Category: Bipolar Disorder

Doc’s Rant

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Doc’s Rant

I received a letter today from my doctor’s office. Apparently, he is leaving the practice. I have worked with this guy for more than ten years. Now I got to work with someone I have never met. She is only interim until they find a replacement for my doc, but still, I have to work with someone new in dealing with my pain issues. I hope that she doesn’t give me a hard time about my pain meds and that I don’t have to have a three day supply because she is a “new” doc. My state just passed a law that all new patients on pain meds must have a three day supply of meds before becoming established. If that is the case, I am fucking screwed. I can’t survive a month on three days worth of pills. It’s not like I am technically a new patient as she is in the same practice as my doc but I will be new to her. I don’t know how this is going to work and it’s giving me tremendous anxiety. I feel like I should have killed myself last month so I didn’t have to deal with this bullshit.

I think I am going to have to make an appointment to see him anyways because my left eyelid is extremely itchy and dry. I feel like tearing it off, though I might just scratch it off. I don’t know if it’s dry because I have dry eyes or because I am chronically dehydrated. I know I am dehydrated because my pee is orange all the time. I just don’t drink a lot because I am afraid of peeing myself. I will usually have my 16 ounce coffee and then a 16 ounce drink, usually iced tea or lemonade with lunch/dinner and that will be all that I drink for the day. I might have more if I am thirsty but I never really get thirsty unless I am active. I will have sips of powerade when I take my meds. My night meds I tend to drink at least 4 ounces just to make sure I wash those suckers down. One of the pills I take is the size of a penny and I always have difficulty swallowing it so I always make sure to drink a lot to make sure it goes down. It’s usually the first pill I take so the others follow. I have a weird system of taking my meds but it works for me.

I don’t know what I am going to do with this new doctor. She doesn’t know me and I don’t know her. I tried looking her up on the practice’s website and of course, there is no information at all. I know she has been around the practice for a while because I have been at the hospital a long time before becoming disabled. I just never had her as a covering doc before, even if my doc wasn’t available. I usually got someone else in the practice. I like my doc because he is a good doc. He cares. Now I don’t know what I am going to do. If I don’t get my meds, they might as well sign my death certificate. I will die by suicide. The pain will just be too much like it has been tonight. I should be knocked out but the pain is still keeping me up. I can take another dose of meds in about an hour. I hated that I missed out on my sister’s party.

Someone gave my crazy cousin my number. She immediately asked if I had meds. That is one reason why I don’t keep in contact with her. She is looking for meds all the time, either to take or to sell. I can’t be associated with her. She is so pathological it’s not funny. I especially don’t like her because I told her about my voices and she made fun of me with her boyfriend one time. She is a jerk and always wanting attention. I hope she never calls me. I won’t answer the phone, now that I have her number. Just pisses me off because she used to be my favorite cousin and now she is scum. I am glad I didn’t have to deal with my father tonight. He is the last person I wanted to see today. I had enough of him yesterday.

My new favorite song is by Eric Church, Mr. Misunderstood. It is so fitting because I always feel like I am misunderstood. I even changed my Twitter name to the name of the song. I just hope the new doc understands chronic pain and is understanding. Otherwise, we are going to have problems. I really don’t want to have problems. It will just send me into a tailspin of depression. I am so nervous about seeing this woman. I haven’t had a woman PCP in years, not that gender matters. But the thing is, I just told my doc that I am transgender and that took a lot for me to tell him because I have been keeping it from him for at least three years now. And then he leaves? How am I supposed to process this??

it’s 0500

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It’s 0500

I woke up at 0500 today and it pissed me off. I have a hangover from the gabapentin and I will be making coffee shortly. I won’t be going to my “happy” place for coffee because I am making it at home. Starbucks still has the Sertraozinho coffee. They have plenty of bags. I might pick up another one when I get paid. I love this coffee because it’s like drinking a milk chocolate bar more than coffee. I could get it now but then my Starbucks funds will be depleted and I will be without funds until my next pay period in two weeks.

I didn’t dream. Usually when I take the Gabapentin, I don’t reach REM sleep, which is probably why I get a hangover. I feel really fuzzy. And I just took a small dose. I am glad I didn’t take two pills. The pain in my ankle is decreased but still there. I could take another dose and be a zombie all day but it’s my sister’s party tonight and I want to be somewhat conscious.

Last night before falling asleep, I was trying to read American Gods by Neil Gaiman. I must have gone through a few pages before I conked out. I hate when I leave in the middle of a chapter without a separation, but I had no choice. I just hope I remember where I left off. It was getting weird, not to say the book itself isn’t weird. I kind of wish I had the book rather than the kindle version. But the Kindle version is the one where he made adjustments and added a few words to it. So this version is longer than the book. It’s the tenth anniversary of the book.

Today is my Godfather’s birthday. He would have been 88 today. He died a few years ago. I can never remember the year. He died suddenly and in February. That is all that I remember. It really shocked his wife as he died in her arms. She was a wreck. Hell I would be too if that happened to me. I think I am going to call her sometime today to see how things are going. I haven’t talked to her since last year, I think. He was an important person in my life, always giving advice and telling stories. He suffered from Alzheimer’s so every time I talked with him, I had to tell him who I was and what I was doing as he never remembered. It was tough talking with him when he got to this stage.

Think I am going to make breakfast when I make the coffee. I am getting hungry. I haven’t had my egg sandwich in a while. I think I will make that. I really want pancakes but that is too much trouble. I make them from scratch, same with my oatmeal pancakes. The funny thing is the original pancakes and the oatmeal ones are similar. Only difference is that I use ½ cup of oatmeal instead of a cup of flour.

