Category: depression

agitated ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I didn’t have therapy today. I was hoping a spot would open up but it never happened. Now I have to wait till Tuesday to talk to my therapist again. This sucks. I had a very busy day and need to talk about it.

I took my father to his appointment and surprisingly, he didn’t cause my already high blood pressure to skyrocket. I went to my appointment and just as I thought, my PCP increased the new blood pressure medication that I am on. Luckily, I was spared the weight issue/reprimand.

I have been feeling anxious all day. I have been up since 0530 and I can’t seem to calm down. I took an Ativan when I took my morning meds, hoping that would calm me down some but it hasn’t. I don’t know why I am such a friggen wreck. I am wicked tired, actually, I am beyond tired. I know that I won’t be able to rest as I am too restless to stay still long enough to sleep. I just have been going all day. I had a bad dream that caused me to wake up at 0530. I don’t remember what it was about now. I know it had to do with my mother. I just hope the dream doesn’t come true.

I think most of it has to do with the transgender piece I wrote yesterday, not the public version but the password protected one. I don’t think my therapist has read it yet and I am nervous about it.

I got an email from my pdoc asking if I can come in earlier tomorrow and I am like whoa, our appointment isn’t until next week. I really don’t want to do ANYTHING tomorrow because my leg is acting up. I got the nerve pain zaps last night and my foot has been on fire since it happened. I haven’t been able to calm it down because there is nothing I can take for it. I need a day to rest after I spent most of the day in my AFO brace (ankle/foot orthotic). My leg is also angry at me because my PCP had to press on my leg to see if it hurt. Fucker. Now I have to take my pain meds to quiet that down too. I am just going to have a party tonight with my meds and see what works and what doesn’t. I got to get rid of this anxiety first though. I think I will take an Ativan and hope for the best. Then I can take the nerve pain med and hope it puts the fire out in my foot. It sucks to have your foot constantly burning and knowing there is nothing you can take for it. I was driving today so I was limited in what I could take. It is just driving me crazy and I know that is probably one of the reasons why my anxiety is up and why I am so restless. I just can’t sit still. But writing has given me something to focus on, least for the time being.

I don’t really feel like I am hypomanic as I do not have a good mood. I am still really depressed. This agitation is killing me though. I think I am going to take some of my nerve pain meds and see if that calms me down. If it doesn’t, I will take an anti-psychotic. I just cannot stand being like this. And I really want to take a nap, though it is getting close to bed time so I probably shouldn’t. UGH!!! So frustrated.

I am happy that my PCP didn’t restrict the number of pills I got for my pain meds due to my psych hospitalization. He asked if I did something and I told him no. He doesn’t need to know what lead to the hospitalization, just that I was there because my blood pressure was crazy! This is the second time that my blood pressure was out of control during an inpatient psych visit. I don’t know if it was because of the stress that I was under or what. But I do know that I need to lose some weight to keep it under control with ONE medication rather than two. My biggest fear is that I will become hypotensive (low blood pressure). But I have been monitoring my bp at home so I don’t think that will be a problem. I take my blood pressure twice a day and the pressure seems to be worse at night. Happened while in the hospital too so no change there. Though I did want to slap one of the mental health workers when she asked me if I was drinking enough. Stupid dumbass. My pressure would be low if I was dehydrated. And I drank lots while I was in the hospital. Mostly ginger ale and juice cocktail (OJ and cranberry juice). I wish I could have had some vodka with the juice sometimes. I swore I was going to have a shot of gin when I got out but I still haven’t had it. I lost the feeling for drinking. Plus, it doesn’t mix with my pain meds.

I took my nerve pain meds. It better knock out the stupid burning pain that I am experiencing. I don’t usually have this type of pain. I usually have a physical type of pain that is helped with pain meds (narcotic kind). The nerve pain meds are not narcotic. And it doesn’t make sense since I have increased my mood stabilizer as that also can knock out nerve pain. Man, things are really messed up. I am on too many meds. I got to find a way to get off them.

ramble 072

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, transgender

Ramble 072

I had my therapy session today. She was overwhelmed with the amount of letters I had written to her while I was in the hospital. We talked a lot about what transpired in the hospital while she was on vacation. I don’t remember if the letters contain what my stay was about, chances are they will give more detail than I can remember.

After my appointment, like my routine goes, I went to Starbucks and actually did write up the short story I wrote while in the hospital. I was hoping to add to it while typing it out but no such luck. I just have a little over 500 words. I don’t even think you can call it an essay.

I forgot how I wrote the short story piece. It was very personal and yet depressing, leaving me feeling like I was boxing myself in on purpose. But it wasn’t clear why I was doing so. Sure, I gave a few reasons but it still wasn’t clear what it was that was causing the pressure to build up, fueling the suicidal feelings and depression that went with it. I know that if I answer this question, I might be able to write a longer piece to place it in my short story book. I am not going to publish it as a blog because I want some part of my book not to be blog entries. Right now, ALL of my second book are blog entries. I know, real original.

