Category: Bipolar Disorder

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, writing

Editing nightmare, writing, and other things

Earlier this week when I was editing, I noticed that one story had given each paragraph its own page. I fixed it and thought that would be it. Tonight, I went to the next story and there was a similar error. I went to the next and found the same error. I panicked. I knew what I had to do to fix it but it was a lengthy process and would take some time and effort to sort through. It was more than 50 pages of work to sort. I had nothing better to do so cut and pasted I did. I fixed the book and in doing so, “lost” 20 pages. I am up to 125, without edits as I still haven’t inputted them but at least there are no formatting errors, least none that I can see right now.

Because I thought I was up to at least 150 pages of work after putting in some dedication and acknowledgement pages, I figured I could publish the book. Now I can’t because it’s too short for my taste. I really would like to get it up to 200 pages, minimum. It’s probably going to take me another six months or so to get another 75 pages written. I am so disappointed. So close yet no cigar.

My mother annoyed me tonight. I told her I was in pain and she said “well you are going up and down the stairs alright”. WTF She doesn’t fucking get it. The other day when my sister was here she was telling her that I go down the stairs “carefully”. But she said it in a mocking voice. I just can’t win with her. Tomorrow she wants me to clean the stairs, both flights. I will clean the bottom stairs first as those haven’t been done in quite a while. Then we’ll see about the other flight.

I just took a strong pain pill because I couldn’t stand the throbbing in my ankle anymore and the regular pain pills aren’t working. I hope I am not up every fricken two hours. I am really tired. It’s funny, when I want to sleep I can’t and when I need sleep, I do. There is no medium. I know part of it is my fault because I am on my bed most of the time so when I feel the need to lie down, I do and usually sleep, no matter what time of day it is. A sleep doc would have a complete fit if he knew my sleeping habits or lack there of.

It’s extremely windy and it is shaking the house. It kind of scares me because I fear the house will fall in. I know it won’t, sort of, but it still scares me when the house shakes. I hope the wind dies down by the end of the night. I don’t need anxiety on top of pain to keep me up. That just isn’t a good combination.

I talked with my aunt tonight. It didn’t go well. She didn’t know who I was and then started crying. It broke my heart. She wanted me to visit her. I wish I had a car to see her but I don’t. I would have to go by public transportation and it’s a pain because I would have to take two trains and a bus to get to her house. It would be worth it to see her though. I miss her terribly. She is the last surviving sibling in the US on my father’s side. I have one uncle in France but he has dementia and is not doing too well. I don’t talk to him because of the language barrier. He doesn’t speak English and I don’t speak French or Italian.

another day filled with pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another day filled with pain

I didn’t sleep well last night. I was waking up every 2 hours. I wanted to help my mother with doing something around the house and then go to Starbucks but dammit, I couldn’t get my motor started for nothing. Then I figured I would help and make coffee. That didn’t work either. I stayed in bed the whole day. Meanwhile, my foot has been throbbing like a SOB.

I am really pissed at myself for not getting up. It’s been like this all week. I think I am depressed as I have no motivation to do anything. I really wanted to go into town and see where the building was for the CBT therapist I see on Monday. Now it will have to be Monday when I check the place out. Least they have a Starbucks at the corner I can get my espresso as I won’t be going by the Square.

My mother was disappointed in me because I didn’t help her. I feel bad. She made dinner and I really didn’t like it. It was tilapia and a baked potato. I didn’t like the fish. It tasted funny. I only had half a potato and then retreated back to my room. All I ate today was Oreos and milk. That was my breakfast. Then I went off into dreamland.

Next week when I see my psych, I am going to ask if I can increase the Zoloft. I think I need a minor adjustment. I have been on the same dose for a while now and I just keep slipping off the edge more than I was before. I know it’s not going to help my pain or suicidality but it might help the other stuff. If it helps me feel a little better, maybe I can get things done. I made a real mess in my room when I went into my alcove to get my spare desk lamp. Just looking at it makes me sick. But I don’t have the energy to clean it because I just get so overwhelmed. I still need to move stuff away from my window so my brother in law can remove the AC. I’d do it today but it’s really windy and kind of rainy so I need to wait for it to be a better day. Maybe the weekend will be better.

I need to call my aunt to wish her a happy birthday. I am kind of nervous about it because I haven’t talked to her since my father passed away, and it wasn’t a good experience. She was crying really bad and it was hard for her to talk because of the Parkinson’s. I will never forget the noises she was making. It was awful.

I have been thinking about my father’s side of the family all week, well, least in my dreams, literally. Nearly every time I dream, I dreamt about my cousins or aunt or my father. I guess I miss them very much. I wish I was able to go to my cousin’s birthday party last Saturday. But I was in pain and it was not a good idea for me to be driving, especially as I really never been to the place before.

