Tag: bipolar disorder

Blog 2312018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blog 2312018

I’m not feeling creative in titles today so came up with a generic. I am still very tired as I did not sleep well last night so I slept most of the day today. I only got up to make something to eat and then foolishly made coffee that I thought would keep me awake but didn’t. I just took my night meds and will be going back to bed soon.

I had made a comment on a Boston page on how the governor wants to go after pharmaceutical companies in an effort to stem the opioid crisis. I cannot believe the ignorance surrounding chronic pain patients. Heroin and illicit Fentanyl are the leading causes of overdoses. I told them this and then said do you want more chronic pain suicides in this state? All I got was that doctors prescribe to their friends and family members who then distributes the medication to the streets. I didn’t respond to the stupidity of these statements. One guy then told me how Heroin was produce by Bayer (it was initially) and then morphine replaced it. Seriously? Morphine has been around since the late 1800s and that is NOT a street drug nor are people OD’g on it. Just pissed me off.

My book written by Anne Wheaton came today. It’s called Piggy and Pug. It is a very cute book about rescue animals. I want to send it to my friend in Canada that has three grandsons. I think they will like the book a lot.

I don’t have to buy a new French press. My lid is loose so I just need to hold it down while pouring. So now that Casi Cielo is back in the Starbucks stores, I will buy two bags. I love this coffee.

Last night, I closed my window and I am glad I did because it rained while I was up in the middle of the night and I could hear it off the window. It also helped the paranoia, some. I have been too tired to feel like people are watching me. I just want my pillow and that is all. So on that note, I will write more tomorrow. Ciao.

paranoia and other fun things, not

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, Paranoia, psychosis

Paranoia and other fun things, not

I met with my therapist today and told him that I have been increasingly paranoid the last few days. I am not sure if it started with my email being hacked or not. I just can’t shake the feeling I am being watched by someone/thing. It’s making me feel really uncomfortable. I also have been feeling like my psychiatrist and PCP have been conspiring against me and putting things in my medical record as well as watching me. When I told him, he thought my meds should be tweaked and I should call my psychiatrist. I was scared of calling her, because she is out to get me. I said I would when I got home.

I came home and got a dizzy attack. I think it is probably because I am dehydrated because despite it being cold, I have been sweating. I wore a heavy sweatshirt and when I walk, I just sweat. I was expecting it to snow or rain so wore my winter jacket. I was also roasting in my therapist’s office. It was way too warm. I broke down and called my psychiatrist. I didn’t want to email her because I knew that would feed into my delusion of her feeding my medical records. She called back and we talked. She told me she wasn’t watching me or adding stuff to my medical record. I felt a little better but wasn’t 100% convinced. She didn’t want to do anything med wise but wants me to call her in a few days. I am tempted to take some trilafon but that hasn’t helped with paranoia at all. Helps with my delusion and voices but not the paranoia. I really don’t want to increase the Invega anyways because that will just mean weight gain. I still haven’t been able to lose the weight I gained since starting it. Course I haven’t really tried either. But that is another story.

I haven’t had dinner yet. My mother called me when I got to the station just as a train was pulling in asking when I would be home. I told her I was on my way home and she said dinner was ready. That’s nice. Least I will have food when I am hungry later. I think once the dizzy spell subsides, I might be hungry.

I’m feeling really scared because of this feeling of being watched, even when I am alone in my room. I am tempted to close the window and drapes but then it will get hot in my room. I really hate this feeling and I can’t shake it. Music has been helping as a sort of background noise for me. I don’t know why, but it helps. I guess it just takes my mind off the feeling and I feel something else through the music. I think it’s kind of weird that since this has started, the music stuff that normally plays in my head has stopped or isn’t as loud as it was. My voices have stayed the same, no new ones. I hope that doesn’t change. It’s awful feeling like you are being monitored, even when you are alone. I might close the window and just turn on the ceiling fan. There has been a weird light that shines in my room and then goes off which hasn’t helped my suspicions.