I didn’t walk too much today than my normal route to and from Starbucks. I did have to stand a bit while waiting for the bus that was late. It didn’t come till almost 20 minutes later. That is a long time for me to be standing. Luckily, I bumped into a former co-worker and we chatted while we waited for our respective buses. But I guess standing for that length of time, my leg is hurting me. And I still had the block and half walk home from the bus stop. My foot and ankle are swollen like I have been on them all day and they hurt. I just hope it doesn’t keep me up at night like last night and the night before last. I have been waking up in the wee hours of the morning in pain. Last night I waited out my night time meds and I was still up till three in the morning. Luckily, my niece came to my room around 9 to say her good-bye to me. She is leaving for college today and will be now spending time in her dorm. She is not far, she still will be in Boston just not at home so often. I still haven’t wrapped my head around it. I miss her terribly already and she has only been gone since this morning.

I am feeling depressed today but I have forced myself out of the house today and I felt a little better. I was able to get a seat at Starbucks, one with a table for two rather than the large common table to write. I was sitting on the bench side but had to move to the chair because the cushion was like a water bed. Every time someone moved, you moved with it. It was making me seasick. I am glad I forced myself to get out of the house. I wasn’t sure if I would be able to do it after my therapy appointment because I was down and tired afterwards. Therapy can be draining at times. Though today it wasn’t that bad because I was just getting caught up of what was going on while I was in the hospital. She too frowned at the thought of the case manager (CM) trying to stop me from being a suicidologist. In fact, with me writing another blog for the AAS, I am sure she (the CM) would be having a fit right now. But I am free from her clutches. She just doesn’t understand suicide the way I do. She thinks it is triggering. But really it is not, if you see things in a clinical type of way. And I mostly read professional articles on suicide, not so much people’s blogs about how they attempted to kill themselves or that they are going to kill themselves. I know my blog is about that. But it is my blog and I will write what I WANT. No one is going to tell me what I can or can’t write when it comes to my personal experiences on suicide. I struggle too much with the thoughts to give a damn what people think and if it is too much for them, then go find another blog to read. There are many out there that has nothing to do with suicidal thinking or chronic pain or struggles with being a transgendered person.

In fact, I am struggling right now with the TG issue because I had to stop my birth control pill to have a mense. I was getting too many days of discharge and it had to be done. Supposedly, I am only supposed to go three months on and one week off then continue. I can go for up to four or five months without having to have a break. And I am hating it because I have to wear female clothing and feminine products. Not to mention the bleeding that messes with your mind. But no one understands this except another FTM (female to male) person. I really need to find another transgendered person to talk to about this because it really does a number on me mentally. I know they exist somewhere. So if another blogger knows of one, please comment so I can get to know you, if you are comfortable doing so.

pain and sleep ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Got things done today

Last night I started the process of changing the bedding and sheets on my bed. See, half of my bed I use as my “office”. It has books, journals, my laptop and a couple of other items. So clearing it off was the real problem to changing the linen. Once I did that, I got the comforter off the bed and washed it. I knew it would take a couple cycles to dry in the dryer. I already had a set of clean sheets. Trouble was that today after I took my shower, I didn’t want to do anything. I had a rough night sleeping and thought a shower would wake me up. It had the opposite affect. But once the comforter was drying, I knew I had to change the sheets. I forced myself to do it and it went quicker than I thought it would. Usually I only have one clean set of sheets because I always put the clean sheets somewhere and forget where I put them. But the last time I washed my sheets I put them in my bureau where it wouldn’t get lost and hopefully the clean smell would stay on it. Score for me.

This is hard because it always hurts my back when I do change the sheets. It would be easy if I didn’t keep my bed as an “office” but it is easier to work from my bed than from a desk. I know sleep docs would have a fit if they knew. But I won’t see them as I know my problem with sleeping comes from my mood disorder than any other cause. Last night, I slept a few hours and was up at 0230. I wrote a nice blog, something about demons and that is all that I remember of it. I was in a lot of pain when I wrote it and also was a little drugged up with my pain meds. But I had to write. It was the only way I would get back to sleep. Around 7ish, I was finally ready to call it a night. I wish my sleep schedule would be normal but when I am in pain, all bets are off. And I was in so much pain last night it woke me up. Then I started getting cramps in my neck that just wouldn’t allow me to go back to sleep. It was a really bad night. Probably the worse since being home from the hospital. And I was so angry at my treaters. Angry that they had kept me alive. Angry that I was in so much pain and couldn’t sleep. Angry that I couldn’t vent with someone because it was 3 in the morning. I was so WTF at everything.

