Category: mood disorders

Pdoc appt and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I didn’t wake up in time to catch the 0950 bus despite setting my alarm. I pretty much woke up to shut it off and then went back to sleep. I should have set a second alarm in case that happened. Luckily, my mother called me at 1000 so I could catch the next bus. I had just enough time to get my latte and leave to catch the train.

My psychiatrist was running late. She always is but today was later than usual. The voices were getting unsettled. It was kind of weird being there in the waiting room while the voices were talking. I should have taken the trilafon before leaving the house but felt it was too early as I just woke up. We talked about side effects of the medication as it’s an older drug and she is comfortable with me taking it as long as it is helping me. She ordered an EKG today as it has been two years since my last one. I am just glad she didn’t order any blood work. I hate getting my blood drawn.

I am glad the bus home was late so I caught it and didn’t have to wait an hour. I went to Walgreens to pick up my scripts that were ready. I was sweating bullets by the time I reached my house. My shirt was soaking wet. I had to take it off because it was making me cold with the AC. The new shirt I put on I then ruined when I opened a can of tuna in oil. I hate when I do that. I try to be careful but today I wasn’t. Now I have oil stains on my shirt. Luckily it’s on the bottom half so it’s not so noticeable.

My mother is thinking of making a “lazy man’s mac and cheese”. Apparently she is thinking of making the pasta and then microwaving cheese on top of it. Whatever. Sounds good to me. I love pasta and cheese so it works for me. I feel like making coffee but it’s kind of late. I just feel so wiped out. The heat and humidity is awful. It was really humid around the hospital because the river is right there. I was drenched before I reached the station. My ankle started acting up on the way home. I knew it was going to because there is a threat of showers today. Plus I did extra walking and stairs today as I had to go from one building to another to get the EKG.

My refill of trilafon is still being processed. I hope it gets mailed out today or I am going to be screwed. I have only a few pills left. I should have expedited shipping. I normally wouldn’t worry about it but the voices have been annoying today so I might need a second dose. I wish I knew where my other pill container was that I carry around. I know there are some pills in there. I tried finding it last night but wasn’t successful. I hate being psychotic. I told my psych today that it’s getting worse as I get older to control. I told her that I was having delusions as far back as March 2015, even with the abilify so obviously the abilify lost its effectiveness and I really didn’t notice it. Course I am so used to the voices it’s hard to discern when they are troublesome and when they are “normal”.

Forgot how good country music is

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Forgot how good country music is

I have been listening to the Country Countdown the last few hours with my favorite country artist, Hillary Scott. She is talking about her new album and her miscarriage that happened about a year ago. I feel so bad because it’s such a tragic thing to happen to women. I am glad that she was able to write a song about it to release the feelings associated with loss.

As I have been listening to the music, I have been feeling energized despite feeling tired. I want to buy the songs that I really like but thankfully I have no money in my account. I definitely going to get Blake Shelton’s new album and Sam Hunt’s song “You’re Gonna Miss Me”. I have to get Sam’s songs individually because there are some songs that I don’t like on his album. I am also contemplating getting Kelsea Ballerini’s Peter Pan. That song is really sweet. And I found another song that if I ever get married, the song by Dan and Shay is going to be it.

I was talking to one of my friends that has DID (dissociative identity disorder). We basically got caught up with our illnesses as it has been a while since we last talked. It was good talking to her again. I am glad she didn’t bring up that she wanted to have lunch. I really don’t want to meet up with her. She lives west of me and it’s kind of in the boonies of Massachusetts. I don’t think I can drive to where she is without getting lost so there is no point in meeting up.

I am glad the countdown will be over in about a half hour. I don’t think I can make it past midnight. My head is spinning though. I am feeling really hyper yet tired. It’s weird. I feel like I am sort of in a mixed state. I might have to take another trilafon to calm down.

Do Nothing Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Do Nothing Sunday

I listened to the ballgame today and that is the extent of my activities. I woke up late though I wasn’t intending to. I woke up around 0845 and the next thing I knew it was 1300. I fell back to sleep. I heard my mother get up and that was the last thing I heard before returning to the dream I was dreaming.

Sox won and I am happy because they almost lost it again. They had an 8-3 lead that they squandered. The final score was 8-7. Porcello gets his win and though I usually call him “poorfellow” he is actually the best pitcher next to Wright. They have the most wins on the Sox.

