Category: chronic physical pain

Foul mood continues

I was in a really bad mood the past few days. Pain was at an all time high early in the evening last night, like around 5 pm. I was in so much pain I wanted to take my night meds and a melatonin just so I could sleep. But I didn’t fix my med boxes so I had to do that. I waited until the pain med took some points off before standing up again. Of course, that made the pain come back. After I did both boxes I relaxed a bit and was in complete misery.

I posted on Twitter something to the effect of how rotten and semi suicidal I was. A social worker that I befriended sent me a DM and we talked for a bit. I kind of unloaded on her and how I wasn’t seeing a therapist at the moment. She said she would try and help, if she could. She told me she was an attempt survivor so understands. I was careful not to reveal too much about my plan. We talked about my mood and stuff. She says a DBT or CBT therapist would be helpful as well as a DBT group. I have no idea if there are any around anymore. The local mental health service in my area had one but they moved or were taken over by a company, which I have been referred to. I am just waiting until I am a little bit more steady on my feet before calling as traveling there is a hike. I would have to take a bus to the station then a train then another bus to the place. This is in the city next to mine. There is a location in my city but I honestly have no idea how to get there as it is a few blocks behind a bus stop that can only be reached via the Square. I cannot walk the several blocks from my house to the end of the road to catch it so I would have to go to the Square to pick it up. I haven’t taken the bus since they closed the bridge. I wanted to go there today for a haircut but I woke up in pain so haven’t done anything today except pick up my prescriptions. One is still pending and another is too soon. I have no idea if it will be in stock at the new pharmacy that I detest right now. I was telling the girl at the old pharmacy that I was thinking of going to another chain and she jumped down my throat saying I couldn’t do that. I just looked at her like, are you kidding me? I can go where ever I want. Sorry.

My mother made hamburgers tonight and I hope my stomach doesn’t do flip flops later on tonight. It wasn’t really greasy so I don’t think it will, I hope so anyway. I had finished off the custard pie I made the other day. That was my Breakfast/lunch. I wanted to grab a few slices of pizza but my mother said she was making burgers. Maybe I will get them tomorrow. I need to go to stop and shop after PT to get some Powerade. I am out and only have half a bottle of Gatorade left. I won’t be able to get groceries until Thursday. My PT is not going to be happy I didn’t do my exercises all week. I just couldn’t between feeling down and recovering from back to back days of trying to clear out my office and going to PT. I was down for three days. Saturday I did a lot of standing clearing out more than a few drawers of stuff. I got to clear out this big box I have in my room. My black bins can go in that space. I will have to find another spot to throw my jeans and sweatpants for outside. I then have to clear out the space in front of my window so my file cabinet can go there. I think it can fit there but I am not sure. I have no idea where my bookcases will go. My mother wants me to keep my leather chair but I don’t. She won’t let me have it in the living room so why keep it? Then she says when the two rooms are built for my sister, I will have the room again. I don’t give a fuck anymore because I am not going to be around. So they can figure it all out when I am gone.