Category: mood disorders

Wicked hot Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Wicked hot Sunday

The temps are in the 90s and I am miserable. I briefly went to a family event, where I was driving and it took all the energy out of me because I was stuck in traffic. The family event was near a popular beach so I knew there would be traffic, which is why I got the zipcar longer than I originally planned. I made it home with 45 minutes to spare once I hit the main road. I had a good time, the few hours I spent at my cousin’s. But my pain levels shot up and I had to leave. It was much too hot for me to be in the heat. Even while I was in the AC’d car, my neuropathy flared. That was fun.

I totally miscalculated my pain meds and if I don’t have my script ready tomorrow, I will run out come Tuesday. The script is for 28 days and it always messes me up by a few days. I don’t know why they just can’t give you a 30 day supply of meds. But I don’t make the rules. I have to abide by them. I think the heat wave should be over by Tuesday but it could be another 80 degree or more day. I am glad I had my brother in law put in the AC when he did or I would be dead. The nerve injury makes me totally intolerant of heat and it’s gotten worse every year. I mostly stay in my room because it’s the only room with AC. The rest of the house is hot and I just can’t deal.

The game is on late today, which sucks. Last night, I didn’t think I was going to make it. It was more than 4 hours and they just went 9 innings. Detroit pitching was so damn slow. We still won though, 11-3. I had a hard time falling asleep after the game. I wasn’t in too much pain until I laid down. Then my foot went berserk and the suicidal urges came back. I had a relatively low pain weekend, so I was thinking I didn’t need to go to the hospital tomorrow. Now I am rethinking those thoughts. I had emailed my psych about it. I always have a hard time coming to the decision to go in because I know my meds get screwed up more than how I am treated. Other than keeping me from acting on my urges, I don’t see a benefit to the aggravation of a med screw up.

I don’t have therapy this week because I cancelled. After last week’s session, I just couldn’t handle another week of him not being there for me. I just feel unsupported by him, something that I never thought I would say about a therapist. In all the years I have been going to therapy, this is the most unsupported I have felt. In many ways, I’d like my old therapist back. Least I knew she cared.

I took my night meds early because I am wicked tired. I don’t think I will be staying up to hear about the game. I want to go to bed early. The game usually winds me up and I find it hard to sleep afterwards, especially as I know they will be playing well past 2300. Much too late as I run the risk of being up all night. I get my second wind and it’s all down hill after that.

Saturday Blog 84

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

Saturday Blog 84

I woke up around 10 because my bladder said to. I wasn’t able to go back to sleep so I made coffee. After my coffee, I went to Walgreens to pick up my script. It was really hot out but not humid. As I was trying to find my dark chocolate, I came across an ankle compression sleeve that supposedly helps your heel. I hope it will help my Achilles. It was $13 so I bought it. I will use it the next time I go out or when my Achilles flares up around the house.

I had no problems walking, which was good. I never know if my ankle is going to go berserk on me or not. I didn’t wear my AFO brace. I thought about going to the square but I had my burger fix last night. I am just going to lay low today and maybe read Huck Finn as I haven’t touched it in more than a month now. I am half way through reading it. I am getting behind my reading because my pain is so bad I don’t feel like cracking open a book.

I joined a CRPS group on Facebook. It is mostly people in the UK but I haven’t been able to get accepted in any US based groups. I requested to join and haven’t had a response. It’s been good joining this group as people have been responsive to my posts and seem more accepting than the other group I was in. I left it because there were people against my use of opioids for my treatment of pain. They are under the idiotic impression that it’s just an addicting drug and shouldn’t be used at all, only for short term use. It’s bullshit as I would be dead without my meds. The pain is not relieved by any other drug that I have tried.

Today is Boston Pride day and there is a huge parade in Boston. I don’t go because I don’t like crowds. They give me anxiety. So on Twitter, I talked about coming out as trans. I wrote a little story about it using the hashtag Pride2017. I got one like and that was for my post on my memoir. I don’t care. If people read my story, hope it can help others struggling with coming out. I will write a longer blog about it later today. I want to talk about it because it is freeing and lifts my burden. Eventually I will come out to my mother. I am getting close to getting the courage to tell her. I know she isn’t going to accept me for being a man. That is the only thing keeping me from telling her because I fear her rejection of me. It’s bad enough she doesn’t like my haircuts and the clothes I wear.

My new watch came in yesterday and today for some reason, I feel naked without it on. I usually don’t wear it in the house because I have my phone to tell me the time and date. Guess I am just excited that I have a new watch. Tomorrow I think I might go to my little cousin’s graduation party. It’s going to be a long day for me so I am not sure I can handle it. I feel like using a zipcar just so I can have my own transportation home if I need to leave. I can only handle the family events for so long before I get bored and my ankle acts up. My cousin’s house is by the beach. I think the weather is going to be similar today but a few degrees cooler. It will be perfect beach weather. I am not a beach person but I do like to stick my feet in the water. I just hope my pain is manageable tomorrow or it’s going to be difficult for me to go. We’ll see though.

