Month: February 2018

surviving depression 23 June 2006

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

June 23, 2006

I know what you are going through. Sometimes I think that everyone would be better off without me. The only thing that is keeping me alive these days is my word to my therapist that I won’t go through with my thoughts. The pain of living is just too much to bare right now. My therapist often asks me how I get through this. There is a quote that I keep telling her that I got from one of Kay Redfield Jamison’s book, “Only one option left, to suffer”. She is my inspiration as she has bipolar disorder, tried to die by suicide, and is one of the leading researchers/teachers of the disorder. I know it doesn’t make sense to suffer all the time but millions of people out there do it everyday. We few that are in this group do it every day, though it is most difficult and we come from different backgrounds and sections of the world. I know it sucks, but the trick is to realize when we feel this way, it is NOT our true selves, it is the disorder that is talking. I know we all feel like scum of the earth for no reason other than for being allowed to breathe, to be something called alive that we wish we didn’t have to be. One reason why I have read so much about depression and there are a lot of good books out there, is that you have to know the disorder, understand it, then you can know what to do, sometimes when it isn’t hitting you on the head with a 60 lb hammer. Sometimes knowing the demons is better than not knowing them. I know that it isn’t always easy when our physical bodies wreck our lives and we are no longer feel apart of the human race because our b&b are not functioning and we have physical pain that is driving us insane. But things aren’t always going to be this way. One of the books that I had read said that suicide is complete in 10 minutes and if you wait out those ten mins, you will survive. The same thing goes for depression. Though instead of 10 mins, it’s more like 10 days or more. But it doesn’t last. Eventually it lifts, and we return to “normal” functioning until the next episode. The HARDEST part of this fucking disorder is that we forget that we have survived the worse of it. Every time we are stuck in an episode, we think it is for the first time, that we are NEVER going to feel better, ever. I am telling you that you are. No matter how hopeless you feel right now, tomorrow might be a better day and if it is not, least you survived today. Worry about tomorrow, tomorrow I’ll be here for you. Count on it.

About the mood stabilizers, I suffer from bipolar depression, which is a little different than major depression. I sometimes have periods where I am really hyper, don’t sleep, eat, think I am on top of the world, talk excessively, and can’t stand still. These periods don’t last too long, maybe a week or two, then I either have a period of being normal and/or crash big time. I take Trileptal for it and it has helped some with the Cymbalta. Trileptal is an anti-convulsant that is used a “mood stabilizer”. There are other drugs that are used, but you should be seen by a psychiatrist for evaluation. Most GP’s don’t have a clue about psychotropic meds and it isn’t a good idea for them to play around with it if you don’t have the diagnosis.

another warm February day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another warm February day

It is 72 degrees F right now. I went on my back porch and there were bugs flying. I need to fix my screen for my window. I had broken it in November when I took out my AC. It was either break it or have the AC fall. I just hope the screen place can fix it and I don’t have to go to Home Depot for the frame. It is mostly intact except for the corners. The screen itself is okay.

I woke up at 5 again in pain. I was sweating because it was hot in my room. I wanted to shower but it was too early. I would probably wake up my sister and brother in law as their bedroom is below my bathroom. I stayed up for a bit and then got hungry so made a bowl of cereal. I went back to sleep even though my foot was angry.

I woke up around noon. My friend in Canada had messaged me so we were talking for a bit. I wanted to make pancakes but my foot and ankle were being assholes. I didn’t want to flare it up more. I was getting hungry but I didn’t want to move, much less leave my room. I tried to go back to sleep but it wasn’t happening. I decided to shower and then make some buffalo wings. I think my mother is making a chicken stir fry as I saw some chicken chunks in the fridge. She is probably going to make rice for an army. I don’t understand why she makes so much when no one eats it. It ends up getting moldy and then tossed. Drives me crazy.

I haven’t read Harry today, not yet anyway. Voldemort just got the Elder Wand. I decided to stop there, for now. After I read Harry, I plan on reading 1984. There has been a lot of talk about the book since the Orange Buffoon has been in office. I think I read it when I was in high school or soon after I graduated, though I really don’t remember what it was about. I keep thinking of Brave New World and I know that isn’t the same thing.

warm day in February

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Warm day in February

A very unusual day today as temps reached 70 degrees. I don’t ever remember the temps being that high this time of year for Boston. Despite the nice weather, my pain didn’t decrease. Standing was difficult all day and the bones in my ankle joint hurt really bad. I woke up in pain and just stayed in bed though my phone kept on ringing after 10 am. I was getting annoyed. My mother wanted me to turn down the heat and I said yeah, if I went downstairs, which wasn’t happening soon. She came home a little while later with my loud mouth cousin in tow. Fuck. I was hungry so I went downstairs as I had to use the bathroom. As I was making something, my cousin said I was always eating. Fuck, really? It was noon time so excuse me for wanting some food. Just because he doesn’t eat, doesn’t mean I shouldn’t. It made me so mad. I had to suffer with him and my mother call me she/her and my birth name. I kept my mouth shut because he is a judgmental fuck and doesn’t like anything to do with LGBT. I just ate and wanted to make coffee but couldn’t stand being around him. I went back to my room and of course he had something to say to that, too. I waited for him to leave before going back down to make coffee. I made it a little strong but it was good.

