Category: Bipolar Disorder

Therapy and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I had my appointment with my therapist. I don’t really remember how it went. I wasn’t feeling good when she called. I had taken some pain meds earlier and still haven’t slept them off. I am really tired of being in pain. While I was waiting for her to call, I thought I was going to have an anxiety attack. She was a little late in calling me and thought I would just pass out on her during our session.

We talked about my writing and how I am having difficulty continuing with my story. She suggested writing an outline or my thoughts, but I have already done that. I shouldn’t have stopped writing but it was like 3 in the morning and I needed to get some sleep. I hate when my ideas come at such late hours. No wonder my sleep is always so fragmented. The thing that I am terrified in writing is that what if I write it and it doesn’t end up being the way I want to write it. I know that might be a silly thing to write, but it’s real. Something is holding me back and I don’t know what it is. And I can’t quite figure out if I want to finish this by hand or not. If I type it, it will be easier so I don’t have to struggle with trying to read my handwriting.

We talked about my father. I will be seeing him a lot this week. I saw him yesterday and I need to see him Thursday and Friday. Thursday is to do his pills and Friday is my sister’s birthday party. It’s always so stressful to see him. I am always in a hyper-vigilant mode because I never know what antics he is going to pull. She asked me how I deal with this. I honestly don’t know. As soon as I leave his presence, I sort of calm down but sometimes the feelings linger because as I am walking toward the elevator, he sometimes calls me back. It’s hard on me, physically, because his apartment is at the end of the hall in relation to the elevator. And God forbid he should meet me halfway or something. Why he doesn’t think of it while I am there with him, I will never know. Usually he wants me to check his mail for him. Drives me crazy. Then I am a nervous wreck until I can bitch to someone about his stupidity.

My therapist and I also checked in to see how this new system of talking is working for us. I think it’s working as I am being heard rather than being ignored or being talked to all session. I still have the fear that she is going to leave me. I think that is part of the reason I can’t continue with the story because if she leaves and I got to cut her out, it just is not going to end well. She read my blog that I wrote last night. She asked if there was more to it that we should talk about and I said that I just wanted to let her know how I was feeling. She talked more about how my needs are not being met and how we can accomplish that. Frankly, I don’t think needs are ever met all the time. They fluctuate in necessity and vary by day. But right now, I am feeling disconnected from people and I am not sure how that is going to change. I need peers/friends to talk to and I just don’t have any, other than those on Facebook and the blog world. I can’t really say Twitter because no one really responds to my tweets. Since being disabled, I haven’t seen one friend on a regular basis nor has my phone received a text or phone call from a former co-worker that I thought was my friend. It’s been three years. I email a friend that lives south of me and maybe once a month I will see another friend that lives also south of me. But there is no guarantee I will be able to see them due to my pain levels. I live a solitary life, even though I live with family.

My therapist and I did talk a little about the TG issue I had with my psychiatrist. I told her she has not addressed how I like to be addressed in any of our appointments. I am still thinking of a way to let her know via email. But I am not a tactful person. I think I am just going to ask her if she could do me a favor and call me G when addressing me and see where that goes. I won’t know until I try. But my fear of rejection is what is keeping me from going through with it. I know the worse she can do is say no, but that thought keeps me from trying. I have a good relationship with my psych. I have been seeing her for more than twenty years. I think it will be favorable but, like I said, my fear of rejection is greater than my willingness to bring it up.

Quote of the Day 10 Nov 2015

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychache, Quotes, suicidality, suicide

With some few clear exceptions, I am against suicide commited by other people, but I reserve that option for myself. Edwin Shneidman, Suicide as Psychache

Feeling heartbroken

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Feeling heartbroken

I know this is probably all the sleep deprivation as I have been up since 0500. Psychache is running high. I just feel like my world is falling apart and I don’t know why that is. I read a blog a little while ago. I like this person’s blog. She has a similar condition like mine. We have been talking for more than a year now. She wrote in her latest blog that she is planning on ending her life and that makes me sad to lose her or think of losing her. I know it is her right. I wrote that in my latest Quote for the Day. I am just feeling really emotional right now. I really want to cry.

I think spending time with my father has really warped my head. He was such an ass today. I was helping him do something, and he said thank you, but I don’t believe his sincerity. I have known him too long. Then I read something about Narcissists. Described my father to a T and I just read the first line of the article. My therapist says that I have a narcissistic injury because of him. I have no idea what that means. I will ask her about it tomorrow when I talk with her.

Since the turmoil with my therapist, I haven’t been able to write anything for my book. Doesn’t look like it will get done this year. I am stuck at page 30 and there I will stay. I just can’t think of anything to write. I want to finish the roots story but I am having trouble because my damn pen keeps running out of ink when I start working on it. I keep forgetting to replace the pen in my pocket in my jeans. I am such a loser.

