Tag: baseball

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I can’t remember what for. I just know it disrupted my sleep. I woke up a little before my med alarm and kind of just laid there until it went off. I just didn’t want to get up. By the time the alarm went off. My bladder was saying hurry up so I was forced to get up. My bowels seemed to awakened too, so that was a good sign after almost four days of not going. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and hoped I wouldn’t puke as the post nasal drip started. I was just miserable with allergies in the morning. I think because the pollen is in the screens I just need a whiff for it to send my histamine crazy. When the weather is cooler, I just will hose them off. Be easier than washing them in the sink.

I didn’t want to get dressed, much less go to the pharmacy to straighten out my medication issue. I talked with the girl who has her shit together and is really helpful. I told her about this weekend and she said she would pass it along to the manager as she wasn’t in yet. I really hope my pain medication do not become an issue every month because people can’t read or look something up in the computer. I only use the one pharmacy (like I am supposed to with my pain contract). I really don’t want to have to go to another one only because of convenience.

After that, I went to the bus stop and my cousin came by. Sweet! I got a ride to the Square. I was still feeling pretty shitty. I didn’t make the espresso right as the barista put too much ice in the cup. I was too tired to do anything about it. I figured I would drink it anyway but the allergies were making me sick. I had a bagel and some of the espresso. Then I just zoned out. I didn’t feel like writing. I hardly touched my drink. I just sat there, staring out to the street watching cars parallel park and a smoker sit and then stand because he was an idiot. He sat in front of a door and people kept coming out. You would think after the third time, just stand but nope, down he went again. Idiot.

I left to go to the station. I had to use the bathroom anyway and I don’t like Starbucks. They are kind of claustrophobic to me. I left early but just got to my therapist’s office within minutes of the appointment. Fricken bus was late. I would have walked but I felt too shitty. Now I had to wait till after session to use the bathroom. I talked about things that were stupid. Nothing really of importance. I told him about the fight I had with my sister calling me rude. And about work. I miss work, sort of. I don’t miss the docs and nurses yelling at me. That part can take a hike. But there were some nurses who were nice and appreciative of going out of my way to help them, if I could. I did that for some, not all. Some times the floor would call like three times and get three different people who gave different answers. That would annoy me and frustrate the floor, which I don’t blame them, especially when it was a sick patient who was a hard stick.

I then walked home. I tried doing it all in one shot but it didn’t work. I got to city hall and had to stop. I made a phone call to the LGBT clinic for the testosterone therapy. I couldn’t get through. I walked the rest of the way then went down the stairs slowly. I caught the bus home. My ankle was killing me. Felt like the bone was ready to pop off. I hate when it gets that way. I had take a BT med after therapy. I finally reached home and was more exhausted than ever. My legs felt like they were going to collapse on me at any minute. I did some PT exercises at Starbucks but not everything. I haven’t been doing them and my PT is going to yell at me. I am getting frustrated with myself because I just can’t keep up with everything. And this week is really busy. I need to kind of chill because of the wedding and concert. I am going to be so sore come Sunday. I probably should cancel therapy for that Monday as I know I am probably going to need another day of rest. I want to see how the wedding goes. Then I will decide.

I didn’t stay up to hear if the Sox won or lost last night. They won. Their 98th win of the season. They still have 18 games left in the season so I think they are going to have more than 100 wins. I am really excited about this because this will be the first time in my lifetime the Sox win 100 or more games. I am so happy for them. Just hope the Sept curse isn’t upon them where they implode. Will really suck if they just have the wild card game because they play badly. They will be playing tough teams so we’ll see. They are off tonight as the Jays are coming into Boston. Jays have been eliminated from playoffs. The AL Central has three teams that have been eliminated. I forget who is left. Going to be exciting either way. It all comes down to these games. Can’t believe it is already September.

Hot and humid and feeling exhaustipated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hot and humid and feeling exhaustipated

(note, I “stole” pic from twitter so might be taken down)

I thought the weather was going to be cooler, but I guess maybe tomorrow that starts. I had a rough time getting up. I woke up before my med alarm and I had all the intention of taking my meds but I didn’t until two hours later. I got up after I took them. My legs felt like jelly and within a few minutes, my back was cramping from standing. This didn’t bode well. I left my room to enter a steaming oven. This wore me out even before I got to the bottom of the stairs. I figure I would shave and shower. This took so much energy. My back get cramping and I was grateful the seat in the shower was for that, sitting, not a storage for shower things. I had to sit at least three times. Then one more after I dried off. I didn’t bother with clothes as it was too hot and I was sweating by the time I got back to my cold room.

I didn’t have too much time to rest on my bed. I cooled off as much as I could in the time I had. Then I got dressed. I had no idea what to wear. I couldn’t find the shorts I wanted to wear and what I wanted to wear needed to be washed. That sucked because my mother just did laundry yesterday. I would have to wait till the hamper was full again. I had spiked my hair after I showered because I wanted to see what it looked like. It was too short but doable. It looked ok. I used a cream thing rather than gel. Gel probably would have been better. I will use that for the wedding next week. I gathered my stuff and then went downstairs. I put on my socks and the brace for the sprain. Then went to the kitchen to get my cup and my mother needed something mailed. I didn’t want to go out. But I did anyways.

