except my psychiatrist so if I tell one, the others are going to know except I am not there yet. I don’t want it in my medical file that I am a transgendered individual or that I have gender identity disorder yet. I just am not there as sometimes it takes so much emotion that all I do is cry over it as I talk about. I guess part of it is because I hate myself so much that I just want no part of my body. I can deal with the facial hair but I cannot deal with my breasts or my reproductive system. Those are the two things I hate most about myself. I just wish I had the money to get the operation to get rid of both. To look down and not see breasts would make me happy. To actually see hair on my chest would be wonderful and not the little stubs I have now. I truly hate myself for being in the wrong body.
And this is why I am suicidal. This is why I want to end my life. I hope that by the time my date comes around I am half way to the other side or else I just end things and let things be. My parents can bury me as their daughter instead of their son. because it hurts too much to be not who I really am meant to be.

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 17

by Midnight Demon, posted in writing

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 17

Somerthing That you are proud of:

I am proud of my writing and this blog because it helps me to see that I am not alone in my suffering. Other people cannot articulate what I can in their feelings and it feels good to know I have this “gift” of articulation to help people better understand how they feel because they themselves cannot put it in to words.

ramblings 22

by Midnight Demon, posted in Chronic pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicide, suicide attempt, writing

I don’t know where this day has gone. I had a disastrous appointment with my therapist in which I accidently hung up on her and we both we trying to call each other back at the same time, which just lead us to each other’s voicemails. Stupidly, I was looking for my psychiatrist number and accidently dialed it during our session. But no matter, she called me back and after I explained that I panicked and hung up on her she laughed.

My therapist is worried because of what I wrote in my last blog (mental anguish) and she wanted me to tell my psychiatrist so I emailed the blog to her while we were talking. We have phone sessions because I don’t have a car and she is now thirty miles away from me. She used to be closer but then decided to have a life outside of our therapy (AKA have a kid) and consolidated her practices to where she lives. Which sucks for me because unless I can borrow a car, there is no way I can see her. I might end up seeing her next week but it is a hassle. I have to wake up early to take my sister’s car from my brother in law who leaves around 7 every morning. That is a long day with someone who has nothing to do and then I have to pick him up from work. I can’t wait till he gets a more reliable vehicle for his own use rather than my sister’s. That is why we have phone sessions.

I got my new glasses today and seems like I will have to go back as one of the lenses is scratched. Just what I fricken need.

Having trouble with tomorrow’s writing challenge. I am supposed to write about something that I am proud of but I don’t feel like I’m proud of anything because I feel like crap right now. How can you feel proud of something when you feel like killing yourself? When you feel like you are the biggest loser on the planet? Or feel like a big piece of shit? I just want to crawl under a huge rock and hope it crushes me to death.