I was waiting at the bus stop today and four police cruisers stopped and pulled over in from of Citizen’s back. The supervisor went inside and then one of the employees locked the door. I recently got a funny text saying that every 15 mins a bank gets robbed. Maybe that was one of the banks. I don’t know. No swat team or other special police arrived while I was waiting for the bus. All the time though I was praying a stray bullet would hit me and kill me. Bad thoughts I know but I just couldn’t help but think it.
Met with my psychiatrist today. No med changes. Just keep doing what I have been doing. It’s like the Mary Chapin song, “Simple Life”. Shrink says see you next week. That is how I feel. I know she gets what I keep telling her every two weeks but sometimes I wish there was some thing more she could do. But there really isn’t and that is the frustrating part. These docs just expect you to live with your illness and if you can’t well then there is always the hospital to help you try. I really can’t stand it sometimes. I get angry with her though there is no reason to. We have exhausted all medications. The rest is up to day to day management and making sure I keep my end of the bargain which is actually taking my meds.
I’m still trying to work on this comparison paper that I hope to post soon. Thing is I am so stuck on it that I just can’t move forward on it and then I read some new study that has a new measurement so I am conflicted as to whether or not to include it. This paper is good but I just don’t know where to go with it anymore. It’s so frustrating.
The urges for cutting have been strong today. I am trying not to think about it because it would be very easy to give in. I have been playing the radio as a distraction and so far it has been working. I would rather plan my death but all I want to do is cut. Right now I am saving up money for a hotel room so I can get away one of these nights and be away for a while. I just need to get out of my house and into something else so I can think and maybe write a bit. I don’t know where I will go but maybe the Best Western or someplace like that. Just a place I can be truly alone without being hounded by the loud TV. Maybe stepping out of my environment will let me get out more and get my coffee and work on things in my head about what I need to do. I don’t know this is just an idea. The last time I tried this I came home everyday because I forgot one thing or another.
I have been sleeping most of the day. My heart is still filled with a deep sadness that never goes away. And the pain that I feel is tremendous. I can barely move. I have no appetite. I just want to stay in bed and do nothing. I don’t know why I feel this way. I just do. I know I should make some coffee and some breakfast, maybe having the slice of pizza I saved last night but I just can’t think about food. I just want to sleep. I feel fine physically. But I don’t feel fine mentally. Mentally I feel like someone is squishing my heart like a sponge. I can barely breathe because there is a weight on my chest. I think about killing myself but the question is where? Where do I take my life? I don’t have a car and I don’t have a place that I can jump off. I’m stuck being in this world living like an inhuman being.
Been having a hard time the last few hours. I really want to do some self-harm. I just am disgusted with myself for some reason and want to cut. I feel like I should be doing something but what I should be doing I have no idea.
I have been also feeling a lot of psychache. Every time I feel it I feel like I have to do something self-destructive. I don’t know why I get this way. It’s not like anything happened. I have been listening to Gary Allan and playing my games. I had breakfast and wanted to get back to sleep. My back is bothering me because it’s thirteen degrees out. I thought I would go out but it’s too cold. I hate getting all bundled up just to mail a letter.
My breasts have been bothering me so maybe that is the problem. They are extremely itchy because of dry skin and the cold. I hate it. I hate my chest things with a despicable passion. I just can’t stand how my body is and there is no way I can like it until the things are chopped off. I am starting to save my money so I can get the operation. I figure by the time I get that much money saved, I might be on hormone replacement therapy. I am trying but it’s not easy. I really know I should meet with the special docs that deal with this stuff and maybe my menses would really stop. It’s been a month and a half that I have been dealing with this and I am not liking it!!! I have to wear female underwear because the pads don’t fit well in my boxers. It is so depressing and demoralizing. Just another way for my stupid body to remind me that I am not who I am. I just want to cry.
I haven’t told any other family members about me wanted to be who I am. I just can’t seem to bring myself to tell my mother or my other sister. I am just afraid that I will become suicidal as the sister I told had some reservations about this. It’s making me suicidal anyway. I just am so tired of fighting who I am not. The struggle is unbearable. If I could I would just stab myself right now. That is how bad I feel but the stupid breast would probably get in the way and I would just cause tissue damage than any organ damage. My life just sucks…
It’s been a few days since my last blog. I think I have run out of writing material. I just have been so down that I just can’t write. Nothing interesting has happened other than I finally got my phone fixed. I took off Google Voice and that seemed to bring me back to the Sprint network. I was able to connect to my friend in the UK but the connection was stinky. Half way through I got disconnected. I was pissed. Then she ringed me back and we talked some more.