My mother was talking about my birthday plans. I told her I just want my immediate family with me. When I told my sisters this, they didn’t like the idea. My youngest sister is doing renovations in her kitchen and we usually have a party at her house because it is bigger than my other sister’s house. I really would like my father’s side cousins to be there but I understand that there will be no space. It’s all up in the air right now. Preferably, I rather not have a big party at all. I rather not celebrate. I am so depressed about my birthday it’s not funny. I hate it. And the fact that I am turning 40 just kills me. I never thought I would live this long. I have decided two things though. My sisters and I will be going out to eat to John Brewers and I want my cake to be a brownie with cool whip and cherries on top. I bought the mix so my mother doesn’t have to buy it. She just has to get the cool whip. It’s in a month so I don’t know how long cool whip stays for so I’ll have her buy it when it’s closer to my birthday. I wish I could see my therapist that day. But her schedule is kind of messed up because her kid gets out of school early so she is not going to be in the office the time of our appointment. It will be the first birthday that we aren’t celebrating together. If I get the Zipcar, I will see her but that is if I get accepted. I will know in a couple of weeks.

I am going to try and work on my story today. I played around with the new font that I want and got my book up to 50 pages. I just hope when I copy and paste it in the format thingy the font stays. I don’t know if you have to pay extra for it or not. When I had my first book it did copy over the Courier New font so I am hoping it will do that same with the Comic Sans. Formatting is going to be a bitch, it always is. I just hope I don’t have to revert to text and then doc to get this in the template that Amazon uses. It will suck so much. Like it did with my first book.

Other than that, I plan on doing nothing else. I am hoping to have an easy day and I hope my sister’s party goes well tonight. I made her a homemade card and I hope that she likes it.

Quote of the Day 13 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, psychology, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

The explanation of suicide in humankind is the same as the explanation of the suicide of any particular human. Suicidology, the study of human suicide, and a psychological autopsy of a particular case are identical in their goals: to nibble at the puzzle of human self-destruction. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Cold, Rainy, Crappy Day

When I left my house, it wasn’t raining, but it was still cold and crappy out. I got to my father’s and quickly did his meds because I wanted to go home before the rain started. The weatherman said it would start in the afternoon and it was quickly approaching that time. I left after some discussion with my father about why his T-Pass wasn’t working. Turns out, he never bought the monthly pass and he didn’t have enough money on his card. That was why his card didn’t work when he tried to go on the train. During this run around, it started raining and I was cursing my father for keeping me in his presence. Before this, he called me back to his apartment because his TV wouldn’t shut off. HOLY FUCK, are you kidding me? Turned out the batteries in his remote needed to be changed. UGH. I just wanted to go home, be under the covers and write.

I had my Brazil Sertraozinho coffee today. I was going to have Pike’s but the Brazil coffee was first and it was a long time since I had it. It came out perfect. If my back wasn’t hurting, I probably would have done a happy dance. I knew it was going to rain today by the way I was hurting. After having my coffee, but before I left for my father’s, I worked on my story. I changed the font to Comic Sans because I wanted that font for my book this time. I wrote and it brought the word count to almost 1200 and the page count to 3. I was happy. I could tell I haven’t looked at it since I wrote it because there were some grammatical errors and some words didn’t fit. Like I had along instead of alone. Don’t know how that happened, but I changed it none the less. Once I get up to at least 5 pages, I will print it out to edit it. I have decided that I am going to edit each story as it comes out so that when it’s all together, I am not overwhelmed with it like I was with my book. I am hoping I don’t need an editor this time around. I just can’t afford it. I have to find a new one too because my editor quit the business for whatever reason. There is a chance I might be able to get one through the writing class place I have been going to. They help writers so I am hoping they can help me when the time comes. I just need to have someone look over the piece when I am done with the collection to really make sure I am not obscure. I am hoping to get these pieces of work up to 200 pages. That is my goal. If it’s close to it, like 175 or so, I will be happy with that, too. I used my first semi-colon today because I had to. I never thought I would use it but it fit where I was writing. I know I am geeking right now, but I am just excited to finally get back to writing something. This book that I am working on will be a collection of short stories relating to mental illness.

I wanted to write last night but I was too tired and knew that if I did, I would be up till god knows when. As it is, I had crappy sleep, waking up every 2-3 hours. It was terrible and I took benedryl too. So much for that helping me sleep. I really wanted to take some Gabapentin but I will tonight. My pain was off the charts last night, which is why it took forever to settle down. I was also hungry, which didn’t help matters. I finally caved in and had some bread with sauce. It’s an Italian thing. I didn’t feel like making something because that would mean having to wash dishes and I am anti-dishwashing. I only do it if I absolutely have to or feel up to it.

I sold a book today in Europe. It’s my first European sale. I hope I get the royalties next month. Lately, if it isn’t in USD, I don’t get the money because my bank only accepts USD. It is a problem that I have with Amazon. I don’t know why they can’t exchange it when they deposit it in my account like they do for Kindle. Just doesn’t make any sense. I have called other banks to see if they would accept deposits other than USD and they don’t so I am stuck having my money sit in Amazon.

My mother went shopping today and my cousin just called me to tell me they are on their way home. I didn’t pick up because I am hurting too much to go up and down the stairs. He is healthy so let him do the stair climbing. There is no reason why he can’t, other than being a lazy fuck, which he is. I have already done too much today as I was walking around and standing waiting for the bus. I can’t do anymore today because I am already in pain. I am the one that is disabled, not him. If I wasn’t disabled, I would be working. They just don’t get how much the stairs kill my ankle. If I felt better, I would help bring the groceries in but I just can’t. Tomorrow I have to go out to my sister’s party. If I exceed my limit today, I won’t be able to go tomorrow. That’s not fair to her. I’ll just stay in my room until they leave. It’s my pain levels I have to worry about, not some groceries.