Category: Bipolar Disorder

Sunday Ramblings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to fix the setting on my word doc for the past half hour to no avail. I think the latest update screwed the settings because things are different and it’s annoying the crap out of me. But when I view via print preview, things are normal. As long as my margins are ok on that view, I am happy. I just hope it doesn’t mess with my book settings. That would be awful.

I put a status up on Facebook that I thought was hysterical and no one thought it was. They just called my mother right. Not the response I was looking for. I had some cookies after breakfast because I was still hungry. My mother asked if they were still soft as she left them uncovered. I told her she should cover them and then she told me no as she doesn’t want them to get sweaty. I nearly choked on the cookie. It was the funniest thing I ever heard. I am still laughing about it.

My mother is cleaning the bathroom today. I feel bad I can’t help her because my back is hurting me and so is my ankle. My mother noticed I was hurting as I was hunched over as I prepared my breakfast. I couldn’t straighten out. The change in temperature always gets me. It went from the 50s to the 30s overnight. Not good. It has warmed up to about 50 degrees but the temp still is jumping and falling during the day and my back cannot take it. It just wrecks havoc on my pain levels.

Because my pain levels are bad today, there is no way that I could go to Stop and Shop to buy some Powerade. I am running low. I will try and go tomorrow. I have been slowly accumulating my shopping list for the big shopping. I couldn’t get groceries last month because my laptop needed to get fixed. I am hoping this month I can get what I need as I am low on stuff and I need to get some stuff for Turkey day. My mother didn’t buy my butternut squash. I love squash. I think we are having it over my middle sister’s house. I have no idea how we are going to carry the turkey and the chicken over there. She’s a half block away from our house. I have no idea who is doing what. I know I won’t be cooking because I don’t cook. Most I can do it pop a pie in the oven and go by the instructions. I hope my brother in law got the pumpkin pie and makes it correctly this time. Last time he made it, it came out like soup. I miss buying pies at the hospital I worked at. I always bought a pumpkin and apple pies. They were really good. Maybe I will have dinner with my friend one night just so I can have pie.

I have been in a depressed mood since I can’t do anything today. Even sitting typing this is hurting my back. I took an NSAID today but it hasn’t helped. I would take a pain pill but I really don’t want to sleep. I did some reading before I had lunch. I am not really liking this book. It’s just stuff that I already knew but the author’s take on it is very negative. I have never read a book that was written like this. Usually history books have an unbiased tone to it. Not this one. And the author focuses on the inaptitude of Lincoln while not focusing on the stupidity and laziness of McClellan, in my opinion. This is all in the first chapter I read. I am definitely going to do a review on this book because it is so terrible. No wonder the book was marked 50% off.

I made some room on my Tivo by deleting some programs that I already watched but was saving for some reason. One program was the 2013 World Series. It killed me to delete it but there was no way for me to transfer it to another media because the TiVo is just too old. I don’t have a DVD recorder. I had bought one but couldn’t figure out how to get it set up. I tried every combination of connecting the wires, buying converter things, and I still couldn’t get the fucker to work. So I gave it away to someone who could. A waste of money but a least it’s being used and not collecting dust in my house. I am just not good with stuff like that.

I didn’t sleep well last night. I woke up around 0230 and went back to sleep around 0430, only to wake up again around 0745. I am so tired. I would nap but I am so afraid of making my sleeping pattern worse. Being in pain is not helping the napping cause because there is nothing more I rather do than take a couple of pain meds and sleep. I have such a messed up schedule I am surprised I can function. I think that is part of the reason I feel depressed is because my sleep is awful. I either stay up late, wake up really early and stay up all day and night, or I don’t sleep at all. I never have a day where I am sleeping all day. I am jealous of the people that can do this, or at least have a straight 6+ hours of sleep.

I have been listening to Taylor Swift today. I was listening to Lady Antebellum but I got tired of listening to them, only because my stupid shuffler would repeat the same three songs in a row, or play the same song twice in a row. I love their music but I also like variety. It would be one thing if I put it on repeat but I didn’t. One of their songs I found on YouTube. I started crying when I heard it because I think it was the last song they recorded as a group. Supposedly, the group broke up a few weeks ago. Their lead singer, Charles Kelley is performing solo now and so is the other singer Hillary Scott. I don’t know what Dave is going to do. I am so upset by this break up because they were my favorite group.