I also talked with my friend from Canada. I miss talking with her so much. But she is back working so doesn’t have the time she used to to chat. We talk mostly through Facebook chat but would love to call her again.
Went out for dinner tonight. Had a glass of wine. I still feel lightheaded. I am a light drinker. Dinner was ok. I have had better Italian food. Even the brownie sundae sucked.
Been tweeting my country radio station most of the evening. I just think they are so awesome an there hasn’t been much tweeter traffic so I am tweeting away. I’m probably annoying the DJ, LOL…But he did play Downtown by Lady A. I love this new song. I can’t wait till it comes out on Amazon so I can download it, legally of course. I don’t believe in downloading illegal stuff. It’s just wrong to do so. I know people that do it but I don’t.
Had an interesting day today. I wanted to talk to my friend in England so I made the phone call, except I could only talk for 5 mins!! I was like WTF because I pay extra to be able to call internationally on my phone. SO I call sprint and everything seems to be in order on their end. The guy then transfers me to the international section of Sprint. Turns out that because my phone is a Google phone and Google voice is on, that was the problem, I think. I won’t be able to call my friend until tomorrow night to see if this works. This sucks but I have a therapy appt in a half hour so don’t want to be on the phone too long.
I rewarded myself with getting my Claddaugh ring fixed and sized the right size. I picked it up yesterday. Luckily it was just under $300 USD. The most I have ever spent on myself outside of electronics such as laptops. The reason it cost so much was because I had the shank fixed as well. I LOVE it! It fits so nice and I miss wearing a ring.
I have been stressed the past few days because of financial reasons. I have to call to work out a plan with my student loans before they garnish my SSD check. I am so worried they are going to leave me with nothing. I so wanted to save up for a car this year but doesn’t look like that is going to be likely. I need to be able to pay the cable bill, my mother for the mortgage, and my cell phone bill. I also NEED to have money for my “crack” Starbucks coffee but I can do without as I can go several days without needing it. But when I want it, I want it dammit. It is the only JOY I have in my life is that one cup of coffee a day.
I still have my fucking menses that are just driving me beserk. I was supposed to call the repro-endo doc today but never got the chance as I was lazy when I woke up this morning. It is still cold out, not as cold as it was yesterday but still cold and I wasn’t sure I wanted to go out. I had some mail to mail so I said the hell with it and went out. Sometime I just need to push myself. But while I was walking it felt like I was walking in mud. I hate that feeling more than anything. Some days I feel like I am light as air and other days I am walking with cement shoes on my feet. I don’t get it. I also had another damn problem with my fucking pain medication. Doc wrote for extra so in case I need them, I have them. Well the way he wrote it is only for a month supply only and the pharmacy won’t give me this extra! ARGH!!!! I am so fucking pissed off because last month he said he was going to change the prescription to 1-2 tabs a day and this month he didn’t. I am so pissed off right now. I just hope I don’t have any pain flair ups that necessitate me needing more than what I have. I am like so terrified of getting flare ups. It really activates my PTSD. I start having flashbacks of what it was like having CES all over again and then the surgery and all that I went through to get to where I am today. Not that I am 100% better, I am not. But at least I am not walking with a walker or cane all the time. It kills me when I see an old person with a walker when I am on the bus. It just reminds me how lucky I am that my doctors knew what I had. Some people that have CES or Cauda Equina Syndrome weren’t so lucky and have to use a cane or walker to get around. Some are worse off and can’t walk at all and need a wheelchair because their legs are so weak.
Whenever I get a pain flare up I tend to go into flashback mode. It is not a pleasant experience. I remember things that have happened in the past as if it were happening today. I get anxious and nervous. I start worrying. It is the worst feeling in the world. And then I want to get rid of the pain. If the pain meds don’t work, I usually want to cut. Cut off the affected limb so I am no longer in pain. Or just stab myself to relief the pain. I know that doesn’t make sense but it is what runs through my head during these times. It is awful. And I can’t usually move during these flare ups. I am incapacitated. I can just barely move enough to down some pills and hope it take away my misery. I hate being bedridden with this type of pain. I always keep my cell phone handy just in case I need to call someone and have them help me. Because my mother is deaf and with my closed bedroom door she is not going to hear me nor does she have the mobility to go up the stairs and help me, but at least she is someone I can call in case of emergency.