The bus was fricken late. I didn’t get to Starbucks until 1220. The bus left the station at 1137 and came around noon. It didn’t leave me much time to eat and write. I actually didn’t write as all. By the time I was done eating and catching up on social media and the game (Sox were playing at noon), it was time to go. I left for the train and my legs just did not want to move. I labored to the station. My hip felt like it was frozen. The heat was unbearable. I was just miserable. The stuffiness inside the station didn’t help. I rested for a bit before the next train came. I thought there was some kind of delay as the time thing said the train was “stopped.” Then the announcement came over saying the train was “one stop away.” That was new. No idea when the bozos came up with that junk. Kind of freaked me out a little thinking I would be late for my appointment even though I left early. I got off at my stop and waited for the bus that would take me to my therapist’s office. It is a 10 minute walk but in the heat and to conserve energy, I just been taking the bus, which is two stops away.

Therapy went well. I need to “be more angry”. I laughed. It just seemed really funny because it was so damn obvious. I don’t show my anger that often and when I do, I often cry because it scares me or I am too frustrated and angry and I just sob and shake. We ended up talking about the one time I beat my sister up and then I basically shoved my feelings up, never to be seen again. I know I fell into a depression but I couldn’t be beating someone up when I got bad. I felt horrible that I hurt my sister. I felt like a monster. I left the house that day and didn’t want to return. I hid at my solace place. I remember my friend and other sister were looking for me. I just hid. I didn’t care about going home. Home life sucked and I didn’t care. I just resolved never to show feelings again. Hence why I am in therapy and I have a disconnect.

I left his office and couldn’t walk back to the station. I waited for the bus. I had to walk to the elevator, which was kind of hard. I really had to hit the button a few times because it just wasn’t working. I didn’t want to go down the stairs. It is hard with two braces on. With the extra time that I took with taking the bus back, I didn’t think I would catch the bus home. Luckily, the bus was a few minutes late. I went to the pharmacy to pick up my scripts. I thought I was going to die. There was an elderly couple in front of me and they were taking forever and another customer waiting. My back was killing me. When I got my things, I had to take a rest at the bus stop for a few minutes. I was dying from the heat and knew it was only going to be worse when I got in my house. I got the mail and it was hotter than hell in the house. I just wanted to be with my AC. My sister had some salad and spinach thing but I wasn’t hungry. I just dropped my things and went to my room to turn on the AC. I then ate once I was cold.

I hope I don’t have pain tonight. I put on a lido patch on my thigh as a preventative. I put diclofenac on last night. It helped some as well. Nice to know I have a few things to use. I can alternate. I am so tired. But I saw this pup with his head tilted and my heart melted. Puppeh, you can have whatever you desire, LOL (I know I have a blind follower, I don’t know what kind of doggie he/she is, maybe an English bulldog, brown with a black snout and pointed ears) I am a sucker for head tilts…

28 Aug 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

28 Aug 18

My cell phone provider has been calling me all week. I finally answered the phone and they wanted me to upgrade. I told them to take me off their list as I will upgrade when I want not when you tell me to! Idiots.

I had PT today. My leg cramped up because of being weak. Then we worked on my thigh. We basically just massaged it with lotion, which I didn’t use last night when it was hurting the fuck out of me. It was hurting me today but walking around made it feel better so I didn’t care. I have no idea if massage is the only treatment for it or not. I wasn’t clear on what else can be done for it. She explained why it was hurting but it was kind of over my head. Something about the muscle being in a short position when I am on the computer or just resting in my bed. Doesn’t help with getting rid of the pain!! I still have to wear the stupid fucking air cast. I hate that thing. My AFO I had to remove on the way home. It just got really hot and my foot was burning so damn bad. I changed to my new sneakers and not sure if the plastic is getting hot from the heat or what. I got to call the brace clinic to find out what to do as this is not good. I would love to go without but am afraid that if my ankle goes out on me, I will be dragging my foot and that will be worse. My PT wants me to carry the cane with me just to have some support. I told her about how yesterday people were just stupid! I wanted to carry it just to hit people on the head. But she said just carry it in the bag. UGH ok. I need a bigger bag for all the things I need to carry. My messenger bag that I paid good money for is small for my needs. I am on the fence to go back to a backpack.

It was really hot today. I wanted to shower when I got home but lost the energy for it. I am too tired. I will tomorrow. I canceled therapy. My therapist sent me an email for that and for Monday as it is a holiday. I won’t see him until next week. By then things should be settling down some. I still have to work out the 2nd week in Sept as I have a lot of stuff going on. I might cancel that Wed so I have a rest day. I can’t do anything about seeing my PCP that Thursday as it will be a bitch to reschedule. Then wedding and concert. Yay! Not. I am still nervous about it.

My PT was telling me that she wasn’t surprised I flare every Monday as I am going through emotional stuff in therapy and then getting there and home takes a lot of energy. CRPS is a nervous system thing and so is the emotional stuff. So what ever I can do on the downtime on the ride home will help me. I usually listen to music but I can’t deal with the idiots that get in my way or the bumpy bus ride.

