2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May05 Cinco de Mayo

Happy Cinco de Mayo if you celebrate it. I don’t because it is a rebellion that is for only those people and I don’t drink so no point.

I had stayed up until four in the morning. I was trying to do something and it just wasn’t going to work. I had no idea time was flying while I was attempting to do this. So stupid.

Today is my cousin’s birthday. I honestly don’t remember the year she was born so no idea how old she is. I think she turned 30 last year or the year before. I was invited but couldn’t go because of pain.

“I am now the most miserable man living. if what I feel were equally distributed to the whole human family, there would not be one cheerful face on the earth. Whether I shall ever be better I cannot tell; I awfully forebode I shall not. To remain as I am is impossible; I must die or be better, it appears to me.” –Abraham Lincoln.

This quote is what things feel like now. I sent it to my psych last night as I was having strong urges and thoughts and visions of knives being in my chest. Past two days have been rough with suicidality. I wish I could say what is on my mind but am too afraid someone might call the cops on me for feeling the way I do. I see my psych on Friday and might tell her. I also need to call her, again, Monday. I want to tell her over the phone as that will be easier but on the other hand, I am not sure I will be a free bird after I tell her. I appreciate her wanting to check in with me so often but I kind of want her to leave me alone, too. I know she is worried about me and she would leave me alone if she felt I was okay enough.

I was up till 0430 this morning. I had my laptop and this document up so apparently started writing and dozed off a bit. I was in such a rotten mood last night. Because I made breakfast, my damn foot is acting up. I’ve been bad about doing PT exercises. I don’t care anymore. If I do them, I do them, if I don’t, fuck it. I hate stressing over it. I feel bad because my PT and I have been making progress except for the balance and calf issue. It has been nearly three months now and my calf is still hard as a rock. Every time I try to stretch it out, I have pain the next day and can barely stand, much less walk. I know it is sore but fuck, I need to be able to do those things, even if it is around the house. My heel pain has been much better, flaring every so often now. I have no idea what triggers the pain as I can be walking fine and then it will hurt. Last time I had just turned to throw something out while in my kitchen and was hit with pain. Then it went away (nothing really helps make it go away other than resting it). I am so tired of being in pain between the two feet that it is driving me so nuts to the point of being suicidal all the time. Sure my mood doesn’t help but neither does being in severe pain every day. The new extended release has brought my every day pain down. I forgot what it was like living with a 3 level pain every day. But the flares haven’t stopped. I still have them where I can see stars at times and then my suicidality will fricken increase so much. Usually when it calms down the next day, I am not so suicidal. Past few days, I have no idea what is going on but I just am plain suicidal. I am not going to act on what I feel or think, but damn, I can’t shake them off. I have tried things that have worked in the past but I can’t seem to decrease them and the more I try the harder they are around. Doesn’t help when your psychache is out of control, either. Psychache is when you have unbearable anguish, despair, frustration, emotional pain, guilt, perturbation, worthlessness, etc. It has been coming on strong. That is why the quote from Abraham Lincoln is so poignant right now. This quote has been on my mind a lot, too:

“I appear at times merry and in good heart, talk too before others quite reasonably, and it looks as if felt too. God knows how well within my skin yet the soul maintains it deathly sleep and the heart bleeds from a thousand wounds”. Hugo Wolf

I posted that with my Instagram account last night with a pick of me looking pathetic. Well, actually, it looked like I was in pain, which I was, just like I am now. Foot pain has gone up and so has psychache. Eventually my perturbation and lethality will skyrocket and I will act. I just don’t know when that will be. Maybe I will save up for a hotel room. I don’t know. I need some place to do it other than my bedroom. There isn’t any deserted places around where I live. Kind of sucks and the weather calls for rain most of the week so being outside won’t be ideal. Maybe going in the hospital will give me some breathing room. I don’t know anymore. I still need to straighten out my room. I was going to change sheets today but I don’t have the energy for it. I still need to clear off the corner of my bed that likes to accumulate shit. Trying to keep that corner clear is a joke at this point. Ready to just throw it on the floor and be done with it.

2019May04

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Red Sox are winning over the White Sox right now, having a 15-1 lead. They are in the Windy City. Chavis has hit 2 bombs, his 1st multi hit HR game. He is the rookie. I just watch via Twitter.

Psych wanted me to call. I did. She didn’t get back to me until a little while ago. I still feel suicidal but didn’t tell her about the things I was thinking or feeling. Thought I would escape until she said in no uncertain terms I am to call her Monday night. Fuck. Should have said just see you Friday but didn’t think that would work. Might be able to do it Monday.

I just had a protein bar. I have no appetite. I was going to make fish and chips, with the leftover Fries from last night but never got hungry. Least the bar is something. I am in such an ugly mood.

I will be going to bed soon. Game won’t be over for another hour or two. I wanted to read Harry as it has been a while but I just can’t seem to read more than a few sentences before my mind wanders. It has been hot in my room so been turning off and on the ceiling fan. Think I will take off the fleece blanket for now. I never know if the air is going to flare up my foot. Foot and ankle are throbbing but not too bad. My right ankle and foot have been weird, having intense pain for a little while then stopping. No idea why.

