Category: depression

Pens and Coffee

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, suicidality

Pens and Coffee

I waited almost an hour for the bus to the square today. It was snowing and freezing cold. Luckily, it wasn’t windy or it would have been more cold. I don’t know why the bus was late. I didn’t get the text alert for it being late until I got to my destination. If I didn’t have to put in some paperwork for my student loans, I wouldn’t have ventured out today.

Starbucks had a new latte, which I had today. It was different than a normal latte. I added hazelnut syrup to it so it had some taste. The barista that made it has not tried it yet and wanted my opinion. Once you got past the overwhelming espresso taste on the first sip, it was pretty good. It is called a Flat White latte. It was expensive though, so I don’t think I will order it again. It cost about a dollar more than a regular latte. I am still waiting for them to come out with a good Clover coffee. They have new ones and I want my java back! I hope the spring time coffees bring it back. I miss having a Clover coffee.

There was hardly any seats available at the place when I got in. An old man was hogging up three seats across from him. He got very rude and indignant when I tried to sit down in from of him. I told him he was wrong and walked away. Luckily, a person was leaving so I took her seat, at the end of the long table. I couldn’t believe the nerve of that guy. He made me very angry. He could have been more polite and I think that is what made me angry, his rudeness.

After I settled in my new spot, I got out my reading material and notebook for the blog post. I then realized I forgot to bring a pen with me. I can’t believe I left the house without a pen. It’s like the AMEX card, I never leave home without one. But this time I did because I changed jeans and didn’t check the pockets before leaving my room. Luckily, my bag had my favorite pen. It had actually several, which was good. The first pen I chose however was blue ink and I can’t stand writing in blue when the rest of my notebook is in black ink. Yes, I am particular about the inks and pens I use. The second choice was the one kind that I have been using the past several years. I use Uniball Jetstream pens, black ink, for the past several years. I love them so much, I that it is the only type of pens I buy. I used to buy different kinds, from gel inks, ball point pens, etc. but now have settle on the Jetstream brand. I was browsing through Amazon and found that they came out with a BLX kind that I am hoping to get my next paycheck. These have different color tops but are the same black ink. They look really cool! But I digress…

I did some work on my blog post. It is so hard trying to write about this stuff because it means so much to me. I hope the Mental Health Professionals (MHPs) that read this blog take some information from it and use it in their practice. I have realized today, that it’s not going to be a short blog. There is no way it can be. There is just too much information to share. I love working on this as it is refreshing my memory on what it’s like being in research. And I am learning more about the SSF’s inner workings than ever before.

Today, while I was sitting at Starbucks, I had a pang of suicidality. I can’t help but think why am I still here. I don’t want to be here, at all. Yet I continue to be alive for whatever reason. My writing partner said that I am here because I have things that keep me here. I will also be fighting my suicidality, which is the main reason I found the SSF and Jobes’ work. I really don’t think I will be here if I didn’t find that article by Dr. Shneidman. I would have fell into despair and given into the statistics of all the reasons why I should be dead. Because, after all, everyone is a statistic in one shape or form. But as my writing partner and therapist have stated, I am the outlier. I still haven’t figured out where that point of data lies though..

Email Problems

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

Email problems

So apparently I am no longer getting notifications of my MSN account to my phone and Google Chrome doesn’t notify me either of new messages. I sometimes get a message when I sign in my laptop, but that doesn’t happen all the time. My psych emailed me back and I think she was pissed that I was frustrated with her. Now I am miffed. Prior to me sending her my last email, I sent her 2 and had no response. So yes, I am frustrated with her and feel like she isn’t answering my emails. I told her I miss her and something to the effect like email contact just sucks. It has been almost three months since I last saw her. We used to have biweekly contact so not hearing from her kind of stinks. (For those that are new reading my blog, she broke her hip before Halloween.)

I haven’t done anything today except play my annoying game, which just sent out a new timed mission. I haven’t clicked on it to see what it is about. I might forgo it.

I just got a migraine from hell. I think I used too much pepper in my eggs that I had for lunch. My head is killing me. I really want to nap but I already slept till 2 today, after being up at 545 am. I fear that if I sleep, I will wake up around 2100 and then I won’t sleep till who knows what hour. Maybe I should have some coffee. I haven’t had any caffeine today so maybe that is why I got the migraine from hell.

