Category: mood disorders

Merry Festivus

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Merry Festivus

I don’t like Seinfeld, at all. He just annoys me but I hate my birthday more so Festivus this is. I had an okay day. We didn’t go out for pizza but stayed in because everyone has a cold. I was glad because my mother could be with us. She wasn’t feeling well either and she kindly gave me her cold for my birthday. When I told her, she said that she wasn’t near me. I then point at common things we touch and she still didn’t get it. I was bad at using hand sanitizer when I got back to my room. So I blame myself for getting sick.

My cousin came over to give me a card. That was nice of her. She always gives me something. She is so sweet. My mother made the cake like she wanted. I told her no sprinkles as I don’t like them and we argued about it. I had some spiked eggnog that my sister made last night. It was potent. I couldn’t finish the little glass that I had. I then took some Nyquil when I came back to my room as I was feeling crummy. My ankle gave out when I stood up. And again when I stood up after using the toilet. FUN! I am in so much pain it isn’t funny. I can’t breathe well. It is cold in my room. I just wanted to write something as I didn’t write yesterday.

I am supposed to see my friends on Christmas Day but I don’t want to get anyone sick. I will see how I feel tomorrow. I took mega doses of vitamin D. I swear by it to help colds. I hope that I am feeling better but sometimes it takes a few days for the D to work. I am trying to drink a lot of fluids but it is hard when you don’t feel well.

My cousin texted me. She apologized for not sending out a Christmas card this year. I was puzzled as I just got one from her yesterday. I told her and she was like she was “stunata”. I laughed. I haven’t heard that word in so long. That is the Italian word for stupid or dumb. She said we need to go for lunch after the holidays and I must keep on her to go. I said okay.

Aside from being in pain, I had a relatively good day. No one annoyed me which was good. I am so glad I blocked my aunt because she is on Facebook all the fucking time. I am just aggravated I didn’t do it sooner when she sent the request. Bitch talks about everything she reads on FB. One woman I am glad was not at my party. I wish I got a pic of my nieces and nephew. I love them so much. I always forget to take pictures. Probably because I hate the damn camera. I don’t mind reading Twitter but put a camera on me, forget it. Which is why my transition pics are getting farther and farther apart. I keep forgetting to take them. I lost track on how many days it has been. I have my T shot this week. I will try and post something for that day.

Just a stupid blog from a brain fogged brain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Just a stupid blog from a brain fogged brain

I went to bed at 7 am. I took my morning meds at that time because I didn’t want to wake up a couple of hours later to that alarm. I wanted to make cookies and shower/shave today. I just ended up making cookies. The oven, which is like 20 years old, is not working right. These cookies should have been done in 10 minutes or so, 20 tops. 40 minutes later, they were still not cooked. WTF. I took my infrared thermometer and found that the temp inside the oven was half of what I had it at. So my brilliant mother said to put it on 400 degrees, 25 more than what I had. Now I have a few burnt cookies and others that are crispy because they browned too much. UGH!!! She yelled at me for not looking at them. What am I supposed to do, look at them every two fucking seconds?? I don’t think they will cook if I am constantly opening the fucking door!! So then I had to clean up. I had dinner first and then tackled the dishes. I didn’t do the pans. I hate washing the pans because I get water all over the fucking place. I honestly don’t think they need to be washed any way because I used a silicone mat and parchment paper. They probably just needed to be wiped down and put back in where they belong.

