Category: physical pain

On phone blog: darkness has returned

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

I’ve been down since last night. With not knowing how my allergic reaction was going to go, I asked my mother to check on me before she went to bed. I was still up when she came upstairs. She didn’t check on me and I felt so hurt. I really think I don’t matter to her anymore. She just expects me to give her half my check for the mortgage and that is all. Maybe go to the store for her for a few things but that is it.

I wish I had a car so I could leave. I would just drive off and not sure where I would go. I just feel like no one cares in my own family. My sister just expects me to go up and down the stairs like they are nothing. I am tired of being used essentially. They only call or talk if they have a problem or need something to be done.

I feel so down. Going to tell my mother no party this year for my birthday. Fuck them. My day so I don’t want to be around them. Maybe I will have a virtual party with my online friends. That will be cool.

I haven’t done anything today but stay on bed. I really haven’t felt well. I had to take some benadryl because my throat was feeling funny. That made me tired so I just stayed in bed all day. I woke up around 2 freezing. I don’t know why. It was 22 degrees out but I had a long sleeve shirt and blanket on. I put on a heavier shirt and my heavier Red Sox throw. Woke up a few hours later sweating. Can’t win. I should open my window so I can get some air. I just don’t feel like moving stuff to get to the window.

I have therapy tomorrow. I sent him the link to my blog and now I regret it. I didn’t think. Oh well, maybe he won’t think to read it that often. I got off about him a lot here. Hate to think my space for venting is now compromised.

I wanted to make coffee using the Keurig but decided not to. Then I found out my sis bought a k-cup holder. Shit. I bought her one, too. If she doesn’t want it, I will just return it.

I never showered today. I never had the energy to do it. Maybe tomorrow. I bought some new soaps from a friend that makes them. Both are made with goat milk. One is lavender and the other is rose clay. Smells so awesome. My mother took the hand spray shower head out so now we have a regular shower head. Boring. But I think it will be better. My mother always gets what she wants. I just hope she keeps the seat clear, or i will fight her on it. I need the seat because I sometimes do need to sit while showering.

I am so tired and feeling shitty. Was talking to a friend last night. She kind of got on my nerves because she is so interested in my transition and how my mother is taking it. None of her damn business. I don’t know why I tell her. My mother doesn’t know I am taking hormones. She doesn’t need to.

That is the other thing. My sisters haven’t asked one thing how it is going. They still don’t use the right pronouns. They will call me G at least. But if my mother doesn’t get it, they will say my birth name. I am so frustrated with it all. I rather be fucking dead. Just can’t handle another depression and my family not accepting me as me. I’m so tired of it. Tired of being in pain, too. Just want to end it.

Flare, writing from phone, bullshit of a day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, physical pain

Foot and ankle are in indescribable pain. The pain level is so high I don’t think a number can be assigned to it. It went out on me when I was going up to my room after dinner. I’ve been trying to control it. Nothing has helped and sound seems to be making it worse. I can’t make any movements or my foot goes berserk. I am in fucking hell.

My mother has annoyed me all fucking day since I got up. You would think after all this time she should know not to talk to me first thing in the morning, unless I initiate the conversation. I’ve been telling her all day that I hurt. I swear if I knew how to say it in Italian, i would. Maybe then she would understand. She wanted me to take the trash and recycling down. My sister was up this morning when I used the bathroom so why didn’t she ask her to take it down? Fuck. I cannot hold something while going down the stairs when I am hurting. Too much of a risk of a fall.

I took an Uber to my therapist’s area. I had some me time finally. I wrote a page and half in my journal. I ate my favorite Starbucks sandwich (holiday). My foot was not tolerating the sock but it was freezing out so I wasn’t going to not wear one with my sneakers. I am not going out again till maybe Friday.

I feel totally horrible because of pain. I need quiet when I am in a flare but the TV downstairs was loud. I could hear it as if it was in my room. No point in asking my mother to turn it down. I am “resting” so can’t be in pain. When my ankle gave out on the stairs, she asked where my cane was and I told her my room. Then she quipped I should have rested then. Like what the fuck does resting going to fucking do? Doesn’t matter if I rest all day or not. I flare nothing is going to help!! I’ve been in my room for nearly 3 hours. Taken meds and “rested” and pain has not gone down a notch. I have a heating pad on it and it feels like I have lead on it. The pad feels so heavy on my foot. But it got cold and there was no way I was attempting to put a sock on it. That would seriously be suicide. I’d rather kill myself than try that. I took extra pain meds. I figure I would write before I was toast.

I did my transition selfies today as it is day 63. I look pitiful in them and madder than hell. I wasn’t in a good mood so didn’t care. I tried a few time not to look like an asshole but it didn’t work. Oh well. I had a member in my group go off on me. Um, no you don’t. I gave her a warning for being hostile. Didn’t want to but she was so out of line.

I wanted to read tonight but ha, that is a joke. Meds are already starting to kick in so before my writing on my phone gets garbled, I’ll end here. Ciao.

