Category: Bipolar Disorder

Hot and humid and feeling exhaustipated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and humid and feeling exhaustipated

(note, I “stole” pic from twitter so might be taken down)

I thought the weather was going to be cooler, but I guess maybe tomorrow that starts. I had a rough time getting up. I woke up before my med alarm and I had all the intention of taking my meds but I didn’t until two hours later. I got up after I took them. My legs felt like jelly and within a few minutes, my back was cramping from standing. This didn’t bode well. I left my room to enter a steaming oven. This wore me out even before I got to the bottom of the stairs. I figure I would shave and shower. This took so much energy. My back get cramping and I was grateful the seat in the shower was for that, sitting, not a storage for shower things. I had to sit at least three times. Then one more after I dried off. I didn’t bother with clothes as it was too hot and I was sweating by the time I got back to my cold room.

I didn’t have too much time to rest on my bed. I cooled off as much as I could in the time I had. Then I got dressed. I had no idea what to wear. I couldn’t find the shorts I wanted to wear and what I wanted to wear needed to be washed. That sucked because my mother just did laundry yesterday. I would have to wait till the hamper was full again. I had spiked my hair after I showered because I wanted to see what it looked like. It was too short but doable. It looked ok. I used a cream thing rather than gel. Gel probably would have been better. I will use that for the wedding next week. I gathered my stuff and then went downstairs. I put on my socks and the brace for the sprain. Then went to the kitchen to get my cup and my mother needed something mailed. I didn’t want to go out. But I did anyways.

The bus was fricken late. I didn’t get to Starbucks until 1220. The bus left the station at 1137 and came around noon. It didn’t leave me much time to eat and write. I actually didn’t write as all. By the time I was done eating and catching up on social media and the game (Sox were playing at noon), it was time to go. I left for the train and my legs just did not want to move. I labored to the station. My hip felt like it was frozen. The heat was unbearable. I was just miserable. The stuffiness inside the station didn’t help. I rested for a bit before the next train came. I thought there was some kind of delay as the time thing said the train was “stopped.” Then the announcement came over saying the train was “one stop away.” That was new. No idea when the bozos came up with that junk. Kind of freaked me out a little thinking I would be late for my appointment even though I left early. I got off at my stop and waited for the bus that would take me to my therapist’s office. It is a 10 minute walk but in the heat and to conserve energy, I just been taking the bus, which is two stops away.

Therapy went well. I need to “be more angry”. I laughed. It just seemed really funny because it was so damn obvious. I don’t show my anger that often and when I do, I often cry because it scares me or I am too frustrated and angry and I just sob and shake. We ended up talking about the one time I beat my sister up and then I basically shoved my feelings up, never to be seen again. I know I fell into a depression but I couldn’t be beating someone up when I got bad. I felt horrible that I hurt my sister. I felt like a monster. I left the house that day and didn’t want to return. I hid at my solace place. I remember my friend and other sister were looking for me. I just hid. I didn’t care about going home. Home life sucked and I didn’t care. I just resolved never to show feelings again. Hence why I am in therapy and I have a disconnect.

I left his office and couldn’t walk back to the station. I waited for the bus. I had to walk to the elevator, which was kind of hard. I really had to hit the button a few times because it just wasn’t working. I didn’t want to go down the stairs. It is hard with two braces on. With the extra time that I took with taking the bus back, I didn’t think I would catch the bus home. Luckily, the bus was a few minutes late. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts. I thought I was going to die. There was an elderly couple in front of me and they were taking forever and another customer waiting. My back was killing me. When I got my things, I had to take a rest at the bus stop for a few minutes. I was dying from the heat and knew it was only going to be worse when I got in my house. I got the mail and it was hotter than hell in the house. I just wanted to be with my AC. My sister had some salad and spinach thing but I wasn’t hungry. I just dropped my things and went to my room to turn on the AC. I then ate once I was cold.

I hope I don’t have pain tonight. I put on a lido patch on my thigh as a preventative. I put diclofenac on last night. It helped some as well. Nice to know I have a few things to use. I can alternate. I am so tired. But I saw this pup with his head tilted and my heart melted. Puppeh, you can have whatever you desire, LOL (I know I have a blind follower, I don’t know what kind of doggie he/she is, maybe an English bulldog, brown with a black snout and pointed ears) I am a sucker for head tilts…

Buses, voting, and feeling accomplished

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Buses, voting, and feeling accomplished

I woke up about quarter to seven. I wanted to sleep so I fudged the med alarm so it wouldn’t go off. I took my meds. But I had a hard time falling back to sleep. I was feeling edgy. I had to make three phone calls and then go out to vote. I gave up trying to sleep around 9 and made my phone calls. None were able to do what I wanted. I am still waiting for a callback but I doubt I will receive it. I played with my phone for a bit and then got dressed to go to the Square. The bus came and I placed the order for my sandwich. I also ordered a donut because I haven’t had one in a while. When I got to Starbucks, I ordered my espresso as I had my cup. There is a barista there that is not nice and is always curt with me. I don’t know why. I just reply with kindness and thank yous. What else are you going to do when someone is being a bitch to you?