I am to have a lunch date with my aunt this week. But I don’t think it is going to happen because I have my appointment with my PCP this week. It’s an appointment I am not looking forward to. My blood pressure is still borderline high to high at times. It seems to be worse in the evening. I don’t know why. I will mention that to him as well. He isn’t going to be happy with me because I gained a few pounds while in the hospital. I have been trying to work it off but it’s been so difficult as all I want to do lately is sleep because my nighttime sleep schedule is so fucked up. Maybe I will go for a walk tonight. It can’t hurt. Well, I suppose it can. I just never know what will jack my pain up. Sometimes it is over activities. Sometimes its doing NOTHING but resting. I just don’t get it. I know that if I go up and down the stairs more than a few times, I will hurt. My ankle just doesn’t like the normal flexion it is supposed to have. But I really have no idea why I woke up in excruciating pain last night. I am so baffled. I know part of it is because I was sleeping on my left side (I usually sleep on my right). But I was in a deep sleep and for me to be woken up in severe pain, I just don’t get it. I wish I could talk to some doctor about it to help me figure it out. My PCP is useless when it comes to trying to figure out my pain. But then, he is not a pain specialist. And the pain specialists don’t have any answers for me either. So I am stuck with figuring it out on my own. I need to become a pain expert and study pain but the brain is so damn complicated. I am lucky if I remember the structures of the brain. I can’t even remember the amygdala from the gyrus. It has been too long since I looked at it and its pathways. My memory is not the same as it once was. I used to have photogenic memory. Now, I am lucky to remember things such as when I had lunch or breakfast.

They say not to use the word “demons”

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression

They say not to use the word “demons”

In recent news about suicide, attempt survivors are asking that the word “demons” not be used and that the real “thing” be used. I forgot the term as it was many days ago and I don’t have that much of an attention span that I used to have. It got me thinking about my blog as the word “demons” is used.

I don’t really care what these people say, I am still going to have my blog and though I don’t talk about the “demons” in my blog, I mostly talk about how I feel, which is often suicidal. These suicidal tendencies often come out in the middle of the night, when I can’t sleep, and when I am in pain. I would write some horrible stuff and get a lot of people concerned.

Tonight the “demons” are out. I am hating everyone that has kept me alive the past few weeks. Though I could kill myself now. It doesn’t make a difference with the time frame. I am in excruciating pain and just want to end things. I am so tired of fighting pain. It used to be just psychological that the fight was about. Now, it is both physical and psychological and I am sorry but I can’t keep fighting both. It is too hard. I know that I will feel better in the morning, when I get a few hours of sleep. But right now I could write an email to my psychiatrist and tell her how much I hate her for keeping me alive. I could text my therapist with the same hate. But instead of doing that, I am just going to blog until I fall asleep.

What makes my life so special that I can’t commit suicide? Robin Williams was special. He did the deed. So do a lot of people, every year. They say that 39,000 people will take their life in a year in the US. And the number of attempts are in the hundreds of thousands. Or maybe it is a hundred thousand. We just won’t know because it is so underreported. Many people survive their attempt and often don’t seek medical attention afterward. It is so hard to kill the human body. It boggles my mind when I hear of homicide, though. Seems like that should be higher than suicide but it is not (and please correct me if I am wrong).

But aside from the global effect of Williams’ death, I still feel like it is my turn to die. I really don’t want to live knowing I am going to be in pain the rest of my life. It’s too much of a burden to think about. But I am lucky that all I need are a few pain pills to ease my pain. It doesn’t get rid of the pain entirely, but just enough that it takes the suicidal feelings away. I just took these meds but it takes a half hour or more to work. Chronic pain is a big risk factor for suicide. I know because I live with it every day. My treaters know that. That is why I am hating them at this moment. My foot is throbbing up a storm. I don’t know if it has to do with the weather change. My body can’t tolerate huge gaps of temperature changes. But I have no control over that and I am not about to move to another state. Yes, moving to California might help my pain but it will be isolating because I have a few friends there and most of my family are here. Isolation and being suicidal do not mix. That is why I stay at home. It is a preventative factor for my suicidal brain.

I don’t know why I am up at 3 in the morning. I woke up in pain and still my pain meds have not kicked in. The “demons” are still around me, wanting me to try and take my life. But that will involve getting out of my cozy bed and I am too tired and in too much pain to do so. I guess you can say I am too lazy to take my life. So I write about it instead. I won’t write about the methods that have been swirling around my brain. But one of them include the method Williams chose. He is a brave person. It takes a lot to kill yourself. I am not giving him praise, the media has already done that. But I am happy for him. People in the hospital didn’t understand that. And maybe you might not either. I am happy for him because HE is no longer suffering. HE succeeded where I am a failure. His suffering has ended while mine is still going on.

He died as a complication of depression. I like that term. “Complications of depression” yes, I like that term very much. But I doubt it will be used for my death. The throbbing has escalated. My foot is now on fire. And there is no extinguisher in the world that can put out the fire. So I take another pill. I hope that I am sleeping soon.