Category: mood disorders

Pain and sleeplessness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I just got off the phone with my psych. I was feeling really suicidal as pain has been intolerable. She wants me to think about the Hosp.

I’ve been trying to sleep the past few hours but I’m in too much pain. I was feeling good until I went upstairs to my room. Then I had to use the bathroom which flared things up again. I’m in dire straights.

I’m to call my psych when I get up tomorrow. I don’t know if a hospitalization would be helpful or not. I’m kind of against them because I feel like they just babysit you. I just want to sleep and I can’t. 

I did ask my psych if I could od but she said no of course. I feel like she iis the only one who cares right now. She said if my pain was down, I wouldn’t be so bad. Probably. I know I would have the same mood swings, just not as frequent. Pain is really controlling my life. I have to monitor all my activity and it just sucks.

I finally told her about my family member that I think is developing schizophrenia. She told me if I brought them to the hospital, she would make sure they would be on the right unit.

The top of my foot is burning like it is on fire. I’ve taken 1800 mg of neurontin today. I should be knocked out and so should the pain. I’m so tired of nerve pain. It is worse than physical pain. At least with the physical pain I can take meds for it and know within an hour or so, I’ll be OK. Not so with nerve pain.

Sox lost to the Bronx bombers, literally. Porcello gave up 3 homers. And the game was over. They lost 8-0. Pathetic.

As much as I don’t want to go in the Hosp, I think it might be a respite from my every day stuff, if I get placed on the right unit.I need to be on a unit that will help me deal better with my pain and my psych issues. I also need another therapist. My current one just isn’t working out. I feel he doesn’t care.

My veins are popping up on my bad foot. Ugh. It’s going to be a long night.Going to take some Ativan to see if that calms me down some. Wish me luck!

hurting

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hurting

I woke up from my haze. Again I woke up in the middle of the night and didn’t go back to sleep until around 0300. I am so damn tired. I made breakfast and as I was going down the stairs, my bad foot misjudged the step so I tripped over it. My foot is going ballistic. I took a bunch of meds so I am hoping to go back to sleep soon.

I watched Tim Mcgraw and Faith Hill’s new video. OMG it is so hot! I don’t know who is hotter, Faith or Tim. It’s such an awesome video! I am listening to them now. I feel like taking a break from Linkin Park.

I was supposed to go to the post office today to mail my friend in Canada some stuff for her grandkids and son. But that got nixed when I hurt my foot. The weather is better today as the sun finally made an appearance. It’s 60 degrees so I am not as cold in my room. Last night was brutal. I wanted to turn on the heat it was so cold.

As I am not that sleepy yet, I decided to call neurology to set up an appointment. Apparently, this doc has to review your medical records before she decides to see you. WTF. I left another message with her secretary to call me and also to let her know that I am a MGH patient and she has my permission to view my record. So fucking stupid.

I am running low on my strong pain pills so I put in a request to get a refill. Next week I need to put in the request for my regular pain meds. So I get to go to Boston twice in a week. I see my psych next week so I might just wait to get the regular meds then.

I’m kind of feeling really suicidal. I just don’t want to live anymore. I am in too much pain, emotionally and physically. It’s so exhausting. I had breakfast but I am hungry again. I really don’t want to go down the stairs again. I am just hurting way too much. I wish I had some protein bars in my room. I know I am feeling this way because I am tired and I’m out of spoons.

I want chocolate. Chocolate makes everything better. I ate my last two pieces that I had. I need to get more dark chocolate. I wish I could have it delivered rather than me going out. I just checked out the price for baby back ribs from a BBQ place in the Square. Fricken $19 for ½ a rack! Forget it! I’ll get it at Stop and Shop for $7!

Meds are kicking in so I am going to sleep. I just wanted to write something in case I sleep the rest of the day.

random 545

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 545

I had another hard time sleeping through the night. I woke up several times because of pain and the cold weather. It’s been raining all day today and I slept through most of it. I didn’t really get up till around 1530, when I needed to as I was meeting a friend for dinner. I thought about canceling but it was really too late to call him and tell him forget it.