I don’t know if it’s the stupid time difference or what, but every night around 1730, I just want to take my night meds and go to sleep. It’s way too early for me to be taking my meds at that hour. Last night I took it a little past 1900, which is early for me. I couldn’t help it. I have been so tired lately. I know part of it is because I haven’t been on a sleeping schedule of any sort all week and pain has been fucking things up. I just hate it when I sleep all day and up all night deal.

I’m really fed up with being in pain every single bloody day. I just can’t cope anymore. I don’t have any reserves left. And I can’t help thinking that I should have killed myself last week when I had the fucking chance. It was a low pain day and I could have possibly walked to my destination. I’ll never forgive myself for not going through with it. I am so mad.

lost track of crappy days

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lost track of crappy days

I had a good sleep but I still woke up in pain. I really wanted to shower and go to Starbucks but that wasn’t happening. So I took some pain meds and went back to sleep, hoping I didn’t sleep all day. I woke up around 1 and was really hungry. I really haven’t eaten much all week except for little meals here and there. I had taken my sauce out of the freezer and decided to make pasta for it. OMG it was the best thing I ate all week. I had two full bowls of pasta. My stomach isn’t too happy with me as I am so full but it’s a happy full, which makes me happy.

After I had my breakfast and lunch, I decided to take a shower. I was really hot and needed one. Besides, my hair was doing it’s own thing and was really itchy from using gel the other day so I really needed a shower. I took one without any problems and then went upstairs to my room. I started to get sleepy but I had to do an errand for my mother I have been neglecting all week. I paged my psychiatrist as she wanted me to check in. I waited but she never called so I left for the store.

I still haven’t heard back from my psych, but last night she didn’t get back to me until 2200. I hope I don’t have to wait that long today but I could. I am feeling pretty crappy now that I did all that I did. My ankle is “thanking” me so I still don’t know when I am going to brush my teeth. That is the only thing left on my “to do” list. I wanted to edit my book but it’s too late to go to Starbucks now. I will go tomorrow. I really need to get this done. The easy part is correcting shit. The hard part is inputting the info back into the word doc. I hope there are no more formatting errors. Those just give me wicked anxiety.

When I came back from the store, I decided to cut my toenails. My foot really hates me now. I am feeling really depressed that I got all this stuff done but I am still in a lot of pain. I am tempted to ask my psychiatrist for a lethal dose of tricyclics but I know that will not diminish her concern for me and my safety. I just don’t want to live anymore. It’s getting harder and harder to go things and then I pay. It just makes me want to give up and not even try. But stuff like showering and grooming needs to be done. I can’t let my toenails keep growing, that will just cause more problems. I am just glad I don’t have to do it every day or every other day like showering.

Dammit, tomorrow is my aunt’s birthday and I forgot to mail her card. Tuesday is also my sister’s birthday and I need to get her a card as well. Birthday month. I hate it sometimes. I wish I could afford to send my aunt flowers but I can’t. this sucks having just one paycheck a month.

My psych just called me to check in. I think she is okay with me keeping in touch rather than paging her every day. We have an appointment next Friday so that will be good. I told her all I did and how it tired me out. She wants me to take it easy.

evening report

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Evening Report

After my post this morning, I slept until my damn mother wanted to know my where abouts, like I am a child, not a full grown adult. I asked her what she wanted and she plainly stated she just “wanted to know where I was”. She was going to ask why I was still in bed but I cut her off. I am in still in pain, and have taken another pain med. I only took 1 pill because I am waiting for my psychiatrist to call me back and I don’t want to be drugged up, so to speak. I wish she would get back to me as I really want to lie down and sleep.

There was a huge backlash to writing to my friend this morning. Nearly every close childhood friend came at me. I couldn’t believe it. I just ignored them, for now. Then I found out eight trans kids killed themselves across the country. A friend I follow on Facebook wrote this as she has a transgender son. They supposedly killed themselves because they were afraid of what is to come. Even the transline, a hotline for trans people were overloaded today with questions and concerns. I started crying when I found out about this because it affects me so personally. The whole LGBT community is nervous about what is to come. I am too. I texted my therapist that I was going back to the closet if she needs me.

Last night as election results were gaining support for Trump, the Canadian website for immigration went down. It crashed because so many people were hitting it. My friend in Canada who works with immigration said she had over 300 emails and 59 voicemails to sort through this morning. I am sure it is going to get worse as time goes on.

For the first time, I am depressed over outside influences, aka the election. I try not to internalize these things because they change all the fricken time but this time, I am fearful and really down. I should have tried to end my life last week. That has been all I have been thinking about the past few days. I should be dead or on life support or something. I shouldn’t be here.