Category: physical pain

Foot Pain, Ankle Pain, Psychache, when will it end?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality, transgender

I feel asleep around 2100 only yo wake up 3.5 hours later. I had to use the bathroom. While I was there, I figured I might as well brush my teeth. My foot started hurting so I rushed.

I went back to my room and couldn’t settle down. It’s starting to be a never ending story of pain. Now my heart is breaking and I don’t know why. I should feel better now that I know my mother knows I am a man. I thought that would take away some of the depression but it hasn’t. I still feel hopeless.

I wrote a tweet and someone flagged it on FB. I got a message asking if I needed help or someone to talk to. The report is anonymous so I have no idea who reported me. I’m just glad no cops showed up at my door. 

I’m so tired of this crap. I’m sick of being in pain all the time. I wanted to make cookies and instead, I slept all day. I might do it later today. I love the cookies.  My niece wants me to frost them so I might so that. I think they taste better without the frosting. But, I can only make the cookies if my pain is down and it shows no sign of that happening. 

I never bought the zucchini. Maybe I will Monday when I am out. I really want to make the zucchini bread. I really like it and it is easy to make. One of my friends posted a recipe for dark chocolate molasses cookies but you need brown rice flour. I’m not sure where I can find that. I also need to buy molasses. Maybe the next time I am in the Square, I’ll look in the grocery store there. They have some organic stuff and might carry the rice flour.

I don’t know why I feel so much psychache. I guess it may be due to my friend not really loving me like she says she does. I’ve known this for a while now. I’ll go for days without hearing from her and then she will be in some crisis or another, needing to talk to me, usually late at night when I want to sleep. It just annoys me that the only time I hear from her is when she is feeling bad, like I don’t exist until she feels she needs me. I just learned to distance myself from her.

I had texted my therapist about the news about telling my mother that I am transgender. He responded. He is glad I did so. I also texted my former therapist and she never did. I don’t think she will. I emailed my psych and she didn’t respond either. I see her this coming Friday so I’m sure we will talk then. I should be feeling elated that my mother knows but I still feel like shit. I think the pain of my ankle/Foot is just bringing me down so much that I can’t feel anything else but misery. 

Not sure if I mentioned it but I have decided that Oct 10th I’ll be changing my name, legally. It will cost me around $200. I’m going to make sure I get enough extra paperwork so I don’t have to go back to the courthouse. I’m not sure how many I will need to change my name on various things. I’m excited and scared about taking this step in my transition. But none of that will matter if my pain causes me to end my life. 

It is a constant battle trying to keep myself here. It is a roller coaster of emotion all the time, from feeling deep despair and suicidal one minute to feeling ok the next. I know one day I will end my life. I just don’t know when that will be, sooner or later.

Am I weak?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

I called UNCLE. I was slowly drifting off to la la land and then the unknown entity in the form of a knife started stabbing the middle of my foot. I am filled with such despair right now, I’m beside myself.

I just want to die but I can’t leave my room because I can’t bear weight on my damn foot. I’ve been trying to distract most of the night but I am angry. Angry the meds work on certain pains I get in my foot and ankle, angry my PCP doesn’t meet with me frequently enough to see what I am going through, angry that I am forced to use mobility aids around the house to try and lessen my pain. Angry that my friends in real life don’t get what I am going through. My sister came up to visit and she wanted me to go downstairs to see her. I told her I was in too much pain. There was silence. I felt like I could hear her thoughts saying yeah right, like I would stay in my room to avoid her. 

The past few days have been awful pain wise. I’ve been trying my best to stay on top of it but it’s hard when the pain keeps changing and now it is affecting my bones. I get severe bone pain in my foot and ankle, specifically, the malleolus and metatarsals. But only half of my foot and ankle hurt. The last three toes going up to my ankle and outer foot/ankle hurt really bad. It is draining me. I can’t tolerate the pain. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about my therapist that I’ve been seeing the last few months. I’m going to be straight with him and see if he is willing to help me or just play with his nails. I need encouragement if I’m to continue living. I haven’t gotten that from him at all. I miss my ex-therapist. She always provided encouragement and support. 

I see my psychiatrist Friday. She has been on vacation the past few weeks, but I’ve been emailing her about what has been happening in her absence. I’ve come up with a suicidal plan. I think I emailed it to her, I’m not sure. If I did, She didn’t respond. Im sure we’ll talk about it when i see her. If my therapist doesn’t want to help me with my problems, I’m going to stop seeing him. I mean, what would be the point? Ramble for 45 minutes every week with no feedback or analysis of what I am talking about? I’ll have better luck talking to a wall.

Chronic pain has got to settle down. It is killing me and will kill me. Even though I’m on pain meds, and they do work, however my pain is so intense and unpredictable that I never know when I need to take a pill to control it. I can’t say, ok at 7 pm the pain is going to be this so I’ll take this pill at 6 pm so I’m not hurting. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe in a perfect world.

I’ve been fighting sleep since 2130. Every time I get relaxed enough to drift off, my pain increases or I feel like my foot is on fire. Then I need to take another med to calm the flames. Trouble is, this med takes hours to work so in the meantime, I’m hurting and going berserk with pain.

Why is it when I talk about killing myself, people just don’t want me to die? I understand but if I was an animal, I would have been euthanized by now. Why can’t humans be euthanized? I know in certain countries you can be via assisted suicide. But I don’t have the money needed to fly there and pay for services just to die in a foreign land. I am so sad I no longer can work or walk anymore. Being in pain sucks. I do have the suicide disease. My dream come true. Now I just need a concrete plan to go ahead with it.

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

Don’t know what leg to limp on

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mood disorders, physical pain

So I’m inpatient. The nurse’s station is down the hall. My fucking foot has exploded (one with CRPS) and my good foot has an Achilles problem and hurts. I don’t know what leg to limp on. I can’t take pain meds for another hour because that is when the shift changes and the fucking computer system will allow me my meds. I just want to die right now. The pain is so bad. I know I sat down too much today. Having my leg down just causes me more pain.

I had a bad check in with my contact person. He got smug when I said I was going to go off on staff if they woke me up early. The new med is kicking my ass so I feel hungover when I wake up. I just want to sleep in. It will be Sunday for crying out loud. But he said I need to be up at fucking 800 for meds and vitals, which is bullshit because I can refuse both. Asshole wants to play games, I’ll play games back. I know my rights.

I am tired but I can’t sleep because I’m in a lot of pain. Another 30 mins more till I can hobble to the nurse’s station. This is why I have my pain meds by my bedside at home, so I have easy access during a flare. I might take some more ativan to help me sleep. I’m kind of upset that the flares have continued while in the hospital. The last time I was in, I wasn’t in so much pain. I was still on my meds but for some reason, the flares have gotten worse.I don’t have an explanation for this that I can say this or that caused the flare. I just know that I hurt.

I definitely need new sneakers. I think that will help the Achilles problem. I still need to see the specialist for it. But the office is outside of Boston and you need a car. I’ll have to use the zipcar to get there. When I can think clearly, I’ll make the appt.

Now my ankle has joined in the fun. Fuck. Why can’t I die???