Category: suicide

TS and TR

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

TS and TR

I wanted to listen to new Thomas Rhett with new Taylor Swift but I just screwed up the playlist by adding ALL of TR’s songs rather than the few I wanted. UGH I hate when that happens!

I haven’t been feeling good today. My throat has been bothering me so I have been taking huge amounts of vitamin D as I was exposed to a viral illness thanks to the therapist. She was so sick when I saw her Thursday. I hope she feels better next week. I spent nearly the entire day out as I had therapy and then I had to see my pcp. I was in such a depressed mood. I still am. I don’t want to do shit. I just been drinking ensure If I ate anything yesterday, I don’t remember what it was. I was so dead from being out so long Thursday. I had really bad pain most of the day today. Foot feels like it is ready to cramp at any moment. It is has been torture for most of the day. I keep waking up every few hours to pee. I think the UTI cleared up but now is coming back. I hope I am wrong. I have been trying to stay up on fluids but I just want to fucking sleep.

The therapist and I talked about texting. She put it as a boundary as I was texting too much. I respected it. I guess she expected me to flip out or something. And when I didn’t she was taken aback. I am an adult. You impose a boundary, I will respect it. I told her that she makes me afraid and I couldn’t say why she did. Thursday wasn’t a good day for me cognitively because my brain was still dealing with the hydroxyzine and gabapentin that I took the night before. It was like I had the reason why she scared me so one minute and the next, nothing. I felt like it was silly so I was able to avoid it as the therapist tried several times to get me to talk but I just couldn’t. I just wasn’t there. I never asked her about my diagnosis. We spent so much time talking about the texting. I can’t text her unless it is appointment related. There was a question of if I felt like my suicidality was getting worse but she said that shouldn’t be sent in a text message either. But if text is the ONLY way I have to reach her, how else am I going to call her? I just left it in the air. I wouldn’t contact her anyway if I was in crisis again. I will just go through with it.

There are so many smells coming in my room. Some of the perfume my sister and her daughter uses and the colognes my nephew uses. I also smell broccoli so I don’t know what is going on. I hate scents.

I am feeling depressed for some reason right now. I want to sleep but can’t seem to. It’s only 2130. Hope tomorrow I can do something in my room. Monday is my godmother’s birthday. I am not sure if we will be going down to see her or not. She will be 95. She is not doing so well as she stopped eating nearly 4 weeks ago. My cousin said that she is still drinking some but not a whole lot. I just hope she passes quietly in her sleep.

Protected: set off in so many ways

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

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ocean

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ocean

This is Lady Antebellum’s new song and I absolutely love it. Their new album is going to be killer. Even their new song “what I’m leaving for” is so good. I don’t know when the album is going to be released. I am trying to hold off buying things so I can get Luke Combs’ new album to as that comes out later this week.

I woke up too late to give my sister her birthday gift. I sent her a text at midnight wishing her a happy birthday. I got her and my sister (who’s birthday is the 15th) the book by Dr. Jen Gunter, the Vagina Bible. I really enjoyed reading this book because it was so informative. I think it was the last book I finished. I started reading the 6th Harry Potter book and I am half way through. If I spend at least a half a day or two half days I could finish it. I am going to take it with me when I see the neurologist on Tues. It is a long train ride so I hope I can read some of it.

The therapist texted me today after I sent her a meme. She said we needed a time this week and I told her that might not be possible as Tues and Wed are out for me. Traveling to my neuro takes a lot out of me. I really wasn’t planning on seeing her this week anyways. I have an appointment Thursday with my pcp and having three appointments in a week just tires me out. The neuro appointment alone is going to wear me out because it’s more than 45 mins away from me. The pcp appointment is late afternoon. I am thinking about staying if I can ditch the urge to go home right after the appointment. There is a transmen meeting that night that I would like to go to. I just emailed the coordinators to see if there is one this week. I last contacted them back in May. I haven’t gone to the meetings because I have been too scared to go by myself. Meeting new people is so hard for me. The therapist wants me to go to groups and stuff but I am not that much of an outgoing person like I was. Pain has prevented a lot of things for me as well as meeting up socially with people. I wanted to go to the chess club today but totally forgot about it. I wish I put the alarm in my phone. I would have gone rather than gone back to sleep.

I shaved my facial hair off the other day and I am still waiting for the mustache to grow back. I feel naked without it. I had to shave it off because one side was doing its own thing and the other was too. I haven’t shaved since. I pretty much shave the sideburns because I don’t like them getting all thick and shit. I don’t know how to trim them yet so it is just easier to shave them off. I’ll learn one of these days when the beard and everything is more uniform.

a blah Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A blah Saturday

Past few days I have been feeling off. Last night I again got into feeling sick and weak. I haven’t been eating much past few days. Today I just had Ensure so I could take the antibiotics. I decided to take them as I feel really crummy and I don’t want to end up in the hospital. I just hope it isn’t too late because I feel so damn weak.

My mother is having a party for my youngest sister as her birthday is tomorrow. I don’t feel up to being around people. I am in pain too. Ankle has been a fuck most of the day. I talked with a transman today via text. I got the service from my pcp’s office. It was nice talking to them about trans stuff. Other than the therapist, I really don’t have anyone else to talk to. My family isn’t supportive. I was feeling down last night because of the dysphoria. I really wanted the breasts gone and to have surgery this year but that isn’t going to happen. I need to have full use of my arms until this construction is done. If I have the surgery, I won’t be able to move my arms fully and that will cause more problems between my sisters and me. I don’t think I am ready mentally for surgery as right now I am so suicidal. I really wanted to end things today but I just felt so weak I didn’t want to leave the house only to pass out.

Took my meds early tonight. I increased the Cymbalta to 60 mg twice a day the other day. I haven’t noticed a change in anything yet. I don’t have an appointment with the therapist this week. I got to text her Monday to see if I can see her or wait till next week. I really don’t want to see her this week but will if she wants to. I sent her a couple of texts but mostly just about baseball and chronic pain as CRPS awareness is this month. I sent her a meme about it. I also sent the NP psychopharm the blog about being in chronic pain that is a chapter in my book. Tonight is daylight savings so will be losing a fricken hour. My sleep is already so fucked up. Ever since my bladder has stopped working right I have been waking up between 2-4 am to empty it. EVERY SINGLE NIGHT! It’s killing me waking up and then not being able to go back to sleep. I am tired all fucking day. I don’t even drink coffee in the morning anymore, not like I am up in the morning, but still. I only have Starbucks when I leave the house and am going to the Square. Tues I see my neurologist. I am going to have her look at the MRI and see if she sees anything worrying. I also need a refill on the gabapentin. She apparently is the only doctor that can prescribe it for some reason. And it will have to be in a new order because the damn hospital got rid of it all together. I am still mad about this. They have fucked my meds so much it’s not funny.