I did some editing this morning on the new story that I wrote. I didn’t write anything new because I didn’t feel inspired. I am glad I read through some of it because there were errors and words that were just wrong. I have no idea what I was thinking when I wrote it but it must have made sense at that time.

Quote of the Day 15 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

From the view of psychological factors in suicide, the key element in every case is psychological pain; psychache. All affective states (such as rage, hostility, depression, shame, guilt, affectiveness, hopelessness, etc.) are relevant to suicide only as they relate to unbearable psychological pain. If, for example, feeling guilty or depressed or having a bad conscience or an overwhelming unconscious rage makes one suicidal, it does so because it is painful. No psychache, no suicide. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Another tiring day of Pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another tiring day of pain

I woke up late today because I went to bed after 0100. I am glad I didn’t stay up till 0200 because that usually means I am up all night. But I slept good and till 0830. I think it was the first time I slept so soundly. I did wake up wanting coffee. I was hoping it would keep me awake but soon after I finished it, I was so damn tired. My ankle was also hurting me so I decided to take some pain meds. I stayed up only long enough to watch the first half of the OSU game. Then it was beddy bye time. I put my phone on vibrate and fell asleep. It was a good nap but now I feel like I can go back to sleep. I might just do that. Being in pain just wears you out.

I had a dream that I went back to the hospital where I worked. I had to go to the bathroom really bad but the first bathroom that I entered was out of order. There were leaks everywhere. I called maintenance before I tried to find another bathroom on the floor. I did and then I went to have supper with my mother. There was a ton of barbequed food on the table, ribs, chicken, pork. Some in one kind of barbeque sauce or another. As I started filling my plate, I woke up. No food for me. I did have to go to the bathroom really bad when I woke up so I went. As I went downstairs my mother told me she made pasta with sauce. I didn’t feel like having that. My stomach is feeling full. I wish I had the BBQ’d stuff, but that was just a dream.

I read this morning, “American Gods”. There is a lot of sex in this book. It should have come with a warning that it was very adult material. I am moving along in the book. Out of 500 pages, I just passed 200. It’s an interesting story but you still don’t know where you are going to end up. There is some kind of god war going on and so these people that have lived for hundreds of years are getting killed. The part I just read was about a mortuary brothers. One of the brothers did a form of autopsy. As he was doing so, he would cut slices of the liver, heart and other organs and then eat them. I shuddered. Gaiman is a very compelling writer. You don’t know what to expect when you are reading this book. They will be making this book a movie. I just hope they don’t show the part I just described. It will be too weird.

I told my psych that my PCP is leaving. She is sorry about it. She asked who was taking over and I gave her the name I was given. Maybe she can email her and break the ice for me so I don’t have to. We’ll see. Monday I have to call my repro endo doc to get more of the hormone pill as I ran out of refills. It’s been more than a year since I saw her and I hope I don’t have to see her again. She makes me nervous because she is nervous. I hate having to see her but I can’t get the pill from my PCP because the pill is to stop my periods and he isn’t familiar with that. I realized the pill isn’t even on my list of medications. I don’t know if it ever was on my list. Seems like every time I see a doc the list gets shorter or longer without my knowledge.

Tomorrow is my sister’s birthday. She will be celebrating it at the casinos. She asked if I wanted to come and I told her no. Can’t play if you have no money. I haven’t been to the casinos in a very long time. I think the last time I went was when my therapist told me she was pregnant and that was more than ten years ago. I don’t stay long. I drive down the two hours it takes to get here and then have my fun. When the money runs out, I leave. One time I went there and I won a significant amount on my first try. I wasn’t there for more than twenty minutes. I turned around and went home. I didn’t want to lose what I had won.

I have lots to tell my therapist. I just hope I have enough time to tell her. I texted her the majority of what I want to talk about. The big thing is going to be losing my PCP. That was so unexpected. The only good news is that I don’t have to transfer my medical records as it is the same practice I am seeing the new doctor. I hope the new doctor has a schedule I can fit into. It will suck if every month I have to be squeezed in because I am being accommodated. These are just some of the worries that I have. And I won’t know more until I see my PCP next month to get more information on how my pain management is going to go. That is my biggest worry right now.

Quote of the Day 14 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt

The most evident fact about suicidology and suicidal events is that they are multidimensional, multifaceted, multidisciplinary–containing as they do, concomitant biological, sociological, psychological (interpersonal and intrapsychic), epidemiological, and philosophic elements. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache