about pain meds

About pain meds

“It’s ok to be on pain meds. Can we stop acting like not taking pain meds is some sort of moral success? Being in pain doesn’t mean you have an addiction. It’s okay to not want to be in pain. I’d go so far to say that it’s normal.” Lupie Linda

I feel like I don’t deserve pain meds because I’m a bad person. I sometimes feel evil so I feel that I deserve to be in pain. I also feel guilty about taking pain meds because I know there are plenty of chronic pain patients that don’t have access to pain meds anymore. I know I am dependent on my meds and though there maybe times where I take and extra breakthrough med here and there, I am not addicted/ Pain levels dictate how I take my meds. If it’s above a 10 I may take more than when my pain is a 7. Often times I will go about my business and pain levels will go from a 3 to a 12 in a blink of an eye. It’s at these times when pain is a 12, the here and there come into play. I feel bad about taking the extra pain med I need to calm down the level of pain I am in. I know what works, usually. The bad part is my pcp doesn’t want to go up on my BT meds, even though I think it will be beneficial for me. He wants to put me on methadone and I don’t want to be on it. The people I know who take it don’t get relieve of their pain while on it.

I sometimes feel that I shouldn’t complain about my pain to my providers because of the ping pong ball back and forth I get. Almost like pass the buck. Or I get the sorry you’re in pain there is nothing I can do for you. That is the one thing that makes me feel so suicidal. Doc knows I am in pain but can’t do anything for me. So I feel like a) I got to manage anyway I can with what I got and b) have the why bother taking anything at all if it isn’t going to help? I flip through a and b frequently. Usually it’s 3am when I cry uncle and take something for the pain because all the non-narcotic meds haven’t done shit for me.

The downside to trying to play catch up to the pain is I may look “high” as my lil sister has constantly pointed out to me. My eyes appear dilated to her. I will not feel high or drugged out. I won’t even feel good. I usually just feel nothing or “normal”. I hate that she judges me like this. It makes me feel bad and guilty for trying to ease my suicide level pain. I try going without pain meds when I am below a 10 but CRPS pain can change in an instant. The level 6/7 can quickly become a 12 or higher. I use numbers above a 10 beciase chronic pain doesn’t fit neatly into the 1-10 scale. Chron pain scale is 0 to 14+ (see photo of scale). Level 14 is unbearable pain where you cannot function and wish you were dead. My breaking point is usually a 12 though. It will last for hours to days when I am in a flare, especially if the weather is whacky like New England weather can be. I feel it when the barometric pressure goes up and down. I have kept a record of it and usually the barometric pressure of 29.5 to 30+ will increase my pain. I don’t sleep during these flares which only makes the pain worse to cope with. I have found that the higher my sleep deprivation is during these flares, the more likely I am to think of suicide and plan for ending my life. Once my sleep is some what back to normal, the suicidal impulses are lower.