Category: mood disorders

Flare Sunday 29-July-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Flare Sunday

My sister called me while I was in deep sleep. She wanted to know who was making noise. There was someone in my house but I wasn’t about to go downstairs to find out who it was. I said it was probably my other sister. It was. She left me a note about how she cleaned the bathroom. I used it and then went back to my room. That was all I fricken did. Ankle got set off. It was around 10 or so in the morning. I knew if it was hurting now, I was likely going to be this way all day. I texted my therapist saying I wouldn’t make it tomorrow because of these flares.

I took a breakthrough med and waited a little while before going downstairs to make something to eat. I made coffee, bacon, an egg, and toast. It was good. A package came for me that I ordered so I went downstairs and that was the breaking point. My ankle hurt worse when I came in my room, after I sat down on my bed. That is never a good thing when I stand and then sitting causes more pain. I had called my brother in law to see if he could pick up my prescription. He said he was in Maine. Great. That meant I was literally home alone with a bum ankle and I didn’t have my cane. I was kind of panicking. My support group said to just stay on the bed and watch a show. So I took an Ativan (anxiety attack was already happening by then), and then opened Netflix to watch a show. I don’t remember if it was one or two episodes I watched. Afterwards I was hungry. Pain had settled down some so I went downstairs to make something to eat. I made steak and cheese. It was really greasy. I don’t think I am going to buy that kind of steak anymore. I don’t like eating grease. Greasy food okay, but not a mouthful of plain grease. Yuck!

I went back upstairs. I tried on the new dress shirt I bought. It fit good and the neck was the right size. I asked FB and Twitter what would be a good tie. I got an overwhelming response for the light blue tie so I will be wearing that for the wedding I will be going to in Sept. I just need to get new dress pants and a belt. I will get it next month. I thought it was safe to have a cup of coffee. The iced coffee didn’t perk me up and I broke my rule of no caffeine after 3 pm. I watched the rest of the Sox game as I drank it. They won. I finished my coffee and rinse out the cup as it was a special cup.

I went back upstairs with my cane and at the last four or so, my ankle gave out. It was so difficult going up those last few stairs. I was hurting so bad. I took another breakthrough med. Now I know for certain I am NOT doing PT unless they increase my pain dose. I’ve been in severe pain since Friday. This shouldn’t be happening. I hope they fucking hear me this time or I am going to just end things. What else am I going to do? Continue to be in pain??

Rambling 29 July 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Rambling 29 July 2018

I didn’t do much yesterday but sleep because I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am. I had a bad night of pain. I sent an email to my psych around 4 and then took an Ativan and that finally got me to sleep. I put my phone on do not disturb but set my alarm so I could take my morning meds. With the do not disturb, my app alarm doesn’t work.

Sox won. I listened to the game, though around the 7th inning, I was getting sleepy so tried to sleep. My foot decided to explode. It was hurting me before I laid down but then it really started to hurt. I took some Neurontin. It didn’t work. I put some lidocaine on, and that seemed to calm it down a bit.

My cousin was calling me a few times during the day. He gets anxious if you ignore him. I really think, after talking to him tonight, that he is paranoid. He seems to think his mother and sister want him to move out of his apartment so his other brother can live there. I don’t know. That seems kind of crazy to me. I don’t know where he will go. He says he can’t live on his own, but yet he is. He can do a lot of things I can. I told him I might have to go into assisted living if something happens to my mother. I can’t be on my own because I never know when my ankle is going to go out on me. I can’t keep up with house chores. I found that out Thursday when I tried to do six loads of laundry. It took a lot out of me.

I have some dishes in the sink but I was too tired to do them after I ate. I used my last cold brew iced tea bag today. I have it brewing in the fridge right now. It is probably done now but a few more hours won’t hurt. I like it to be strong. I think you can use regular tea bags but I think it takes longer to brew or maybe you use hot water and then cool it so you have iced tea. I have a hyperchill think I can use. It works great for coffee. I just make coffee like I do for hot and then put it in this cup with ice around the chamber and it cools the coffee without diluting it. It is really neat. Only thing that sucks is that it is small. You can only get about 12 oz of coffee. I like at least 16 oz.

I am listening to my country music. Cam posted a little vid that she performed in Mexico. She sang Diane in Spanish and OMG it was better than it was in English! It was just one part of the song and then she sang the rest in English. I was bummed. I had to listen to her song again and just let the playlist play.

Weather is supposed to be less humid today. We’ll see. Today is going to be the only day the weather is less humid. Monday is going to be yucko again. I’ll have to carry my sweat rag with me. I can’t help it. I just sweat a lot in hot weather because of my nerve condition.

I am going to try and sleep. I will write more if I can’t. Thanks for reading guys. It means a lot.

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Losing my mind with not being able to walk like I used to

I had a pretty decent sleep. I fell asleep soon after the ball game. They lost. I was so tired that I just laid down and was soon asleep for the first time in a long time. I kind of woke up early, but no idea the time because I didn’t want to get up. I was freezing but just turn on my right side to get more comfortable. Then I woke up in pain after a weird dream. I just stretched out my leg a few times but didn’t stir. Then my med alarm went off. I got up to take my meds and shut the AC off. Within an hour, it was hot in my room so I turned it back on but turned up the temp so I wasn’t so cold.