Once the migraine goes away, I think I will type up my notes for the blog post that I am working on. Funny, I had a dream that there was a CAMS chat on Twitter in a few days time and I was like I have to do this blog before then, in like two days time. I was with a high school friend and she got annoyed that I was ignoring her when I got the tweet about the chat. We were in my house that I grew up in. I don’t know why I keep dreaming about this house. Seems like every dream lately has this house in it. I am either in the kitchen or living room in these dreams. So strange. Got to ask my therapist what it means when I talk with her tomorrow. I hope we have time for everything I need to talk with her about. We also have a session on Wednesday in case we do run out of time. Seems like every time she goes away, things build. I try writing her letters and mailing them when she is back in the office. It really stinks not seeing her, too. But I got to see her on my birthday so that was good. For those new reading my blog, my therapist is 30 miles away from me and I don’t have a car. She used to have an office in the town next to mine, which is where we first started seeing each other. But then she had a child and it was difficult commuting back and forth, especially during the harsh winters we have been having. She doesn’t have email so I snail mail her letters. I just got her to start texting me back, so that is some progress, technologically at least. I know she has an iPhone but doesn’t know how to use it. I think it is a 3 and as long as it works, she is not going to upgrade. I really wish she would someday get email but she barely has time to read my blog post some days.

Fuck it, I think I am going to take a nap.

CAMS preview

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, blogging, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychology, psychosis, suicidality, suicide, suicide attempt, suicide attempt survivor

Jobes

For those wondering, here is what a future blog post of CAMS is about. I will be writing more about this and the SSF in greater detail.

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in chronic physical pain, depression

Ohio State Wins Sugar Bowl!!

I didn’t write yesterday because I was so sleepy. I was only to up enough to watch part of the 3rd and 4th quarter of the OSU game. I saw the INT Bama threw that lead to a touchdown. I knew they were going to win then. This team is unbelievable. They beat the #1 seed in college football. I love them! I will be getting an OSU hat next month when my check comes in. I need it.

I don’t know if I will be going out today. I woke up with pain, not horrendous but enough to wake me up. And now my stomach is playing rolly polly. I feel so sick. I hardly ate anything yesterday, just a ham sandwich. Then I ate around midnight when I was watching the game. I had a bowl of cereal and then a bagel. I also had some chocolate. I think the chocolate is what is upsetting my stomach. I had some the other morning and for some reason, I got really sick after I ate it. It’s German chocolate, from Germany, that my friend gave me for Christmas when I saw her the other night. Chocolate has never caused me to feel sick, ever! I hope I am not getting a stomach bug. That would be terrible.

Four days till I talk to my therapist. I can’t wait. We have much to discuss and catch up on. I feel like it has been ages since we last talked but it has only been a week. I have been writing her letters which I hope to send out today. I just hope my stomach settles down. I also want to work on the blog thingy about the SSF and CAMS. I wrote to my therapist about the difficulties I have been having with this blog. I think I am putting too much pressure on myself because I want it to be liked by the mental health professionals that follow me on Twitter. I value their opinion very seriously. I think that is why I have been having a hard time writing. It’s because I don’t know what they are going to think that is bothering me. But I haven’t written anything so what is there to judge!? I think I am just stressing myself out for no reason. Once I have the paper written, then I can freak out. I just wish I could have the first sentence written so I can start the damn thing.

I need to take a shower today. I don’t know when it will be but I do need one. I can’t remember the last time I showered, which is a good reason to take one! I brushed my teeth yesterday. I changed my toothbrushes but even though they say “soft”, they feel hard. I might have to buy new ones.

It’s cold out, like 33 degrees but it feels like 28. I hate the cold, only because it can cause cramps in my back. I will be waiting for the bus for at least twenty minutes. That is a long time in the cold. I guess I will wear my Georgetown hoodie with my jacket. If I knew where I put my OSU hoodie, I would wear that, especially since they won last night. I don’t remember when I last wore it so it could be anywhere, in my office or in my room. Those are the only two places it could be. I haven’t seen it in my room so most likely it is in a pile of clothes in my office. One of these days, I will organize my clothes and hang them up and put it in the closet.

Today is a regular business day so the buses should be running on weekday schedule. I really don’t feel like having a latte though. Maybe I will make some chamomile tea before I leave the house. It is still early to be going to Starbucks. I have been up for two hours, playing my game and writing this blog.

I think I am depressed because I slept all day yesterday. I was just so damn sleepy. But then, I really didn’t sleep well the night before. I kept having to go to the bathroom every couple of hours, either to do #1 or #2. I didn’t even take anything so I don’t know why I was going at the wee hours of the morning. But when you got to go, you got to go!

I am so happy OSU won. I think there is one more championship game next week they will play. I don’t know if it is a bowl game or not. But I will find out soon enough.