I had texted my therapist saying I need to cancel our next appointment. I waited around for the female therapist to call me back but she never did. I don’t know if she is going to. I got dressed and caught the bus to the train station. I brought my umbrella so of course it was only drizzling lightly. I got to Boston and met my friend.

We enjoyed dinner and got caught up on things as we haven’t seen each other in a while. I couldn’t finish my meal so took it home. I was full off of appetizers. The check came and my credit card kept asking for a PIN. I didn’t have a PIN as it was a new card. I tried calling but you had to call another number and I couldn’t hear it over the noise of the restaurant. I was embarrassed as my friend then had to pay. This is the second time I have had this issue with this card and I don’t understand why it asks for a pin at retail places. None of my other cards do, unless I use my debit card. It just made me frustrated.

When I got back to the Square to wait for the bus home, I called the number to get a PIN number. Now I shouldn’t have any problems. The bus was late and the stupid bus driver kept missing people’s stops. I felt like reporting her. I was tired and all I wanted to do was go home, take my meds and go to sleep.

Sox are playing though. They are beating the Skankees 5-1 right now. I am in a lot of fucking pain. My “thing” aka foot/ankle is acting up. I haven’t taken any meds for it yet because I can’t decide what to take. I don’t have burning pain so I don’t need to take Neurontin. I can take my regular pain meds as it has been hours since my last dose. I am not in severe pain, least not yet, to warrant taking the strong pain pill. It’s like a guessing game every night as to what to take and when.

I just hope I am able to sleep tonight. I am exhausted and my mother put my ground beef in the freezer, so I can put off making my sauce aka dirty gravy. I don’t think I am going to do anything tomorrow except possibly go to the post office to mail a box for my friend in Canada. The present is for her grandkids. I got them (3) Sox hats as well as for their dad. The boys are so damn cute. I’m jealous she gets to play with them, LOL. I miss my kids being that age.

another useless therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another useless therapy session

I was able to sleep till 1315. I didn’t want to get up but I had to. I am glad I didn’t sleep later than that because I would have been screwed to catch the bus to therapy and wouldn’t leave me time to have my much needed espresso. I had five shots today rather than four because I was so tired. It’s starting to wear off and I am getting sleepy but my foot/ankle are acting up again.

I walked to my therapist’s office. It was drizzling out and cold. The train was held up at Harvard so I was right on time for my appointment. I asked him about transgender transition and he had no clue. I was shocked. He said just to go to the LGBT clinic in Boston. He didn’t offer me any support in the matter and I felt standoffish. We talked a little bit about why I wanted to go ahead with my transition but the guy was not getting it and then he started fiddling with his fucking nails again. My mood dipped by the end of session and I felt like therapy was useless with this guy. He said time was up, see you next week, and I left.

I feel like cancelling next week’s session. I honestly don’t want to go back, at all. I think I am only going to please my psychiatrist. If I am not getting any help from the sessions, what is the purpose of going? This guy doesn’t offer any guidance and just expects me to talk for 45 minutes. I can have more fun talking to my voices than him! I want to call that female therapist back and see if she is taking new patients. I know it’s been a month since she left me a message, maybe more than that, but I got to do what I feel is right. I can’t keep feeling like a piece of shit after therapy or that my time is wasted because I didn’t get anything out of it and feel unsupported.

When we were talking about the transgender, he didn’t offer me anything or reassure me that what I am feeling is valid. He hasn’t yet to do so and it’s pissing me off. Why am I seeing a therapist if I am not going to feel supported and have my feelings validated? He hasn’t even said anything sympathetic to me like, I’m sorry or “oh no” or anything that would reassure me that he gives a shit. It’s been almost two months that I have been seeing him and I just am not feeling like there is a connection going on. I just feel like he wants to bill my insurance and listen to me rattle on and on about whatever without really hearing me and my distress.