I read Harry Potter for most of the day. The pain in my ankle did not drown out at all. I took some ibuprofen as it was bone pain and I just ate so I could take the max dose. When I was done with reading an hour or two later, I was still in the same level of pain. I was tempted to call my PCP as the pain is getting worse than my “normal” pain. I haven’t done anything that I recall. Only thing that stopped me was that I knew he wouldn’t do anything about it. It wasn’t like he was going to change my meds or anything. I am so tired of living with this pain and just going on this existence. Like what the fuck is the point?

I’m going back to the Wizard World. I really want to finish this book this week.

Round Here Buzz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Round here buzz

Decided to listen to music and this was the first song on my playlist. Love Eric Church and this album. Must have listened to this song thousands of time. My top three songs on this album, other than the title, Mr. Misunderstood, are Round here buzz, Mixed drinks with feelings, and Record Year.

I had another early morning awakening. Around the same time too, 5 am. I stayed up for about an hour and just as I was about to fall back to sleep, my med alarm went off. I forgot to change the time before falling asleep last night. I took the pill and was able to get back to sleep. I slept till around 1300 or so. I was really sleepy and didn’t want to get up. My ankle was still being a jerk. I wanted coffee and knew it wasn’t going to make itself as I had no magic wand so I went downstairs to the kitchen. I made a two cheese egg burrito and Casi Cielo. Coffee was good. I brought it back up to my room and decided to read for a bit. I put on the stopwatch and found that I read a chapter in like 20-25 minutes. So I kept on reading. I was in the part of the Deathly Hallows where they were at the Ministry and freed the muggle borns from the court. I couldn’t stop there so read some more until Ron leaves after he finds out Ginny was punished for trying to steal the sword of Gryffindor.

There were about four eggs left after I made my burrito so I decided to go to the grocery store to buy some more. I had about a half hour before the next bus would come. I went downstairs to put my mug in the sink and told my mother I would be going to the store to get eggs. Then I asked her if she wanted to get the washer as it was on sale and today was the last day for it. She said she wanted to look at it. I said are you waiting for the washer to completely break before getting a new one? I told her by then the price would go up and she would pay more. She said okay. I showed her the washer that was similar to the one we had. No fancy buttons or anything. She wanted to see if it was big enough to wash a blanket. I said it was a deep fill washer so I think so. But she wanted to be sure so I read the description to her. I told her this washer could wash 14 towels at once so I think one blanket would fit. She said she wanted a freezer as well so after I place the washer in the cart, I checked out the freezers. Found one that looked like the one she wanted and went with her step by step on what she wanted as far as warranties and such. By the time I was done, I had missed the bus. I figure I would catch another bus route rather than the Square as it was getting late.

I went upstairs to get dressed, happy that we had a new washer on the way. I went back downstairs and asked my mother if 4 dozen eggs would be okay. I don’t know why I asked. She then asked the price of the eggs and I told her. She said that was too expensive and I nearly went insane when she said 2 dozen. I said you want me to go out for just 2 dozen eggs??? I said whatever and went downstairs to vent to my sister. I swear my mother thinks things should be a buck and if they are not, wait till they are on sale. We had 4 eggs that is not going to last till they are on sale! My mother and I use eggs nearly every day. I vented then caught the bus. I didn’t feel like listening to music so just rode the bus. The grocery store was not crowded and I liked that. I grabbed what I needed and a half gallon of juice.

I went to the busway and realized the bus there wouldn’t be coming for another hour so I caught the bus to the Square to catch the bus home. My ankle was killing me by the time I came home. Felt like a rod was going through my foot if I bared full weight on it. I was exhausted like I had been doing shit all day. My mother was making supper when I came home. I put the things away and just as I put the last dozen in the fridge, my ankle flared again. I sat for a bit and put my foot in the air so nothing was putting pressure on it. It was a stop gap measure. I was still hurting when I got up a few minutes later to change out of my jeans. I should have taken a pain pill but didn’t think of it. After I finished eating and went back up to my room, I took it.

I went on my laptop and checked out twitter. The Orange Buffoon was starting shit again, blaming everyone but himself for things. Then I saw Red Sox news and was scanning all my Sox tweety buddies. Deal has been made with JD Martinez, a free agent outfielder for the Arizona Diamondbacks. They have been talking about signing him ALL fricken off season and today is the day they finally do, much to my chagrin. We got him for 5 yrs at $21 mill/year, pending a physical. I had to laugh when someone proposed a lineup that had Ramirez, our current DH, as playing first base! HA! He only played a handful of games at first base all last season. I don’t expect him to when we have Moreland! I don’t remember if Ramirez had shoulder surgery in the off season or not. A few guys did. But Ramirez stinks either way. He has been with us two years now and hasn’t done shit. This will be his third season with us. I always like to see how spring training goes before I decide on anyone. But this bozo who listed his probable line up was a complete joke. We have a new manager for the Sox so it will be interesting how he plays people. I don’t know if he goes by analyses or not. The former manager did so would have a guy off for a certain pitcher. I don’t know if Cora (manager) will do the same or not. I cannot wait. First Spring Training game will be this Friday!! I just hope it will be on the radio!