Another blog by phone: doctors suck when they don’t know what is wrong

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, medical, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

Once again I am a ping pong ball between my psychiatrist and PCP. He doesn’t think my feeling crummy and fatigue has anything to do with my sodium levels even though I explained to the jerk that when I was 2 points lower I felt sick. Now I feel sicker because the damn sodium is lower! He has exhausted all medical tests to cause this so I am going with my fucking gut this is due to my mood stabilizer lowering my sodium levels causing this. So I am decreasing the dose by 300 mg. I see my psych tomorrow and I hope she won’t fight me on this and just repeat my tests in a week to see if there are changes.

The asshole wanted to discuss this AFTER my appt. No, not happening. Because you know what is after tomorrow? The weekend! Nothing will get fucking done until Monday and I am sick of feeling like crap so this is happening tonight. Fuck him. I want to see my therapist again without it being a big fucking ordeal. It is bad enough I get flares after I see him but to be totally wiped out the day after? No. I am just not letting this happen again. I waited 8 fucking years for the CRPS diagnosis. I am not waiting another week of back and forth to figure this out. I know it is the med. And if I am wrong, then I am wrong and we go from there. I am willing to be unstable to stop feeling like shit. It is my fucking life last I checked!

The pain program called me this morning. I had talked to them Tuesday saying I was sick and didn’t know when I was going to feel better. I guess they felt I already had too many cancellations so they discharged me. Thank god. I didn’t want to go anyway but was forced by the pain doc because I felt they wouldn’t prescribe my pain meds otherwise. I also went because my PT felt it was a good program but the program changed because they were not doing anything she said was available. I just had OT (occupational therapy) and physical therapy. I honestly felt the PT didn’t understand CRPS. I really didn’t. And like the PT I was seeing, this PT’s exercises caused flare ups. And it wasn’t the muscles that I was stretching but my damn foot because I had to exert pressure on. I won’t be going back. Ever.

Today I felt a little better but after I got my haircut, did some shopping, I was fatigued again. I felt like napping but it has been so hard to wake up. I hadn’t eaten anything all day except for 4 cookies with my coffee until my mother made dinner. I didn’t keep my fluids to 1L. Only because I haven’t had a shit in a week. I am so backed up it hurts. I took Miralax today and felt stuff moving but still nothing. Going to take some more fiber pills and hope for the best at this point. Just hope I don’t get colon blow.

Sadness over madness

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, CES, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain

There was yet another shooting in the US. A hospital in Chicago lost an ER doc because of her fiance. We don’t know details because he is dead. An officer and a pharmacy tech were also killed. I am so sad over this. Docs are mad continues to happen while those in government do nothing. is becoming an every day thing. Innocent people are losing their lives because someone decides to take a life with a gun. I honestly think the more this is broadcasted the worst it will be. People must be thinking it is “ok” to do this, everyone is. Makes me so mad and sad.

I had to cancel my therapy appt last minute because I was stuck at the hospital trying to give a urine sample. My bladder was retaining so damn fucking bad. I felt I had to go. I knew I had to go. I had drank more than 1000 mLs of fluid. I was full or close to it but no, I wasn’t overflowing so nothing was coming out. I tried everything. It was so noisy in the lab. Soon as I went to a quieter bathroom, I finally was able to pee. I then had to walk back to the lab to drop off the sample. There was no way I would be on time. I would have like 15 minutes with him and that would be it. I hate having to cancel. Stupid bladder.

When I walked back to the station to go home, my heel was killing me. I don’t think it is plantar fasciitis. I am starting to think the steps I take are to harsh on my heel. It is so inflamed right now. I bought some gel inserts to try. I don’t know what else to do. My feet are freezing so I am not about to put ice on. I probably should. But with the whole CRPS thing, I fear I am causing damage than helping it.

My blood tests came back. My sodium is still low but higher than it was. My pcp sent me a letter but didn’t tell me if I need to keep doing the restrictions or not. Ugh. Idiot. So I emailed him back. Hope to get an answer tomorrow. I see him next week so will probably recheck my values again.

I was so damn exhausted. I ate a sandwich and then I passed out. I have no idea how long. I woke up with a bladder yelling at me. It was ready to explode. I was so disoriented. It was around 6 I woke up so I don’t think I slept too long. I was not rested. I just wanted to take my meds and go to sleep. But i was so cold. It was freezing in my room. It is a little warmer now. It is raining again. We are supposed to have a snow rain mix tomorrow. That is going to be fun as i got to go see the pain program social worker. I am going to be blunt like i usually am. I only had one session and canceled 2. I really don’t care anymore. I am not feeling well. I emailed the PT and OT about why I couldn’t make it. I am not doing the stretches at all anymore because it flares up my foot. I had a million and one pains last night. It was awful. I hadn’t hurt that bad in a while. Then when I was just about to doze off, my body jerk, causing my left rib cage to hurt. It was such a bad night. I have no idea how I got up this morning at 9 to be out of the house by 1030. I didn’t shower as I knew that would tire me out. I wish I went to therapy. The whole thing makes me want to quit. Like why bother seeking help when I have so much wrong with me.

My thoughts are with those employees of that hospital in Chicago. What a terrible thing to happen. It happened at my workplace. A secretary shot a cardiologist one morning. I was glad I was off that day. Total mayhem with police and news crews. The news were camped out for like a week. So stupid. Hope they all can talk about it so it doesn’t cause PTSD for them. That is my theory anyway. But sometimes it doesn’t work and does more harm than good.

Hope my pain eases and I sleep. Night all.