Category: blogging

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

First Blizzard of 2018, AKA “Bomb Cyclone”

The snow was as predicted, around 15 inches in and around Massachusetts. My back porch has snow drifts that are up to about my neck. Snow is blocking the door. It will all turn to ice tomorrow as the temps are going to be like 12 degrees.

I have been turning my ceiling fan on and off most of the day because I was cold. Then the radiator would kick on and I would be hot again. Thankful I have heat as I am fortunate. During one of the off cycles of my ceiling fan, I heard a rattling of my blinds and movement among my drapes. There is a draft as my window isn’t insulated that much but it shouldn’t be rattling. I got up and pulled the blinds as sometimes when my window is unlocked, the top window sinks down. Sure enough, it was down by almost an inch. Crap. I couldn’t reach to put it up and lock the window so called my brother in law. I made way so he could get at it. Then decided to change the curtain rod my drapes were hanging from. One had bent and it was sagging. I didn’t want to hear a crash during the night when it finally gave way. I thought I would be able to put it up by myself. HA, I am funny. I could get one side up but not the other. I called my niece up to help me. She was able to do it in like 5 minutes.

The books that I had scattered around the window were on my bed. I figured I might organize them so they wouldn’t topple over. I thought of putting them in alphabetical order or by subject but after vacuuming the rug a little, I just wanted to get them off my bed as quickly as possible. I grouped likewise books together and then piled the shorter and thinner books on top I made three piles, hardcover, paperback, and my journals/notebooks. Least I will be able to find what I am looking for fairly quickly when I need it.

My mother is sick. She has some laryngitis thing going on. I hope I don’t get it. She was quick to point out that I should organize my whole room (because I 1) don’t have anything else to do and 2) I am “healthy”). We argued until I said I don’t want to hear it anymore. She says the same things when she gets into a mood and that I am “nothing” because I don’t do nothing, though she will deny saying this when you tell her how you feel. My ankle and back are killing me. I took a shower because I was full of dust and my feet were dirty. I had bought a shower mat and I love this thing. I should have bought one sooner. It is like a defatigue mat in the shower. I seriously do not have to worry about slipping, which is a good thing. I don’t think my mother has taken a shower in a few weeks though she washes up. I hope the mat helps her to be confident in the shower.

A harrowing day 2

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A harrowing day

I woke up around 5 am because my back was hurting from sleeping on it. It was hard to move and then I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was in pain. My foot was throbbing, but nothing too severe, least not yet. Around 7 I decided to go to Starbucks to get my coffee so I would have it for the weekend and some half and half. It was cold out but warmer than it has been all week. A major storm is suppose to start tomorrow morning.

I caught the bus and went to Starbucks. I was debating on trying the Yukon coffee, which I never had but is a medium roast, which is also what I like. Maybe I will try it next month. I got breakfast and a soy latte with 5 shots espresso. I didn’t want an iced drink as it was too cold out. Paying for the soy was expensive. It was like 8 bucks. I thought I would use my birthday reward but it didn’t go through. I will have to try again on Friday.

I wanted to get some cheese at the grocery store but there was no one at the deli counter. I wanted to catch the bus so I just got the half and half and some English muffins. I was able to catch the bus home. The bus was roasting. I was so hot with my heavy jacket on. I was almost home and my ankle cramped up in the spot that is giving me trouble. Luckily, walking it off helped but left my ankle feeling sore. I went up the stairs and put the things I bought away. For some reason I kept having to go downstairs and talk with my mother because she was still having problems with the TV remote. I also told her the nurse would be coming. The nurse had called me because my mother’s phone is not working. Verizon was supposed to fix it but I never got a call. Around 1130, I called them to find out what was going on because I received a text saying the issue was resolved but I had no internet and my mother’s phone was still not working. The woman said the tech was still working on the problem and would call when it was finished. The tech never called but things were fixed.

My ankle had flared up soon after I called Verizon. I was really irritable and depressed. I was also having a lot of dark thoughts which I wrote about while the internet was down. All I did was take two steps toward the sink to wash my utensils. That was all my ankle needed and it was out of commission. I got very distressed and angry. I am so sick of being in pain. Nothing was getting rid of the pain. I took my meds and read twitter and facebook. I posted some stuff on both medias. I looked at cute pics of kittens and dogs. Nothing was helping. I took some more meds and then an Ativan as I was ready to do something, anything, to rid me of pain or my life, I didn’t care. I think the Ativan calmed me down enough so I was thinking crazy thoughts. Finally the meds worked and my pain was lower than it was. I decided I was going to order pizza and fries rather than get a haircut.

I am very tired as I have been up so early. I never took a nap because I was so anxious. I couldn’t settle down. I kept reading about the storm that is approaching. I hope it doesn’t blow our roof off or damage it more than it is. One of our roof tops is in need of replacing. Hope it stays together with the high winds we are supposed to have. I don’t like high winds as it feels like it is going to blow the house down or something. I closed my window and am just running the ceiling fan. Otherwise it just gets too hot in my room.

I think I am going to go to bed early. I was going to watch some more MASH but I don’t think it will be a good idea. I might read to get my mind off my worries over the next few days. I might not be able to see my psychiatrist Friday if it is very icy out. I sent her an email about being irritable and that I hope to see her at our appt. I don’t see my therapist until Monday so I am hoping the street will be better by then. His office building is on a main street so it should be clear and hopefully ice free come Monday. I just don’t know when the snow will stop tomorrow and if there will be enough time for people to shovel to remove it before it all turns to ice.

Protected: dark thoughts continue

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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drifting off yet staying awake

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Drifting off yet staying awake

Pain is really making me suicidal tonight and a crying mess. I had my Chinese food from a new place. It was really good except I didn’t like the peppers in the General Gau. It was spicy and the sauce was sweet and sour in good proportions. I really liked it. It made me less irritable. But after I came back to my room, I had a meltdown as the pain increased and the tears flowed. There was nothing I could do to stop them. I just gave up trying to hold them back. I wrote some things on FB, on my wall and in my support group. I talked with one member privately. She understood what was going on.

I honestly don’t know if I am going to survive that much longer. I need to probably make an appt with a pain doc and hope I don’t get some shmuck resident. I have no idea when I will be able to get an appt. I know it probably won’t be soon.

I am very tired of dealing with this and many things. It is just exhausting dealing with pain every night and not being able to come up with a combo that works. I took a high dose of gabapentin as the nerve pain has started. The side and top of my foot are on fire. Least with the physical pain, I knew with in an hour or two, the pain would subside. Not so much with nerve pain. I never know when it will subside. But least it helps me sleep some.

Hope tonight is not a game night where I take my foot out from under the blankets, wait for it to “cool” off and then put it back under the blanket night. I hate that game. I also hope the lying down and sit up game isn’t played tonight either. I do have to say that I have been sleeping slightly better with the new body pillow I got for my birthday. I really love it. My shoulder loves it too as I am not using it as a pillow as much.

Going to try this thing called sleep. Hope it works for me and I get a few hours, maybe more, that is if the orange toddler doesn’t press his bigly button and cause a catastrophe. Don’t know when his supervisors are going to take his phone away, or better yet, Twitter takes his account away. But that is a subject for another day. Night folks…