I need to go to the LGBT website to see if there are papers I need filled out before my appointment with their doctor. I can’t believe in less than two weeks, I see him. It felt so far away before but now is becoming a reality. I just hope there isn’t some medical or psych reason to prevent me getting testosterone. I can’t live in the body like it is. It is driving me crazy because I feel like a man and stuff and then I look at my chest and it just crushes me. It hurts so bad inside and makes me just want to crawl under a rock and die. I know I won’t be able to handle any rejection about this. It will kill me. But I am trying not to think about it or it may feed into my paranoia. Last thing I need is to reschedule the appt because of a hospitalization so I hope this passes soon or at least doesn’t get worse.

Not Done

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Not Done

The Patriots played the AFC Championship game and won! Now they are off to Minnesota to play in the SuperBowl. I am not sure when that is as I am not a football person. I think it is 4 Feb but I could be wrong. It usually is played in Feb, as far back as I can recall.

My mother made a huge gravy. When I went downstairs and started making coffee, she asked if I could open seven cans of tomatoes. She has trouble with the can opener and I told her I will open the cans for her if she promises not to use the new can opener I bought. It’s not the best and she has done something to it so I need to get a new one. Maybe I will order a new one on Amazon, an electric one as ours broke and we haven’t replaced it yet. Neither of us goes shopping anymore, least not in stores. I do mine online and my mother orders from catalogs.

After the game, I wanted to go back to my room but my mother wanted me to see if the ribs were done. I checked one and it was soft. I checked another one to be sure and the damn thing went flying spraying me and the floor with gravy. I was not fucking happy. I cleaned up and decided to shower rather than go upstairs. I had gravy all over my clothes. I took a shower and my ankle went berserk. It’s still hurting.

I am kind of tired. Before the game, I went to Walgreens and then the bakery. I wanted to get some bread but they closed at 1300. I’ll have to get it tomorrow or maybe Tuesday. It was warm and I wore a Pats shirt that I swear is not breathable. I was sweating by the time I came home.

I’ve had the RAM I need for my laptop in my Amazon cart. It was supposed to be “in stock” Jan 26. Now it won’t be until the 30th. I might get the hard drive as it is close to the same price. Only thing is, I want to see if the RAM solves the memory issues first. I would also have to back up my documents and stuff on my laptop before I did any work with the hard drive. That shouldn’t take long as it is just copy and pasting. I just hope installing the drive is not as hard as I am imagining it. From looking at the manual, it seems easy enough but I’ve never done it before, least not with a newer laptop. I still need to get a connection wire for my old laptop so it will work again. I kind of miss it. I think next month I will have enough money to bring it to the shop to see what is wrong with it and then go from there. It might just be a dead screen and I don’t know because I’ve never messed with hardware before.

Anyways, once I have a bigger hard drive, I will be able to install some software that I want. I might have to buy the latest EndNote version. The last version I bought was X6. I think they have X11 out now or maybe later. It keeps track of my bibliography. It’s not a pressing software I need because I don’t write papers anymore, least not that often but it’s nice to have so that Word and it can communicate. It has a nice link feature where you can cite as you type and makes the bibliography for you. It was a godsend when I found it. I wish I had it when I was taking my archeology class. I needed to cite 20 articles and it was a pain doing it by hand, in the format that the professor required. EndNote does all of that for you. It’s a beautiful software.

Saturday blog 20 Jan 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 20 Jan 2018

I managed some sleep after 0330, though I woke up every 2 hours or so. I woke up feeling like shit. It was around 10 and even though my med alarm went off to remind me to take my morning meds, I hadn’t taken them yet. I took them and then went to use the bathroom. I missed the bus to the Square. My mother was on the phone with my sister and she asked her if she would take me to the grocery store. She said she would. I decided to go have coffee at her house to try and wake up. I wasn’t hungry so I just had coffee.

I went to the grocery store and it was packed. Not that unusual for a Saturday. I got the things my mother wanted and found the things I needed that I would get later that week as it was much cheaper than what I was getting online. Came home and needed a nap after I put everything away. I slept for an hour and a half. My mother made dinner, which was ready by the time I woke up.

I am feeling really tired and out of it because of my fractured sleep last night. I am not in horrible pain and I hope it stays that way. I am going to take my night meds soon and then go to sleep. I think I will read a chapter first as I haven’t had the time to read at all today.