I had my breakfast and then wrote for a bit. I checked the bus schedules so I wasn’t stuck. I needed to take the bus down the street. Then one that went to the polls. It gave me about 45 minutes to an hour to write, which was plenty of time. I realized while I was writing, I should have typed up what I wrote in my notebook on the two things I have written. I might do it later, if I feel up to it. I need to put the notebook back in my bag as that is my “essay” notebook. It just writing that I write that eventually gets translated to blogs or letters to someone. Or just writing down my thoughts that are not journal related. Around 11, I left for the bus depot to begin the trek around town.

I got to my first stop ok. And the second bus came not too long after. I was glad. There was hardly anyone at the polls and I didn’t like the candidates. No one was running against anyone else hardly. I thought there would be questions on the ballot but there weren’t so I guess that will be the November election. I got my sticker and then went to the bus stop. That bus took forever. My app said it would be coming in 12 minutes, then it said 26 minutes. I have no idea how accurate this app is. I saw it in an article that it was supposed to be reliable than other apps but how could it go from 12 minutes to 26 and no bus had showed up?? There was no place to sit so I stood the whole time waiting. I wanted to catch the connecting bus home, which was at 1145. Around 1150, the bus came to take me down the street for the bus home. I didn’t get a monthly pass so was using money for all these buses. I thought transfers were free but I guess it is now 25 cents, which sucks. My mother wanted me to get the Walgreens flyer so I stopped there before going home.

My feet were killing me and I was sweating as it was so hot and humid. The house was worse. I think I sweated more when I was in the house than outside. I gave my mother the flyer and then went up to my room. It was around noon so only took me around 2 and a half hours being out. I had the AC going in my room so it would stay cool. I am fricken exhausted. I had to have lunch but it wasn’t happening until I cooled off. I thought about taking a nap but I couldn’t really as I was hungry. I had lunch and now I am thinking about a nap. I don’t know if I will sleep as my ankle is hurting me.

I am just going to chill the rest of the day until the Sox game. I might try and read a few chapters of Poe. Book was killing me last night. It kept throwing curves and I couldn’t put it down, even though I was so fricken tired. Then when I did, my damn leg jerked, causing my quad muscle to hurt really bad. I emailed my neuro to see if I could get lidocaine patches. I need something as massaging is not working. I emailed my PT the same thing. I have to send her another email because the pain program wasn’t able to do anything about my evals (one of the 3 phone calls today). I figure I let her know so maybe she can do something. I frankly don’t care either way as I just want it out of the way so I can say, ya, I did this and still hurt so can my dose be increased to the pain doc. I fucking hate him. He just annoys me because he doesn’t listen to me, at all. He also doesn’t think I have CRPS. I just want to smack him but assault charges aren’t worth it.

Sunday Blog 3 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 3 Sept 18

I wrote a blog via my phone in the WordPress app back in March. Someone recently commented on it and I replied. He replied. I read it to refresh my memory and found like two errors. I knew immediately it was done on my phone only because when I type “can’t” I sometimes hit the V so it becomes “vant”. The app nor my phone doesn’t correct like it should. I’d probably have to tell the smartphone to do it and frankly, I don’t care. If I catch it, fine. If not, I am a bad speller/writer LOL

I can’t believe I have only eaten a Chimichanga and an ice cream sandwich. I just haven’t been hungry this weekend. I am waiting for the hungry horrors to happen. I kind of want a salami sandwich but I don’t think there is anymore. My mother was supposed to make peppers and eggs for supper. She put in onion and I don’t like it with onion, only because she doesn’t caramelized them so they are not cooked enough for me. She never caramelizes the onions. I like cooked onion not half cooked. I tell her this and she just does what she wants. Fine, I will make something else. I might make tuna if we don’t have salami.

I haven’t done much today. I read a couple of chapters of Poe Shadow. This author is really killing me with his twists in the middle of the book. I have about 120 pages left so don’t want to drop it. I first read this book 11 years ago. Completely forgot about it but know that it was about Poe’s death. It is not jarring my memory at all but then books will do that if I don’t find them that interesting. Probably why this book just stayed on my shelf, untouched since I read it. I am trying to work my way through it so I can finish it. I want to read John Grisham’s Camino Island. I started reading it when I took my mother to her doctor’s appointment a few weeks ago. It seems interesting. It is different than his other books as it isn’t really a lawyer book. He always has the same style that I noticed throughout his books. I guess that is why I lost interest in reading him. It was just a different character and different scenes but same plot. I hope the Poe Shadow author isn’t the same. I just got his latest book, Dante Chamber.

