Category: mood disorders

about today’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

After I wrote my blog last night, I stayed up for maybe an hour and then I crashed. I was so wiped out and knew if I fought it, I was going to get overtired and then sleep whenever. So I basically fell asleep by 2130. But fucking stupid pain woke me at 0100. Again it happened while I was dreaming to wake me up. Annoying. I had taken my pain meds so I don’t understand why I am waking up in pain. Doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to go back to sleep. Around 5, I made breakfast. I read. I laid down to try and sleep but then my fricken bones started hurting. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 0630. I took my morning meds before I tried sleeping, including my pain meds as I put the do not disturb on my phone but set my alarm for exclusion so I wouldn’t oversleep.

The damn thing went off at 10 but I didn’t want to get up. I had to sleep because I had a late therapy appointment and if I stayed up, I might be groggy by the time therapy rolled around. I didn’t want that. I took a shower and then went to my room to cool off. Then I made some cold cut sandwiches for lunch. I then left to do the errand for mother. When I was done, the bus was there so I took it, even though it wouldn’t take me to the square. I ordered my espresso got some Pike for home. Then I had my sandwich. It was good. I had brought some cookies in case I wanted something sweet but I was too full. I wrote in my journal for a bit and then left for therapy.

Therapy was good. I brought up some difficult things I wanted to discuss but wasn’t sure if he would dump me after I told him. I said so and he said there were only about 4 things that would cause him to dump me. 1) self-harm in his office, 2) injuring him, 3) destroying any of his office things, and the 4) undressing in his in office. Then asked him if he planned on undressing and he said no. Good. I really don’t want to see him naked!

We had a good chat around my suicidality. I brought up some points that my friend on Twitter brought up with the blog I wrote over the weekend. He asked why I thought it would scare him away and I said because I wasn’t sure how crazy you would think I am. He said he has extensive work in trauma so understands how things can get wonky trying to cope with it when you don’t know how to cope, basically (my words, not his). I felt better talking about this and asked what to do about it and he gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which was “this”. And I was like what, put things in a bag and then pull them out one by one? Deal with everything? Come on, man, give me some guidance! We went over the stuff little by little until time ran out. But there is no structure with how we will proceed and that kind of irks me. He said I like control and I do, to a degree. This guy really gets me and I am so glad because I can talk to him and not worry he is going to force me to go to the hospital after we talk or bind me to some safety contract before leaving. The suicidologist in me is totally freaking out about this because there should be SOME plan but there isn’t. He has said that if I want to kill myself, I am free to do so, just don’t do it in his office, basically. This is really hard to grasp when I have had 27 years of therapists that have been very strict on safety and calling for help and the what not of trying to keep me alive. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give a shit if I live or die, but today I got a glimpse that he does care if I do. Usually, the therapist’s care if what helps me to know if I am worth caring about. I know my psychiatrist cares. She wouldn’t nudge me and be a pain in the ass about me seeing her if she didn’t. I don’t get that way with this therapist though. If I want to cancel, it is okay where past therapists have always given me a hassle on why did I cancel like if I didn’t have a good enough reason, I couldn’t cancel the session. I tell him I can’t make it, and that is fine with him. He understands that I have a medical condition that sometimes forces me out of the game. I sometimes cannot physically make it in. I try though and I sometimes wait too long to cancel until I realize I can’t cancel because it is past the golden hour to do so.

Anyway, these are just my experiences with this therapist. I like him even though there is no structure. Just talk and see where it goes kind of deal. It kind of drives me crazy some times but it is also okay because there is no linear path of getting better. Just like my memoir. It goes forwards and backwards. I hope we do talk about what we talked about today again. I think I will have to bring it up to work on it. I just don’t see him doing that.

Busy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Busy day

My cousin called me around noonish wanting to know if I still needed to go to Stop and Shop. I said I did. I only had to pick up a few things. My mother also wanted me to return the bottles and can for recycles. I get there and there is an elderly man that thinks he owns the place. He fended me off the first plastics machine. I just went to the cans and started putting them in. He was done with the plastics so I started putting in what I had and switched when I needed to. Then he comes over wanting to use the machine. I wouldn’t mind but there were two other machines!! He then opens the door to the bins (which were nowhere near full and left the door open. I look at the thing to see if there was something wrong with the machine and there wasn’t. I closed the door, kind of guarding my can machine so he wouldn’t get the ticket. It was hot as hell in the little room as there was no air. I was sweating bullets and was starting to get soaked. I was working as fast as I could to get the hell out of there. I collected my tickets, then went to the store.

