Category: suicide
new year’s eve eve
New year’s eve eve
I am in pain and having dark thoughts. My foot is being crushed and my ankle is being stabbed. CRPS is such a wonderful condition, isn’t it? I got up to get a thumb drive my friend’s hubby made for me so I can watch the stuff on it. I am not really planning on leaving my bed tomorrow, unless my pain is low. I am supposed to go to my sister’s party. We’ll see what kind of mood and how much pain I am in.
My baseball history book arrived tonight, an hour after they said it was supposed to be delivered. I am only guessing the weather had something to do with it. The roads are kind of icy due to snow and it being freezing out. I had to get the package before someone stole it. I already started Neil Gaiman’s book Neverwhere. It is okay so far, but I can tell it is going to be weird.
I tried writing in my journal a few hours ago. I got another dizzy spell. I think it was because I was late with my pain meds. I am feeling so tired and I want to sleep but my damn ankle and foot hurt too much. Just moving them on the bed to get comfortable is painful. I am in a rotten mood. I don’t know what I am going to do. I took my pain meds and now I just have to wait for them to work. Wait. That is all I fucking do with this stupid fucking condition. Wait for this and that all the fucking time. And while I am waiting, I hurt so damn bad. I just want to fucking die. What is the purpose of living anyway if you are just going to be in fucking pain??
I thought the new med was helping me but tonight it isn’t doing shit. I know it is making me tired like my other meds are. I can feel the effects but for some strange reason my brain is fighting off the sleep because of pain. I know when I lay down, I am going to hurt more and then it is going to be a lay down, sit up kind of night. I hate this game. It is not fun. I thought about watching a TV show, MASH or something but my brain is not going to be paying attention to it. It will be like background noise or something and I hate that. Why bother putting it on if you are not going to watch and pay attention to it?
I really want to die. I have the plans in my head but I don’t want to be found in my room. I am so fed up with myself for thinking these plans and never going through with any of them. I am such a coward. I hate myself. I guess the saying, “I have one option left, to suffer”, really is true. Makes me mad though. So very mad. Maybe I deserve it. I am just a scumbag. I get no peace because I am in pain all the fucking time and no medical professional cares enough to try and ease my pain. I am done with this shit. I don’t know when I will take my life but I will one day. Maybe some alcohol will give me the motivation I need to go through with it or something. I can’t go on like this. It is a joke. A big fucking joke.
Protected: dark thoughts running through my brain
another day of messing up
Another day of messing up
I woke up around 730 or so, I am not sure. I know I took my pain meds and then did my business in the bathroom. I think I recorded taking the pills in my Google drive excel sheet. I could have sworn I emailed the file to myself. Least I thought I did. I left the house around 0820 to go to Starbucks for breakfast. I had breakfast and then I went to work on the file. I had some difficulty connecting to Starbucks WiFi so I just used my hotspot. I check my email and there was no file attached. I checked my phone to see where it saved to and got nothing. I just figured I could work on the spreadsheet online. HUGE mistake. Either my computer was slow and couldn’t keep up or the internet connection was shit. Either way, whatever I did was saved, thus preventing me from undoing whatever I did. I lost ALL MY DATA FOR THE YEAR!!! I have no idea if there is a way to recover it or not. I was so annoyed I just fumed.
My cousin called me and told me my uncle was in the hospital. He didn’t tell me which one so I was like whatever. No one tells me anything anyway so I am not worried. I decided to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts. As I was responding to some message, my sister called me telling me she was taking my mother to the doctors and that my uncle was at the place I was going to. After I picked up the scripts I went over to the building where my uncle was. A lot of walking. I stood the whole half hour or so while I visited. My ankle and back didn’t like that one bit. Around 1130, I left to go home and wished my uncle well and get better soon. He was thankful I visited.
I got home and wondered what time I had taken my pain meds. I figure around 1500 I would take them. I marked it in my med app to remind me of the next dose. I recorded it but didn’t take the meds. Then I got busy with my niece coming home from school and my mother coming home from the doctors. I had made a cup of coffee as my niece came home. I’ll probably be up all night but I think pain is going to be a major factor. My mother got settled and then I cooked dinner for my niece, my mother, and I. Nothing fancy just hot dogs and beans for my mother and I and mac and cheese for my niece. When we were finished and I was cleaning up, I didn’t feel right. I started feeling like I did the other day when I missed my pain meds. Uh oh. I went up to my room to take my meds but my damn bowels decided to act up. I had to run downstairs and I just made it to the bathroom. My ankle and foot didn’t like the run part at all. When I had finished, the liquid soap was out so I refilled it. That was the intention. I got the stupid soap every where because the hole in the bottle was small and caused an air bubble. I was ready to say fuck it when I figured out how to get it in. My back didn’t like standing while I emptied the small bottle of liquid soap and neither did my ankle. I was getting really dizzy and needed to get to my bed. Soon as went to my room, I took my meds. Now I got to fight off the withdrawal until they kick in.
midnightdemons7 
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