Painsomnia hits again
I’ve been up all night in pain. I took a shower about a half hour ago to see if that would relax me enough to sleep but it hasn’t yet. I feel a crash coming on but felt the need to write. I need to “listen” when the writing comes on.
I’ve been thinking about therapy a lot. If you’ve been following my blog, you know that I contemplating discontinuing it for now. I don’t want to sway people away from therapy. Therapy can and is useful to people, whether you have a mental disorder or not. Sometimes just talking to a nonjudgmental ear is what people need to help them through a difficult spot. I have been going to therapy since I was 15 because there was something “wrong” with me. I didn’t know any different and now I am questioning whether I really need to see someone for something I don’t see as “wrong”. The therapist I am seeing doesn’t recommend that I stop going. Quite the opposite as I am suicidal. But it is my decision to make whether or not I go and if I continue, what do I want from it. I have been thinking about dealing with the trauma of my past, to move past it because I haven’t talked about it other than in a mentioning tone. I never explored how it makes me feel. I mostly have been invalidating myself for things and then this fucking neuro condition entered my life and all fucking hell broke loose. Things don’t matter to me much anymore. I am not going to get better medically. I could get worse. I could lose feeling in my legs and the ability to walk, again. Having surgery for the cord won’t stop the progression of the discs but at least we know the nerves are free and won’t be damaged as much should another massive herniation happen.
My gut says that I should be in therapy because I am depressed and suicidal. Maybe dealing with the trauma issues like I talked about will help me be less suicidal. I also think that continuing to go might help me better control my suicidality in a way that doesn’t always mean acting on it when I feel it or plan to act on it. That is a slippery slope because that would mean I would want to live and I don’t. Right now I feel like I am being forced to live. I feel like I should die because I need to. I am in too much pain to bear and no one really understands it except another person with chronic pain, specifically, CRPS. There are different kinds of chronic pain but most of it can be dealt with (except arachnoiditis and other nerve pain like Trigeminal neuralgia). If you are reading this and suffer from chronic pain, I do not mean to minimize your pain. It could be worse than mine or someone else’s. But I know the drain it takes on you. The exhaustion, the sleepless nights. The wanting it to stop so you can just brush your teeth or even make something to eat. That is the problem I have. I have to make myself something to eat when I don’t want to or am in too much pain just to stand for a minute and thirty seconds for a chicken patty sandwich. I bought loads of them with hamburger rolls so I will have them when I can make them. Thing also is, there is no one to make me food. Sure I could ask my mother but half the time, I don’t know what I want or I just don’t have the energy to go downstairs to eat because I am not hungry. Food doesn’t appeal to me sometimes.
I am not sure going to therapy is going to give me my life back. I am never going to be able to work again. I was deemed permanently disabled at the age of 36. I still have not dealt with that and I am not sure this therapist I see can help me with it. She doesn’t understand chronic pain or disability. I got to find her age though. It is killing me because she said she was around my age but she didn’t say what it was so now it is bugging me. I don’t know if she will tell me but I can try. But knowing this comes with the cost that I don’t have my degree because of my mental illness and that hurts more than CRPS ever could. I never became the doctor my family wanted, that I wanted to be. Sure it has changed since 8th grade but I still held out hope that I would earn my medical and philosophical degrees. I wanted to me an MD just for the sake of it and practice being a psychologist. I didn’t want to be a licensed doctor because of my suicidality but I did want to have my MD because that was my dream, even if I never practiced medicine. I still hope one day I can get my medical degree. That is if I don’t kill myself by year end or some other year.
Pain is getting worse and I am losing my patience with it. I am also hungry. I wish I had an egg burrito. I need to make some and store them so when I am hungry all it takes is two minutes to have something to eat. But I really don’t want to go downstairs because I am hurting too much right now. Maybe if the pain meds knock it down a bit, I will. I put on a compression sock as sometimes that helps with the pain. I just can’t get ahead of the pain no matter what I try and it is making me feel hopeless and angry. Paingry.
Therapy could still be useful. I’ve been with the same therapist for the past five months. Hard to believe it has been that long. There are some stuff I want to work on in therapy and I think I have the right therapist to do this work. I just don’t think that me being forced to still be here is helping a lot. I think with my suicidality being so high the past few months I’ve really just seen suicide as my way out and no one has really asked me why. Instead I feel I am being forced to live. I have the right to die. If I was an animal, I would have been euthanized already. I am tired of being tired, being in pain, struggling with depression and insomnia that goes with it. Now my bladder function is no longer working right and this is my new life. Having to cath to urinate. All because I can’t do it on my own as much anymore.
I have a date in mind but I don’t think the weather is going to be favorable for me. I need to try and end my life. That is all I want to do but I know that if I am in therapy, I can’t talk about it without problems. I need suicide to be an option. I am not ready to give it up, now or ever.