After the dish washing, I had to rest. My feet were killing me. I shaved my head and put my T shirt in the hamper as it had flour all over it. I went up to my room. I must have rested for like 20 minutes and I had to stand up to grab another bottle of Powerade. HOLY FUCKING HELL!!! My bones in my CRPS ankle felt like it was being crushed! I felt like I was trapped as I couldn’t figure out how to get back into bed. Seems dumb but it is true. I was standing by my bed but couldn’t figure out how to turn around or at least sit on it to swing my legs over. That was how much pain I was in. The pain settled down but my bladder said it had to go. Fuck. I played on my phone like ignoring it would empty my bladder. I wish it worked that way. I stood up and the same thing happened. I grabbed my cane and carefully put on my slippers. I am glad I had the cane to support my leg as it was hard. I went down each step one by one and then when I reached the bottom, I let out a yell. I waited a few minutes before walking to the bathroom. My bladder was ready to lose it. I hurried as fast as I could, holding on to walls and stuff as I walked. I did the deed and washed my hands. I then carefully walked back to the staircase when my mother said I should sit and rest before going upstairs. She doesn’t fucking get CRPS. I was resting. Standing is what is causing me fucking pain!! I need to be in my bed so I could be in my comfy spot and maybe be sleepy enough to lay down and sleep. I don’t know. Pain is so bad right now I don’t think I will sleep even though I am fricken tired. My foot is cold and I put a sock on but I can’t feel it. I never do. I honestly can’t tell sometimes if I am wearing socks unless I look at my feet. Thank you Cauda Equina Syndrome for throwing away my proprioception. My feet are hot so I think I will take off the one sock I am wearing.

I won’t be spending Christmas Day with my family. My friend invited me over to her house so I plan on going. I haven’t seen her in a long time so it will be cool to spend some time with her and her family. I kind of feel bad about it but my friend is bring my older friend who hasn’t been feeling well lately and I really want to see him. He is 82 and it is rare that he is out and about on the holidays. I really would like to spend time with him because there might not be that many left, not that he isn’t in ill health but he isn’t getting any younger. I haven’t told my family yet.

Feeling horrible and slept all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling horrible and slept all day

I woke up around med time. My alarm went off at 8 instead of 9. Something is wrong with the app because it is not going off continuously to annoy me to get up. Just has the little sound and then nothing for the next 15 minutes or so. I don’t know what to do and am afraid of uninstall/reinstall thing. I would hate to input all my meds again. There are really just three that need alarms the rest are just as needed, when I need to keep track of when I last took them. I need to get in touch with the developer and see if they have an advice.

I took my meds and then used the bathroom but forgot to brush my teeth. I was kind of in a weird state where I really had no idea what I was doing there. I went back to bed, thinking I would sleep for a few hours and then I would get up to eat and make cookies. Did not happen. I woke up around 2pm after a weird dream about the Obamas and the White House. I don’t remember more than that. I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I made some graham cracker cereal and found we were out of milk. That meant no cookies. I texted my sister to pick some up on her way home. My mother called to keep me in the kitchen until my niece came home so I could let her in the house.

I had coffee but it didn’t help. I went back to my room and succumbed to the sleepies. I thought I would sleep a couple hours but I slept until my night med time. Fuck. I wanted to order some steak tips but I think laying down so soon after eating the cereal messed up my stomach. Looks like the cereal is the only thing I am going to eat today. I feel horrible that I slept all day again today. Seems that on days I don’t have anything to do, like go to an appointment or something, I sleep. Granted the day after I have therapy, I am tired because I am usually up all night, but this time I wasn’t. I slept through most of the night at a decent hour. I just can’t force myself to stay up. I just feel like sleeping is better, but I am wondering how much of it has to do with depression and how much has to do with not sleeping and being in pain. I sent an email to my psych that the CRPS has spread to my whole foot. I am not happy about it. If you compare my left and right, the left is more swollen than the right and there is some redness at the arch. I hate this! I thought it was just because of the flare I had Monday but now doesn’t seem to be the case as my foot is still sensitive.

I am not liking all this sleeping. I don’t want to get in the habit of sleeping all day because I have the risk of being up all night and that is a bad thing for triggering my bipolar. I already had a few being up 15+ hours. I haven’t made it to 24 and I hope I never do. Closest I have ever come is 22 straight hours. I hate feeling terrible and after I had used the bathroom and went back to my room, and nearly fell because I almost lost my balance taking my slippers off, my foot then exploded in pain. Now I am not sure I am going to sleep again and I am pissed I woke up. Just let me fall into the death nap.