Monday I am going to try to go out. I haven’t left the house since I saw my psych last week. I need to work on clearing my bed again as my sheets need changing. Maybe I can do that tomorrow. At this point the thing is to just throw the shit in a corner and be done with it. I will see how I feel. I took some gaba. I so wanted a coffee today but woke up well after 2 PM. I’d be up all night if I had some.

That is all for now on my boring life. Until tomorrow

2019May03

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Don’t have much to say. Same shit different day. Waiting for psych to call. Maybe I will write more after she does. Until then, here is a pic of a pitbull with a bow in her hair.

2019May02

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

2019May02

I had a good talk with my psych last night that I am still thinking about today. Unfortunately, the better mood didn’t last as today I am feeling really blah and down. I am trying to hold on to the feelings and words from last night but it is so hard, like trying to hold water in my hands. I had ordered food. I thought if I bought something I would be able to finish it even though I wasn’t hungry but I only ate about a little more than half before I couldn’t eat anymore. I couldn’t even finish the onion rings. I just feel so down. Makes me wonder if going on an antidepressant would be a good thing for at least a few weeks rather than continuing to hope this is going to pass.

I was able to clear off some of my desk stuff. I just put it in a box to go through at some point but at least my desk is clear. I just need to really dust it off. And get rid of some of the other stuff that isn’t paper related. I kicked a bunch of dust in the air, which my lungs loved. I did one thing to clear my room and now I just need to take out the trash and recycle. Kind of stinks because today was trash and recycle day. Oh well. Least the stuff will be in an empty bin.

I wasn’t on my feet too long but long enough that my foot and ankle are hurting me. It is mild right now and hope it doesn’t get worse. I am thinking of having my doc actually write up a doctor’s note just to see what she would say. She was so adamant about getting my family off my back, even having them call her if they don’t believe me that I need to be off my feet or whatever. I am not saying that to make it seem like I need an excuse not to do stuff around my room. I have been doing stuff but not at the pace my sisters want it to be done. My middle sister thinks that because I am home all day means I need to just clear and clean the whole time, not even going out of the house for coffee as if I can do that than I can do this then. I am so frustrated and being upset just contributes to my pain. It has been such a nasty cycle of pain and bad mood feeding off each other. I was having flares nearly day or just went on for days. The suicidality piece has been on mind for a long time. My psych told me not do it over this. I could hear her trying to plead with me (for lack of a better word) not to do it.

I have mixed feeling about this because I have been planning my death since January. This was well before I knew my sister was going to be moving in with us. I just had enough of the pain and low mood that I felt the end of March was to be when it would fall through. But the day I planned rained and nearly every week after that has rained or my psych intervened some how to prevent me from going through it. April was a tough month. I know the increase in my extended release med has been helping me because my pain isn’t as severe as it was. I am back down to a low 3, which I wasn’t on since starting this new med more than a year ago. I haven’t been too active since starting it only because I had flared up my leg so much compensating for pain I needed to rest it. I thought I was okay but yesterday I went out and flared it up again. I didn’t even walk more than a block. I hate that this syndrome of pain has crippled me so much. I have only left my house to go to appointments. There was only one fun day and that was when I went to a ball game the second week in April. I barely leave my house anymore for anything, not even to sit and write at Starbucks. I have decreased my funds at Starbucks because I have not gone in so long.

I understand why my psych doesn’t want me to die by my own hand. I have grown on her for a while now and even though I forget the few times she has shown her feelings for me, I know they are there. I don’t know if she can comprehend just how much I want to die, though. I know it sounds stupid, even though she does understand why I want to end things right now and I can go ahead with it any time I choose. I just haven’t. Maybe she is banking on my ambivalence. I don’t know. All week I have felt like a burden to her and a waste of her time. But last night, I felt like I wasn’t.

Since becoming disabled, I have been involved in the suicide prevention community on Twitter. A good friend of mine worked with a researching in bereavement of suicide people. That person did a large research project and found that for every suicide at least 135 people are affected. Often, those who think of suicide don’t think their lives have any meaning to anyone. I feel guilty knowing that there will be at least, if not more, than 135 people who will feel the loss of my life. I often block out my family when I am most suicidal but often think about how my nieces and nephew will be after I am gone. Sometimes it is enough to keep me here. Other times, I just can’t think about it because my suicidality is too great. I hate feeling guilty. I feel like being told this is just a huge guilt trip and that you are being forced to live a life you don’t want to live because of other people. Is that how you should live? Is somehow my suffering not enough to die but the others are? People need to stop ending their lives because of the pain of others. It is just exactly like saying your pain doesn’t count. It makes me mad that these statistics are there. But to me, I feel that everyone is just that. A statistic. That all anyone is, whether you have brown hair, red hair, blue eyes, brown eyes, etc. That is why I plan. I plan and when the day comes I decide if I am going to be around or not. Yes, I could do it tomorrow, and I may. No one is telling me I have to be here. My psych wants me to be around and I am sure there are others, too. I just don’t want to be and know one day soon, I won’t.