I had to take a shower because I need to leave early tomorrow and I am not sure I am going to wake up early enough. Lately I have been sleeping past 0900 and I need to catch the 0950 bus tomorrow. I am seeing my psych. I hope she will agree to writing me a script for taking the trilafon twice a day but we’ll see what kind of mood I am in. Sometimes I will ask for it if I am in the mood but sometimes I am not. I am not good at getting what I need only because I am afraid to ask.

My left thigh has been killing me most of the day. I woke up with the pain so not sure what I did during the night to cause pain. It’s been another hot day so I didn’t go out. Just making breakfast/lunch in the kitchen was causing me to sweat. It’s so hot in the house. I have been taking my pain meds to ease it but I am afraid it hasn’t been doing much for it. I am not sure if it is nerve pain or what but I just know that I am in pain.

I filled my pill box and realized I needed refills on four meds. I thought about getting them today but I got lazy. I really just didn’t want to go to the store just to work up a sweat. Then I would have to shower. I need to go out tomorrow so will get them then. I don’t need them right away. My blood pressure pills came yesterday so I am good with them. I am so glad the doc sent them to the right pharmacy.

If I am able to leave my house early tomorrow I will bring my psych book to read while I am at Starbucks. I hope to get paid tomorrow but it might not be until Tuesday. Drives me crazy because technically, I am supposed to get paid today but because it is Sunday, the bank is closed. I have just enough funds for an espresso over ice. Whenever I do get paid, I need to get coffee for the house because I am out. I am going to experiment making iced coffee once I get more coffee. I think 3 scoops of coffee to the same amount of water over ice might be perfect. I might have to play with it to get it right.

I really want to see my therapist this week. I am going to try and make it happen. I would like to see her the week of her birthday but I don’t think I can swing it. I got a huge grocery bill to get because my mother wants meat and I want my steak. I decided to get a filet mignon so I can grill it. I plan on marinating it first with the other steaks that I bought. Hope the marinade is good. It’s the first time making it. I have been trying to keep the grocery bill between $150-$200 but I am not sometimes successful. I do review the order and then take away things that are expensive or junk food.

My mood has been down for most of the day. I think it’s because I have been sleeping more. The psychosis seems to be controlled. I have been trying to just take 1 pill a day and see how I do because I only have 6 pills left. I need to wait for the refill to come in, which won’t be until later this week because my doc called in the mail order instead of the retail pharmacy. Now that I think of it, I could have taken the bottle to the pharmacy for a faster refill, duh. Oh well.

Saturday Blog 57

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 57

It’s another hot day. We are in the middle of a heatwave as the temp has been above 90 for more than three days. The humidity sucks. I was going to go out today but I overslept. You really have to get up early and go to Starbucks or you might not be able to get a seat. It was too hot out to attempt it so I just stayed in. I made my own coffee, which I think I only have one cup left. Hope it’s enough to get me through till Tuesday when I get paid next.

I read a little bit today. The story just seems to be dragging on and on. No real drama or action. I am close to being in the middle of the book and still have no idea where the story is heading. But I will read the book anyways because I am a stickler like that.

I didn’t have lunch or breakfast until about a half hour ago. My mother was asking why I didn’t eat. I told her because I was sleeping. Then I had coffee and it killed my appetite further. The house is really hot so I try not to be outside my room for too long. I think for supper I am going to make a tuna sandwich. I don’t know why I have been craving tuna lately. It’s like my go-to food when I don’t know what else to eat.

I have been feeling down since last night. I thought about my father and it brought about a deep sadness. I texted my sister and she said she felt the same way whenever she thought of him. Then I was a little bit haunted by suicidal thoughts. I just thought about what it would be like if I was dead. I so just don’t want to live anymore. I don’t know why I am living. My life just seems stupid.

One of the clinicians I follow on Twitter was looking for readers for his upcoming new textbook. I emailed him to see if I can read one of the chapters and give him feedback. I told him I am not a student but I have lived experience. I hope he doesn’t turn down the request. I plan on getting the book anyways but if I do read it, it will be a free copy and my name will be in the book.

I keep perusing my blogs hoping to find one “good enough” for my book. There hasn’t been many that I have come across yet. I know most of my blogs are just my day to day struggles and accounts of my daily activities. Most of the blogs deal with my never ending nerve pain or some type of pain that I am having in my foot/ankle. I think I wrote more about my pain than about my suicidality/depression. Now my blogs are mostly about my psychosis and dealing with voices. I am still in pain but I just don’t write about it.

I also used to write about my father as he was always the source of aggravation for me. Since his death, I just been dealing with his loss. The memories of what he went through the last four months of his life are still fresh in my mind. I never got to finish the story of his last hour of death. Maybe it’s better to keep it in my mind rather than on paper.