I went to the fruit section because I wanted some watermelon. I like getting the pre-cut fruit so I don’t have to do it. Yup, I am lazy. But it was way expensive for a little container. I would be better off buying the melon and cutting it up myself (which I have no idea how to do without destroying it). I then went to the deli to get some cold cuts. I asked for a third of a pound of salami and I think I got like more than half. It was a huge pile of salami! Glad it doesn’t go bad right away. I will be having salami sandwiches for a while! I then got a little other things. I wanted some cookies so got some Chip Ahoy thins. They are okay. I’m not crazy about them. I stayed away from Oreos because I can eat the whole thing in one sitting with a glass of milk. I paid for my things and then cashed in the tickets for the cans and bottles. I got $5.40. whoohoo!

My cousin was done with his thing so took me home. I told him about the creepy elderly man. He said I should have called him. What was he going to do?? I came home and put the things away. I must have sat on my bed for at least 15 minutes when my cousin called me again. Why was his mother going to see my mother again. UM, I have no fucking clue! I called my sister and she said she was bringing my mother some food. My mother hasn’t been eating because the food sucks. I decided to go with her and the lunatic to see my mother. I haven’t seen her since last week. I didn’t wear my AFO just some sandals. I knew that was risky but it was too hot to wear socks and sneakers. I am glad I did because my mother’s room was stuffy. The AC wasn’t too powerful. I think it was cooler outside than inside!

I came home but wasn’t hungry. It was med time. I took my night meds and I am really tired. Ball game is going on and we are winning so far. Last night we won. The Snakes lost because their catcher was stupid. HAHA today they placed him on the DL. I forget what for. He isn’t a fast runner but he apparently was even slower than usual which cost them the game. I want to listen to the game but I really should try and sleep, even though it is early. I know if I don’t try, I will get overtired and then be up all night. I am already trying to plan my day tomorrow because I have to do some errands for my mother, which means leaving earlier than usual. It is also going to be hot. I need a shower and also shave my head again. I saw the pic of when I was last at the barbers. My hair was very close to my head. Now it isn’t at all. Looks like I haven’t been to the barber in months. I am trying to grow the top out. I don’t know if I can keep up the shaving once it grows out. It is already getting hard to shave in the back. I am just going by feel.

I need to wash clothes tomorrow. The hamper is getting pretty full. I hope I can manage it. I got to wash my mother’s sheets that my sister took off the bed. They have been sitting on the floor for a while. I have been meaning to throw them in the washer but I got to take off the pans that are on top of the washer. It is a pain in the ass.

tired of this shit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Tired of this shit

I took my extended release med an hour later than I was supposed to. I was in the middle of doing something so forgot to take it. I had a peanut butter and fluff sandwich for supper and now the peanut butter is giving me horrible gas pains. Happens whenever I go overboard with the peanut butter. I can’t help it. It tastes so good. I took some gas stuff to calm it down.

I’ve been in a mood. My left thigh has been acting up the past few nights. I don’t know why. Usually, I just stand and walk around my room settles it down a little. I hate being in pain all over the place.

I have been going over my expenses for the month and I don’t have any extra cash for things. Sucks. I have enough for groceries for the month but I won’t be able to eat out unless I put it on my credit card, after I pay them for the month. I don’t know why I got them. I could have extra money for things if I didn’t have them. I am so stupid. I wanted to build my credit up. I don’t think I have. I am dumb.

I wish I could talk freely about what is on my mind like I used to but I am afraid some moron will call the authorities and they will come to my house. I have been very careful about what I write in my blog. I know I could write in my journal. It would be much safer. I know I don’t have to share with the world my thoughts but maybe my thoughts might help someone going through the same thing. I don’t know. I hardly get any feedback anymore. I just write just to write. I know a few people read my blog every day. Thank you. It means so much when you are depressed.

I got a thing about my students loans. I have to submit paperwork saying I am basically not working and that I meet the poverty guidelines. Seems I have to do it every year for them. Because my loans were discharged because I am disabled, I can’t get another loan, ever. Not that I would want one because there would be no way I could pay it back. I don’t make that much, just the bare minimum to get by. Sucks. I wouldn’t be able to work, even if I could. I would be in too much pain later that night or maybe my ankle would go out on me in the middle of my shift. I can’t afford that. It would wreck my confidence in myself. Hell, if I can’t even keep up with the dishes, how am I to work a job?

I ordered some cold cuts so I don’t have to cook. It is going to be hot all week, with the humidity being ridiculous. Hope my AC doesn’t croak. I have to be out of the house Wed so I will give it a break then. I don’t know when I will see my mother. I feel bad not seeing her. I do talk to her though. We don’t talk long. Maybe five minutes if that. I miss her. House is so quiet without her. I am sure when she is back, I will be annoyed with the TV being so loud. I had to lower it on the two TVs I watch. I was able to watch the last three out of the game. Sox won and they are 6 games up from the Snakes. I hope they continue to win and the Snakes continue to lose. HAHA I can dream.