Since my friend has been talking about how she wants to end her life because of pain, it stirred up my feelings on the matter. Before I read her story, I wanted to put a plastic bag over my head. It was laying on my bed, innocent as can be and I just had this rush of wanting to end my life like that. The feelings didn’t last long but it was there. I can’t deny it. I think of these things often, of ending my life, not putting a bag over my head. Yet I am for suicide prevention. I am such a hypocrite. I would stay up all night with someone if it meant saving their life but I wouldn’t reach out when I am suicidal. Sure I write on my blog. I vent about how sucky my life is. How I am in pain nearly every single day. That I am probably dependent on the pain medication I am on. I am not addicted. There is a difference between addiction and dependence. I don’t take more than I should of my medication. Sometimes I don’t even take it because the pain is just not that great. I am not saying I like being in pain, but why take a pill when my pain is minimal? It’s when it’s unbearable I take my pills. It might be too late by then but least I have something. My friend doesn’t have anything except MJ. Because of all the stupid damn bullshit around opioid use, doctors are scared to prescribe it to real chronic pain patients. I am always afraid my doc will stop prescribing my meds. That will be the day he signs my death certificate.

I read today that one of my Twitter buddies was looking for purpose. I often wonder if I have a purpose in this world. My therapist and psychiatrist always says that I do. But I don’t feel it. I don’t have a life worth living as Marsha Linehan would say. Actually, I don’t know what she would say. I know I just want to belong, to feel connected. I wrote something on Twitter and no one responded. I have my tweets also go to Facebook and got more responses. I have 500 Twitter followers and not one of them responded to my tweet. It’s like unless I include them in the tweet, it just gets ignored. I honestly don’t get the Twitter world sometimes. Yet I will say something profound and get many retweets and favorites. Go figure that out. I don’t think anyone cares what I say anymore.

psych appointment and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

I will be so damn happy when my baby is back in my possession. Stupid Excel is having problems loading on my old laptop. I wanted to update a few files and I can’t because it won’t open.

I went to my psychiatrist’s appointment. It went well, though I didn’t bring up the TG stuff. It slipped my mind as we were talking about therapy and my horrible sleeping. She suggested I take melantonin. I have been afraid to take this because I am afraid it will have the opposite affects. And most of the time you cannot take it if you are on antidepressants. But I am not on antidepressants so there shouldn’t be any interactions that I know of. She doesn’t think the meds I take are causing me to be hyper. So it must just be the Bipolar in me. I have never had regular sleep in so long. I used to be able to sleep 12 hour days but that hasn’t happened in a very long time. She also warned me that the hospital is updating their electronic records system so it might be difficult to get refills, least from her because I guess there is a lot of clicking involved. She doesn’t like this system but it integrates a lot of departments that will be useful to clinicians. I have heard it is a pain in the ass from other departments. She told me that one hospital it crashed for several hours. Nice system. But as I know from experience, there are always going to be bugs when a new system rolls in. We had that problem in the lab when we had our new system. It took a long time to log in one specimen. The system crashed due to memory problems. It could only hold so much data before it crashed so it had to be purged every eight hours or so and took a half hour to do so. It was ridiculous. But the system got better as years went on. Hopefully when this system is online, my psych will get used to it.

I have been up since 0500 and I am so very tired. I had breakfast before 0700 and haven’t eaten anything since, except for candy. I am too tired to make a sandwich. My mother told me we are having lentil soup for supper, so maybe I will also make a grilled cheese sandwich so I get full. I need a nap because I have been going since 0800. I went to my appointment and then had to go over my father’s to do an errand. When I get there he tells me his liver doctor called. I thought this was weird because all his doctors know to call me, not him as he gets confused and doesn’t understand what they are saying. He told them to call back at 1300 when I would be there. Well, 1300 came and went and I was tired of being around him. He annoys me so much. I have no idea who called him as I called the doctor’s office and spoke to the secretary. No one that she knew called him. I told him if they callback, to give them my number and left. Then I waited for the bus and this young kid was asking for change. He ran into his buddy and I guess he gave him money because he bought a drink and then left.

My ankle is not liking me right now. It’s really not going to like me as I have been going up and down the stairs looking for the FedEx and mail trucks. Neither have shown up yet. I am still waiting for a check to come to me. It’s been weeks that I have been waiting. I know it will come when I give up hope it will come that day. I really hope the FedEx truck comes soon. I really want to take some pain meds and nap.

I didn’t ask my psychiatrist if she still wanted me around. I guess sleep deprivation really makes you forget stuff. I am going to ask my therapist this question. I just don’t feel like I am worthy to be seen by them. I am so tired of living. It’s just too painful.