Bad day becomess bad night
I’m on the verge of crying. Feel so depressed. Pain is high not only in my back but damn CRPS foot/ankle. The throbbing is making me want to die. Been four fucking days with the same intense pain. The feeling of content I felt is gone. It has been replaced by depression and pain. I am sort of in a psychache where my heart is being shredded. All because my ankle/foot is hurting so damn bad. Back is bothering me too but it is not the same kind of pain. I know eventually the back pain will go away. Unfortunately, it is not tonight.
I am writing as a way to self-soothe, as my therapist puts it. Writing is all I know how to deal with this hurt. Problem is that words aren’t coming so quickly tonight because I am thinking instead of feeling. I am wondering if this is a right or wrong thing. I’ve suddenly become self-conscious about my writing when I am feeling this way and it prevents me writing on tangents. The content that I was feeling for the three weeks after surgery is gone. All because my ankle is being cut up into a thousand pieces. It is being stabbed repeatedly and the foot bones are throbbing/aching so bad. This is the fourth day of dealing with this pain. I guess the effects of the steroids have worn off and now the pain is back. It isn’t at full volume but it is getting close. I know the exercises I did today where I was doing ankle circles didn’t help. That is when the pain started getting intense. I just ignored it. I didn’t even mention the pain to the PT because what was she going to do? She wants my back healed not my foot/ankle. She said that she was going to have a meeting with another PT about my case to see if I can add strength to the exercises. I think they would need the doctor’s permission to do it. He doesn’t want me carrying anything heavier than a gallon of milk until I see him next.
Because I am in a shit load of pain, I took a bunch of different meds to help ease the pain and help me sleep. I don’t know if the drowsiness will overcome the pain. That is always the question when I take meds for pain. Sometimes it works and I am able to sleep before midnight and then there are times where it doesn’t matter what I take, I am not going to sleep at all and be up all night. I sort of am getting my writing bug back. It has been extremely difficult to get it back. But each day that I write, I feel it reviving. I just hope it doesn’t lead to hypergraphia that I sometimes get. That is not what I want. But it wouldn’t surprise me if I went from 0 to 60 with my writing.