Tonight I am going to try and not pay attention to the game. They are playing the Marlins, interleague. I don’t like interleague games. I think it is stupid. But whatever. I don’t have a say in the schedule. The September schedule looks to be a bitch as we play tough teams, except the Mets but even easy teams we seem to lose so I can’t count them as an automatic win. We still are six games ahead of the snakes, who lost yesterday so that helped. Our last three games of the season is with NY. I have a feeling it is going to be a division thing but we’ll see. Just nerve racking but I am not going to think about it tonight. I am just going to listen to country music and maybe read Poe Shadow. Hope my pain doesn’t get worse. I usually know by 2100 if it will and it is not close to that time yet. Hate my life so much.

26-Aug-18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

26 Aug 18

Didn’t write a blog yesterday. I did a lot of stuff once my groceries delivered. I then crashed around 1430 and I was done for the day. My mother called me for dinner and it took me a half hour to get up and eat something. I stayed up for a little bit but didn’t feel like writing. The Sox were bombing at the Trop. Someone or something jinxed them and they lost their first series of the season. It was Player’s Weekend and their jerseys were horrible. I hated the hats. Tampa Bay was so much worse. They have tomorrow off and I hope it rests them a bit.

I wanted to bake something today but I went back to sleep after I used the bathroom and woke up late. By then it was hot as hell in the kitchen. I just made a sub for lunch. Then ordered some Burger King for dinner. I don’t usually eat BK, but it has been a long while since I had the whopper and onion rings so I figured why not. The delivery guy got lost. The place is not far from my house. It is like 3 lights and boom, my house is there. But he said his GPS was wrong or something. I don’t know. My food was cold so I didn’t enjoy it as I would have. I probably won’t order again. I like McDonalds anyways.

I did my med box for the week. I got aggravated because I knew the damn female hormones were on my bed in the clutter. I started throwing shit off my bed to find it. I am so annoyed. When I do clear it off, and change my sheets, nothing is going there again. Course I said that last time and it didn’t work. I got to try and keep that corner of my bed clear because it is a bitch to clear off. Maybe I will just get a box and throw shit in there rather than put it on my bed. I don’t know. I have to change my sheets as the foam topper is annoying the fuck out of me. I am going to duct take that shit to my mattress and hope it works. I honestly don’t know what to do. My next step is to get another mattress or foam thing. I will have to get it at a mattress store. There is one mattress that comes in a box and it has memory foam. It is like $600 or so. I have to look into it as it isn’t like a Serta or Therapeutic thing. I think it is called Lull. It was a stupid ad on Instagram that sucked me in. So now all the box mattresses ads are coming at me. I just want a quality mattress that will last more than a few years and stay within my budget. But this topper likes to slide off the bed as I am getting up. I don’t notice it until I get back on an there is less space between the foam and my nightstand. Both corners of my sheets are off so I can shove the thing where it is supposed to be. That is why I am worried the tape isn’t going to work. It will just slide off, come undone or something. If they sold huge amounts of superglue I would buy it to adhere the topper to my mattress. But it might be time to get another one and call the $60 a waste. The $100 one I bought like 15 years ago lasted me a long time. I only had to give it up because it was old and coming apart. Foam was sticking to my sheets and it was just gross. Now this one isn’t staying on the damn bed! If anyone has a foam topper they love, please comment and tell me what it is!

Was talking to my barber buddy. I showed him a pic of the back of my head as I just shaved it. It wasn’t as bad as I thought but he told me I should stop for a few days and then show him again to see how it looks. Then I see my barber for a line so I can use as a guide and sort of fix it. The top is getting to be the length I want it to be and should be by the time of my cousin’s wedding. I want the top spiked and the sides and back shaved. I honestly have no fucking idea how I am going to go to this wedding, with a week full of appts, and then a concert the next fucking night. I am already having anxiety over this. My sister spent good money on the tickets so I don’t want them going to waste. This is why I am so damn angry with the pain doc because if he fucking increased the dose, I wouldn’t be worrying. I would be covered. But the guy is an asshole. I still have no idea how I am going to deal. And it is a long car ride to the wedding and to the stadium so that got me nervous, too. I don’t know if we are coming home the night of the wedding or not. My sister was talking about getting a hotel near the stadium but not sure if that is still the plan. I just will be having a shit load of pain meds on me and limit my alcohol intake. Just one or two drinks will be my limit. I don’t know if my cousin that moved to Texas will be there. He is like the male version of the lunatic, but 4 notches down and can be reasonable. I really love him as he is gay and has been open in the family for a while. He just got married to his lifetime partner. They are a cute couple. I know I am going to feel like an outcast at this wedding. I always do with events on my mother’s side of the family. I don’t know if it is because I don’t hang around as much as my sisters do or what, but I always feel like a stranger.

My sprained ankle was causing me pain this morning. I did some exercises but not all because it hurt. My other ankle is a bitch and a half so I just hope it doesn’t flare up later like the dickhead it is.