My foot is starting to talk to me. Last night it was my ankle. God did my ankle hurt so bad. I took a picture and then drew a red circle around where it hurt. It was only an inch or so that was causing me so much pain. Today was a little better. I don’t know what it will be later on. I never know. I can do nothing it will hurt or I could do something and it will hurt. There is no rhyme or reason with it. And trying to stay on top of my pain meds doesn’t work either. Once it flares, it stays flared. Best thing I could do is keep it immobile as possible. Movement just causes more pain.

I should have made a cake while it was cool. Now it is blazing hot so turning on the oven won’t be a good idea. I bought the cake mix last month. I thought it was a simple thing but it isn’t. It is literally making a cake. You also need to put together the frosting with sugar and butter. Too much of a hassle. Maybe I will make it at my sister’s as she has an AC in her kitchen. Only thing is, I don’t know how to operate her oven because it is all fancy and shit. Just turning on the burners is difficult. Crazy stove.

I’m going to try and go to sleep now. I think all my thoughts have been emptied, least the ones that are “safe”. I hope I get to sleep. I really want one night where I am asleep by 2 AM.

randomness 23 July 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Randomness 23 July 18

I sent off an email to my psychiatrist sometime last night as I was in so much pain and I was angry. I told her I didn’t want to see her and to say this email is notification of cancellation of our next appt. I eventually went to sleep sometime after 1 am. I had put on a brace as the pain was just so bad. The compression of the brace helped but didn’t take it away completely.

I woke up to my phone’s med alarm. I took my meds but didn’t take my allergy pill. I went back to sleep but tried not to go into a deep sleep as I had to be up in a few hours. My psych had responded to my email but I didn’t have my glasses on to see what she said. I got up around a little after 11 am. I read the email and she basically said that she hopes I feel differently in the morning. I don’t. I don’t want to see her. I then took a shower. The house was like a sauna. I don’t know why I bothered picking out clothes. I was drenched in sweat by the time I came back to my room to cool off. I had an hour before I had to leave the house for the bus. I thought that was a good time.

I left and when I opened the door, it was raining so I went back in to get my umbrella. I wasn’t going to use my Bluetooth headset. The rain let up and the clouds cleared but it was still humid as hell. Then the skies opened up. Glad there was some drizzle before it happened to give me time to reopen my umbrella. It let up, again, by the time the bus finally arrived.

I got to starbucks and they had a new sandwich. I tried it and didn’t like it. I might as well as just pour a shaker of salt in my mouth. It was so salty. And the “bacon” was more like a ham. I couldn’t take the egg as everything else was overpowering. I felt like ordering something else but I didn’t want to get up. Then I looked at the time and shit, it was 1330! I had to leave for my appt. I quickly threw away what I didn’t eat, grabbed my coffee, and left for the train station. When I got to my stop and was waiting for the bus, I texted my therapist saying I might be late. Bus came like 30 seconds later so I was on time.

I didn’t talk about anything in particular. I told him about living alone and how scary it was the other day when there was no adults home and my ankle gave out. He said I should look into assisted living programs before something else happens to my mother, like her being forced in a nursing home or something worse. I said I will. I know there are some residential programs popping up around my city. I think you have to be apart of the Department of Mental Health to apply for them, though. I am sure there are others that maybe Medicare will have. I don’t have to look right this second but my mother being in the rehab has been an eye opener. We talked about my anxieties while she was gone and how difficult it was to keep up basic chores, like washing dishes and such. I didn’t tell him about the email I sent to my psychiatrist at all. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I left and was wondering what I was going to do for dinner. It was too hot to cook or use the oven. I just caught the bus home and was lost in my music as I was walking home. My legs have been feeling like lead all day. My lower body didn’t want to work at all. It just hurt to stand and walk. There was mail in the mailbox and I was sweating a lot by the time I got in the house. I just wanted to go up to my room and cool off. My mother called and wanted me to give my aunt some things that she needed. I also gave her some mail that I thought was important. I rested until I was sufficiently cool to go back out again. My cousin was parked outside my aunt’s house and we talked. He said he would be taking my aunt to see my mother. I told him I guess that means you won’t be taking me to Stop and Shop. He said sorry. Thanks for nothing bud. I might just take the bus, if the weather is decent. I have no idea if it is going to be just as humid or not. There are a few things I need to get that the online grocery doesn’t have, like a quart of milk. All they have is a half-gallon. I don’t need it as I got soy milk and almond milk. But I do like milk for when I have tea. I also wanted some cold cuts so I could make sandwiches. I can only get half a pound in the grocery app. So stupid but I guess they need the quantity in order to make it worthwhile.