I got up around 11. The money I was hoping to be in my account wasn’t there yet so I couldn’t get my haircut. I am not sure what I want done with my hair but it needs a little trim. I noticed today it was a bit uneven with my shaving bits. Oh well. I can only imagine what the back looks like. I made breakfast. I just made egg and toast as I wasn’t in the mood to cook bacon. It was too muggy in the kitchen, even though it was morning. I washed the dishes after I was done, but realized when I got to Starbucks, I forgot the frying pan. Oh well.

I was debating on showering but my ankle was kind of angry with me standing washing stuff so I held off. I knew I was going to need one when I got home after my appt. I wanted to bring cookies to Starbucks but I forgot them. I just had my espresso. The barista either puts too much ice or not enough. Today they put a lot so I didn’t have much room for soy. I drank it anyway. I called the VNA that was hounding me all week. Why they didn’t call the surgeon’s office to find out where my mother was, I have no clue. I had to repeat where she was a few times. I was so annoyed. I tried writing in my journal for a bit. Then I left for the train.

I was a half hour early for my appointment. I took my breakthrough med as my ankle was really getting cranky. When I checked in, I had to use the bathroom. I kind of had to go before I left Starbucks, but I didn’t feel like going. It cost me because I leaked. I was not happy. The doc took me early and I explained what was going on with my glasses. She said the prescription was correct which means I just going to move my head/eyes to find my “sweet spot” when trying to read. Great. So I will be bobbing my head when I read. She had the optician fix my glasses so they didn’t slide off my face. I also had him do the same with my sunglasses.

I called the Thai place for dinner. It was so fricken hot and my legs, specifically my calves, just didn’t want to work anymore. It is really bothering me that I can’t walk like I used to. My legs were so fatigued. I hope it was the heat that was causing me to feel like a dead weight. I got my food and then crossed the street to catch the train. It came as I got there but there were no seats so I had to stand most of the way. My legs wanted to kill me. When I got to the Square, I checked my messages. I had a few but didn’t hear the ding. I forgot I turned the ringer off so turned it on. I had to pick up my prescription, which meant more fucking walking. My legs were killing me and my foot was really hurting me. It was about three hours since the breakthrough med so I didn’t know why I was hurting so much. I have no idea how the med is dosed. I didn’t want to look it up because my phone keeps track of every fucking search I make and I don’t know how to delete it. I wanted to do it on my laptop anyway.

By the time I got home, I was very hungry and was soaked with sweat. I so needed a shower. In my haste to get upstairs, I forgot to switch glasses. I didn’t care at that moment. I needed food. I went to my room to turn on the AC so my room would cool off while I ate and then showered. I ate about half of my meal. Then I went downstairs while I ran the shower to get my glasses. I then took a shower and my ankle pain shot way up. My lower back felt like it was going to snap. I quickly stop drenching my head with cool water and got out. I dried off quickly and then went upstairs. I emailed my psychiatrist that my pain was at a suicidal level again and to expect angry pain emails later. There is just this spot on my ankle that when it flares up, I just want to fucking die! It is awful. I looked up when I could dose myself with the IR med. Every 3-4 hours according to the FDA site I saw. So obviously, this med doesn’t stay long in your system. And the pain doc just wants me to take 1 per day. I can take up to two, if needed but he wants me to just take one. I am going to flip on him when I see him next week. This isn’t fucking working. I am going to tell him I am NOT going to PT unless my flares are being addressed with an increase of pain meds because what I am taking is NOT FUCKING WORKING!!! Going to a doctor’s appointment shouldn’t always cause me pain! Or doing laundry and other household chores!! I have had enough!!

doing laundry all day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Doing laundry all day

The hamper was full so I decided to do laundry. I started it before my groceries were delivered. I didn’t separate the clothes until after the groceries were put away. I had to take breaks because it was so damn hot in the kitchen and my back was giving me grief. I put away the refrigerated and frozen stuff first and then took my time with the other stuff.

I had about 6 loads of laundry. I just put the last load in the washer. There is also a load in the dryer. I folded the clothes, my way, and it was a huge pile. I split it as there was no way I could carry all of it up the stairs.

I got an eye appointment tomorrow. It is supposed to be slightly cooler but not much. I had conflicting reports from two meteorologists so neither knows when the humidity is going down. It is just going to be hot the rest of the week and next week, too. I am not liking this. But the storms seem to be moving out and the game will be played today. Last night they scored 5 runs, all dingers (homeruns), and it didn’t count because they were rained out! The Red Sox, Sox Nation, and I were ripshit. It was the umpires call once the game started but the O’s should have called the game knowing the rain was moving in. Jerks. I hate the O’s and their manager. Hope he gets fired after the “wonderful” season he is having.

I hope I remember I have my eye appointment. I keep thinking I have nothing going on but I do. I wanted to spend tomorrow just resting but that doesn’t seem to be happening. I will make a sandwich for lunch. The appt is late in the afternoon. I think I am going to order Thai for dinner. I’ll get Pad Thai. It is my favorite. It is too hot to cook. I still need to get more turkey breast for sandwiches. I bought precooked bacon. I wasn’t crazy about it. I forget the brand I bought. I think Boar’s Head is better but you only get like 7 slices per box. This had more than that.

My mother might be coming home next week. Depends on how she does. She is going to see the surgeon Monday. I can but can’t wait till she is home. I just know my lunatic aunt is going to be over every fricken day to hover over her and start fights with her. Drives me crazy. I wish I could just tell my aunt to leave but it’s my mother’s house too.

I took about 2.5 hour nap. I probably won’t sleep tonight.