Today was a rough day. I had an annoying appt with my therapist. I wish I hung up on her (we have phone sessions because it is too far for me to see her as I do not have a car). I just wanted to be left alone with my thoughts but she was not having any part of it.
I am in a seriously depressed mood. I started talking about my plans and how I am going to cancel my Tuesday appt because I just don’t feel like talking and she schedules me for a Monday session. I don’t want to fucking talk. I just want to be left alone you idiot but she didn’t get the message.
We talked about how to tell my mother about me being Mike. I am scared. Maybe I don’t have to tell her. There is no time limit that says I have to tell her now. Let me get comfortable with being Mike before I go telling my family. That is how I came out. I came out to my friends before I came out to my family. So far my friends have been more than supportive. My former coworkers are happy for me. Why am I not happy? Why am I feeling so down all I want to do is kill myself?
After therapy and the ensuing fight of getting another session in, I fell asleep. It was cold in my room and I was exhausted from getting up early to see my psychiatrist earlier this morning. Besides it was really cold out so it’s not like I could take a walk anywhere. I can’t walk too far anyways. Damn ankle prevents that from happening. Though my ankle has been behaving the past few days. Until now. Now it is aching and throbbing. I hear the temp is going down to 8 degrees tomorrow, which is a good 20 degrees lower than it is now. Just wonderful that I am a human barometer. I hate that the change in temp causes me pain. I used to love the winter because I love the cold. Now the cold hurts so I don’t love it as much. I just popped 3 baby aspirin because I couldn’t find my advil gelcaps. My left calf is sore and with all the laying around that I have been doing I am scared I might get a DVT, a deep venous thrombosis, a very bad blood clot. But I am trying not to worry because it might be the ticket out this world and keep me from having to kill myself. It takes a lot of planning and energy to kill yourself. I just am too exhausted to try again. Though I still have my plans of throwing myself off my back porch with a rope around my neck. Chances are though I will make a terrible knot and fall to the ground. That will be embarrassing…
Listening to number 8 on my playlist, Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift. Her music always seems to lift me up. Her and Mary Chapin Carpenter are my favorite female artists that I listen to when I am down and out. Right now I have my MP3 player on party shuffle as part of the writing challenge that I am doing. Tomorrow is going to be a tough one because it talks about family. I think I will just make it short and sweet and be done with it.
Category: physical pain
a Cold at Christmas time sucks!!
Today was another awful day. I forced myself out of the house to get my license renewed and nearly collapsed in exhaustion when I came home. I hardly ate anything today. I just ordered Chinese and didn’t even eat a small portion of it. I just have no appetite even though I have been thinking about food all day. I still am coughing and wheezing. I feel so drained. I am congested and I just feel awful.
Tomorrow is Christmas and I don’t think I will join in the festivities. I haven’t even wrapped my gifts or finished my shopping. I guess it will have to wait till I am feeling better. I don’t care. This cold has forced me to think about things. Yet not to think about them at all. Am I being selfish because I have not done anything? I don’t know. I just want to stay in bed where it is nice and warm and I don’t have to deal with anyone.
I am losing the sense of smell. My tastebuds have already flown the coop as my dinner didn’t taste as good as I thought it would.
I am pissed off at Walgreens for not filling my prescription because they need to have it clarified by my doctor. I don’t understand it. It says take as directed. How can that be misunderstood?? My doctor has told me how to take it so why is there a problem?? And it’s Christmas which means I most likely will run out of my script as the new one can’t be filled yet. I am so mad and when I went to voice my disgust with my mother I lost my voice because she couldn’t hear me because of my raspy voice. Nothing like trying to talk sense to a deaf person when you are ill. I hope they get this straightened out soon because I need my meds. I will fight with this stupid pharmacist if I have to. She is a good person but I hate that she has to verify every prescription she gets!! That just takes too damn long in my book!!
I just realized I have not written anything in my journal in over a week now. And there are only six more days left in the year. I guess I will start a new journal sooner rather than later. I just haven’t had the energy of writing a blog and then writing a personal journal entry. It’s taken a lot of energy just for me to write this much.