I have been worried about my eating, or lack thereof. I just did some calculation to figure out how many I need just to maintain my weight. But the problem lies with being male or female. If I am a male, it is over 1700. If I am a female it is 1600. I am a male but I am transgender and currently still in a female body so I am all fucking confused. I feel like I should go with the male because fuck, I am a male but yet in my medical records I am female. Fuck. I just am so fucking confused about this shit. I know it is a technical thing, and we are just talking 100 calories. That could be a protein bar, give or take. I know I have not been eating anything close to 1000 calories the last few weeks. Yet I haven’t lost that much weight. I maybe lost 1 pound or so in a week. And I have lost 8 pounds when I wasn’t eating anything, just a thing of ramen noodles for the day. The website I was at said that fasting like I have been aka not eating, can lead to gallstones. Great. Always wanted those, NOT. It is because I am breaking down muscle instead of fat. So I am losing muscle instead of fat. Lovely. I keep telling my doctors this but do they fucking listen?? No. do they order tests to see if my vitamins are okay and shit like that? No. so I could be malnourished and they don’t care about it. I hate taking vitamins and they aren’t cheap. I might take one here and there. But after a while, the gummy gets hard because the bottle was opened and air made them dry. I like gummies better than pills. But I am not going to buy a shit load of vitamins. I had the B vitamins that were sublingual. Those were good but then I stopped because I forgot to take them, and because they were under the tongue, you couldn’t put them in a med box. Plus they had red coloring that came off so if they stayed on your hand or some place, the red wore off. I hated this. I have no idea where I put them. I know I had a bottle on my bureau as I had two. But no idea where they are now. I wish there was a medical person I could talk to about this, someone that fucking cared about this shit and didn’t pass me off because they didn’t have a clue. I don’t even know who to see. Then I think of the trouble to figure it out and I don’t want to do anything. Add in the depression and nothing gets done about it. Fun. So I want to lose weight but no clue how to do it and yet I am barely eating because my appetite is fucked up. Just hope for my birthday, I have my pizza. Hope I eat more than one slice.

5 days before my birthday, good grief

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

5 days before birthday, good grief

I had a list of goals today. I wanted to brush my teeth, make breakfast/lunch, shave and shower, and then bake. I got up around 11. I brushed my teeth. Then I made the steaks I bought yesterday. That was breakfast and lunch. I had two cups of coffee. Then my mother needed some help doing some stuff. So I helped her out. I then shaved. Trouble was, the trimmer died after like three swipes on where I was shaving so I had to then switch to my razor which took longer than I expected. I usually charge my trimmer before I use it but I forgot and thought it had enough juice to do the job. It is an old trimmer so I think the battery is going. I charged it as I was shaving. I then did my head. For some reason, my head isn’t as smooth as it was before. I don’t know why this is. My sides are but the back of my head is kind of rough even though there is no hair. I then showered. I did okay as I only had to sit once or twice. But my foot was hurting. I was getting really tired. I dried off and then talked to my mother. She asked why I was tired and I said I didn’t sleep again. My soft blanket last night was on the crook of my ankle and as I moved it, it felt like it was cutting into in. I barely touched it as I showed my mother where the blanket was. That was all it needed to set it off. Fucker. I couldn’t deal. I took some gaba, only a small dose, and my pain med as my foot was hurting, like it was being crushed. I played with my phone some and then I crashed.

I woke up a little while ago. I was expecting my mother to call me for dinner but I guess she made her own, and I was to do the same. I don’t care. I am not that hungry any way. . I have been wanting a graham cracker cereal for a while. I think that might be my dinner. I shaved my mustache last night and now my upper lip is bothering me and I don’t know why. Maybe it is growing back in.

I took my night meds at 7. I have decided to take them early rather than later because I tend to sleep earlier than later, if pain isn’t a factor. I used to take them early but I stopped because of the pain med. It was like I was taking my night meds at one time, pain med an hour later, and gabapentin at an hour later. That combo seemed to work good for a while. Then I decided to take every thing an hour later and just take the gaba when needed. It is so hard to keep track of the pain when I flare though. That is when no combo works. I am so tired. I hope I can sleep at a decent hour. I really wanted to make these fucking cookies today but after the shaving and shower, I knew there was no way I was going to bake. I needed a nap. I got to listen to my body when I need rest because it’s rare that I have these opportunities to nap. Usually, I go to my room with the intention to nap, and I end up playing with my phone or decide to read a book and then the nap impulse fades or I get more tired, which is not good. Then I become overtired and I am up all night.