Tag: baseball

It sucks being atypical

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

It sucks being Atypical

I just got off the phone with my psychiatrist. She thinks my musical “hallucinations” are not really psychotic in nature but are migraine in nature and that I should contact my neurologist. So Tuesday I will be calling to set up an appointment with her. I just hope they have fixed their phone lines because the last time I tried calling, I kept on getting a busy signal, no matter what time I called. I am sort of relieved that I am not as psychotic as I feel. The music is still playing in my head. A Reba song just started playing and I haven’t heard that song in months. It plays from beginning to end and then will start over again.

I am feeling anxious about all this. Hopefully there is something that can be done about it. My psych was hesitant to suggest any meds because I am already on a slew of them and some of them interact with what I am taking. I have a slight headache so I took some Excedrin. It usually works for my migraines/headaches. I am reluctant to take the triptans for my headache because of the interaction with the Zoloft.

My sister is having a dinner party. She is making lasagna and eggplant parm. I am not a fan of either of those foods, but I may have some lasagna. The funny thing is, she didn’t “invite” me, my mother did. I find this funny, but it’s typical. They just expect me to show up without asking me first. Course, it’s not like I am doing anything else today.

I realized yesterday that other than the book that I read on Thursday, I really haven’t been doing any reading the past few days. Summer is almost over and I am still not finished with Dostoevsky. I think the last time I read his book was last weekend. I really need to get cracking if I want to finish this book sometime in the near future.

Baseball is going on right now. There has been no score through six innings. It hasn’t been a pitcher’s duel as the Sox has been getting hits. Unfortunately, they just haven’t been able to score. Very frustrating as all weekend we have been kicking the A’s butt. As there is not a late game tonight, maybe I can go to bed at a decent hour. I kind of woke up late and have been really tired, even though I had my coffee. I feel like I could take a nap but that is bad at this hour. I might watch a movie. I bought “The Outsiders” and still haven’t so much as taken the wrapper off it. Only reason I haven’t watch it is because it’s a sad ending. It’s one of my favorite books and movies. Because of this headache, I don’t think I can read. I just hope it doesn’t progress to a full migraine. I might make a cup of tea. I haven’t had one in a long time. It might be just enough caffeine to stave off this stupid headache.

Saturday Blog 62

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 62

I made sliders for dinner. After dinner I was bored so I made sauce. And I am watching the baseball game while it cooks. I made it cook for three hours. It’s nice and thick and smells so yummy. My mother said I should have made a bowl of it. But the bread we have was not fresh and I hate eating stale bread. I will be giving some to my therapist on Tuesday when I see her, that is if my family doesn’t eat it all before then. Last time it went quick and I barely had any left over. But I made a small batch. This time I used 3 cans of tomatoes so it should last a while. I am proud of myself. Making sauce makes me happy because it’s something that I am good at.

After the blog I wrote this morning, I went back to sleep. I woke up around 1 and made some coffee. I thought my mother made both bags of cauliflower last night but she only made 1. So I made the cauliflower. I had some while the biscuits were cooking for the sliders. I then had some more while the biscuits were cooling. I love cauliflower. I can eat it plain, which is typically how I like it.

The baseball game is still going on but I had to get off my foot. I have been sneezing all day because the pollen count is high. I dared to take a shower between innings. Now my ankle and food are mad at me. I am tired so I will be going to bed soon. Next week starts college football and I can’t wait. Luckily Nebraska and OSU are at different times so I can watch both of them. I forget which is the afternoon game and which is the evening game.

I didn’t change my sheets today. I will try again tomorrow. I tried to clear off my bed but didn’t make too much headway with it. The sauce and baseball game kind of took over. I did a lot of cooking today which is why my ankle is hurting me. I am sure tomorrow it will hurt some more. I had to wash my feet because they were black as the ace of spades. I never wear socks or sandals on my feet in the house during the summer time. But they were really dirty as I haven’t take a shower in a few days so I washed them with a facecloth before my shower. My mother yells at me as I leave the dirt on the shower floor. I then have to clean it up but my back was killing me because of cooking and I didn’t want to do it. I wanted most of the dirt off so I can shower without cleaning it. After I showered, I did put on sandals so my feet didn’t get dirty again. By that time, the sauce was done cooking and I could go upstairs to my freezing room. I was having another sneeze attack as I was climbing the stairs. My mother heard me and asked me if I take anything for the pollen. I said I did so I took some Benadryl with the Allegra. I will be sleeping good tonight.

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.