TG issues 9

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, transgender

TG Issues 9

I have been meaning all week to go to the LGBTQ health center website for information about transitioning. It seems fairly straight forward, but I need a physical. So I call my PCP’s office to schedule one and they changed my existing upcoming appointment with my provider to a physical, in Oct! UGH. Four months I have to wait. I knew it would take time and maybe by then I will change my name.

Other than seeking out information, I did nothing else today. I tried to make a bacon sandwich but the bacon was just fatty with hardly any meat. I threw some of it away because I wasn’t going to eat it. I made the little pieces of meat and had it with toast. I told my mother I wanted penne pasta with gravy so I took a container out of the freezer so we can have it tonight.

While my mother was out, I shave the sides and back of my head till it was smooth as a baby’s behind. It looks kind of weird but I love it. I think the back is a little uneven but there is nothing I can do about it. I might ask my sister to straighten it out. It will grow back even though. It always does.

I was in pain and since I am low on my regular pain meds, I have been using Neurontin. I fell asleep again, hard like I did yesterday. I only woke up because my mother was calling and I had to use the bathroom. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. I have never seen the message bar all lit up before. My watch came in, which I was happy about. The rest of the messages were stupid. I read them while I was in the bathroom. My meds are ready to be picked up. I’ll go tomorrow as I am not feeling like going. Maybe I can get some dark chocolate while I am there.

A friend of mine in England wrote me a private message on FB. She wanted to know that she supports my decision for transitioning and she doesn’t care as I am an amazing person to her. It was a nice message. I haven’t responded because I am kind of overwhelmed with all that she wrote. It’s hard for me to take compliments and have them sink in. I still think I am a piece of shit so it’s really hard for me to hear that I am not and that I mean something to someone that isn’t a family member. I was glad she was so supportive. It means a lot to me because I come from such a judgmental family.

I hope my mother is cooking because I am starving. The Neurontin is making me really hungry. I have eaten more than one meal today, which is good. I am trying to pace myself but I can’t control the hunger cravings. It’s a good thing I don’t have the things I want to have because I would be eating all day. I am going to go to the Square tomorrow to buy burgers. I was going to go to a place but I figure for the price of a burger, I can get a six/seven pack and rolls.

Dinner was good. I had two bowls of pasta. I couldn’t help myself. It was so good. My ankle is hurting me. Earlier in the day as I was going up the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step and kicked it instead of stepping on it. The bottom of my foot is still smarting and my ankle is loving it. I had to take one of my regular pain meds for it.

It’s hot today so I have had the AC running for a little while. I got cold and shut it off. Then it got hot again so it’s back on. I’ll probably keep it on during the night, unless the temp drops and it’s too cold to have it on. You never know with New England how it’s going to be in the night.

feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Feeling like I lost time but I didn’t

I woke up around 0500 in pain so instead of taking my pain meds, I took Neurontin. I don’t remember the dose, but I fell asleep about an hour later. I slept pretty hard because I didn’t get up till 1300 or so. I was brushing my teeth when my psych called me. I was supposed to call her in the morning to check in. I planned on calling her when I got back to my room but she beat me to it. We talked and I told her I was fine right now and didn’t need to be in the hospital. She said to keep in touch with her via email or page.

The reason I had to call her was that I paged her last night because I got really suicidal and I was in a lot of pain. I had taken everything I could for my pain and there was no relief. We talked about going in the hospital today and I was seriously considering it. I think if my mood wasn’t better in the morning, I might have gotten my stuff together and meet up with her in the ER. But I was “better” and didn’t feel the need for a hospital stay.

After the phone call, I got dressed and went to the post office and Rite Aid. I needed to mail off a package and get some more cream for my coffee. As I was making my coffee, my PCP’s office called saying my prescription was ready to be picked up. I really wasn’t planning on going into town but I needed my meds. It was hot today so I just changed shorts, grabbed my coffee, and left to catch the bus that would be coming soon.

After getting my script, I went to get my haircut. I had a bit of a wait but I didn’t mind. Unfortunately, by that time, I was wondering where the day went and felt like I lost time because I slept all morning. It’s rare that I sleep past noon without waking up at least once. I guess between my exhaustion from pain and the Neurontin, I was zonked. I got my cut and then went to Chipotle for my dinner. It was the only thing I had today. I ate it at Starbucks and had an iced tea/lemonade. I wanted to write in my journal for a bit. Oral fixation guy was there chewing on some kind of string as he did stuff on his laptop. It was kind of disgusting so I tried not to look at him while I ate and wrote.

I went to Walgreens to get my script filled and then came home. I needed a shower and took one. My foot by that time had enough and didn’t want to bear weight at all. I almost fell twice. At one point, I thought I was going to fall backwards as my balance felt off. I quickly got out and dried off. Luckily there were no mishaps while getting dressed. Now I am going to take my meds soon and go back to sleep. I am fricken exhausted. I got through to my dentist and have an appointment tomorrow morning. I got to set my alarm so I don’t sleep through it. I know I will have to go back next week to get my cavity filled. Not looking forward to that. I hope that one cavity is still the only one I have.