Facebook and Instagram is down. I have to wonder if the Russians did it, HAHA. I am going to vote tomorrow, which means having to take 4 buses because my asshole cousin can’t do it. He is a barber and supposedly has three or four jobs. I wish I could believe him but when he said a color, I am not buying it. He hates doing color, supposedly. So anyway, I don’t have a ride to the polls. I think Lyft is giving rides for discount or free but I don’t have an account with them and I don’t want to. I have Uber but that is only so I can use the UberEats app.

My pain has been okay so far. Nothing as bad as yesterday. It is really hot out and humid. My house is an oven. And the pollen is ridiculous. I only spent a few minutes while eating and had sneeze attacks. I don’t know why because I took my allergy pill this morning. I knew it was going to be bad. I hate allergies. I can’t wait for winter when everything is dead!

Luke Combs Top Songs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Luke Combs top songs

I wanted to get my favorite Luke Combs songs in my top 25 playlist so I created a playlist with just those songs I liked. Beautiful Crazy and One Number Away are already on there but the others aren’t, yet. My app keeps track on how many times I play a song (I have no idea how) but I think it is cool. I saw an episode of Bones where Angela found the favorite songs of a passed coworker and they played those songs at his funeral/wake. I can’t remember who died as it has been a while and I never completed my seasons collection, mostly because I ran out of money for it.

I’ve been having a pain filled day. Started when I woke up with someone hammering the fuck out of my ankle and foot. I took a BT med, even though I just took my extended release one a couple of hours ago. I couldn’t handle the pain as it was just intense. I laid in bed hoping I would go back to sleep but I was too irritated and my mother had the kitchen TV on which went through my head like nails on a chalkboard. I think I got a migraine too, as I was sensitive to light and sound. I took my migraine meds before the headache came. It was hot but not sweltering, yet. I made bacon and then wanted to make my lemon loaf, but after I cooked, my ankle felt worse and I knew if I pushed through, I would pay for it. I prepared the lemons anyway. I tried to do it while sitting but the kitchen table was too high for me to get enough leverage to squeeze the lemons. It took 6 lemons to make a cup of juice. I zested three and hope it is enough for the loaf and the lemon bars I want to make. I couldn’t sit anymore or stand to zest more than three. I put things away, washed what I used, cleaned up, and then went to my room. I was soaked with sweat and had to change my shirt. I turned the AC on and tried to relax but then my mother called saying she was making spaghetti for dinner. Good. But I wasn’t hungry. She called again when it was ready and I still didn’t have an appetite. Past two days I barely ate.

I finally moved my bowels today. After a week of not being able to go. I still plan on taking some Miralax tomorrow to make sure I go. I can’t get backed up again. It hurts too much. I had taken a bunch of fiber pills and usually they work within a few hours but I was so backed up, it wasn’t working. I also didn’t want colon blow as my ankle was bothering me. I hope it is better tomorrow. If I can time it right, I might be able to make the loaf in the morning before it gets 90 degrees or more in the kitchen. I’ve been wanting to make this lemon loaf for so damn long but the house has been too hot to bake. I wish I didn’t sleep all day yesterday but I am glad I did as I’ve been so worn down with pain and not sleeping. This week I have back to back to back appointments the end of the week. I hope to be able to do something the next few days. I wish my mother would put in an AC but she doesn’t like the cold air. She had the ceiling fan on and made me shut it off because she felt cold. I don’t get it. I really don’t. I need it to be cold or I just melt. Wish I lost weight in the process but that is a different story.

One the followers I follow on Twitter asked if anyone was interested in writing a book. I responded that I had two book out on depression and suicide. No response. Another follower response and a publishing company contacts her. I was heated. Like what am I, nothing? I wouldn’t mind another publisher to get out there. It is a self-publishing thing so I have to do the promoting myself. Hence why I have done shit since 2016 when I published Darkness Always Wins. I have just sold like 3 copies on the website and maybe 12 via signed copies. A few I gave away to friends so they could read what I wrote and give feedback (which I never got). One friend said I had a bunch of typos and offered to fix the document but never got back to me. I use word so I don’t know what typos she was talking about. I don’t use the grammar function as I talk like I speak and if Microsoft doesn’t like it, too bad. I miss writing other than my blog. I wish I could go back to my story that is in my head but I feel so suicidal that I don’t think it is worth it. I just feel that even if I write it, I doubt I would want to share it with the world. Hell, just writing one page was emotional for me and I couldn’t go on. That was back in February. Haven’t touched it since. I might have added somethings to the outline I am using but that is all. I don’t think I touched that since maybe March. That was when I gave up hope and writing and pretty much was set on killing myself sometime this year. Time is still moving and I am still here. I am not liking it, at all. So I just word vomit on my blogs and call it a day.