I was supposed to go over my Aunt’s house but I never do on Christmas Eve. I have always done my own thing. Or I have worked. This is the first Christmas that I am not working. I got asked today what my job is and I told them I was disabled. How depressing.
Don’t know if I told you about my neuro opthalmalogist appt went. They still don’t know what is causing my eye changes. I still have to get new glasses as it was recommended that a new progressive lenses might help. I had to return my other ones as I could not see out of them at all, or I could for a little while and then all went blurry. I hated them. I have worn glasses since the first grade but these I absolutely could not stand. I liked the frame and all but there was just something wrong with the lenses. So my Christmas gift to me is to buy some new glasses. Course I will only go shopping if I am feeling better!! This cold sucks!!
physical pain and suicide
Physical pain and suicide
Past two weeks I have had two episodes of really bad physical pain that had me in tears and wanting to end my life. I didn’t do anything to spark this pain, such as dropping a brick on my foot or stubbing my toe. The pain went deeper than that. And despite taking pain medication, I still was in agony. People think that all you have to do is take a pill to make pain go away and most times it works. But what do you do when you have a condition that doesn’t allow for that?
I have what is known as Complex Regional Pain Syndrome, CRPS for short, in my left foot. I got it because of another long name diagnosis called Cauda Equina Syndrome, CES for short. I got this former condition as a result of a ruptured disc when I was twenty-five. I didn’t know that it would result in the CRPS until now. Since I was twenty-five, I never learned how to walk correctly and pulled muscles that were not meant for walking. Because of this overuse, I developed CRPS after eleven years of dealing with CES. I have been suffering with CRPS for the past 2 years and it sucks. Every pain flare up feels like it is going to last forever. I am on disability because I can no longer work as a lab assistant. I can’t walk long distances, or stand too long on my feet, which working in the lab you do all the time. You are constantly getting up and down going to the different areas of the lab for the different testing that we do.
The pain started after I sprained my ankle on some ice in the winter of 2011. I went to several different doctors but no one could tell me what was wrong. All the x-rays, MRI’s, and physical condition of my ankle were normal except for some minor swelling near my peroneous muscles and tendons. It is when these get really swollen that I am in agony. As I am typing this, my foot feels really cold, like it is soaking in ice water. But to the touch, it is warm. I have a sock on it to prevent it from cramping. I have to protect my foot at all times from the cold to prevent cramps that are eye popping and then my foot becomes really sore. I don’t have any physical discoloration like typical CRPS. I think if I did I would have an easier diagnosis.
This pain drives me to suicidal crises every single time it flares up. The last time this happened was last week. I didn’t do anything, but I really wanted to die. I am almost out of my pain pills as I have been gobbling them up like candy to try and take control of my pain. I see my PCP next week to get something for flare ups. If he doesn’t do anything for me then I am afraid that things do not look good for me, at least mentally. I wrote a letter to my psychiatrist when I had this pain flare up. She understands the only time lately I become suicidal is when my physical pain becomes unbearable. And my pain is never during normal business hours. It is during the after hours, wee hours of the morning. I can be up all night because of pain. And no matter what I take, once it starts it seems never ending until exhaustion comes into play and I get some relief. Only then do I become a “different person mentally.” The events of the night before seem remote, like they happened to someone else. I guess you can say I dissociate from the pain and what is killing me.
Pain flare ups are hard to predict. Sometimes they come up when I do too much. Making cookies one time caused a flare up. Washing dishes will cause another. Standing more than a half hour for the bus will cause another. I never know what to do when I feel the pain coming on. My first instinct is to pop a pill and try and relax. After a bit I will take a muscle relaxer to prevent anxiety and spasms/cramps. Sometimes this will work, sometimes it won’t. It’s when it won’t that the suicidal self goes into play and all I can think about is death. I often play my fantasy of what the doctor will say if he doesn’t give me pain medication. That truly terrifies me. I often come up with me telling him to sign my death certificate, because that is what will happen. I can’t live with this level of pain every day. Right now it is not so bad. I have restarted another mood stabilizer and it seems to be helping but I still feel I need a longer acting medication that I can use for flare ups and to get me to sleep better. Because without the benefit of sleep, nothing is worth a dime.
midnightdemons7 