Category: physical pain

Painsomnia 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I was pushing for 0200 to go to sleep but i had to pee and then brush my teeth as my mouth felt yucky.  I haven’t brushed in two days so i really needed to get rid of the yuck.

Pain has been keeping me up. Started with my metatarsals and then moved up to my ankle bones. I took extra meds and 1200 mg of neurontin. It hurt so bad, not as bad as it was last week. I figure I would write as sleep isn’t coming just yet. I am really tired. I’ve been playing with my phone. Making grocery lists for tomorrow, making a coping plan on one of the apps I downloaded. Dr. Jobes is supposed to come out with a mobile app. I can’t wait.

I’ve been fighting the suicidal urges. I can’t help it as I feel so rotten and hopeless. Pain is really bringing me down. I’ve posted my distress on Twitter but no one has said anything. 

I printed put the RMV forms for name change and stuff. I don’t need a letter from my doc to give to them. I do need to being some bank statements and stuff to prove who I am. Which reminds me, I nees to call the cable company to change my name. I hope I can do it online. To change everything on my license will be about $75, I think. 

I still need to call HR at my work place to find put when I will be getting an updated insurance card. I just need the one for prescriptions so i can change it at the pharmacy. So many things needing changing.

Dammit, my bone pain in my foot is back. I’m not going to sleep tonight. Ao much for wanting to do one errand later today. Maybe I will in the late afternoon. 

I am ordering some stuff from Amazon. I saw a body pillow that converts into a nice back pillow and arm rest so you can read. It is $60. Hope it is worth it. I’ll get it next week, hopefully. My online grocery order keeps going up and down. I order stuff then take it off. I really want to make a spinach, egg, cheese, and bacon sandwich or burrito. I still haven’t made a burrito since I’ve been home from the hospital. I jist have been in too much pain to cook.

Painsomnia is the worst. My foot feels so awful right now and i can’t take anymore meds. I am going to try and sleep now and see if I will be successful. Wish me luck!

Going home tomorrow

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

Met with my team this morning. We discussed discharge and I will be going home tomorrow because Friday is a holiday. Crummy SW ask if there was something to work on and I was like no. Like seriously, you came back on Monday and haven’t done a thing for me so why are you asking now? Idiot. My sis will be giving me a ride after she gets out of work. It might be a while as traffic could be terrible. 

Pain wise I am hurting. I was in the boot most of the day and took it off on second shift as my ankle bone was smarting. Now my foot is hurting, all three metatarsals. I can’t take anything until it is time for night meds.

I am glad I am going home. I looked at stuff my psych needs to fill out for my gender change for the motor vehicles registration. I also need a letter from her. Once I have it, I can then go to Social security to also change my gender.

I got to get my pain meds when I am out of here. I asked my mother to go through my pile of mail to see if my new insurance cards came for my prescription plan but it didn’t. I’m glad because I won’t be able to change my license for another 2 weeks. 

Pain is a 12 right now. All I did was throw shit out and ankle freezes up. I can’t bear weight at all on it. Staff provided a wheelchair for me to get around. I’m glad I’m in my room. It was getting really warm in the hallway. I still have a window open in my room. I’m glad I didn’t shut it. I’m in a rotten mood.

Exhausting painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I woke up around 2 in pain so got some pain meds. I woke up around 8 after falling back to sleep. I wanted coffee but the damn breakfast dude had shut the doors to the kitchen. I don’t know why they do this for every meal. Drives me crazy. While I was waiting for him to open the door, my pain spiked and so did my suicidality. I just wanted to die. After I got the disgusting coffee and some breakfast, I met with my team. I told them I would retract the 3 day and the psychiatrist asked what changed my mind. I said the thought of going to a state hospital wasn’t appealing. After we talked, he gave me privileges just like that. After I told him I was suicidal. Whatever. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go out today anyway. I just hurt too much.

I had a mental health counselor that I liked as my check in person and told her I hated being far away from the nurse’s station. She was able to have me change rooms to be closer. I had to walk back and forth with my things. That caused a flare up. I am staying in my room the rest of the night. I need to rest. I am wicked tired, like I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I am so wiped out from this chronic pain today. It has been fluctuating all day. 

There is a service dog on the unit. He is very cute. The bugger had learned to leave the patient’s room so he has been hanging out for most of the day. This is the 1st time I have seen a dog on the unit.

It has been a really warm day out and so the unit has been stifling. I was sweating when I was done with the room change. I didn’t pack shorts so I ended up making them out of some scrub pants when I was last admitted. I am much cooler now. My room has the windows wide open so it’s nice and cool. I like it. I can not tolerate the heat, which I think has contributed to my pain being bad the past two days. If dinner wasn’t in a few minutes, I would take a nap. I will after I eat. I’m kind of hungry.

I hope that because I got privs today that my discharge date might be next week. Least I hope so. I want the fuck out of here. My psychiatrist wants me to stick it out but I really don’t see the point. 

I went to two groups today. The 1st one was group therapy and I came out to the patients that were there. Everyone was supportive and I think there is another trans female on the unit. I hope we can connect but she seems very distant.

The other group was on stigma and I didn’t care for it. It was really boring. 

Update hosp

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

I am so livid!!!! Asswipe have transferred me to the crummy hosp I was in in July. If I get the same treatment team, I am signing a 3 day. Fuck this shit. 

Med screw up. Night meds are day meds. My mood stabilizer they only have at night, not morning. And my hormone pill hasn’t been approved by pharmacy yet. If I get my menses over a missed dose, there will be hell. I didn’t bring the proper attire for that shit. Ugh. I am not fucking happy. 

Back is fricken hurting from the beds. I might as well be sleeping on concrete. I did get some sleep so that was good. Not doing shit today. I’m too sleepy and want to just be alone. 

My name is a fucking issue. I legally changed my name and they are refusing to change it in the system. WTF. I told them I changed it last week but no avail. I will be giving them the insurance card I just received. Maybe that will do something. 

This hosp wasn’t planned so I am out of sorts. My psych is hopeful they can help me. I seriously doubt it if I get Bonnie and Clyde. I told them which doc/team I wanted. And that Bonnie and Clyde are asswipe.

I got a single again. Transgender has its perks. Sucky part is they know I have trouble walking so they put me farthest from the nurse’s station. They always do this. Assholes. They had to dump my water bottles because they were open. Ugh. Wasn’t happy about that either! But the water cooler water is decent so I’ll have water. I brought a cup with me to I would use less Styrofoam. They also have enhanced water which is flavored but no calories. I really like it.

I won’t find out who my team is until rounds, which will be in a few hours. I probably won’t see anyone until the afternoon so I can sleep this morning. I was up for close to 20 hours yesterday. Hope it doesn’t cause a hypomanic episode. I’m still mad they screwed up my mood stabilizer. Everything is in the damn computer because everything is linked. Fucker. I’ll get it straight when I see the doc. 

When I was signing in to a voluntary admission, I was tempted to not sign until I knew who my treatment team was. I don’t know if I do have to sign a 3 day if today will count. The rules surrounding that are weird. If I sign and have to stay the weekend, I’ll be pissed. Please send good vibes that I get the team I want.